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When Steve first leaves on one of his extended business trips, there’s a lot of love going back and forth on Whats App. We’ve always been an over-communicating-kind-of-couple, keeping each other connected in our day-to-day lives when we’re apart… well it actually happens when we’re in the same city too. Steve drives that. For him it’s about respecting each other and being interested in each other’s lives. It’s one of his many lovely qualities that makes us stronger as a couple. But as the weeks roll on (we’re finishing three weeks of travel right now) and you’re living the same chaotic life, just in different countries, the energy and enthusiasm in the communication department starts to wane. You just get to the point where you’ve had enough and want it over. Early trip communication has lots of loving messages and then the day-to-day rolls in: Early into trip – “I’m up, the boys are off to school counting down the sleeps ‘til you get home, I’m getting ready for work now, hope you have an amazing time tonight. Promise me you’ll enjoy yourself xxxx” Middle of trip – “Chaos done for the morning, I’m getting ready for work, love you xxx” End of trip – “Boys gone, me soon x” Night time progression is along these lines “Sleep well my love. Hope it’s been an amazing day for you. Can’t wait to speak tomorrow to hear all about your day xxxxxxxx” “Good night sweetheart xxxx” “Bed time x” It starts to become a challenge of creativity. The longer Steve is away, the more mundane our messages become, because how many ways can you say the same thing? You work hard on trying to be unique in what you say, because it’s important to stay connected, but it does start to become a chore. It becomes tedious. It’s hard when it reaches that point, because you don’t want it to be tedious. It’s too important. While this international travel might seem exotic and exciting to those who don’t have the opportunity to do it, it really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It just makes life that little bit harder for the whole family. And I’m not even speaking of the mundane Steve faces on his adventures – packing, unpacking, packing, unpacking, city to city, town to town, airport to airport, time zone to time zone. In the meantime, Steve is having his final sleep in the US while I finish another weekend without him and that includes dealing with the boy’s emotions of missing their beloved dad. I don’t like it when he’s away for a long time, but the boys really reallydon’t like it. Jax in particular seems affected this time. I know it’s good for him. Good for us. But right now, all I want to say to him is: can you just bloody come home now Steve? Hurry hurry. We would miss it if we couldn’t do it though. We both know that. Anyone relate? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea 

I was having a rather hilarious discussion with a couple of great birds at a networking night recently. All around the same age bracket, one was telling us she could still do the splits, because she was a pretty serious ballerina in her younger days. We couldn’t get a live demo unfortunately, because jeans are not suitable attire for the splits, but I’m on a promise for a demo in future. I did ballet for a while when little and could do the splits then, but it’s a talent long behind me today – although maybe I should try… The other lady, a tall, gorgeous woman, could never do the splits EVER. Ballet was just not in her past at all. Apparently tall girls didn’t do ballet. But it got me thinking about the things you didn’t learn as a kid that you wished you could do now. And for me there are only two clear misses. The first is playing pool. I never learnt it from a young age. Sure I can smack balls around a pool table at furious speed, and sometimes I have a good night and actually look like I know what I’m doing. But it’s like playing darts. The great nights are rare and I usually look like a dick when I play. Being good at pool, developing the skill and subtly required to play it well, comes from years of wasting hours in pubs as soon as they accept your fake ID. I obviously didn’t use that time to the best advantage. It’s a shame though, because a talented woman on a pool table is one of the most sensuous and powerful sights I know. I was too busy with my euphonium to appreciate that. But the biggest miss for me is the Wolf Whistle. Ahhh man talk about powerful and sexy! I’ve just never mastered it. I tried, I really did, but I didn’t try hard enough. We were obviously missing another key ingredient back then – the wikiHOW – with a 10 step instruction on how to do it WITH PICTURES. Maybe I’ll have another go and see if I can learn it with the boys!! They’re definitely on the trying to whistle journey right now. And check this out. I found The Art of Manliness – love it. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting people along the journey of life who could wolf whistle spectacularly – many really surprising. Don’t you think it’s awesome when you do a double take, because you didn’t expect that lovely lady to be able to do THAT? Always makes me laugh from deep in my belly, because it’s nothing short of brilliant! It feels so Hollywood when trying to get a taxi in NYC and your pal rips one out. Or trying to get someone’s attention and they’re just too far away, only to have a friend let a pearler go. It’s amazing how many heads turn around on a whistle. It penetrates the entire community within hearing range. Great skill. Shame I missed out on that one. So now it is over to you for some light Sunday banter. What didn’t you learn that you SO BLOODY wished you did – from the depths of your soul? Should be fun. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea BTW I’m on Twitter here, Google+ here, Instagram here, and Facebook too, if you’re interested in the other stuff I share. Feel free to share my blog if you think anyone you know will be interested or entertained. I sure do appreciate it when you do xxxxx

Lex snored since he was born. It wasn’t until he was nearly four that an ear, nose and throat specialist (ENT) asked me the question – does he snore? Why yes I said, since he was born. His response was simple. No child should snore. I’ve thought about that moment so many times in the five years since the accidental appointment. I made the appointment on a hunch, as I often have with Lex. But if only I’d known kids shouldn’t snore earlier, how different things would have been. If only one doctor had asked me the question earlier. But they didn’t and they didn’t notice the narrowing of Lex’s ear canals either – the sign his adenoids and tonsils were exploding in size. This meant how he heard the world was often painful, especially in a room full of screaming, high pitched kids. We’ve had so much misinformation since that time. So many tests and guesses. The problem has always been that no one has really known what the hell was going on, because no one really understands the developmental impact on a child with hearing challenges, or how very unique every child is when it comes to developing language. To really know, they need to be inside the brain of a baby or a toddler, and of course, they can’t – not yet. It’s been a hideously long and expensive road for us since, and we’ve thrown money at every possible solution. We’ve done two things that made the biggest impact. First Excelerate, where they helped Lex deal with his frustration at not understanding the world, and at not being understood. And the second, more recently, when I read The Woman Who Changed Her Brain. After I read this, we registered Lex in a brain training program – one used by NASA to train astronauts on focusing, and the results have been staggering. Click this link for lots of videos on NASA brain training. My lesson with both. If you’re child has an issue with shrinking ear canals and is starting to act up, address his behavioural issues first. Expressing frustration is a good thing because they’re giving you a sign something is wrong – many kids go completely silent. It might turn out to be something else, but it also might be just that – frustration. Helping them to calm themselves is a gift to give your child. Excelerate had both speech and behavioural therapists working together, and that was a huge bonus for Lex. Second look at cognitive brain development. Most countries/cities seem to have some form of cognitive therapy centers, and Barbara Arrowsmith-Young, who wrote ‘The Woman Who Changed Her Brain’ has centers in Canada and Australia. Maybe more places now. Once again, with cognitive therapy, I was just using my gut. However it made sense to me that if Lex missed out on some fundamental development skills as a baby and toddler because of his hearing, it occurred to me there was a very real chance some of the necessary cognitive wiring in his brain was impacted. It’s been awesome for him, perhaps it’s an opportunity for you. My next initiative is to get him into some sort of acting/drama classes. He’s had speech therapy for years and has an impressive array of language (and slang) today, but now I think it’s time he learnt how to use and project his voice properly. As I said, we’ve done a lot of guess work, but I’ve learnt to trust myself when it comes to Lex. But this issue has come up again, this time for Jax Jax hasn’t been doing as well at school this year as he did in the past, and that has been a big concern. He’s a bright kid and we’ve been scratching our heads trying to work it out. Do you know where we found the solution – the dentist! Dr Trev Halcome is a wonderful kids’ dentist and he recently handed me this PowerPoint deck – What Happens to a Childs’ Brain When They Snore . An ENT in Queensland created this information and when I read it, I thought bingo for both of my boys. What I am loving about today is some medical professionals are finally starting to look at the bigger picture. There’s a lot of kids being misdiagnosed – something I’m absolutely against. Fine if the diagnosis is right, but if there are other things happening, we must be open to every possibility, rather than just accepting a couple of options – ADHD or Autism. That diagnosis might be right, but they might be wrong too, and if they are wrong, the child will never be able to grow into the person they are meant to be. That is something I could never accept with my boys. Shove your labels up your arse and let’s focus on dealing with the issues! Diet also needs to be integrated into this of course. The amount of additives and preservatives young kids are exposed to today is horrifying, but that’s another issue. Anyhoo, Jax’s teeth are all bunched up, so of course we’re thinking braces. No, it’s not braces, his pallet isn’t growing fast enough for his age, which means he is not breathing properly when he sleeps, which means he’s always tired and that’s why he’s not doing so well at school. Jax will be booked into the chop shop next. Maybe just his adenoids, maybe his tonsils too, but he’ll also need a bunch of skin scraped off his pallet. Ugh! Not looking forward to that. So that’s why I’m writing this blog. Before puberty no child should snore. When they sleep, they shouldn’t breathe through their mouth either, as Jax is doing right now. That is what I’ve been told by doctors I’ve come to trust, and I know it’s true in our case. I’m not a doctor. I’m a mother who’s been through a lot of shit, and if I can help one parent not

One for the ladies today (and maybe a few curious fellas) but do you remember the moment when fragranced sanitary napkins entered our lives? Early 80s in Australia right? In my memory it occurred at the same time “womanhood” commenced (for those in my age group you’ll know when that was), and this was before we were old enough to embrace other alternatives – in my Catholic community at least…  In fact, some gals at my school never got permission to move beyond the pad. Thankfully my mum was quite liberal in that regard. Anyhoo, last night I walked into our lift lobby and there was the strongest smell of fragrant pad. I said: ‘shit Steve that brings me back to being 12 years old when fragrant pads hit the shelves of the supermarkets. We all ran out to try this new thing, but very quickly stopped, because if there is one thing for sure – you never wanted to tell the world you were on the blob. And that smell is completely unique. Like the hairspray your grandma used to use!’ For me, that smell is a siren over any woman’s head that she is on the blob, and as far as I know, the majority of women really don’t want everyone else knowing that the painters are in. That’s women’s business. That’s private business. Well for me anyway. But these pads still do exist – last night was proof. So who wears it? Who doesn’t get that EVERYONE around them knows they’ve got their rags? And for me there’s an added thing – it’s such a strong, sickly, sweet smell, it also makes me feel quite nauseous. It probably comes from the fact that fragrance pads are not a happy memory smell. It’s a memory of pain. It’s a memory of horror…. I mean at 12 you’re facing a good 30-plus years of this shite, and that is where the horror comes in. Maybe you didn’t feel this way, because some girls actually loved this growing-up-chain-of-events in their lives. I just thought they were weird and wished I was a boy. So the only conclusion I can draw is this. Women who wear fragranced pads have absolutely no sense of smell. If they did, they’d run as far and as hard away from these sweet little stinkers as they possibly could. Alternatively, they like the smell, and if so, their olfactory senses are not aligned with mine. I mean seriously, who thought that perfuming pads was ever a good idea? AND why the hell do they still exist? Anyone else have a memory of the fragranced pad? Or catch a whiff on public transport today? That’s always a good place for it. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

I woke up yesterday morning to a view of the back of Steve’s head, watching the first game of the Rugby World Cup – Fiji Versus England. Thankfully England won, ‘which means I’ve got a happy hubby. They’ll be playing Australia soon and that will be an interesting match to watch together. However, at that moment the photo was taken, I realized this is my view for the next six weeks. Since then, four more matches have been watched. Only one upset so far – but I can’t tell you who, because it will be a spoiler for those who haven’t had a chance to watch it yet. I appreciate my husband’s need to stay off Facebook right now. I could easily be a moaning, demanding bitch of course, because this stuff is going to consume our lives for the coming weeks, but I won’t, and the reasons: Steve is pretty un-demanding on the sports needs front. He has his sporting passions, but he’s very considerate and often watches games after we all go to bed, so it doesn’t impact family time. He’s a thoughtful guy – in many ways I don’t mind watching a bit of rugby myself. As far as the male form goes, rugby players have the type of body I find desirable, and even though I won’t watch every game, I am happy to view the scrum bums and thighs when I wander past the TV. It’s always been a spunk fest for me The haka – say no more. Love it! Ultimate in sex appeal So I am happy to give Steve as much time as he needs – day or night – to watch his beloved rugby. My challenge now is resisting giving him a hard time about staying up late at night to watch games. He’s a grown boy and can do whatever the hell he wants. Although a moaning, tired husband is not a joy. On another note, we took the boys to the Singapore Grand Prix Friday night – I know lucky kids. But the real news happened the next day. We got them home and in bed around 10pm, AND they didn’t come out of their room until 11am the next morning. That’s right, 11am! In the nine years since becoming a mother, that has never happened. Never ever ever. We couldn’t believe it, but weirdly, both Steve and I were up at 9am. That doesn’t happen on weekends either. Have we hit that cross-over point where parents are awake before the kids? I think I want that, but boy they’ll be pains in the arse to wake up when the school holiday are over in two weeks…. We’ll deal with that when it comes. Getting back to the rugby, did you see the end of the South Africa Vs Japan game? Mate, I was in tears. So exciting. And with that, all I can say is Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi! Go Wallabies. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

We had Lex’s parent teacher interview today. These sessions used to fill Steve and me with dread. Not because we didn’t believe in our little guy, but because we never seemed to be able to get the answers to the questions we always had, like: “how can we help him?” Always our least favorite, because it’s only ever been met with “we seriously just don’t know.” With some rickshaw uncles in Vietnam That’s what happens when your kid doesn’t fit into a specific learning gap or specific need. It also appears to be what happens when no one really understands what the hell is going on with a speech delayed child – for reasons other than autism. But Lex knew. He just wanted the world to give him love AND time to catch up. Not being able to hear properly from the first year of your life – with no one being able to diagnose the issue until you are close to four – well who knows what he missed? We don’t know. We’ve never known. The specialists haven’t known either. The only thing we have known is Lex is smart, a bloody hard worker, insanely curious, he’s got a massive heart, and he’s full of ambition. But he doesn’t like to look silly, and he certainly never likes to be embarrassed. That’s been a big part of helping him how heneeds to be helped, because it’s critical we respect and understand who he is. It’s been a long road and today we went into the session to hear that his lowest score was 82% – for reading fluency. The other scores were 93% for spelling and 91% for maths. Incredible right? I don’t recall the rest of the scores, because all I could think about was at the same time last year, they couldn’t guarantee he’d actually move up a year. He was struggling too much. But they did move him up, and we only found that out during the school concert, at which point Steve and I both burst into tears – bless! Ain’t no mountain high enough I found that really hard. He started school behind, but being in the same year as his younger brother is something I’m happy to live with. He missed out on a lot from a young age, so if staying down a year is the worst that comes from it in the long run, so be it. But being in a year below his younger brother? I struggled with that idea, mainly because of the potential impact on his self-esteem in the later years of school. Alas we didn’t face that and here we were today hearing the most wonderful news. We also have to accept that he’ll probably need to be at that school for another year. While that’s not our preference (nor his, because there are no girls in his class and he’s desperate to kiss the pretty girls) we can do another year. We’ve come this far and it’s good for him right now. The only thing that’s ever mattered is Lex coming out the other side awesome – as we always knew he would. I admire both of my boys so much, but Lex took the cake this week. He’s a rock star today, and I’m just so bloody proud of my little guy. My word he’s earned it. To other parents out there with speech delayed kids, keep the faith in your munchkins. They’ll eventually come good (with a lot of love and patience) and in their own unique way, show the world you were right. It’s not an easy journey, but on days like today, it all feels worthwhile. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

I’m going out on a limb here and speaking on behalf of the mummy sisterhood, but it’s time for it to be said. I need to tell you why mums are averse to sex. It begins with pregnancy. Three things happen during this time – your sex drive stays the same, you become a nymphomaniac, or you are so turned off sex you can think of nothing worse. Blokes can also get turned off too. That’s not good if you go the nympho route. The thing that surprised me is you have no idea which way you’ll go once pregnant. It’s a lottery. But after your bundle of joy arrives that’s when everything REALLY changes. Your pregnancy sex drive (or lack of) becomes a distant memory and you can look back on that time with some perspective. It’s a weird period for your body being pregnant. It’s a weird time for your sex drive too. You put it behind you. You have no choice. Motherhood is a series of moving ons. Then they’re here. If you’re breastfeeding, every 2-4 hours there’s a baby attached to your boob – which means you are completely immobilized during that time. But beyond the boob, they must be held, cradled through the night, they cry for no apparent reason, you’re exhausted, it’s intense, but seriously, that first year is the easiest year. From my experience I felt that while they are relatively immobile, things were good. That’s another thing you appreciate in hindsight. And to those women who worry about their kids not walking before two, as long as there is no issue being confronted about your child’s development – I say “don’t worry about it. Do you know how fucking lucky you are?” My two got mobile at four months (leopard crawling) and by 11/12 months they were running, not walking. I had no idea at the beginning how quickly my peace would be over. In fact, I never had any peace. I’m only starting to get it back now. Once your children are on the move, life becomes chaotic madness. You have children with no logic or sense of danger, and their extreme emotions rule your life. They’re on their feet and on the move every waking hour of the day. The stand on you, hit you (accidentally), bite you (not accidentally), leave toys for you to step on, you trip over your kids, they trip over you, they run to you for cuddles when hurt, cry because they’re tired, and take all of their emotions out on you. That list can go on. So, by the time bedtime comes around, you close your child’s door with relish in your heart and a skip in your step. All you want to do is sit down and not speak. We also celebrated another day our kids survived unscathed (most of the time). Not everyone has to do that, of course, but we did. And at the end of all of that, your husband/partner/significant other/the father of your children gives you a nudge nudge wink wink and all you want to say is “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?” But you can’t of course, no matter how much you want to. Most of the time it’s a case of “love, I’m sorry but not tonight, I just can’t.” But they have their needs too and sometimes you have to say: “sure love, it’s been on my mind all day too, I couldn’t think of anything better right now…” Two things are happening here, I believe. Your subconscious mind is screaming “are you fucking crazy? Don’t you know that sex is what got us into this situation in the first place?” And two, the thought of anyone touching you, needing you, cuddling you, demanding anything from you, is nothing short of revolting. And then time moves on, your kids need you less, they still love a cuddle but are not so physically demanding anymore, and all of a sudden, you look at your husband and give HIMa nudge nudge wink wink. I reckon I’m getting closer to that these days. It’s a bit of a relief I must say. Steve is rather delighted about it too. Anyone else relate to my experience? Am I speaking on behalf of the mummy sisterhood here? Or did you become a raving nymphomaniac after the kids were born? I’d love to know. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea BTW I’m on Twitter here, Google+ here, and Facebook too, if you’re interested in the other stuff I share. Feel free to share my blog if you think anyone else you know will be interested. I sure do appreciate it when you do xxxxx

Yep. Why you ask? So we can meet the Hobby Kids of course! Like duh! Don’t know who they are? Well let me enlighten you.  It’s a family that does: “Fun kid friendly videos on YOUTUBE! We feature popular brands like: Play-Doh, Toys, Legos. We create Stories, Play, Songs, Reviews, Box Openings. HobbyKidsjoin the fun in our videos which helps kids interact and enjoy learning while being entertained.” Steve despises them. Jax adores them. Lex couldn’t give a crap about them. And I find it all a bit bemusing. I’m not as gung-ho about what the kids watch as Steve is, because as long as it’s not violent, foul, cruel, about death or human dismemberment, I don’t really care. I also live in the content/influencer world professionally, and while these children and the Hobby Parents, Hobby Baby, Hobby Pa, etc… are all a bit annoying, it’s hasn’t been created for me. It’s for Jax. And he can’t get enough of them. From a business point of view, this family is onto a winner. They are probably making millions. However, if there is one problem I do have it is how YouTube stars focused on kids are influencing children all around the world to buy more shit toys than they need. But I can’t take this gripe out on the Hobby Family specifically, because there are hordes of people making YouTube videos about toys. Besides, I still believe it’s my responsibility to ensure my boys aren’t spoilt little shits. Not theirs. YouTube stars come from all walks of life these days, and the ones who get the ‘magic’ right and appeal to a targeted audience are a force to be reckoned with. They are also becoming a force brands are starting to appreciate and nurture. That’s why Disney bought Makers Studio. It’s a phenomenal opportunity for brands and people who want to be stars, even if it happens accidentally. Oh and in case you’re looking for someone to beat up, they now “own” Stampylongnose. Yeah another annoying voice that has infested our home… But the boys love him too! With that said, the BEST YouTube star we love and watch with the boys is Grant Thompson – “The King of Random.” Check it out if you don’t know him. Amazeballs. When I think about this stuff, I know this is where entertainment is moving today. It’s not always pretty, it’s not always classy, but most people aren’t doing any harm, and the successful ones are making a decent living at it. When I feel the resistance of people in my age bracket, I can’t help but think the entertainment world we grew up with is going away completely and we are all struggling to wrap our minds around this new model. It kind of feels a bit like the Elvis and Beatles of this generation – you know, that rock ’n ’roll thing will never catch on. We might be thinking the same of YouTube stars…. For me personally, I am pretty ambivalent about the whole thing, and sometimes, if it keeps Jax occupied for 5-10 minutes so I can have a shower in peace, that’s all I need. One thing for sure, if the Hobby Kids go on the road and do a global tour (something that is happening more and more with YouTube stars these days), I know one little guy that will be nagging me for tickets. I hope Steve agrees to take him. Yeah right. No chance. Just so I’m not alone here, let me share the bounty of the Hobby Kids. First up, Hobby Mom with a pretty impressive manicure But there’s some exercise encouragement in there too It’d make Jax’s day if we did this – seriously tempted, but I just can’t do it… not even to delight my mini love. You got the wrong mum in that regard love Suffice to say, my kids would be pulling the same funny faces if that was me speaking in front of a camera….   So now over to you. What shite are your children watching on YouTube today? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

When I hear that question, or that same question in regards to any other animal, bug, sea creature, or extinct animal – including all dinosaurs – mentioned by my little fella Lex, I know I must stop everything I’m doing and give him my full attention, because for as long as I am willing to be his audience, he’s going to teach me everything there is to know about ducks. Lex with a baby chicken in Vietnam I’m going to learn about: what they eat; how they have babies; the different breeds; the different habitats; whether or not they’re predators; and so much more. I have come to appreciate that my mind is going to be blown in these learning interludes and I love them. When Lex decided to start sharing his learnings consistently – which was only a few months back – there were many times when I asked if he was right. He always responded with ‘I think so’ and then we consulted trusty Cortana. One such question was about sharks. Do sharks have babies or lay eggs? I thought they had babies, he thought they laid eggs, on further search, it appeared we were both right. Who knew? Now I do. He then kept speaking about the Sonori Desert (always singing Sonori) and I’m like, are you sure it’s called Sonori mate? You’re not speaking about the Sahara Desert? Nope, always the Sonori. On further investigation, there is a desert in the US called the Sonora Desert. So Lex was right again in his own special way. I’d never heard of it, but looks like a fabulous place if you want to meet a rattle snake – he knows all about them too. Another recent fascination was the Gela Monster – a venomous lizard that lives in the Sanora desert of course. He kept saying Heela Monster and I am searching for it, with a h and not having much luck. Then a link suggestion comes up for Gela Monster. I know all about them now too. Jax was loving it too  To say I’m pretty chuffed with my Lexy is an understatement. This is the lad who’s had a hard time catching up with his speech and getting ahead at school. I’ve always said he needed time and love, because he’s smart as hell, so when I hear him speak now, shite, I get blown away. Enunciation is still an issue, so I’m thinking acting or singing could be the answer? I don’t know. We’re on the final hurdle it feels, but it’s been a long haul let me tell you. Another bonus is it might get Jax to stop watching crappy toy videos. Last week Jax declares: “Lex is really smart mum.” Well of course that got a lot of: so are you mate, you’re super smart, etc, etc, etc… But then I sat down with Jax and said, you know why Lex knows all these things? Because when he’s on YouTube he’s watching Discovery Channel or National Geographic learningabout them. You’re watching videos of spoilt kids getting too many toys. Maybe if you watch things that teach you something you can share your knowledge with us too? This morning, I took Jax to his swim lesson at school and Lex came along for the ride. All the way there, both boys were competing for my attention to share their latest creature learnings. We covered lemmings, barnacles, sea snakes, star fish, slugs, leeches, and so much more. It was awesome. Now they need to learn to give each other a turn when speaking, but we’ll leave that for another day. When you’ve been waiting to see a passion revealed in your child, it’s really awesome when that day comes, don’t you agree? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

It has begun. The sex talks. Crikey, how does one prepare themselves for this? So I’m bathing the boys last night and Lex asks me: “Mum what are my balls for?” Jax thinks this is a pretty good question and perks up considerably… Firstly, I don’t know when balls entered their vocabulary, but it has, and secondly, my word you have to draw a big breath when that question is asked don’t you? “Well boys, when you’re a little bit older and a very big boy, you’ll have tiny tiny tadpoles in your balls.” “What’s a tadpole?” Jax asks. “You know, like baby frogs are tadpoles, you’ll also have tadpoles in your balls. But they’ll be tiny and you won’t be able to see them.” “What are they for mum?” “Well the tadpoles go into the egg, which is in the ladies tummy, and that is how babies are made.” Oh crap, that was useless! But the boys didn’t think so. They thought it was awesome. Lex immediately allocated sexes to his balls – girl babies in this one, boy babies in that one – and then of course, the next question was asked. “But mum, how do my tadpoles get to the egg to make a baby. Does it go in the ladies mouth?” Considering some of the nature documentaries they watch, this is not a bad observation, but obviously, it’s not correct. So I try and explain the process a little more… “Well you see your doodle gets hard, and the tadpoles come out. You put your doodle in the ladies muey and the tadpoles travel to the egg and that is how a baby is made.” This answer wasn’t providing enough clarity. They couldn’t put this concept together. Which is completely natural, because the structure of the muey remains alien to them for now… So I finished with this very fine statement, wishing that Steve could come home right now to help me in this discussion: “listen guys, there is one thing I can promise you. When the time comes, you’re going to enjoy it a lot OK.” “Oh look guys, something shiny.” There endeth the lesson and I know it won’t be my last sex talk. So many things I should’ve said differently. Why did I say tadpoles and not sperm? But tadpole makes more sense right? AHHHHHHH the only thing I care about is they grow up comfortable with sex. I don’t want it to be weird. Fascinating sure, but not weird. I got enough of that shit in my upbringing. So I’ve had my first rehearsal, but may my skit improve. Any advice for those with more experience than I? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea PS: in a few years, my boys will be entering into the deep, dark world of puberty. At that point, I will completely respect their privacy and never, ever blog about private discussions. Right now, they’re working the world out, and I think it’s pretty cool. My ability to share these stories will not last forever, so for now, I’ll enjoy it.