July 2011

I’ve just finished another interesting read, this time “The Upside of Irrationality” by DanAriely. A professor in psychology and behavioural economics at Duke University, Dan explores why humans hang on to things and feelings, as well as what really motivates us – in work and in life. It’s a really interesting perspective, told by an academic who isn’t academic in how he writes, and he comes across as a very humble and lovely person. This is his second book – I haven’t read the first yet – and this time around, he focuses a lot on something terrible that happened to him in his late teens – he suffered 70 per cent burns to his body when a magnesium flare exploded next to him. Suffice to say, this guy went through hell – both multiple surgeries and a painful recovery process that took years (in fact, it will never really finish) and it was this experience that made him want to understand irrationality, because he wanted to understand his own pain. It talks about lots and lots of things, but some highlights include research that proves how big bonuses do not generate better results. In fact, if anything, the results are worse because the pressure is too high. Naturally, the financial community did not accept these findings… The Ikea affect, and why buying a crappy bit of furniture (sorry for those Ikea lovers out there but we’re all victims) and building it yourself makes you value it above something of real value. I think the red set of draws Steve and I built and painted before Lex was born fits that category – a lot of emotional attachment there. He talks about adaptation and how we are really really good at it, which is quite fortunate really. This helps all of us, but one particular example is being bound to a wheelchair, or going blind later in life – with research showing that, overtime and with adaptation, most people are no less happy than “normal” folk. Dan obviously adapted after his accident, although every day he suffers pain and others’ reactions to his scars. But adaptation is also the reason why, as massive consumers, we are not finding joy in our lives, because anything new (car, house, kitchen, tiles, etc) is adapted to and then we are forced to seek the next new thing to stay “happy.” There’s a lot to this book, like why we happily donate to a local girl suffering from something horrible and yet we don’t put our hands in our pockets when millions are starving – I hope people don’t ignore Somalia. Or why we value our own creations over others, and how we need to be aware that acting on negative feelings can result in us always acting in the same way if we face the same situation in future. Essentially, once we have a defined way of reacting, no matter the situation or circumstances, we tend to consistently react to things in the same way as we did the first time. But it’s not all bad. By being aware that we’re all completely irrational, it helps us to look at our own irrational behaviours and maybe question why we do things the way we do and perhaps even change our reactions? Never a bad thing in my mind. But also, sometimes our irrational behaviour is a lifeline, because it helps us to survive, no matter how painful the situation we face. So if you want to get into the human psyche a little and understand what makes us tick, I think this is a great, straight forward perspective on why we’re all just a little bit mad really. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea PS: I need a really really good book to get into – any recommendations? Some good escapism?

I don’t like rules. They restrict you and suppress your creativity. I don’t think all rules are bad and many obviously have a place in ensuring a more stable society for the majority, but not all rules are good, or even relevant. I definitely followed more rules when I was younger, but I’ve had the good fortune of meeting great people along the way who made me question some of them, and as a result, it helped me to question all of them. Some I stick too, many I’ve let go – it’s a good thing to question the rules you follow I reckon. Anyway, there’s a new world of rules now, and it’s associated with blogging and social media in general. I started blogging more than a year ago. I didn’t go anywhere or read anything or seek any advice, I just knew it was something I wanted/needed to do and so I did it. As it’s evolved, I’ve learnt a lot, launched another professional blog, and I’m working it out as I go, generally finding that what I write seems to resonate with some pretty respectable folk. Both of the blogs are growing in readership, people are generally positive, and while both are very different, they seem to be achieving good things. But what’s starting to annoy me is the constant, incessant and never ending “rules” doing the rounds about blogging – well pretty much all social media. I should be clear, I’m not talking about guidance or advice, I’m talking about rules – that’s what’s shitting me. The difference between rules and guidance is “this is what you must do to succeed” versus “this is what has worked for me and I’m passing on that experience.” I read a lot of different takes on this world, take on board some of it, but the reality is, the people who launched this “new world” weren’t following any rules, they created it, but now people want to apply rules to it. I appreciate that this is a sign of something maturing, but if everyone follows the rules all the time, it’s going to get very very boring and become predictable. I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen. This “issue” became more apparent to me recently. One of the ways to extend blog reach beyond your community is Twitter. I finally joined up a little while ago and have two streams – @withoutbollocks and @SAJEIdeas – both are very very different, focused on my two worlds – professional and personal. Since starting, I often sit there and look at the stream, bewildered by all the rules doing the rounds, as I ask myself – why do human beings feel the need to apply rules to everything? What a sure way to kill creativity! I actually find it all a bit depressing. Sharing wisdom is great but constantly being told how to do things, well that’s what gets to me. If someone asked me for my “guidance” I’d say If you want to blog, for whatever reason, do it and have fun Read and share advice from great people offer it based on experience rather than rules, but I’d make sure that what I/you share is relevant to the person receiving it. While it’s always great to read other’s advice, try not to follow it unless it resonates with you. Only you know what you want to achieve and there may be no rules available to help you do that I’d suggest you write well and if you can’t, work hard at improving – because the biggest turn off is bad writing – but don’t let that stop you. Friends and family especially, can be quite forgiving, and great blogs are always more important than great execution – but it does help Get going, observe your world, write, have fun, listen to your readers, ask for feedback, change tack if you’re not getting the response you want and give it time to build – and it really does take time to build credibility. People can take time to realise that you’re someone worth their effort to follow – especially with a professional blog as you will have attention “competition” Market your blog as widely as you can to get readership beyond your immediate community – if you want that – Google+ and Twitter are great tools for this Grow a thick skin – some people scan the Web looking to be turds and sometimes people you know personally can be turds. If you’re going to be controversial don’t expect everyone to love you for it And finally, DON’T FOLLOW THE RULES unless they work for you The most important thing is to enjoy it and build something that sits well with you. Some of the advice doing the rounds is great, but some of it is just “air” so beware the eager advice giver, especially when things are positioned as rules. We’ve all got to do things in our own way, and who knows, if you don’t follow the rules, you might start a new revolution – that is how it was started after all? You certainly can’t evolve any medium if you only follow. As with most things, just because something works for someone else, doesn’t mean it works for you. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

You know I love my boys right? I mean I’m their mum and therefore, they’re amazing. Naturally you might not agree with me that my kids are amazing, but if you’ve got your own kids, you’ll at least think they’re amazing. It’s one of those irrational qualities parents have and it’s probably a handy human trait – otherwise I think we’d all be abandoning our kids and running for the hills, because bloody hell, they can be challenging little turds at times. No this isn’t a climbing frame So, we were at the British Club on Sunday, and both of the boys were being pains in the arse for whatever reason – both of them are going through belligerent stages. On this particular day, Steve had had enough of them and I was in a more accepting mood – we do tend to take it in turns. There was a point when all three boys were engaged, so I had an opportunity to observe other parents dealing with their kids – around the same age as ours – who were also being pains in the arse but for different reasons – such as being sooks (or sulking for the non-Aussies,) throwing temper tantrums, or whatever. Later on Steve said: “I just wish our lads could be quiet and compliant, just some of the time.” While I agree with him, the reality is, all kids are a pain in the arse at some point and in some ways, and compliant or not, no one’s got it any easier. Kids are just being kids, finding their way and figuring out who they are right? My boys don’t have temper tantrums and they’re not sooks, but they don’t listen and they stretch the boundaries of safe play every day, which is turning Steve grey and making me more haggard, but they’re great little buggers too. The other day, when I was hanging out with them at an indoor playground (and as they couldn’t give two shits if I was there or not,) I decided to take some notes on the things they do that absolutely shit me to tears. A favorite for Lex And here they are… 1.    Dressing – getting kids dressed from the day they are born goes from being a fun activity to a big pain in the arse very, very quickly. When the boys were little, Steve used to describe the process as not dissimilar to wrestling a bucket full of eels covered in KY Jelly….. Despite the slipperiness, in the early days it was relatively controllable. Now you’ve got to get them to stand in one place, face you and participate in the getting dressed activities – not that they want a bar of dressing themselves of course, they’re too busy eyeing up the next challenge. Our boys are independent in many ways, but dressing themselves holds zero interest. OH, and let’s not forget my two fashion conscious tykes actually want to choose their own clothes now…. awesome, another 40 minutes added to the morning rush process!!! Getting shoes on and off is also another annoying part of getting dressed and I am just very thankful for Crocs, as well as for living in a warm climate where not too much clothing or accessories are required 2.    Brushing teeth – as a general rule, I would rather eat l’escargot than brush Jax’s teeth – since five months old, he has been a complete pain in the arse when it comes to brushing – my word he carries on, but naturally, it stops as soon as the brushing stops, so it can’t be that bad? Anyone would think we were torturing him. On another level, we hope never to be told he has a tender gum issue, otherwise we’re going to feel like complete arseholes! Thankfully, Lex is a dream with teeth brushing 3.    Car antics – getting them in and out of the car – what a bloody sideshow we must look like every time we turn up somewhere!! They’ve recently started hanging their heads out the window while the car is moving, they spend a lot of time on the back parcel shelf, on the floor where it’s difficult to get them, they love to climb on top of the car (yes the roof but only when the car is stationary thank god,) and constantly want to turn on every light, press every button, open every compartment, lock the doors, etc, etc… “Just get out of the bloody car” is my usual response to the situation and let’s not forget we are living in a steamy place, so stuffing around is exacerbated by being stuck in a hot, airless car park. I have to admit that the only time I come close to panic is when I am stuck in a hot, airless environment, so I’m not a happy camper with these antics in particular This always ends up a mud bath      4.      Public loos – anything to do with public toilets! I know how clean the toilets are at home, but public toilets I do not, and my ever curious chaps are into EVERYTHING. “Do not touch the blue box, it is full of used sanitary napkins” – “do not touch any part of the toilet bowl it is covered in pee” – “do not touch the toilet floor or let your clothes touch the toilet floor because it is filthy” – “do not touch the rubbish bin because it’s a rubbish bin” – and Steve’s favourite (which I have not been able to witness) is “don’t touch the deodorizers in the urinals please.” I can only imagine what the neighbouring pee-ers think when they hear me carrying on in a public toilet. I absolutely hate going anywhere near them with my boys, because in some cases, the toilets aren’t high enough for Jax and he can’t help but touch it 5.    Nagging and being ignored – being a bloody nag and not

Being a bit of a voracious reader, I enjoy the opportunity to blog about my most recent reads, and this week I’ve gone from rock stars to leadership. This time it’s “The Leader Who Had No Title” by Robin Sharma. I’ve read one other book by Robin – “The Monk who Sold His Ferrari” and I have to admit that I find his style of writing extremely corny BUT the message contained within is very powerful, so he’s not to be underestimated. I definitely think there is method to his madness, because he is conveying some very complex stuff in a simple way, so as a result, folks that wouldn’t normally read these types of books can gain the benefit of his insight. His aim is simple – to get every human being on the planet working at their very best, across all aspects of their lives, and being a leader in their field, no matter what they are doing. So as the book says, if you’re a street sweeper, be the Michelangelo of street sweepers. Robin Sharma is a change and leadership expert and he consults the biggest companies in the world. He is obviously respected, and the one thing he believes is companies need to empower all employees to be leaders, no matter what level they are at – be it a janitor or the CEO. It certainly makes a lot of sense. But it’s not just about leadership in the workplace, it’s about personal leadership, plus it’s also full of good life reminders and a collection of awesome quotes from famous people – some alive and some long gone – that are “nourishing.” Personally, it makes a lot of sense to me right now. Since reading it, I have definitely started to wake up in the morning and rather than think “ahhh I want more sleep,” I quickly change my mindset and think more about how can I be the best in all that I do – with myself, my work, my boys and my man. So it’s been a really good thing for me right now when life feels a little bit arduous. One of the early parts of the book that I thought was worth sharing is “The 10 Human Regrets.” So even if you don’t read it, I reckon this stuff is good and ALWAYS worth keeping front and centre. “The 10 Human Regrets 1.       You reach your last day with the brilliant song that your life was meant to sing still silent within you 2.      You reach your last day without ever having experienced the natural power that inhabits you to do great work and achieve great things 3.      You reach your last day realizing that you never inspired anyone else by the example that you set 4.      You reach your last day full of pain at the realisation that you never took any bold risks and so you never received any bright rewards 5.      You reach your last day understanding that you missed the opportunity to catch a glimpse of mastery because you bought into the lie that you had to be resigned to mediocrity 6.      You reach your last day and feel heartbroken that you never learned the skill of transforming adversity into victory and lead into gold 7.      You reach your last day regretting that you forgot that work is about being radically helpful to others rather than being helpful only to yourself 8.      You reach your last day with the awareness that you ended up living the life that society trained you to want versus leading the life you truly wanted to have 9.      You reach your last day and awaken to the fact that you never realised your absolute best nor touched the special genius that you were built to become 10.   You reach your last day and discover you could have been a leader and left this world so much better than you found it. But you refused to accept that mission because you were just too scared. And so you failed. And wasted a life” Good reminders don’t you think? I definitely know I don’t I have too many regrets because I’ve always been focused on living life to the full, but if I look at this list, the most work I have to do is on nine and 10, although we’re close to achieving six right now, and we won’t give up until we do. For me, 10 is about creating the opportunities I want to create so that I can leave this world better than I found it, and I believe that, no matter how small, I can make a difference. Nine I’m really focused on this now, and this blog is definitely part of that bigger dream towards reaching my “special” genius. It’s my focus because I know I am yet to reach my absolute best – I’ve done really well in a lot of areas, but my absolute best – not yet. I will though. I’m determined. So if you need a kick in the arse, want to get more focused, are sick of being a victim or find yourself blaming everyone and everything for your failures, or just know that sometimes a good reminder is all you need to get refocused, then you can do a lot worse than read this book. I think Robin is doing something admirable here and his Robin Sharma blog is good too if you want to check it out – definitely not as corny. Robin didn’t just write a book, he’s starting a movement, so check it out if this sort of stuff is your bag. I might buy it for a few people. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Wot-eva!! Yeah I know, age is a state of mind and all that, but one can never ignore the physical and mental things that happen when the years start ticking by. Number 10 on my list happened recently, and it got me thinking, as I am known to do. As such, here you have my top 10 things either I hate (or friends have said they hate) about getting old. Maybe you could add your insights and least favourite bits? Here we go: You finally get the opportunity to sleep for 10 hours straight and your body says, fuck you, no-can-do, because your body aches so much, you can’t stay in bed even when you want to. It’s definitely time to make that osteo/physio/chiro appointment a priority huh? You start getting a little bit forgetful, even forgetting what you were saying in the middle of saying it, although that could be a post-pregnancy thing… Somewhere along the way your toenails start getting a little bit thicker and harder to chop – but never your fingernails, oh no – they’re still thin and flaky thank you very much Your skins starts taking on a more crêpey texture, especially your hands, your chest, neck, and of course, your face…. I’ve also noticed that, for some people, this is the time when liver spots start appearing on their hands, and all that sun damage starts showing up too – with brown sun spots suddenly appearing everywhere A great friend once told me that her pubes were going grey… I can’t attest to this as a fact, but if I could, it should definitely be on this list, as well as head hair and other body hair going grey – again, not one of my challenges in the aging process at this point in my life You start hearing yourself saying things like “the young people today don’t know how good they’ve got it” and “when I was young…” – remember how it annoyed the shit out of you when your parent’s said stuff like that? Any bad habits you’ve been hanging onto start playing havoc with the mind, because you now start facing your own mortality and recognise that it’s probably a good time to clean up your act before it is too late You hit an age where regular doctor’s appointments must be made to check up on things that have more of a chance of biting you in the arse. You may recall my blog post about my first mammogram? Other examples include men getting their prostates checked more thoroughly; colonoscopies suggested more readily; blood tests becoming the norm; and so on. You know, shit like that? People start discussing the desire to undertake huge physical challenges, like doing the Everest Base Camp trek before you’re 50 (Sujay) or competing in an Iron man competition, or maybe even just a simple triathlon – we want to know we’ve still got it right? And the shittiest aspect of aging, and one I experienced recently – you lose your “Bar Presence” a.k.a. one’s ability to get the barman’s attention. This is a poignant time in your life as you jostle for attention against all of the young, fresh faced beauties you are competing with, and while good on them, I just want a drink please? Not to mention, older people usually have more money and tip better, so bar staff, think of your wallet and not your penis. Besides, I know a few older broads who could teach you a trick or two in the sack anyway! There you go. Anything else to add on this lovely Friday afternoon? We could have some fun. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

If you’re in need of a good yarn to read, one that will curl your toes and leave you wincing at times, then I can highly recommend Steven Tyler’s “Does the Noise in My Head Bother You?” I picked it up because I needed a break from the serious stuff I’ve been devouring of late, but I’ve got to say, it wasn’t much of a break. In fact, it’s a bit of a heart racer – I mean can any human really do that many drugs and live? And he doesn’t apologize for it – it was what is was back in the day, and I’m just pleased he’s still around to tell his tale. I think a lot of people renewed their love affair with Steven Tyler when he became American Idol’s favourite judge this year, and he was indeed a sweetheart – “beautiful, just beautiful.” His autobiography was amazing for many reasons. I loved the story behind his musical passion, starting with a boyhood sitting under his Dad’s grand piano listening to Debussy, to his family’s Italian band dynasty, all the way through to his passion behind rock ’n’ roll and how & why he wrote what he wrote. I loved the insight into what it really takes to be a rock star and how he developed his “image.” The story of his mother was gorgeous and she was one hell of a woman – an inspiration. The women in his life, the groupies and the sex – I don’t know he kept it up. Then there were his kids, whom he adores, but obviously the regrets are deep because you don’t get much time at home when you’re a rock star – definitely a passionate Dad. When he takes you through a day in the life of a rock star, you wonder why anyone would choose it? Furthermore, who knew that being a rock star, prancing around the stage for 40 years could play such havoc on your body, especially your feet? And the “marriage” with his band members – my word there were some shit times. Then we have the wives and their impact on the band – some were particularly nasty. The managers, and everyone else involved in running a mega band like Aerosmith – so much betrayal. The media and the sensationalism – crikey that would be intense. And of course, the drugs and the addictions, which magnified all of the other negative situations – phew, it was exhausting just reading about it. But the best thing about this book? I don’t think I’ve ever read something written quite this way before. Steven Tyler certainly has a way with words, which was apparent on American Idol this year and in the lyrics to his songs, and I am probably a fan of the book for this reason above all others. I love crudity and it comes spilling out of him in droves. There’s not too much PC’ness in here – awesome. Some of my favourite lines – but there are millions more – include: “Now the blues is, was, and always has been the bitch’s brew of the tormented soul.” “I can’t think of that girl’s name now, but god, she was the skinniest, cutest little trollop.” “Did I want to get that song out with its head crowning out of the vagina of the music? YES!” In regards to Pamela Anderson “I’d drink a gallon of her piss just to see where it comes from.” And some words of wisdom at the end “Along with everything else that’s happened, life is good. And I’ve learnt that if I shoot an arrow of truth, I must first dip its point in honey. I’ve learned the ancient lesson of apology – OWN IT. It puts out every fire you may have walked through in life. People, too, often miss the silver lining because they were expecting gold. I’ve seen the sun go down, only to be swallowed by the ocean! Only to rise again in the morning.” A self-confessed ADD, I’m glad he wasn’t born today because he would’ve been put on Ritalin to calm down that manic head and body, and then we wouldn’t have the Steven Tyler we have today. I have to admit that I’ve never been an Aerosmith fan, but of Steven Tyler, a fan I now am. He is also an inspiration that you can reach your 60s and still be cool. Well worth a read, but if you’re a prude, you might not enjoy it as much as I did. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea