September 2012

A few weeks ago I wrote a blogtalking about the sheer terror I felt after losing Lex in one of Singapore’s biggest shopping centres. It didn’t just impact me, it impacted Jax and, of course, Lex. However it turns out, this might be one of the best things to happen to all of us… Everything has changed since this moment, everything. On one level, my trust in Lex to handle himself has grown exponentially. I was so panicked about losing my speech delayed lad, frantically worried that he wouldn’t be able to communicate with whoever found him, that it turned me into an absolute mess for a good few days afterwards – you might have gathered this in the original blog J. However, once I calmed down and was able to look at it objectively, I could see Lex managed himself with exceptional flair. He took one of the ladies in customer care from the 2nd floor up to the 7thfloor, via the escalators, to find our car and once he realised Mummy hadn’t left, was a lot calmer. Lex knew exactly where to go, because he has a terrific sense of direction, and applied great logic in understanding and managing his situation. He was also able to really communicate his wants and needs with strangers, and seriously, I couldn’t be prouder of my little boy. Jax was also really impacted by this event. He has been in a pretty fearful stage for some time now, and we do all we can to talk about these fears and try to help him manage them. We appreciate it might take Jax some time to get through this, and losing Lex definitely had a very big impact on him. My boys are like any other kids – constantly arguing and beating the shit out of each other – but their devotion and loyalty to each other is beautiful. When they grow up, I hope no one takes one of them on, because the other will back them up all the way. Those qualities are already present and I love how they are always there for each other – it gives me a lot of courage to let them go out into the world. However, because of this devotion, Jax was also very emotional and scared as I dragged him from one length of Ngee Ann City to the other faster than his little legs could carry him. But the hardest part of that hour was the understanding I also had to be there for him. I almost couldn’t “do” him at that moment, but I knew if I missed his needs in the panic I was feeling, I would be doing him a great disservice that could impact his emotional stability for some time. This parenting malarkey is not easy. When I look back on that day, I can definitely see it was a very interesting life moment for all of us. The biggest change is both boys will NEVER let me out of their sight – even for a moment. They also listen and do as they’re told immediately – cool huh? Before I’d say come on let’s go, and they’d stuff around, taking their time. Now when I say let’s go, they’re right by my side, usually holding my hand, and the holding hand thing is nice, because before, it was definitely a rare treat. So after nearly six years of taking my boys into shopping centres and coming out feeling stressed, angry and frustrated because they’re being little buggers, I have to say – I am finally enjoying shopping with my boys. They’re still pains in the arse, don’t get me wrong – but a new dimension has been added to the experience because of what happened, and they are more aware of being safe. That means staying with Mum instead of running off and doing whatever the hell they want. That’s really cool progress I have to say, although I wouldn’t recommend losing your kid to make that progress. Although, one significant change – which is not so good for other people – is the sheer volume of my family. Let’s just say, if you are in a shopping centre and we are there, you’ll know it. As a recent example, I took them into a large electronics shop. Because they were tired, I sat them down in two massage chairs in front a mega TV playing ‘Avatar,’ saying I’ll be back in a moment, wait here. I went 20 metres down the aisle, and within five minutes all I could hear was “Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum” at the top of their voices. I dashed back to the aisle so they could see me, said stay there, I’ll just be a minute, but that was it, they needed to be with me. Public toilets are worse – they have to constantly talk to me to make sure I’m still there!! And questions like “Mum, are you doing a wee or a pooh?” is one of their favourites.” So my public life with the boys now revolves around a constant stream of chatter – me talking to them, them talking to me – to ensure they feel constantly reassured I’m nearby. Bless their little cotton socks – I do love my little boys. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

To all my fellow fantasy-heads, I’ve had a bit of a gorge on some awesome fantasy of late, and wanted to share the love – because there are some amazing yarns to read. If you haven’t read any fantasy yet, can I just say give it a go – it will blow your mind! Prince of Thorns, Mark Lawrence ‘Princeof Thorns’ is Mark’s first published book, and I have to say, this is a very interesting twist on fantasy – in fact, I’ve never read anything like it. The main character, Honorous Jorg Ancrath, is a bloody turd of a kid, but at the same time you can’t help but like him. A young prince, with a complex history of murder and betrayal, his father (the king) is a horrible man, and he has a band of brothers who are some of the most repugnant humans you’ll ever be introduced to. Yet I somehow found this story charming. The best bit – the next book in the series is out, although I haven’t found it at the bookshops yet – I know, I just can’t go e-reader yet. I’ll hold on until the end. To be honest, I don’t know how you’ll react to ‘Prince of Thorns’ but I can say I found it intriguing. The Devil’s Diadem, Sara Douglas I’ve been a Sara Douglas fan for many years, but when researching this blog, I’ve only now realised shedied 12 months ago – which is such very sad news. She is one of the great fantasy writers of the last 20 years and the world has definitely lost a very special talent. More importantly, she lead the field in establishing women as serious writers of this genre, as before her it was almost totally dominated by men. Sara Douglas has definitely made an amazing contribution and she’ll be missed. If you haven’t read any of Sara Douglas’ books yet, they’re all awesome. The Axis Trilogy was absolutely mind blowing in its imagination and scope. But ‘The Devil’s Diadem’ – a single book – was something different again. Based in Sara’s creation of a Medieval England, it focuses on Evelyn Langtofte in a land besieged by a truly hideous plague. Drawing on ancient pagan beliefs throughout the book, which has all the more credibility because of her extensive studies in Medieval Histories, I loved it. It is a really captivating yarn. ‘The Devil’s Diadem’ definitely has a more feminine feel to it than Mark Lawrence’s ‘Prince of Thorns’. His story is definitely more masculine and I know my hubby Steve will enjoy the latter more because of that. The Outcast Chronicles, Rowena Cory Daniells Any true fantasy lover will relate to this. I recently picked up “Besieged” in a book shop. I hadn’t read any of Rowena Cory Daniells books before and when I noticed seven published books on the shelves, I figured she must be on to something good. You don’t publish seven books if you’re bad in fantasy-land. Before this, no one had recommended her and I’d just missed her books on previous hunts for something new. Can I just tell you something – BRILLIANT! After consuming “Beseiged” in days and missing sleep, I rushed back to the book shop and got the next two books – “Exile” and “Sanctuary.” I’ve just finished the last one this morning. Daniells has created a world and characters I haven’t seen before, and she’s mixed in the greatest qualities, as well as the worst qualities, human beings can have in a fast-paced, action-packed, character-rich story that I could not put down. To be a great fantasy writer I think you really need to grasp the full perspective of human qualities and emotions to create powerful and intriguing characters – ones you love and ones you hate. Daniells definitely understands people and if you haven’t read her books, get going but don’t blame me for the lack of sleep. The best bit, she’s got loads more books published, so if you love her, there’s plenty to consume. That makes me a very happy fantasy reader indeed, because so many times, I’ll look at the shelves, knowing I’ve read everything worthwhile – and that is not a good day for me. So thanks Rowena for the magic, as well as Sara and Mark, and all of the other great fantasy writers out there. You make my life richer. As an aside, the best bit about Rowena and Sara is they are both Australian. Aussie women have lead the charge in establishing women as equally brilliant writers in the field, and that makes me a little bit proud. Female fantasy writers just bring a different flavour to the art, and in the last 20 years, the quality of fantasy has skyrocketed. Us fans are so very lucky to have so much talent to consume. I admire every writer for their pure creativity and imagination, because my life would definitely be emptier (and duller) without fantasy in it. Something else I thank my Dad for everyday for introducing me to it when I was so young.   So there you go, five amazing books that have fed my imagination and allowed me to escape from life for a little bit these last few weeks and I wanted to share them because recommendations are everything. Can anyone recommend anything else worth reading? Steven Erikson any good? Haven’t ventured there yet… Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Imagine my horror the very first time I felt feelings of dislike towards my children? To say I felt like the worst Mum in the world is an understatement, but then I got over it, and have accepted that this is life with two rambunctious little lads. They push me HARD every day, and I cannot claim any sainthood in the parenting department, because patience is a rarity in my make-up. Even though I try desperately hard to be patient, sometimes they just push me over the edge into a screaming, teary maniac. The current feelings of dislike stems from two things: The first is we had some wonderful visitors over the last weekend (JB and Bronnie), and when visitors come to stay, we eat out more. When you eat out the choices are limited, which means the boys consume more sugar, MSG, additives, preservatives, etc… We know the bad behaviour is coming when we expose the boys to crap food, but we also acknowledge we can’t protect the boys from the world. So when people come to visit, we accept this aspect, keeping things free and easy, and just get ourselves braced for impact. There’s no denying it – when my boys eat crap food they turn into bloody monsters, so their diet is very carefully controlled and full of goodness 99 per cent of the time. It’s good for their sanity and it’s good for ours, because Steve and I also suffer the impact of crap food. We know it’s real. The second challenge is spurts. Jax is definitely having his four year old testosterone spurt, and according to Stephen Biddulph’s “Raising Boys”- this is the equivalent release of testosterone a teenage boy experiences when going through puberty. It’s FULL ON and he’s constantly challenging us, arguing with us, being more physical, and just being a belligerent little turd. He also has “convenient deafness” in the mix (you know when it’s good for him, he listens, when it’s not good for him, he ignores), which is also linked to growth spurts, because according to Biddulph again, our little boy loves do experience some element of deafness when they go through growth spurts as well. Suffice to say, Jax is hard bloody-yakka at the moment, and we constantly have to find the balance between letting him win some of the wars, while we win the important wars. And all the while I’m just wondering where my peaceful little lad has gone? Lex, on the other hand, is going through a development spurt. He had his growth spurt a month or so ago and we enjoyed all that came with that… However, as a speech delayed child, development spurts seem to include regression, where he goes back to the really annoying shitty behaviour that used to be the norm, and this is because he’s taken on board so much knowledge that he’s become frustrated and he acts out to vent this frustration. He just needs time to digest and practise what he’s learnt – which usually takes a couple of weeks (sometimes a month) to kick in – and then we have our beautiful little boy back. At the end of these outbursts, Lex will have more words in his vocabulary, he is more co-operative, and just seem more at peace in the world. Come back Lex! Two lads – 15 months apart – almost guarantees ‘spurt overlap,’ and when it does, all hell breaks loose. Steve and I work really hard to be patient and loving during these times, but we ain’t the earth mother and father. We’re just two people trying to make it work within a family mix, not always understanding exactly what is going on in our kid’s heads/bodies, all the while dealing with our own life challenges, and sometimes, we just don’t like them very much. Can anyone else relate? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Cristal Image from www.luxist.com Whenever you’ve got a bottle chilled I reckon- so pretty much ANYTIME! Yes? No? Although, right now, after two late nights of heavy drinking with our great friends JB and Bronnie, the thought of champagne at this moment makes my stomach curdle… However, as a definite ‘Yes’ person in this discussion in normal circumstances, imagine my surprise when my husband suggested we hold back on drinking a bottle of bubbles we’d picked up when we arrived back in Singapore (approximately six months before at the time) because it was allotted for a celebratory moment for something that hadn’t even happened yet! The first time we had one of these disagreements  – where we drank the champagne anyway, because I’m a stubborn bitch – I had to put up with a grumpy pain-in-the-arse-husband, while all along holding firmly to my own ‘fuck-you’ feelings brewing within – hey that’s marriage. It’s not a common occurrence in ours, but it does happen. The next time this little beauty came to a head, I said hang on a minute! We have great friends visiting – isn’t THAT worth drinking a few bubbles over? I mean that bottle has been in the fridge for weeks, probably months, and you want to wait until we’ve got some good news to celebrate first? Um isn’t just being with friends worth celebrating? In fact, even if there were no friends, how about we just be crazy sometimes and pop a cork? That’s called life right? Thankfully he looked at me and said you’re quite right, and we opened our bottled and enjoyed it together this time. No more grumpy-arse-bastard in the background, giving off his icky vibes that reassure me there will be an unpleasant conversation that night or maybe the next day… My husband is not a grumpy man, but he places strong values and importance on certain stuff. So do I, just in a different way. But when it comes to bubbles I say if you feel like drinking it, then go on ahead, because there’s nothing quite like a bottle of champagne. Hanging back to celebrate something that hasn’t happened, and may never happen, well that’s hardly living in the moment is it? And while I unfortunately spend a lot of time living in the future – an unhealthy place at the best of times – I will take any opportunity I can to be pulled into the present, where I can laugh, live and for just that moment, not worry about anything else – because worry is the biggest waste of time I know, and I’ve been doing far too much of that these last few years. Champagne, I believe, is a terrific accoutrement in assisting the process called living in the now. Do you agree? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

I’ve never been a patient “waiter” – it’s not something I’ve ever enjoyed, so I don’t like being late for things, and I certainly don’t like hanging around waiting for people – except if I’ve got a really cracking book to read, then take your time. With that said, since the boys came along, I have been known to be late on occasion, but I definitely set the expectation in advance – mums have that right I reckon. Not enjoying waiting is something I’ve always known about myself, accepted, and it’s why Queen’s “I Want it All” was my theme song as a teenager. Age has obviously given me some perspective, helping me to calm down and chill out a bit, but the ability to wait is definitely not one of my positive qualities let’s just say. Silence, on the other hand, has always been a friend. I love silence, crave silence, and since the boys came along, it’s something I appreciate more than ever. While silence means spending time with the chaotic thoughts of my mind, it is something I need in my life and welcome it with wide open arms. However, since entering the world of the entrepreneur, both silence and waiting have taken on new dimensions – and not in a positive sense. I have spent weeks, months, and sometimes years, waiting to hear back on a new business deal. Sometimes I get silence full stop. Other times I wait and wait and wait and finally something happens – be it positive or negative. On the one hand, I appreciate that it is my fault – the professional content and communications services I offer is not a mission-critical need for my potential customers. While they all recognise that what I offer is necessary and something they need more of – they’re not going to lose their jobs if it doesn’t happen. That’s a lesson learned for me – if your service offering is only perceived as a nice to have, the chances of it succeeding are slim – especially in Asia where people are running at a million miles an hour every day. To run a successful business, you need to be at the top of your customer’s priority list. So what do I do now? I don’t know. But I’m frustrated. I’m tired of checking email seven days a week 365 days a year in case someone who promised to respond to a proposal gets back to me. I’m tired of silence after the ball busting effort put into a proposal that the potential customer asked for and I responded to their need precisely, because every time I get creative, it freaks them out. I’m tired of not knowing. I’m tired of things not progressing. I’m tired of not working at my full potential. I’m tired of lack of courtesy. I’m tired of promises unfulfilled. I’m tired of not being frantic. I’m tired of not being able to make a huge impact. I’m tired of waiting for payments. I’m tired. I was reading this blog, by Aussie author, Andrew Roberts, the other day – and while I didn’t share it on my social networks at the time, it’s been running around in my head A LOT. I’d say the majority of people I know are very happy and contented with their life, which always makes me happy – it’s not happiness linked to dollars, but happiness linked to doing what you should be doing with your life. I believe we are all capable of achieving that plateau of happy, but some of us take a little bit longer to get there than others – although many never get there. I love nothing more than being with people who’ve ‘made it’ – found their destiny or whatever you like to call it – because these are the sorts of people who bounce out of bed every day with a HUGE smile on their face – it’s magic. So, based on Andrew’s blog, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m obviously not on the right bus. If I look at the “symptoms,” I’ve got more wrong bus symptoms than I have right bus symptoms, so that’s put me into a bit of a thoughtful place, and helped me recognise it might be time to change direction.  What do I need in my life to ensure I am on the right bus? I don’t know yet, I’m still trying to work it out. Suffice to say big changes ahead I reckon, ‘cos anymore of this waiting and silence will do my bloody head in. I just want to fly – that’s it – and wake up with a huge smile on my face every day. Not too much to ask I reckon. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea