Andrea Edwards

I’ve got to ask if anyone can help me make sense of my boys current behaviour, because I am honestly at my wits end. The current challenge being faced is the art of listening and doing as they are told before I turn into a screaming harpy. The problem is, the screaming harpy level seems to be the only language they understand and I just can’t live my life like that! I grew up in a shouting house and I DO NOT want my boys to experience the same. But how can it be any different if it’s the only time they listen… and that doesn’t even always work? I’ll give you a day in the life. I think it was Wednesday and I was with the boys all day. We started with them joining me for my morning swim and the pool man was working. There was a pot of chemicals and I said to Lex, as he looked over with interest, don’t go near that. Don’t go near that. DO NOT GO NEAR THAT and he went near it and smelled chlorine from a centimetre away. Have you ever smelt chlorine up close? It sends your brain into a spasm! So I asked Lex: Why did you do that? It smells like water he said. Grrrrr. Then both boys grabbed my kick board and were stepping off the side of the pool onto the board. This is not a new activity – it’s been happening for some time now. Guys please stop. If you fall and hit your head on the side of the pool you’re going to get a VERY big ouchie. So they did it again and again and again until I screamed and put them on time out at the edge of the pool for the rest of my swim. Please guys, the whole day is yours, just give me this 30 minutes to do something for myself – PLEASE. We live in an apartment so when they are not at school, we’ve got to go out and do something. Steve and I work hard at coming up with new and creative ways to spend time with them. This day I took them to a Buddhist temple. Don’t touch anything, keep your voices low and no you can’t have any of the candies that are at the front of every single temple throughout the whole bloody complex. They couldn’t resist the candies – it’s an obsession – plus an old uncle working at the Temple gave them each a fist full – grrrr – and of course, they couldn’t open them, so nagged me to open the bloody candies I didn’t want them to have anyway! They also couldn’t resist hitting the mega drum that has a sign saying DO NOT TOUCH. They couldn’t resist running in the worship halls. It was a glorious, beautiful place, but I had to give up in the end and march them out of the Temple. Naturally I was left wondering why I bother doing things like this with them. So we went to the Air Force Museum. As a general rule, they could be free, as there weren’t too many rules. But they found buttons to push – at the museum and within me. No you can’t climb over the fence onto that ledge three stories high with no railing Jax. Boys, please sit still in your seats and watch the 10 minute video. Lex please don’t run. Jax please don’t touch that. Please don’t, please don’t, please don’t, stop, stop, Stop, STOP!!! It’s so bloody intense at the moment and I’m hearing my own voice and hating it. I’m also not liking them for making me feel this way, and that is a VERY big surprise to me – I never thought I would be a parent who didn’t like my kids. The thing is, I give them so much freedom. I take them to amazing places. I think I’m a pretty good Mum overall – definitely not perfect, and often frustrated by them, by life, by wanting my achievements to be different to what they are at the moment, etc… – all of which doesn’t help my state of mind when I’m with them, because often times I would rather be doing something else. I understand how my mindset is impacting things as well. But getting back to my belligerent, conveniently deaf little turds who seem to take great pleasure from ignoring me – why do they do it? Why are they so single minded and happy to ignore me until they make me sad or angry? Are they just seeing how far they can push me? I mean it’s not like they enjoy having an unhappy Mum, so why don’t they learn? Is it a test of strength so they understand where they fit within the family mix? Do I just have two strong willed boys which is ultimately a good thing, but it makes these years a little more testing for Steve and I? Am I being too lenient? Am I being too strict? Do I give them too much of my time and attention, because I know I am not guilty of giving them too little? Is this just how it is and I’ve got to learn how to manage myself, keep them in-line, while teaching them societies’ rules so they can fit in to an extent? On a logical level, this stage just doesn’t make any sense to me, because they are pushing me every single day (and their Dad), and we are scratching our heads wondering what the hell we’ve got to do to have a calm home? The thing I always seem to come back to is I’m not enjoying time with the boys right now – not always, but a large part of our full days together. I want to enjoy time with them, but I’m not. I have a right to enjoy this time don’t I? I

I had a meeting at the Grand Copthorne Hotel this morning and ordered my usual Latte with an extra shot of coffee – because I prefer my coffee to taste like coffee rather than coffee flavoured milk. A challenge in Singapore, but it’s getting better. Anyway, I’m in a five star hotel and as such, a cup is going to set you back $7 minimum, so imagine my surprise when my first sip unveils the use of UHT milk. Hello, this is a five star hotel – you can’t afford fresh milk? I bloody HATE UHT milk.  The first time I ever had it was in 1992, when on my very first morning in Cairo sitting down for breakfast, I was given a little sachet of UHT milk to go in my tea. Having no prior experience with UHT milk, I added it to my cup and couldn’t believe how awful it tasted. Very quickly tea was off the menu in Egypt. In fact, bottled water was also off the menu, because it tasted like something had died in it. Somehow I spent two months backpacking through Egypt, Israel and Jordan sustaining myself on Fanta. I honestly don’t know how I didn’t get extremely dehydrated during that trip! Since moving to Singapore (a long time ago now), I have regularly come across the use of UHT milk in various drinks. The New Zealand Ice Creamery uses it in its milkshakes – so my boys never get a milkshake there – and it is used in coffee in too many places to count – thankfully Starbucks uses fresh milk, even if the coffee is weak. But I bloody despise it. It’s horrible horrible chemical shitty flavoured stuff, and in a place where fresh milk is available in abundance, I just don’t know why they think it’s OK to add it to drinks? I’ve got to wonder if the people making the coffee never drink it so they just don’t know how bad it is? So I have to beg the baristas to stand up for us consumers and insist that your employers provide fresh milk for coffee and tea – it’s not much to ask is it? Really I just want a decent cup of coffee – that’s all. Does anyone else have a strong reaction to UHT milk or am I alone here? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

We’ve had a big morning in our house – Lex’s first baby teeth have come loose. To say my lad is a little bit spun out by the feeling of having loose teeth in his mouth is an understatement – see photo of distressed child for proof. In fact, Lex’s reaction was not dissimilar to how his Mum reacts when discovering a broken tooth! I’m not sure if Jax assisted in the loosening of said teeth, because he yanked a crane inserted into Lex’s mouth moments before the discovery. As such, Lex is not only very unhappy about his teeth, but very unhappy about Jax’s role in their demise. I will always remember the teeth frenzy growing up. With four kids close together in age, there was a lot of activity and excitement around teeth coming loose, including tying strings from teeth to door handles and slamming doors to get the buggers out. My Mum still has a pot of our teeth –a hideous collection to hold onto but great if DNA samples are ever needed. Moments like this bring to light the challenges of raising a speech delayed child. In the last 12 months or so, Lex’s language has improved considerably, especially in the area that has been our biggest struggle – his receptive language. Receptive language delay means he finds it difficult to understand what is being said to him. Expressive language has also been a challenge, but we work hard to interpret what he’s saying. As you can imagine, when your kid doesn’t understand what you’re talking about this is very difficult for a parent, because you just need your kids to understand, mainly because you want them to be safe. When you feel unsure that “don’t run on the road” isn’t understood, for example, it can make you a slightly nervous wreck of a parent. But Lex is really taking on board most of what we say now, and working his arse off to get his own words out. He’s still a bit all over the place with word order, but he’s getting there and it’s really wonderful to watch – although I admit I’m desperate for it to happen a lot faster. I’ve never been a patient person. So imagine this morning when I had to sit him down, through his tears, and try to explain what was happening. It went something along these lines: “Love this is completely normal. The loose teeth will fall out and then your big boy teeth will come in. When the teeth fall out, we will put them under your pillow and the Tooth Fairy will take them away and leave you some money so you can buy toys. This is a great thing darling, don’t worry, I promise everything will be OK.” He listened intently, and I know once he goes through the whole experience, including finding the money under his pillow left by the Tooth Fairy, it’s all going to slot into place. Experience is definitely his best teacher. However his only response so far, other than tears, is “don’t take my teeth Mummy, don’t take my teeth.” Bless his cotton socks. The worst thing is Steve’s missing this milestone because he just got on a plane to Taiwan this morning. Steve will be very unhappy about missing this big moment in Lex’s life and I can’t tell him because he’s still in the air. Bummer. In the meantime, we now anxiously await the moment his first teeth fall out and I hope I’m there when it happens. It’s a big deal round these parts, but probably for different reasons than most, and hey let’s not forget – my little boy is growing up! So can anyone tell me what the going rate is for the Tooth Fairy these days? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Bringing my boys up in Singapore is absolutely brilliant. They are safe, there’s so much to do, they are exposed to all of the wonderful cultural differences within the human diaspora, and they are loved by strangers as Asia is a place where children are still honoured – it’s special. However, there are a couple of aspects regarding bringing up my boys in Asia that I’d like to discuss, and it would be really great if people who don’t know my children, or my parenting ideas, could take note. This applies to every country I’ve ever visited in Asia, but it is also relevant elsewhere, as some of these things are universal. I’d appreciate it if… Under no circumstances give my children candy! Anytime you feel an inclination towards offering them candy, at least check with me first to see if it is OK? I really do appreciate the genuine motivation of offering my boys a treat, BUT I don’t want my boys eating candy because I want them to have amazing teeth. As a general rule, avoiding candy is impossible, but I work hard to minimize their exposure to it and would appreciate your support in this regard. In addition, colourings send my boys nuts but you don’t have to suffer the consequences of this because we will be long gone before it kicks in. So please, no candy unless I say it’s OK? Rule one also goes for the times when my magnificent helper Vick is out with my boys. While you would never argue with me after I say no, please do not argue with Vick. I trust her implicitly with my boys safety and health and if she says no, it is of equal value to my no I am trying to raise my boys without any fear in their lives. I don’t threaten them with any dire consequences if they do not eat their dinner or do as they’re told. I just think that raising my children with fear as a motivator isn’t right for us, so I would appreciate it if you never threatened the boys with comments like “the police will come and take you away if you are naughty” for example. On one level, I don’t want the boys to grow up fearing the police, and will instead instil in them a healthy respect for the law. I also don’t want them to think that anything they do could result in them being dragged off facing some unknowable punishment away from their safety net. I just don’t think this is good for their psyche Additionally, threatening that Santa or the Easter Bunny won’t come if they’re naughty is off the table too. This was used on me as a child and it’s a devastating threat. It’s also inappropriate, because the idea that you are rewarded for being good and punished for being bad, when you’re just being a kid learning to control your desires within the context of what is appropriate socially, doesn’t really help my children to grow in a healthy way. I just want my boys to be as well behaved as they are capable of being, so threatening them with lack for being themselves is something I don’t do. I’m trying to teach my boys to behave because it feels good not because they get rewarded! I’d appreciate your support on this one too If they are being rude, disrespectful, naughty, or just rowdy, please don’t lash out at them in an aggressive manner. It really upsets little ones to be the target of an adult’s anger. I really do believe that attacking a four year old verbally (for essentially being a four year old), is very confusing to a little person. If something happens, please just tell me and I will talk to them. If an apology is appropriate, I will make sure they give you one. I’m bringing my boys up to be respectful and to not react aggressively in situations. When an adult reacts aggressively, it’s a bit counterproductive to the lessons I’m trying to teach them and makes it difficult to absorb the lesson of try to be kind and operate from your heart first, as opposed to a place of anger. By the way, if you bitch slap Jax, don’t expect him to be submissive – he’s a fighter that boy and will always stand up for himself If my boys are being pains in the arse of your premises I absolutely encourage you to bring them into line and tell them that what is and what is not OK. But please do it firmly, yet with kindness and a gentle heart. No one appreciates being verbally attacked, and as a stranger laying down the law, you have a very good chance of being heard . Of course, if they do not listen to you, that’s what I’m there for. As with point five, please just try not to be aggressive – it has a very big impact on little minds Please please don’t tell my kids that monsters or ghosts or anything really frightening will come and take them off if they are being naughty. I have to deal with the consequences of these chats, and following six months of having my nights’ interrupted by a four year old who is very scared right now, I’d appreciate if you didn’t add to this fear. Little kids hear and understand everything, plus their imagination is very very big, so try to be aware of what you are saying to them as their context and your context of an idea are very different indeed I am happy for you to share your food with the boys, and this is one of those wonderful things I’ve experienced right across Asia. However, even though I accept I will never be able to control everything they eat, I work hard to avoid giving my boys any food with additives and preservatives in it. Therefore I beg you

A few weeks ago I wrote a blogtalking about the sheer terror I felt after losing Lex in one of Singapore’s biggest shopping centres. It didn’t just impact me, it impacted Jax and, of course, Lex. However it turns out, this might be one of the best things to happen to all of us… Everything has changed since this moment, everything. On one level, my trust in Lex to handle himself has grown exponentially. I was so panicked about losing my speech delayed lad, frantically worried that he wouldn’t be able to communicate with whoever found him, that it turned me into an absolute mess for a good few days afterwards – you might have gathered this in the original blog J. However, once I calmed down and was able to look at it objectively, I could see Lex managed himself with exceptional flair. He took one of the ladies in customer care from the 2nd floor up to the 7thfloor, via the escalators, to find our car and once he realised Mummy hadn’t left, was a lot calmer. Lex knew exactly where to go, because he has a terrific sense of direction, and applied great logic in understanding and managing his situation. He was also able to really communicate his wants and needs with strangers, and seriously, I couldn’t be prouder of my little boy. Jax was also really impacted by this event. He has been in a pretty fearful stage for some time now, and we do all we can to talk about these fears and try to help him manage them. We appreciate it might take Jax some time to get through this, and losing Lex definitely had a very big impact on him. My boys are like any other kids – constantly arguing and beating the shit out of each other – but their devotion and loyalty to each other is beautiful. When they grow up, I hope no one takes one of them on, because the other will back them up all the way. Those qualities are already present and I love how they are always there for each other – it gives me a lot of courage to let them go out into the world. However, because of this devotion, Jax was also very emotional and scared as I dragged him from one length of Ngee Ann City to the other faster than his little legs could carry him. But the hardest part of that hour was the understanding I also had to be there for him. I almost couldn’t “do” him at that moment, but I knew if I missed his needs in the panic I was feeling, I would be doing him a great disservice that could impact his emotional stability for some time. This parenting malarkey is not easy. When I look back on that day, I can definitely see it was a very interesting life moment for all of us. The biggest change is both boys will NEVER let me out of their sight – even for a moment. They also listen and do as they’re told immediately – cool huh? Before I’d say come on let’s go, and they’d stuff around, taking their time. Now when I say let’s go, they’re right by my side, usually holding my hand, and the holding hand thing is nice, because before, it was definitely a rare treat. So after nearly six years of taking my boys into shopping centres and coming out feeling stressed, angry and frustrated because they’re being little buggers, I have to say – I am finally enjoying shopping with my boys. They’re still pains in the arse, don’t get me wrong – but a new dimension has been added to the experience because of what happened, and they are more aware of being safe. That means staying with Mum instead of running off and doing whatever the hell they want. That’s really cool progress I have to say, although I wouldn’t recommend losing your kid to make that progress. Although, one significant change – which is not so good for other people – is the sheer volume of my family. Let’s just say, if you are in a shopping centre and we are there, you’ll know it. As a recent example, I took them into a large electronics shop. Because they were tired, I sat them down in two massage chairs in front a mega TV playing ‘Avatar,’ saying I’ll be back in a moment, wait here. I went 20 metres down the aisle, and within five minutes all I could hear was “Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum” at the top of their voices. I dashed back to the aisle so they could see me, said stay there, I’ll just be a minute, but that was it, they needed to be with me. Public toilets are worse – they have to constantly talk to me to make sure I’m still there!! And questions like “Mum, are you doing a wee or a pooh?” is one of their favourites.” So my public life with the boys now revolves around a constant stream of chatter – me talking to them, them talking to me – to ensure they feel constantly reassured I’m nearby. Bless their little cotton socks – I do love my little boys. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

To all my fellow fantasy-heads, I’ve had a bit of a gorge on some awesome fantasy of late, and wanted to share the love – because there are some amazing yarns to read. If you haven’t read any fantasy yet, can I just say give it a go – it will blow your mind! Prince of Thorns, Mark Lawrence ‘Princeof Thorns’ is Mark’s first published book, and I have to say, this is a very interesting twist on fantasy – in fact, I’ve never read anything like it. The main character, Honorous Jorg Ancrath, is a bloody turd of a kid, but at the same time you can’t help but like him. A young prince, with a complex history of murder and betrayal, his father (the king) is a horrible man, and he has a band of brothers who are some of the most repugnant humans you’ll ever be introduced to. Yet I somehow found this story charming. The best bit – the next book in the series is out, although I haven’t found it at the bookshops yet – I know, I just can’t go e-reader yet. I’ll hold on until the end. To be honest, I don’t know how you’ll react to ‘Prince of Thorns’ but I can say I found it intriguing. The Devil’s Diadem, Sara Douglas I’ve been a Sara Douglas fan for many years, but when researching this blog, I’ve only now realised shedied 12 months ago – which is such very sad news. She is one of the great fantasy writers of the last 20 years and the world has definitely lost a very special talent. More importantly, she lead the field in establishing women as serious writers of this genre, as before her it was almost totally dominated by men. Sara Douglas has definitely made an amazing contribution and she’ll be missed. If you haven’t read any of Sara Douglas’ books yet, they’re all awesome. The Axis Trilogy was absolutely mind blowing in its imagination and scope. But ‘The Devil’s Diadem’ – a single book – was something different again. Based in Sara’s creation of a Medieval England, it focuses on Evelyn Langtofte in a land besieged by a truly hideous plague. Drawing on ancient pagan beliefs throughout the book, which has all the more credibility because of her extensive studies in Medieval Histories, I loved it. It is a really captivating yarn. ‘The Devil’s Diadem’ definitely has a more feminine feel to it than Mark Lawrence’s ‘Prince of Thorns’. His story is definitely more masculine and I know my hubby Steve will enjoy the latter more because of that. The Outcast Chronicles, Rowena Cory Daniells Any true fantasy lover will relate to this. I recently picked up “Besieged” in a book shop. I hadn’t read any of Rowena Cory Daniells books before and when I noticed seven published books on the shelves, I figured she must be on to something good. You don’t publish seven books if you’re bad in fantasy-land. Before this, no one had recommended her and I’d just missed her books on previous hunts for something new. Can I just tell you something – BRILLIANT! After consuming “Beseiged” in days and missing sleep, I rushed back to the book shop and got the next two books – “Exile” and “Sanctuary.” I’ve just finished the last one this morning. Daniells has created a world and characters I haven’t seen before, and she’s mixed in the greatest qualities, as well as the worst qualities, human beings can have in a fast-paced, action-packed, character-rich story that I could not put down. To be a great fantasy writer I think you really need to grasp the full perspective of human qualities and emotions to create powerful and intriguing characters – ones you love and ones you hate. Daniells definitely understands people and if you haven’t read her books, get going but don’t blame me for the lack of sleep. The best bit, she’s got loads more books published, so if you love her, there’s plenty to consume. That makes me a very happy fantasy reader indeed, because so many times, I’ll look at the shelves, knowing I’ve read everything worthwhile – and that is not a good day for me. So thanks Rowena for the magic, as well as Sara and Mark, and all of the other great fantasy writers out there. You make my life richer. As an aside, the best bit about Rowena and Sara is they are both Australian. Aussie women have lead the charge in establishing women as equally brilliant writers in the field, and that makes me a little bit proud. Female fantasy writers just bring a different flavour to the art, and in the last 20 years, the quality of fantasy has skyrocketed. Us fans are so very lucky to have so much talent to consume. I admire every writer for their pure creativity and imagination, because my life would definitely be emptier (and duller) without fantasy in it. Something else I thank my Dad for everyday for introducing me to it when I was so young.   So there you go, five amazing books that have fed my imagination and allowed me to escape from life for a little bit these last few weeks and I wanted to share them because recommendations are everything. Can anyone recommend anything else worth reading? Steven Erikson any good? Haven’t ventured there yet… Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Imagine my horror the very first time I felt feelings of dislike towards my children? To say I felt like the worst Mum in the world is an understatement, but then I got over it, and have accepted that this is life with two rambunctious little lads. They push me HARD every day, and I cannot claim any sainthood in the parenting department, because patience is a rarity in my make-up. Even though I try desperately hard to be patient, sometimes they just push me over the edge into a screaming, teary maniac. The current feelings of dislike stems from two things: The first is we had some wonderful visitors over the last weekend (JB and Bronnie), and when visitors come to stay, we eat out more. When you eat out the choices are limited, which means the boys consume more sugar, MSG, additives, preservatives, etc… We know the bad behaviour is coming when we expose the boys to crap food, but we also acknowledge we can’t protect the boys from the world. So when people come to visit, we accept this aspect, keeping things free and easy, and just get ourselves braced for impact. There’s no denying it – when my boys eat crap food they turn into bloody monsters, so their diet is very carefully controlled and full of goodness 99 per cent of the time. It’s good for their sanity and it’s good for ours, because Steve and I also suffer the impact of crap food. We know it’s real. The second challenge is spurts. Jax is definitely having his four year old testosterone spurt, and according to Stephen Biddulph’s “Raising Boys”- this is the equivalent release of testosterone a teenage boy experiences when going through puberty. It’s FULL ON and he’s constantly challenging us, arguing with us, being more physical, and just being a belligerent little turd. He also has “convenient deafness” in the mix (you know when it’s good for him, he listens, when it’s not good for him, he ignores), which is also linked to growth spurts, because according to Biddulph again, our little boy loves do experience some element of deafness when they go through growth spurts as well. Suffice to say, Jax is hard bloody-yakka at the moment, and we constantly have to find the balance between letting him win some of the wars, while we win the important wars. And all the while I’m just wondering where my peaceful little lad has gone? Lex, on the other hand, is going through a development spurt. He had his growth spurt a month or so ago and we enjoyed all that came with that… However, as a speech delayed child, development spurts seem to include regression, where he goes back to the really annoying shitty behaviour that used to be the norm, and this is because he’s taken on board so much knowledge that he’s become frustrated and he acts out to vent this frustration. He just needs time to digest and practise what he’s learnt – which usually takes a couple of weeks (sometimes a month) to kick in – and then we have our beautiful little boy back. At the end of these outbursts, Lex will have more words in his vocabulary, he is more co-operative, and just seem more at peace in the world. Come back Lex! Two lads – 15 months apart – almost guarantees ‘spurt overlap,’ and when it does, all hell breaks loose. Steve and I work really hard to be patient and loving during these times, but we ain’t the earth mother and father. We’re just two people trying to make it work within a family mix, not always understanding exactly what is going on in our kid’s heads/bodies, all the while dealing with our own life challenges, and sometimes, we just don’t like them very much. Can anyone else relate? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Cristal Image from www.luxist.com Whenever you’ve got a bottle chilled I reckon- so pretty much ANYTIME! Yes? No? Although, right now, after two late nights of heavy drinking with our great friends JB and Bronnie, the thought of champagne at this moment makes my stomach curdle… However, as a definite ‘Yes’ person in this discussion in normal circumstances, imagine my surprise when my husband suggested we hold back on drinking a bottle of bubbles we’d picked up when we arrived back in Singapore (approximately six months before at the time) because it was allotted for a celebratory moment for something that hadn’t even happened yet! The first time we had one of these disagreements  – where we drank the champagne anyway, because I’m a stubborn bitch – I had to put up with a grumpy pain-in-the-arse-husband, while all along holding firmly to my own ‘fuck-you’ feelings brewing within – hey that’s marriage. It’s not a common occurrence in ours, but it does happen. The next time this little beauty came to a head, I said hang on a minute! We have great friends visiting – isn’t THAT worth drinking a few bubbles over? I mean that bottle has been in the fridge for weeks, probably months, and you want to wait until we’ve got some good news to celebrate first? Um isn’t just being with friends worth celebrating? In fact, even if there were no friends, how about we just be crazy sometimes and pop a cork? That’s called life right? Thankfully he looked at me and said you’re quite right, and we opened our bottled and enjoyed it together this time. No more grumpy-arse-bastard in the background, giving off his icky vibes that reassure me there will be an unpleasant conversation that night or maybe the next day… My husband is not a grumpy man, but he places strong values and importance on certain stuff. So do I, just in a different way. But when it comes to bubbles I say if you feel like drinking it, then go on ahead, because there’s nothing quite like a bottle of champagne. Hanging back to celebrate something that hasn’t happened, and may never happen, well that’s hardly living in the moment is it? And while I unfortunately spend a lot of time living in the future – an unhealthy place at the best of times – I will take any opportunity I can to be pulled into the present, where I can laugh, live and for just that moment, not worry about anything else – because worry is the biggest waste of time I know, and I’ve been doing far too much of that these last few years. Champagne, I believe, is a terrific accoutrement in assisting the process called living in the now. Do you agree? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

I’ve never been a patient “waiter” – it’s not something I’ve ever enjoyed, so I don’t like being late for things, and I certainly don’t like hanging around waiting for people – except if I’ve got a really cracking book to read, then take your time. With that said, since the boys came along, I have been known to be late on occasion, but I definitely set the expectation in advance – mums have that right I reckon. Not enjoying waiting is something I’ve always known about myself, accepted, and it’s why Queen’s “I Want it All” was my theme song as a teenager. Age has obviously given me some perspective, helping me to calm down and chill out a bit, but the ability to wait is definitely not one of my positive qualities let’s just say. Silence, on the other hand, has always been a friend. I love silence, crave silence, and since the boys came along, it’s something I appreciate more than ever. While silence means spending time with the chaotic thoughts of my mind, it is something I need in my life and welcome it with wide open arms. However, since entering the world of the entrepreneur, both silence and waiting have taken on new dimensions – and not in a positive sense. I have spent weeks, months, and sometimes years, waiting to hear back on a new business deal. Sometimes I get silence full stop. Other times I wait and wait and wait and finally something happens – be it positive or negative. On the one hand, I appreciate that it is my fault – the professional content and communications services I offer is not a mission-critical need for my potential customers. While they all recognise that what I offer is necessary and something they need more of – they’re not going to lose their jobs if it doesn’t happen. That’s a lesson learned for me – if your service offering is only perceived as a nice to have, the chances of it succeeding are slim – especially in Asia where people are running at a million miles an hour every day. To run a successful business, you need to be at the top of your customer’s priority list. So what do I do now? I don’t know. But I’m frustrated. I’m tired of checking email seven days a week 365 days a year in case someone who promised to respond to a proposal gets back to me. I’m tired of silence after the ball busting effort put into a proposal that the potential customer asked for and I responded to their need precisely, because every time I get creative, it freaks them out. I’m tired of not knowing. I’m tired of things not progressing. I’m tired of not working at my full potential. I’m tired of lack of courtesy. I’m tired of promises unfulfilled. I’m tired of not being frantic. I’m tired of not being able to make a huge impact. I’m tired of waiting for payments. I’m tired. I was reading this blog, by Aussie author, Andrew Roberts, the other day – and while I didn’t share it on my social networks at the time, it’s been running around in my head A LOT. I’d say the majority of people I know are very happy and contented with their life, which always makes me happy – it’s not happiness linked to dollars, but happiness linked to doing what you should be doing with your life. I believe we are all capable of achieving that plateau of happy, but some of us take a little bit longer to get there than others – although many never get there. I love nothing more than being with people who’ve ‘made it’ – found their destiny or whatever you like to call it – because these are the sorts of people who bounce out of bed every day with a HUGE smile on their face – it’s magic. So, based on Andrew’s blog, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m obviously not on the right bus. If I look at the “symptoms,” I’ve got more wrong bus symptoms than I have right bus symptoms, so that’s put me into a bit of a thoughtful place, and helped me recognise it might be time to change direction.  What do I need in my life to ensure I am on the right bus? I don’t know yet, I’m still trying to work it out. Suffice to say big changes ahead I reckon, ‘cos anymore of this waiting and silence will do my bloody head in. I just want to fly – that’s it – and wake up with a huge smile on my face every day. Not too much to ask I reckon. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

I lost Lex (five and a half) in a big shopping centre yesterday – it’s the first time I’ve “lost” him. Jax has wandered off a couple of times in the past – not very far, but far enough to freak him out because he couldn’t see me. He learnt his lesson and stays close by at all times now. Lex often wanders off, but he’s never far away and is always aware of where I am. I trust him and he knows Mum will always be nearby. But yesterday we came across a mega-toy sale in Singapore, and while any sale sends people into a frenzy, toy sales take that frenzy to a whole new level of ridiculousness. Before we walked into the sales area, I said to the boys – make sure you can see me OK? I don’t know if Lex understood what I said (he’s my speech delayed lad) but he’s smart, has a great sense of direction, and I trust him. They both know to be aware of Mum. I finally braved the lines to join 100s of other parents wasting money on more plastic crap for our kids. The lines went the full length of both sides of the payment booths, and there were at least 50 people in front of me – thankfully it was moving fast. Jax didn’t leave me, and Lex wandered off to play with something that caught his eye earlier. I had a general idea where he would be, and kept my eyes peeled for him at all times. We’re in Singapore – there is no safer place in the world for children – and I’m a firm believer they need space to be independent too – but I remained alert never-the-less. Once we made it to the cashier and escaped the paying, pushing, shoving chaos, I grabbed Jax and headed for Lex. No sign. We did two complete laps of the entire complex, and by the second lap, tears were forming and my imagination started going gang busters. There were two aspects to my thoughts. The first is imagining the worst possible scenario – thoughts that do not need to be written down, and as Lex has had more than his share of shitty experiences in his short life, these horrible thoughts were definitely a possibility in my mind. Even though there might be a .00000001% chance of anything like that happening anywhere in the world, but especially in Singapore, that is where my mind firmly went. It’s a brutal kind of self torture. The other aspect, of course, is a very real concern that Lex would not be able to communicate effectively with the people who found him – especially as he would be emotional as well. I knew he’d have no problem at all talking to strangers, but getting his message across and understood – that was a BIG concern. We understand what he is saying most of the time, but we know him inside out and understand his physical communication as well. That is definitely a scary aspect of having a child with communication challenges, because it could have such a big impact on his ability to be safe. With my fears elevating by the second, Jax started getting distressed that we couldn’t find his brother and was constantly saying, “Mummy where is Lex? I want Lex?” I dragged Jax around at full speed, trying to keep him calm (which I wasn’t doing a very good job at because I was too distressed), and after a couple of failed attempts talking to staff who couldn’t speak English, found a customer service lady who could understand me. “My son is missing? He’s five. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Black t-shirt. Green trousers” – the words a Mother never wants to say. She immediately called customer service within the department store and said there is a boy there but he’s Eurasian. I said well that can’t be him. You don’t get more Caucasian than Lex. She encouraged me to go anyway and see if it was him. Torn – in case he was nearby looking for me – I barrelled my way through the Takashimaya food hall at 5pm on a Sunday night in Singapore – that’s a very busy time to be in a food hall let me assure you. Let’s just say if ANYONE got in my way, they got out of my way very quickly – by choice or by force. Hey I’m a Mother. Jax was dragged along in my panicked wake. We got to the lifts and they took forever to come and Jax said “Mum, where is Lex, he is my brother and I love him?” At that I burst into tears, and when I entered the lift I stood at the back, holding Jax’s hand, with my head down, tears streaming.  I didn’t care what other’s thought – I’m used to being a bit weird here and couldn’t control it anyway. We walked out of the lift, around the corner, and a huge gaggle of smiling women opened up to reveal a very red-eyed and teary Lex. I sank down and cuddled him, Jax cuddled us both and the three of us just cried and cried. It was bloody wonderful and Lex did not leave my side again. The lady told me when they brought him up he took one of the ladies upstairs to the car park to make sure the car was still there.  When he saw me he said “I couldn’t find you Mummy. I went to the car and it was there. I didn’t want you to leave.” As if I’d ever leave! Bless that bloody kids cotton socks. He’s the most beautiful and frustrating child on the planet. He is so bright and gentle, but he’s still struggling to catch up with his words and communication – receptive and expressive. The world doesn’t always want to listen to a child like Lex – it’s too