May 2013

I LOVE social media. I’m on board. It’s a way of communicating, in multiple ways, to multiple audiences in a style I love – the written word. I’m not going to spend hours on the phone. If I write a letter or a postcard – terrific, but I’ll never send it and besides, I’ve got better things to do on holidays than write a bloody postcard. Birthday cards? You’ve got to be joking – I have loads written and they are lost in dark places. I need immediate communication, and the favorite part of living today is, it’s finally here. Social media allows me to share my life with the most important people to me who happen to live all over the world. I get to share my knowledge with people in my industry who (I hope) appreciate what I’ve got to say, and give me the chance to build credibility and a solid reputation. And I get to communicate with people I’ve never met, sometimes touching their hearts or relating to them by sharing an experience they’ve had as well. It’s nice. I love it. So many new things are possible because of it. But I’ve noticed people interact with social media in various ways, and some people have very strong opinions about it – not always good. When people are negative about it, to me it seems they’re missing the point. But they’re not me and I’m not them, so are they missing any point? We have our communities spread far OR close, and not everyone wants to go big, so it’s going to mean different things to different people, and that’s all part of its beauty. As such, I’ve created my own ‘labels,’ for people based on how they do or do not engage in a social world. Obviously this is my observations based on my own community, but I think I cover just about every country, race, religion and culture within my network, so a good test case, yes? The Lovers This group are born communicators. They share the things that make them think, laugh or even the stuff that outrages them. They value knowledge and believe sharing different ideas can change the world. They’re typically open to different opinions, argue passionately, love the collaboration they can create across the world, and most of the time, provide good fodder for their friend’s timelines. The great thing about The Lovers is they’re also terrific supporters. They’ll love your kids photos, your latest meal and if you want to launch a blog or a Facebook fan page, make sure they know about it, ‘cos they’ll “Like” it – appreciating how hard it is getting this kind of support. They don’t just communicate out with the world, they actively participate in it. Naturally, I consider myself a “Lover.” The Self Promoters Then we get The Self Promoters. These folk are on social media channels and quite active to boot, but it’s all about them. They’ll share pictures, adventures, blogs, events they’re in and more, but they’ll never EVER (well rarely) “like” anyone else’s work, share anyone else’s work, or acknowledge anyone else’s work. Sometimes it’s ‘cos they’re just too busy, but the reality is, they see social media as a one-way-street-for-information-distribution, and they’re all over it for that. Be sure to protect your heart from disappointment when they don’t acknowledge your existence. The Lurkers I know these people exist, because every time I turn up at a BBQ or a party they’ll bloody tell me everything I’ve been doing in my life, but NOT ONCE did they ever comment or acknowledge my existence online! They don’t participate, merely observe the lives of those around them, and sometimes it’s because they’re shy, sometimes it’s because they don’t see the point, and sometimes, it’s just ‘cos the world has to have it’s voyeurs… it’d be boring without them right? The Addicts The Addicts typically cross a lot of social media channels, and the one thing they love to do is combine them all together. So these are the ‘Four Squarers’ – checking in somewhere and letting you know where they are – e.g: “Gertrude has just checked in at Fur to have her snatch waxed” – awesome Gertrude! Or they’re all over Twitter having conversations all night with complete strangers about whatever it is they talk about. An Addict can usually be unveiled when revealing “they just needed to take a break from social media” – something that never lasts long. I ain’t a huge fan of the stranger chattage, so this group are a curiosity to me. The Pooh Poohers Probably my favorite group is this one. The Pooh Poohers are on social media, they participate in social media, and many of them are quite active on social media (usually via very selected channels), but equally, they use every bloody chance they get to tell you what a load of shite it is.  I find them a curiosity within the mix, because they are utilizing it, but equally deriding it? Anyone care to explain? Karl? The Yeah Whatevers Remember when mobile phones came out in the late 90s and a lot of us rushed off and got one? Then the next round of adopters got one? Then the next? Then there was this 4th group and they were all like “why the hell would I want one of them?” This demographic could typically be classified as 30’ish male professionals (and I did agree with them on why the hell would I, even though I had one), then 4-5 years ago, they cracked and the final frontier of phone adoption was won. After that, they were incredibly annoying and couldn’t be without their phones – interacting with them during dinner (but not on Facebook), interrupting conversations to take calls – yawn! Well those people aren’t on social media yet either, and you know what, they will be! These are the people at dinner parties who tell you why they aren’t

I heard a new term recently – Bromance – and if I was to define it I’d say it’s the act of two men adoring each other and communicating like a couple of teenage girls (giggles included), all-the-while being comfortable in their manliness and heterosexuality. I like it. It’s a nice term, because there’s nothing sweeter than two fellas having a little Bromance. Available for Bromance, interested parties please apply in writing Steve is due a new Bromance. He had one with our pal Michael Mullaney – an introduction I made and was then quite firmly excluded. Thanks. Both Steve and Michael are unusually chatty men and when they get together, the women-folk don’t stand a chance – which is saying something. I loved seeing Steve have a Bromance, and was super-sad when Ali and Michael decided to abandon us for better career opportunities in Boston. Steve still hasn’t found a replacement. He will. So male readers of Without the Bollocks – anyone prepared to admit to a satisfying and rewarding Bromance? Or ladies, your fella in the Bromance game? Cute? Annoying? While we’re talking of Bromances, it links quite nicely to something else that men just need to get over. It is now the time of the MANBAG! There is absolutely no getting away from it, and no, pockets are no longer the answer to all of your accessory needs. In fact, while we’re at it, neither is your wife’s handbag. Notice her sloping shoulders? Yeah, that’s the  weight of your shit she’s been lugging around. It’s time to get tough and carry your own stuff. It’s also time for a reality check – this day and age, you are no longer carrying a wallet and a set of car keys. You have a wallet, car keys, mobile phone, laptop, and tablet – at a minimum – and if you don’t, you soon will. Not to mention, a lot of you are all metro-sexual types these days with hand sanitizes, breath fresheners, and all sorts of other nonsense to boot. So it’s time for a manbag – get one and change your life. In fact, I was in Gucci the other day, and while I often find this brand over-the-top in the bag department, it seems they’ve gotten very elegant and simple in recent times – perfectly in-line with my manbag prediction. If only I could convince Steve to get one… But I can’t convince him to go for a manbag. Being a manly man, he just can’t get his head around it. So I went into stealth mode recently and got my little loves manbags. With both now sporting mini-tablets (for education purposes of course, not to keep them quiet in the car, what a shocking thing to suggest) I insisted they had to be responsible for their devices and got them a bag to carry them around in. The rules are they must be in a bag before they leave the house. It’s not really working yet…. As such, my little boys have manbags and one day soon, I know my big boy will too. It is time. Who’s got a manbag and was there resistance? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

All parents know that raising children means experiencing a series of stages – stages that consistently barrel into your life one after the other – and along that journey are stages all parents fervently hope pass them by. It’s often wishful thinking, but sometimes we do get lucky – for example I didn’t suffer too much of the temper tantrum stuff – however the reality is, most of the time we don’t get bloody lucky. Instead, these growing up stages come crashing through our lives like tidal waves of emotional shit, and all we can do is smile and remember: resist persist. But it’s definitely not easy. I am now in one of the least appealing stages – the one I desperately hoped to skip – and that is the “I hate you Mum” stage, closely followed by the “I’m so angry with you Mum” stage – awesome. And yes, I completely appreciate that it might be hard to imagine my two angelic cherubs ever saying such hurtful things…. The first couple of times it felt as though a big sharp dagger was being plunged into my heart – cruel little bastards. And then I just got over it, because well, you just do. These days I usually respond with something classy like: Oh well, you’ll get over it; Pull your head in; Who died and made you king?; or Well if you don’t hate me sometimes darling, I won’t be doing a very good job as your Mum now will I? I am definitely working on the creativity of my responses, but the truth is, it usually leaves me a bit bereft of words. The most bizarre part is it often has absolutely nothing to do with anything I’ve actually done. Fair enough, I’m being a grumpy bitch, I understand it if they hate me then. I sometimes hate me then too. But most of the time, it’s because some other little angel has hurt their feelings and the best person to take it out on is Mum. Awesome. Or they’re feeling embarrassed because they fell over in front of someone, and Mum gets it for that too. Or something else equally charming. Jax is also offering a double-bonus during this stage and that is his ability to get angry and stay angry. This week I started reading the boys a book before bed. They then decided to play with their toys. No problem, if that’s how they want to spend pre-bed time, I’m cool with that, but when I turned the light off, all hell broke loose. Jax demanded I read a book to him and I said “no mate, you made your choice to play with toys and now it’s time for bed.” Well the tears and the anguish – “crikey mate, calm down. You’ve got to accept responsibility for the choices you make. That’s life darls.” He didn’t calm down and when I went in for my final five minute ‘how was your day’ conversation, he turned away and ignored me. I went back in three times to try and make friends, but he didn’t give me an inch. I absolutely hated him going to sleep still feeling angry with me – that hurt. Of course, in the morning, it was all over. That’s the beauty of kids, they just get over bollocks. So here I am, in the middle of this storm. It will pass, it always does, and then something else will come along and kick me in my emotional arse. Why exactly do we have children again? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea