I’ve never been scared of confronting my own head. In fact, I first started doing it unconsciously when I backpacked for months at a time on my own. It’s amazing what can go on “upstairs” when you’ve got no one else to talk to. I found those times very therapeutic, as it gave me the opportunity to look deep within, challenge my thinking on deeply entrenched or fixed ideas, as well as the opportunity to contrast everything I thought I knew, with some of the wonderful and not so wonderful things I was seeing on my travels. Because I was able to do this, I shook a lot of the “life shit” away that I didn’t even know I was carrying until I had this chance to confront myself.
Roll forward to nearly five years ago and I become a mum. There’s no question I love and adore my lads, but in many ways, I’ve found the whole transition into motherhood pretty challenging and felt quite lost in it for a while. Essentially I didn’t know how to be me, while doing the best job I could and loving the boys with my whole heart. As a result, the boys won – as they always came first – but I was finding myself getting pretty unhappy with the whole package that was my life. So a couple of years ago, I decided to go really hard and challenge my head and heart at a whole new level.
As always, I started reading. I read spiritual books, religious books, non-spiritual books and anti-religious books, books by contentious conspiracy theorists, history books, as well as biographies by great people I respected. All of them gave me things to think about and I decided my quest was to understand the universe – how it all goes together, what it all means, and develop a much deeper understanding of what life is all about. I know that I will never get there (in this physical life anyway,) but I enjoy the challenge of always striving towards it, because what if some of the ideas out there are true?
I’d have to say that no single book has ever won me over completely , although there’s definitely a few I’ve enjoyed immensely. The reality is, I’m not looking for a belief system, nor do I want to follow something already created. It’s just not me. I’ve always preferred taking a whole bunch of different opinions and mashing them together so I can come up with my own ideas because all ideas are valid to me…. that’s my preferred way of absorbing information and beliefs anyway.
I’ve had one guide on this journey so far, Peter Hoddle in Australia, and he taught me to meditate – which felt like such a miracle for the crazy-headed me, but he also took me on my first past life regression, and since then, I’ve managed to do a few on my own. Very cool. I loved working with Peter and hope I can meet others that can give me some new ideas, because that’s what it’s all about I reckon –finding others on a questioning path and seeing where they are and why. I think more and more people are doing this now for sure.
One of things I’ve discovered is as you dig and probe and question and reassess your values and decide you’re going to believe in the law of attraction or manifestation or whatever and then accept that all is as it’s meant to be and that there is a larger purpose at play in the universe and that your path is defined to give you challenges to learn even though the learning can be quite painful sometimes and and and AND – well sometimes you get a bit worn out by it all.
The other thing is when you strip yourself bare, before you can come screaming back to the light, you get REALLY bloody down. I’ve heard that the process of enlightenment can never be quick because we are not capable of handling it, so you’ve got to go in stages, and every time you meld a new understanding into your being, it leaves you ready to explore the next stage. Which means you go down again, take it in, come up feeling new and shiny, before heading on to the next stage.
It’s been about two years now, and I’ve loved the evolution of my thinking and my values, but I’d like a little break now to relax and breathe. The problem is my head won’t let me. It seems that when you start this process you’ve got to be in it ‘til the end. But then, can it ever end? I love it and hate it at the same time, because it ain’t easy at all… but the emotional highs are a pure high, so it’s not all bad. I know I won’t stop, because I can’t – I’m laid fully open now, and once opened, it doesn’t seem that you can close up again, but maybe I can just have a little holiday from it?
I’m curious to know if any of my dear readers are going through the same thing?
Yours, without the bollocks