June 2011

I’ve never been scared of confronting my own head. In fact, I first started doing it unconsciously when I backpacked for months at a time on my own. It’s amazing what can go on “upstairs” when you’ve got no one else to talk to. I found those times very therapeutic, as it gave me the opportunity to look deep within, challenge my thinking on deeply entrenched or fixed ideas, as well as the opportunity to contrast everything I thought I knew, with some of the wonderful and not so wonderful things I was seeing on my travels. Because I was able to do this, I shook a lot of the “life shit” away that I didn’t even know I was carrying until I had this chance to confront myself. Roll forward to nearly five years ago and I become a mum. There’s no question I love and adore my lads, but in many ways, I’ve found the whole transition into motherhood pretty challenging and felt quite lost in it for a while. Essentially I didn’t know how to be me, while doing the best job I could and loving the boys with my whole heart. As a result, the boys won – as they always came first – but I was finding myself getting pretty unhappy with the whole package that was my life. So a couple of years ago, I decided to go really hard and challenge my head and heart at a whole new level. As always, I started reading. I read spiritual books, religious books, non-spiritual books and anti-religious books, books by contentious conspiracy theorists, history books, as well as biographies by great people I respected. All of them gave me things to think about and I decided my quest was to understand the universe – how it all goes together, what it all means, and develop a much deeper understanding of what life is all about. I know that I will never get there (in this physical life anyway,) but I enjoy the challenge of always striving towards it, because what if some of the ideas out there are true? I’d have to say that no single book has ever won me over completely , although there’s definitely a few I’ve enjoyed immensely. The reality is, I’m not looking for a belief system, nor do I want to follow something already created. It’s just not me. I’ve always preferred taking a whole bunch of different opinions and mashing them together so I can come up with my own ideas because all ideas are valid to me…. that’s my preferred way of absorbing information and beliefs anyway. I’ve had one guide on this journey so far, Peter Hoddle in Australia, and he taught me to meditate – which felt like such a miracle for the crazy-headed me, but he also took me on my first past life regression, and since then, I’ve managed to do a few on my own. Very cool. I loved working with Peter and hope I can meet others that can give me some new ideas, because that’s what it’s all about I reckon –finding others on a questioning path and seeing where they are and why. I think more and more people are doing this now for sure.   One of things I’ve discovered is as you dig and probe and question and reassess your values and decide you’re going to believe in the law of attraction or manifestation or whatever and then accept that all is as it’s meant to be and that there is a larger purpose at play in the universe and that your path is defined to give you challenges to learn even though the learning can be quite painful sometimes and and and AND – well sometimes you get a bit worn out by it all. The other thing is when you strip yourself bare, before you can come screaming back to the light, you get REALLY bloody down. I’ve heard that the process of enlightenment can never be quick because we are not capable of handling it, so you’ve got to go in stages, and every time you meld a new understanding into your being, it leaves you ready to explore the next stage. Which means you go down again, take it in, come up feeling new and shiny, before heading on to the next stage. It’s been about two years now, and I’ve loved the evolution of my thinking and my values, but I’d like a little break now to relax and breathe. The problem is my head won’t let me. It seems that when you start this process you’ve got to be in it ‘til the end. But then, can it ever end? I love it and hate it at the same time, because it ain’t easy at all… but the emotional highs are a pure high, so it’s not all bad. I know I won’t stop, because I can’t – I’m laid fully open now, and once opened, it doesn’t seem that you can close up again, but maybe I can just have a little holiday from it? I’m curious to know if any of my dear readers are going through the same thing? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

National Geographic ran a cracking article a couple of months ago – “Opium Wars” – in relation to what’s going down in Afghanistan. It was a tough article because it seems no one is winning there – well apart from the drug lords and the corrupt officials of course. The local police and officials are being bombed, maimed, killed and terrorised The local growers, just trying to feed their families, are starving whenever their crops get slashed by the officials, so quite rightly, they’re getting pissed off and supporting “the bad guys” all the while continuing to grow poppies no matter what International troops trying to manage this situation are being attacked, injured and killed The Taliban is getting billions of dollars to fund their war on whoever is pissing them off today, or innocents just getting in the way Suffice to say, it’s a fucked situation and the drug is still making its way to market and screwing up even more lives. More of a worry though is that the supply has increased, driving prices down, which means more is available, so more are getting hooked, but what does that mean for the “end-user?” Dealers are cutting the drugs with dangerous substances to make more money. It’s a vicious chain of events, destroying entre generations…. Here’s an idea of how big the drug issue is in Afghanistan according to Wikipedia, and interestingly, it’s grown since the Taliban have been overthrown: “Afghanistan is, as of March, 2010, the greatest illicit opium producer in the entire world, ahead of Burma (Myanmar) and the “Golden Triangle.” Afghanistan is the main producer of opium in “Golden Crescent.” Opium production in Afghanistan has been on the rise since U.S. occupation started in 2001. Based on UNODC data, there has been more opium poppy cultivation in each of the past four growing seasons (2004–2007) than in any one year during Taliban rule. Also, more land is now used for opium in Afghanistan than for coca cultivation in Latin America. In 2007, 92% of the opiates on the world market originated in Afghanistan. This amounts to an export value of about $4 billion, with a quarter being earned by opium farmers and the rest going to district officials, insurgents, warlords, drug traffickers. In the seven years (1994–2000) prior to a Taliban opium ban, the Afghan farmers’ share of gross income from opium was divided among 200,000 families. In addition to opiates, Afghanistan is also the largest producer of hashish in the world.” Then this week AVAAZ announced that, as a result of their petition presented to the UN, along with the support of Richard Branson (nice one Sir,) “UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon has decided to create a task force to look at new solutions to the problem of drugs.” Apparently “any debate around ending the war on drugs has been quashed. In official circles, it’s “taboo” to talk the about regulation or decriminalisation” and many have lost their jobs when trying to get discussions going. So the “War on Drugs,” which is expected to cost the US government alone US$23.44 billion in 2011 and has seen trillions make its way into organised crime, and only now they’ve decided it’s time to “talk” about it? Does that strike anyone else as completely insane? But look at the figures – the export value out of Afghanistan is US$4 billion, and the cost of the war on drugs is US$23.44 billion, and while I appreciate that this figure is global (and that the US is also dealing with drug issues closer to home in South and Central America,) the farmers in Afghanistan, who are growing the opium, get US$1 billion for their work. And that brings me to a hopeful point, as maybe there is a solution – provided by a complete stranger living in the UK. Mike Davis, from Cheltenham in England, wrote a letter to the editor of National Geographic this month and he said “why don’t we buy the crops ourselves and turn it not into heroin but into medical morphine, for which there is a great demand?” Brilliant. Simple. Brilliant. Pay the families in Afghanistan more than the drug lords for the crop, their families get to eat and become our “friends,” we get a constant supply of morphine or whatever drug can be created to help humanity, and everyone wins, except the shitty guys selling it up the illegal drug chain + the addicts who ain’t gunna be too happy, but hey, there’ll be more morphine available? Simple is usually the best approach right? But what would I know…. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

“Go the Fuck to Sleep” has become a global sensation. It went viral, Samuel L. Jackson did the voiceover (although strangely I can’t access it in Singapore) AND now it’s got a publishing deal + pissed off some family advocacy groups. Well done – I love stories like this. The only problem is, getting my kids off to sleep has never been an issue (getting them to sleep long enough is,) but equally frustrating, getting them to stop touching stuff my remains a constant ball ache, so I’ve decided to write my own children’s book for your viewing pleasure. All I need now is an illustrator, then for it to go viral, get Angelina Jolie to do a voiceover and bam, world domination…. Well hardly, but in an effort to entertain my dear followers, here goes: Please, Just Leave it the Fuck Alone By Andrea Edwards (with some ideas from Steve Johnson) Dedicated to my sons, Lex and Jax Johnson. If it wasn’t for you, life would be more peaceful and we’d have a lot more money and sleep BUT it would be dull and empty of all the wondrous moments you give us everyday. My darling you’re crawling around now I’m so proud of you moving on your own No don’t touch the $20,000 Bose stereo love Please, just leave it the fuck alone It’s lovely seeing you toddling around dear I know you like my brand new Vertu diamond encrusted phone Instead of putting it in the microwave sweetheart Please, just leave it the fuck alone You’re 18 months and into everything now Even munching on the poor doggies’ bone But that Cartier necklace cost Daddy loads my love Please, just leave it the fuck alone You’re two today, happy birthday my beauty You’ve really worked out how to atone But it doesn’t stop you munching on the poo brush does it? Please, just leave it the fuck alone Mummy’s cosmetics are obviously intriguing for you Even Mummy’s rare Ivory handled comb But I draw the line at decorating with my lipsticks darls Please, just leave it the fuck alone It’s your 4th birthday today, hooray my treasure What an explorer you’ve been in the home You’ve finally found Mummy and Daddy’s “special draw,” great Please, just leave it the fuck alone PS: for anyone thinking of robbing me, I do not have a $20,000 Bose stereo, nor do I have a Vertu diamond encrusted phone, a Cartier necklace or an Ivory handled comb – because I abhor the killing of elephants or any living creature for any reason, except when it comes to a good steak. We also don’t have a dog, and mind your own business about our “special draw.” I could go on and on and on because my boys remain dedicated to getting into EVERYTHING and NOTHING is sacred! And for those who don’t think women/mothers can write this sort of shit, HELLO!! I’ve got books of this stuff – in my head at least. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Watching your kids grow up is definitely a fascinating experience, but over the last few days, Jax has blown us away. Jax is the grand old age of three years four months, and up until now, this kid has had balls of brass and is always the most confident and charming kid in the room. While Lex tends to hang back at the edge of the circle, Jax is in the middle, shaking things up. He’s a bloody hoot and we adore him. Since birth, Jax has never been particularly sensitive – he just shakes shit off and moves on. However, about four days ago, I walked into our bedroom and Jax is sitting on the floor having a sit down protest. I say “mate what’s going on?” He replies “I’m angry.” “Angry, oh dear, what are you angry about love?” Well he couldn’t quite encapsulate what he was feeling, but when offered a cuddle, he took it gladly and the moment was over. Since then, he’s taken himself off a few times, sat down in a huff and when gently asked what’s going on, has told us he’s angry, sad, annoyed and once, that Lex is lucky and he isn’t. I don’t know where the bloody hell he gets this stuff from, but one thing for sure, he doesn’t miss a trick. We try very hard to treat both boys equally, praising both, loving both, laughing with both, acknowledging both – but when he said Lex was lucky and he wasn’t, we both said WHAT? I never EVER want either boy to feel less loved, less adored, less treasured, but it’s a balancing act isn’t it? Lex automatically requires more attention – mainly due to his speech challenges – so is Jax picking up on that? I don’t know. In some ways, as he’s the easier one to deal with and speak to, I sometimes wonder if he gets “more” love, or may Lex thinks he does? Ahhhhh bloody kids I tell ya. All I know is I want to help my boys grow in to emotionally mature men, and while I have no idea “how” to do that, I am constantly seeking ways that I can help them talk and open up about their feelings, rather than reacting physically. I mean, that’s what we’ve got to get them to do, talk and feel safe about expressing themselves? Right? Who knows, this parenting malarkey is a bit of a gamble, and for now, I just want to be attentive enough to always notice when my lads need a bit of one-on-one time, a chat, some silent company or just a cuddle to let them know everything is alright. Jax is an incredibly articulate little man, he understands very complex stuff, and now that he is really communicating this stuff – mainly in regards to his feelings – it feels like we’re entering a whole new and lovely dimension to his character. I have no doubt both of my boys will grow into lovely, charming men, so I suppose I’ve just got to stay really aware of their needs for as long as mum is required. I have to admit that’s a job I’m really happy to have. In the meantime, I’m enjoying my new, sensitive little man. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Five months ago we landed back in Singapore on a wing and a prayer, and I’ve got to say, these five months have been extremely challenging. We came back because we needed to be happier with our life, and that comes from a few different elements for both of us. The most significant thing missing for me was work opportunities. I need to work. I love working. It gives me a thrill being out there, I enjoy interacting with smart people, and I love the creative process when I pick up professional writing assignments – or even better, when I get to create the words a company uses to describe itself. Steve also needs to work and be excited about what he’s doing, he needs to stretch himself and he needs to work with like-minded people beyond the world of Geosynthetics. He’s now doing that and he picked up two contracts last week. He’s a clever man. But as I said in my earlier blogpost – Gaining Time – we also need to have time for each other AND most importantly, time for our boys. We know we could never have it all in Australia. It’s just not designed for that, especially with no family help around the corner, so we came to the understanding that we needed to be in a place where we could have help, even if we had to pay for it. This help means we can rely on everything being taken care of in the home so we can just get on with living and working… just the way we want it. In the last week, I can honestly say, I think we’re there. It’s been a hard grind. There’s been a lot of disappointment. People have said they’d follow-up and we’ve heard nothing. Things haven’t worked out how we thought they would. Business hasn’t come through when we were told it would. We’ve stressed and strained over paying rent and school fees. There have been days, weeks… well it’s just been all consuming at times… But as we’ve moved through this cycle, we’ve had a chance to see where the business opportunities really are and we’ve reshaped what we offer to more closely reflect a need. We’ve had a few angels step in along the way to help us out or make sure we’re getting a chance to meet the right people. And we’ve persisted, remained positive and hopeful, put ourselves out there at every opportunity, we’ve worked out how to have fun in the midst of the stress, and when we gotten down we’ve kicked ourselves (or each other) in the arse and said “feeling like this doesn’t serve us, it only makes the situation worse, so perk up sweetlips and focus on the future – it’s going to happen.” It’s happening, and while we’re not in comfortable-land by a long shot, we’re heading there and moving towards the life we want. A life where we’re all happy and relatively content. The next chapter definitely has to have more ease in it – not something I’ve ever really sought on my life journey to date. No idea why I haven’t taken the easy roads… However, based on these last few months, I’ve got to say, believing in something and staying true to your direction is not an easy thing to do. Most people don’t move countries with a family and no back-up or job – but we just had to, we were unhappy. Making massive changes is something we know how to do (hey we’ve both done it a lot) but it’s never without good reason – I mean I can’t think of anything more important than being happy, being professionally satisfied, spending time with my love and giving our boys every chance we can to help them become amazing men? It’s been the right choice. A hard choice, but the right choice. Many have questioned our choices and decisions. Some ask us openly, others don’t but we know they want to. Some look at us and wonder what the bloody hell our decision making parameters are? I was asked again on Saturday why we’ve moved around so much and most of the time, I can’t give an answer that makes sense to everyone. The reality is we made a decision that we would keep shaking things up until we were happy, and while we’ve gone through a lot of ball ache in the process, returning to where we left, we’ve always been prepared to do whatever it takes to find what we want. Sometimes you’ve got to go through these times to really appreciate what you value and we will never regret the last two years – oh the life lessons! BUT I can tell you something for sure – we won’t be moving countries again in the short term. In fact, we figure we’ll be here for a long time. It’s definitely home. We’re in the right place. We’ve got an amazing community of friends around us and Singapore is buzzing, vibrant and dynamic right now. It’s awesome. The other wonderful thing is the boys absolutely love it here. They have a constant community of children to run around with, and Lex has a renewed faith in his school environment after the horribleness he experienced in Australia. A psychologist told us that experience may come back to kick him in the arse when he’s around six or seven, so we’ll be bracing ourselves for that. But he is absolutely overjoyed to go to school these days and that alone has been worth all the heartache of the year so far. Not to mention, he’s talking. Not 100% at his level yet, but he’s getting there. It’s so cool – I love hearing what that little man has to say. What about Jax? He’d be happy anywhere – he’s just a dude and already the most popular boy in school. That kid I tell ya! There you go. I thought you’d be

Four and a half years into this mothering malarkey and I am still beside myself with sleep deprivation. I dream of the day I can arise feeling refreshed and ready to embrace the day and all it offers…. In one area we are lucky – the boys go off to bed beautifully every night. They love bedtime reading and chatting time, but come 4am, 5am, 6am, they’re up, bright as a button and ready for the day. The problem is they haven’t had enough bloody sleep, so the brightness wears off quickly and we have two emotional, unreasonable, demanding little turds to contend with and if they just bloody slept for long enough, it wouldn’t have to be that way. As you can probably guess, we’re back into an early rising cycle. Neither child is responsible, they take it in turns, bless. Every night we say to them “if it’s still dark outside, go back to sleep. If you can’t go back to sleep, come and wake up Mummy (but preferably Daddy) or jump in to bed with us until the sun comes up.” “OK Mumma” they say, but do they ever follow those instructions? Oh no, the early riser for that day wakes the other one (because they can’t be without each other,) and they either a.) raid the fridge for chocolate and if there’s enough chocolate, eat it until they spew (although that only really happened once – almost burning down the house was another awesome morning) or b.) they go and hang off the balcony, throwing toys and thinking it’s a hoot. As such, we can’t languish in bed, because c.) they might fall off the balcony and die or d.) we want them to have great teeth so eating chocolate in great quantities is a no no. In the meantime, Steve and I have trouble sleeping because we are listening out for every noise, mainly concerned that they’re going to fall off the balcony and die, so we never get any peace of mind in this whole parenting shebang! To think a significant reason for moving countries AGAIN was to enjoy the Singapore 365 days a year 7am sunrise/7pm sunset – because the 4am Queensland sunrise/Kookaburra chorus was killing us – and yet still we do not have consistency. The good news is it’s not as bad as Australia was… And so many parents said “it’ll get better from about four. At four, they become independent and just get up, turn on the TV and chill until you wake up” – ummm really? I dream of the day I get up around 9am, come out to two peaceful lads hanging on the couch, being responsible, sorting their own healthy breakfast, not doing any death defying stunts, and being QUIET….. That is what I dream about now, when I can get to sleep of course. I’ve heard many times that tiredness is a state of mind and you just have to decide not to be tired anymore. For those who think like that, I challenge you to come and take care of my boys for a few months and see if you still believe it’s a state of mind. Yours, without the bollocks A weary, Andrea

I had a little discovery this week, one of those “Aha” moments. You may think DUH, everyone knows that, but I have to say, I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about it, probably because I never had it as an example from my parents. My “aha” was discovering the distinction between love as a verb and love as a feeling. When I say love as a feeling, I suppose it’s that fall in love phase, where your heart feels like its gushing over with this intense and lovely stuff. You can’t think, work, eat or do anything – it consumes you and let’s face it, there’s nothing quite like it is there? It’s probably why some people are serial monogamists, because it feels so good to feel like that. The distinction I’ve uncovered is that feeling love and doing love are two very different things. Anyone who’s gone through this “feeling” phase and then onto the next life/love phase – which often lacks the lovely, gushy feelings on a day-to-day basis – knows that it can be a bit confusing. Why don’t I still feel like that? Why don’t I look at my partner and feel love overflowing? It’s probably why so many relationships break down because we expect to feel this way all the time… well at least those cultures influenced by the Hollywood representation of love. But this isn’t what love is. Love is a verb and because it’s a verb, love is something you actually do. Steve has always understood that love is a verb – he is 100% motivated to serve not just me, but everyone he loves. It’s a very inspiring quality to have in a partner, because it makes you work harder on the relationship too. I suppose I have understood the distinction subconsciously to a certain extent, but until this week, I don’t think I ever consciously committed to the concept of love as service, because I never understood that love IS an act of service. Naturally, when I say service, I do not mean being inferior to my partner or allowing him to dominate me – instead it means honouring each other. It’s a cool thing to realise, and that’s why I wanted to share it here, so that anyone else who hasn’t consciously thought about this love-as-a-service-stuff may gain-a-leg-up in the world of love, because if we’re all working harder at serving those we love, well we’ve got a greater chance of being happier and there’ll probably be more love going round. I remember Steve once told me a great story about an old Hollywood legend, although neither of us can remember his name… but we will. Anyway, this legend was celebrating 50 years of marriage and when asked how he had succeeded in such a long and happy marriage, he replied that he lived to serve his wife and making her happy was his highest priority. It didn’t sink in completely when Steve said it, but now it does, it really does. I’m definitely going to work harder at serving all of my loves and I’ll do it with real joy in my heart. Happy loving. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea