October 2011

I just had a couple of charming moments only a parent could know, and thought I’d quickly jot them down and share. Two additions to the things I hate most about parenting are: 1.       Sitting in your child’s pooh dust. Now Lex is quite advanced in this area and recently stopped requiring assistance, but naturally, as has always been the case with my children at 15 months apart, Jax started up the “assistance needing” when Lex stopped. I sat through a good 30 minute pooh dust session tonight, gagging all the way 2.      When children have colds, snot becomes the order of the day. We all have things that make us squirm and snot is mine. I have become quite immune to it since becoming a mother, however what bliss tonight when Jax decided to wipe his nose on my leg…. Ugh! But there was a golden moment, my two-mini lads counting to 10 in Mandarin – bless ‘em! Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Meeting Nathalix off the train A little while ago I read an article suggesting that women who don’t spend enough time with great female friends, don’t live as long as those who do. Apparently men don’t “need” friendship nourishment, but women do. So it got me thinking, as the past few years have left me pretty isolated from the great friends in my life, and this has all happened at probably the worst time to be isolated – aka the early years of motherhood. I’ve always felt very fortunate to have made amazing friends all around the world, everywhere I’ve lived (except maybe Phuket?) and two of the pivotal friendships I made in London were with Saskia and Nathalie. We have been in each other’s lives since 1996, and were always there for each other when things were good or bad, we were witnesses/bridesmaids/special people at each other’s weddings, have holidayed together in gorgeous places, and so much more. It is a friendship I’ve always treasured and I absolutely want it to stand the test of time, but that’s not always easy when everyone is spread across different countries, time zones and leading busy lives. After seven years of not seeing each other face-to-face, I decided enough was enough – I was gunna surprise Saskia for her 40th b’day. And you know what, surprise her I did. I was very impressed with her husband Eylard for not letting the cat out of the bag, and it was really hilarious seeing her reaction – I don’t think she could quite believe her eyes for the first few hours. Ellen’s beautiful home Nathalix arrived from Paris the next day and apart from the birthday obligations and party (which was a FABULOUS dinner party for 13 with Sas’s favourite women!) we talked and talked and talked. Eylard’s magnificent mother Ellen said you girls never stop talking. And Saskia said yes, but we also listen too. It’s an amazing talent us women have, how we can talk and listen at the same time, don’t you think? So much has happened for all of us in the last seven years, and for me in particular, it was so nice to be listened to and given some perspective that helped me look at my life in a slightly different way. I needed that. I missed my boys while I was away, I felt terrible leaving Steve to handle our little loves all alone for seven days, but I have come home refreshed and looking at life with different eyes. I just got some perspective on my thinking that I could never get when I am living in the middle of life. And for that I am thankful to Sas and Nathalix, Eylard and Ellen, and Steve. Eylard the chef, his mum bought the apron I’m also really thankful for the love and warmth I got in Holland – I have family there you know. The Wurpels are amazing people who open their homes and hearts to you, and I know they will always be there to back and support me, no matter what. And I’ve got another family in Paris too! How lucky am I? You just don’t make those kinds of friendships everyday and that is the reason I went – I want to keep this friendship alive and still be talking (and listening) with these girls when we’re all old crones. Although Nathalix and Saskia will never be old crones! Yours, without the bollocks Andrix PS: Andrix and Nathalix comes from a shared love of Asterix – she is French afterall. Saskia got Saskium, but she never dug Asterix as much as we did, so it never stuck.

I’ve arrived in Amsterdam and after seven years, it’s been wonderful catching up on life with Saskia and Eylard. No idea where seven years went? But to get here, I had to endure 13 hours in economy class at the back of a plane. One of the challenges about flying to Europe from Singapore is a lot of people are journeying on from the Antipodes, which means a great number of passengers have already been on the road 10+ hours and the stench is palpable. But the main challenge is being surrounded by a bunch of people with plane food already in their guts, which adds another dimension – plane farts! My God I was gagging! Hideous stuff. But there was one great thing. I got to watch three movies! I haven’t been able to enjoy many movies since two mini-men came into my life, so it was absolute luxury. First was “Bad Teacher” starring Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake, and I have to say, what a bloody funny movie. Superb comedy and definitely have a look if you get a chance. Second was a quirky little British movie called “Submarine,” the story of a teenage boy who wants to lose his virginity and stop his Mum having an affair with a new age spiritual type with a mullet. An incredibly clever movie, full of fantastic characters, and Noah Taylor plays the dorky Dad to perfection. It’s awkward and witty and brilliant. Check it out. I almost finished X-Men as well – but I missed Hugh. But now, having recovered from my flight and not feeling too bad after excessive wine consumption last night, I’m off for a day of fine Dutch weather and fun with the birthday girl. It’s so lovely being back in Europe and hanging out with Sas really is soup for the soul. There’s nothing better than great friends in life. So Happy 40th my friend – thrilled to be able to share it with you. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea PS: I miss my three boys…. a week feels such a long time away

Well after much torment – because when I make a commitment to do something, I do it – I have decided not to pursue my teams of International Spunks and International Ugly Bastards (or Those with Nice Personalities,) in the way I originally set out. Taking my lead from you, my precious readers, it just hasn’t generated enough interest. When I write about the shite in my life, I get lots of support and comments, which is very much appreciated. When I explore my head from a religion/spirituality perspective, it seems to resonate with many. When I write book reviews, it gets a bit of interest from friends equally voracious about their reading materials. When I write about vaginas or anuses, well, those blogs are still being read and regularly popping up in searches!!! So I reckon I’ll throw in the towel on this project now, because it is a shitload of effort compiling this information, and if it ain’t going to get read and no one’s going to vote, I’ll just be heartbroken. Naturally, I will continue to compile my teams in my head, because it really does make rugby so much more enjoyable. It also doesn’t help that I am a mother, and the father in this equation is much more of a rugby head than I, so it is only fair that every four years I make it possible for him to watch as much rugby as possible – thus taking on child responsibilitys reduces perving opportunities significantly. The things we do for love? But I do not mind. Steve has always shared the parenting load. Here is a compilation of photos that I believe represents why I love this game. Men in all their muscular glory has always been my thing. If you’re interested, my International Team of Spunks is below, and I’ve made it possible for you to go and check them out, although I don’t think they look as great in these pictures as they do when they play. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea My absolute favourite spunk – Alesana Tuilagi – Samoa My second favourite spunk – Ma’a Nonu – NZ Victor Matfield – Sth Africa Morné Steyn – Sth Africa Mike Phillips – Wales Jamie Roberts – Wales Joe Ansbro – Scotland Ally Strokosch – Scotland Richie McCaw – NZ Dan Carter – NZ – definitely think he’s gotten better with age. Was too pretty for me before  Saia Faingaa – Aus – his brother doesn’t have the lovely locks Nathan Sharpe – Aus – I just love him, a true gentleman of the game AdamAshley-Cooper – Aus David Pocock – Aus Quade Cooper – Aus – he’s got something, although he’d pull his finger out of his arse this weekend! Alisi Tupuailai – Japan Toetuu Taufa – Japan Bryce Robins – Japan Brian O’Driscoll – Ireland Cian Healy – Ireland – huge fan of his thighs Tasesa Lavea – Samoa AnthonyPerenise – Samoa Maurie Faasavalu – Samoa Ofisa Treviranus – Samoa GeorgePisi – Samoa Manaia Salavea – Samoa Pat Danahy – USA ScottLaValla – USA Todd Clever – USA Alexander Voytov – Russia Andrey Ostrikov – Russia AlexeyMakovetskiy – Russia Nick Easter – England Shontayne Hape, England – Shontayne? Courtney Lawes – England, although who calls a son Courtney? James Haskell – England Fulgence Ouedraogo – France Romain Millo-Chluski – France Albert James Vulivuli – Fiji Sakiusa Matadigo – Fiji Felipe Contepomi – Argentina And last, but not least, because I just love him, Piri Weepu gets on my team Overall spunkiest team – Samoa. And best ears I think has to go to Danie Rossouw of Sth Africa. Here’s a selection of Danie Rossouw pictures to give you an idea. He is closely followed by Simon Shaw of England. PS: to the teams missed, my apologies. I couldn’t get you all!

In July 2010 we got some news that shook our world. For the first six months of that year, Lex was being physically and verbally abused by his teacher at his pre-school in Australia. As far as we know, the abuse included hitting, kicking, throwing shoes at him, putting tape over his mouth, making him sleep outside in the sun, kicking sand at him, and more. We’ve never gotten to the bottom of what actually happened, because everyone zipped up in an effort to protect themselves – the school was in the process of being sold, so everyone was “gagged” and threatened with losing their jobs if the sale got screwed up. There was one exception, Amanda, the lady who was brave enough to report it and went through a lot of shit because she stood up – including losing her job. As far as we know, the government department responsible has done nothing, the police thought it was no big deal, and the teacher is still teaching. It was one of the main reasons we left Australia. Two cheeky boys We obviously went through a shocking time coming to terms with it. As I was the primary school ‘dropper-off-erer,’ I beat myself up for a long time because I didn’t see any resistance from Lex going into school. Did I miss something? Then I wondered is it because he thinks that’s how things are? That’s how you get treated in the world? It was a confusing, heart-breaking, and very tough time for all of us to get through. Coming back to Singapore really gave us a chance to move on from that time. I know people deal with a lot worse, but that was pretty rock bottom for us. Our beautiful little lad had been hurt by someone and we couldn’t do anything about it. Sure we could’ve gone legal, but I drew the line at that – mainly because I really do believe it is a process that screws you up more than anything else – it’s ugly and no one wins in the end. I also couldn’t rely on witnesses, because many of them had witnessed this abuse towards other children for the past seven years without saying anything, so why would they stand up and speak now? My trust in this community was long gone. So we decided we needed to move on and focus on giving Lex the best life we could. We wanted to show him that the world is a gentle place and that he is loved beyond measure. We work hard to reassure him every day, but are we doing enough? Yesterday we got called into the school. For the past couple of weeks, Lex has been very physical with the teachers and they’ve had enough. One of the reasons right now is that his efforts to speak are creating frustration, but also embarrassment. However, we know that the deep reason is linked back to the abuse. A child psychiatrist said we can expect a recurrence of bad behaviour until he is about six or seven years old, and the main challenge will be an inability to trust outside the home. We know he hasn’t recovered from it, but in many ways, we don’t know what to do about it, other than what we are already doing. Hey we’re just parents trying to do the best for our lads, but we’re not kid experts. Yesterday his gorgeous teacher said “it’s like he’s constantly pushing us, testing us, asking us to prove to him that we do love and care about him.” Then she said something that really shook me – “it’s like he hasn’t got any self worth.” You know our biggest priority in raising our kids is to help them be confident. We think this is the most important asset a human being can have. And here we are with a little lad struggling with his own self worth. That perspective really made so much sense to me. Of course it’s about self worth. Why wouldn’t it be? During a pivotal time in his life, when he couldn’t hear properly or speak, he felt unsafe outside his family unit… I try not to get angry about what happened – I think it is pointless – but man oh man, sometimes I wish I could….! But none of it matters now, all that matters is I/we do all we can to help Lex fully love and value himself, and so the next round of finding the right specialists begins…. It’s certainly stirred up a lot of emotions this week though. Bloody kids I tell ya!! Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

It was just over 12 months ago when Lex had the operation to have his tonsils and adenoids removed, plus grommets inserted.  Since that day, we have noticed significant changes in him – both a willingness to do as he’s told more often AND his behaviour has constantly improved – generally he’s just gotten calmer. BUT he’s still not speaking properly. He understands most of the time – WE THINK – and he’s working his arse off to get the words out, but we’ve got a way to go. I’ve definitely become accustomed to him communicating his needs physically – but it’s very challenging not being 100 percent confident in what your child wants or understanding how they’re feeling. It’s almost five years now, and as Jax’s speech goes from strength to strength, I’m starting to appreciate what it is like having a child who can communicate with me. In fact, when people say “all you want is for your kids to speak and then when they do, you want them to shut up” – in Jax’s case, I finally appreciate this sentiment. Man that kid doesn’t stop! But after verbal silence for so many years, it’s really lovely too. I just wish he’d reduce the decibels sometimes…. and perhaps his expressive use of the F word…. I watch other parents speaking with their kids and feel a little pang of jealousy. I want that. I want to speak with Lex. I want to know what he thinks, understand how he feels, know his opinions on people, as well as the issues affecting him. I want to know when people embarrass him, because this is a big deal for Lex. However, because he hasn’t been able to tell people to piss off verbally, he has reacted physically, and this is usually when the trouble starts. He’s just an extremely sensitive lad and embarrassing him is not good – most people don’t seem to pay attention to that though. I do because I’m the same. As is Steve. We are definitely getting there, in a garbled kind of way, as he tries to pull sentences together, with some Lexy words filling the gaps. He started speech therapy a few weeks back and it’s making such a difference. I honestly didn’t think one session a week could do anything for him, because we do so much for him every day, but it’s focused him on his need to speak and as such, it’s really helping. He’s trying harder than ever before. Because Lex couldn’t hear properly for so long (and we have no idea how long), he’s always just gotten on with whatever he wants to get on with. Most of the time it’s death defying climbing stunts that leave us unable to relax – ever. We can’t let him run off and do what he wants, because we’ll probably find him at the top of a pole or on a roof. It’s just who he is. I think this is the biggest challenge for us. Because we can’t communicate what the real dangers are, we can’t let him go and be totally free. We just don’t know if he appreciates what is reasonable and what is out of the question because he can’t tell us that he does appreciate danger…. ahhhhhhh! Suffice to say, it’s been bloody hard, and the truth is – I just want him to speak. I need him to speak. I will feel he is safer when he speaks, because I can say ‘hey mate, don’t do that OK?’ And if he says ‘OK mum, roger that,’ then I can relax just a little bit more. We’re at about 50/50 on that front right now, but even that is a significant improvement on 12 months ago. Then I think of all the other parents whose children may never be able to speak, and my heart goes out to them. In the last five years, I’ve completely understood that communication is the most important thing for me with my kids. But at least I know Lex will communicate, and it’ll be very soon. But my oh my, if I think about the first five years of my little man’s life, the word frustration springs to mind – his and mine. Our kids are definitely sent to test us and most parents have at least one experience to share! At least I’ve never doubted him along the way. I’m proud of that. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea