Andrea Edwards

Lex’s 1st Christmas, six weeks old Well today I have officially been a Mum for five years, as we head to the zoo to celebrate our little man’s 5th birthday. I cannot honestly say that these last five years have been easy. The switch from freedom-to-do-whatever-the-hell-I-want to Mother hasn’t been a seamless transition to say the least. Steve asked me the other day, after a particularly strenuous day with our lads, if I ever regret having our kids? No no no I say, then, well, maybe just a little bit. Think of the things we could’ve done if we never had them? But I wouldn’t be without them, I really wouldn’t – life has never been so rich and vital. If you know me, or are a regular withoutthebollocks reader, you’ll know that Lex has been a particularly challenging child, with a lot of people offering opinions and advice along the way. The thing is – I know him, I know his heart and soul, and while it has not been a smooth ride into motherhood, my faith in that child remains undiminished. He has an incredible zest for life and a desire to experience everything this world has to offer him. His ambitions know no bounds. He excels at everything he puts his mind to. And he is a worker – my word when he makes a commitment to achieving something, he bloody gets there. An example of his work ethic is his speech. In recent months, with incredible focus and determination, he is getting there, and we are conversing – hooray!! Who’d have known that since the 12th of November 2006 I’d only now, five years on, be enjoying the ability to communicate with my child? One of the things I’ve learnt in the last five years is that absolutely no one could’ve forewarned me about how hard it is being a parent. No one could ever communicate the extreme challenges, nor could they tell me how truly exhausting it all is. Oh sure, people tried to tell me, but how can you ever really know if you aren’t in the thick of it? But for all of the tough times, the majority is amazingly beautiful, because I think you start to love in a way you never knew you were capable of, and boy do I love my mini-men. Making birthday pancakes this morning with Dad So Lex my love, you drive me absolutely bloody crazy a lot of the time, but I love you so much and I treasure you so dearly. My faith in you will remain unwavering as I do my best to guide you out into this big wide world, where I know you’re going to contribute something really special to our planet and mankind. Happy Birthday sweetheart. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

I had the loveliest morning today. I joined a pretty sizeable gathering of 30+ people, from all corners of the globe, for a group meditation at 11.11am this morning. The last group meditation I did was more than a year ago, so it was great to experience it again. Today means a lot of things to different people. Some were focused on fallen soldiers on this day of Remembrance. Others on the numerological impact and meaning of multiple 11s. Some are focused on the luck that comes with the combined numbers. The Nerds of the world have christened it “Nerd New Year.” And my mate Gary is celebrating his birthday. There’s a lot going on around the world today. The meditation session for me was about universal oneness – which I personally think is a wonderful idea. It was a morning of sharing, remembering, hoping and meeting new people – suffice to say I came out of it energized and hopeful.  My friend Julie, who hosted the gathering, has been looking forward to this day for a long long time, and more than anything, I was really pleased to be there to support her, as she has been on an amazing personal journey these past few years. So thanks Jules, an awesome morning that touched me deeply. And if you’re in to it, remember that today is a day for big wishes to come true, so fling out your greatest desires with all your might, and who knows? It might come true. If you’ve missed 11.11am in your neck of the woods, there is always 11.11pm! So what did you do today? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

I’ve had some interesting discussions with my love of late, as we’ve recognised a difference of opinion – something that doesn’t happen very often. It seems that Steve is still really conscious of other people’s opinions, and this includes complete strangers. When I was younger, I used to care a lot about what people thought of me. People who were in my life at that time might say “what you? No way” – because I was definitely out there in many ways (fashion-sense, “stunning” hair-styles, opinions, etc..) But I did, I was really impacted by what people thought about me. Then one day, probably in my early 20s, I decided enough was enough, and slowly weaned myself away from caring about what others thought of me. I recognised that absolutely no one knew where I was coming from or understood why I believed what I believed, so decided it was time to focus on what I thought of myself as the most important thing. It was a very liberating process to go through and one I think continues to serve me well. It gives me more confidence I suppose – confidence to live the life I want in the way I know is right for me and my family. I also don’t feel the need to justify that to anyone, nor do I feel the need to judge others for the way they choose to live – because how can I know? When I think about it, there are very few people whose opinions matter to me – Steve and my boys will always matter, very close friends or clients who are in my life on a regular basis definitely matter, and probably the people around my boys – such as their teachers. They all matter because they impact my life every day, and therefore, I care what they think. I don’t change who I am because of them, but I am aware of their role in my life. For everyone else, including family and friends, who are not living my life with me every day, I can’t take on their stuff. How can I integrate their opinions of my life into me, when in almost all cases, they have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, how I’m doing it, or even why I make the decisions I make? Families are a special group in this equation, with most taking great delight in expressing opinions about our lives. However, if you live miles apart – physically or psychologically – why structure any aspect of your life taking their opinions into account? Especially if they tend towards the negative? Respect for family is a good thing, but only if it goes both ways. And then complete strangers? I absolutely DO NOT care what they think, because they are strangers and have no impact on my life! If they become friends who I care about, because all of my friends are people I value on many levels, then it changes and I care. I’ve asked a few other people in recent weeks whether or not they care about the opinions of others, and apparently, the majority are impacted by what others think.  So I thought I’d ask my community – do you care or have you torn yourself away from living your life based on the opinions of others? All I know (and believe very deeply for myself) is this: the only thing that matters is how you value yourself, and if you can do that, well that’s awesome and the path to happiness. It’s something I want to teach the boys, but obviously to succeed; I need Steve on board too. I’m wondering if anyone agrees with me or can share their experience of breaking away from the burden of others opinions? Or perhaps you still find yourself caring too much? Let me know? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

I know, I’m a day behind the news, but you know I do have far more important things to be spending my time on than the sheer bollocks of other people’s lives – especially the “K” sisters. The other thing is I just cannot get my head (and therefore my thoughts) around these women, nor understand why anyone bloody cares? I mean every now and again I allow myself to watch reality TV. Ozzy and family was pretty quirky, the Apprentice is great, as is Idol and X Factor, but a bunch of women, sitting around talking shite while bleaching their anuses? I just DON’T get it. Voyeurism and celebrity is a mainstay in our lives – I enjoy it, we all enjoy it – and some celebrities are actually doing phenomenal things in the world, or better yet, STAYING QUIET – which is usually my preference. But these girls??? Can someone PLEASE tell me what all the fuss is about? Is it because they’re so bad everyone loves them? Is it the ability to get a bird’s eye view into a glamorous and unreachable world? Is it their looks? Is it the “Days of our Livesness” of their lives that people can’t get enough of? Is it the migrant success story? What is it? Or has the intellectual level of the world reached such a low point – because we’re all eating too many preservatives, additives and genetically modified food – and because of this, we’ve all been stupefied enough to actually find these women interesting? Is that it? I am confused, bewildered, and not even mildly entertained by the life and times of these sisters. And yet they earn $70 million a year for this bollocks? I mean who gets $25K from Armani for one Tweet? And more importantly, does Armani see these girls as good brand ambassadors? All I know is I obviously chose the wrong profession. I don’t know, I really don’t and I’d be very happy to have my mind changed, or my view redirected, but so far, I just find them bloody ridiculous. Can anyone help me look at these ladies in another way? Because I have to say, the obsession for them does take away a little bit of my hope in humanity. It’s important that I’m clear on something here. I don’t hold anything against these sisters for doing what they’re doing or how they’re making money – good on them. I just don’t understand why they are successful, nor do I see them as positive role models for women or Americans. Looking for clarity…. and expecting to be looking for a long time, but do me a favour and write down the first three words that spring to mind in the comment box below when thinking about the Kardashians? That should be interesting. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea PS: Kim, do yourself a big bloody favour and donate $10 million to a great and worthy cause – maybe you’ll help your credibility a little… But then maybe you don’t give a crap, and if so, fair enough. PPS: here’s a good article by Alissa Warren from Australia, posted on Mamamiatoday – but I still don’t understand….

I was reading this blog by I, Cringely and it’s quite different to his normal IT industry commentary. He’s talking about the future for his kids and the opportunities they may or may not have professionally, based on where things are headed – something most parents wonder or worry about in some context today – right? Additionally, with the world hitting seven billion people yesterday, I’m sure this stuff is more top of mind for most. Many friends have expressed huge concerns for their kids’ futures, and in Asia, it seems to be a hotter topic of conversation. The main reason for this obviously has to do with the sheer number of people in this part of the world – more than 60% of the world’s population – but in these parts, education is also a massive thing. Competition for universities is unbelievable, and with approximately four billion people, that’s a lot of educated professionals entering the workforce! People round these parts are also very very smart – mind boggling so – something the Western world should definitely be taking heed of. But there is one thing that gives me solace. We’re all so bloody different, we all bring such different qualities to the professional table and we all view things in such different ways – and it is this that reassures me it’s going to be alright. Our kids are going to be much more advanced than us, and I reckon they’re going to move beyond ignorance and separation, realising it is the mish-mash of humanity that makes our world so great. I definitely believe the future will be about the richness and creativity that comes out of our differences and our kids will harness this to create a world we can’t even imagine today. I definitely know our kids are going to do something amazing, something we can’t even comprehend. I mean look at where they are now? How many will never know a world before the iPad? In fact, some won’t even know what a remote control is when voice activated TV takes off. Shit, dildos will probably be voice activated – or maybe they already are? Technology is a huge part of their world, but it won’t dominate their world because human beings are essentially social and creative, so this fear around digital doesn’t sit with me. Then again, us humans have always feared change and the unknown. I also reckon our kids are going to change the current war and aggression mentality. They’re going to grow up and realise it doesn’t have to be this way. It’s not like it’s ever worked anyway. I think recent generations have made big progress here, but it is the generations coming through now that will really finish this job and move our world towards peace. I really do believe that! Our kids will also sort out the environment, because they’ll have a bigger picture view of the world. They’ll also sort out corporate and media brainwashing, get food back to its natural state, move our world beyond the destruction of organised religion, and so much more. They’ll do it because they’re smarter than us, just like most of us are smarter than our parents. It’s definitely not all doom and gloom from where I’m sitting and I’ve obviously got a lot of faith in our kids. As you can probably tell, I’m not worried for my boys. They’re going to speak English and Mandarin (and Hindi if I can manage it), they’re going to know and be friends with people from all races and cultures (they already are – an advantage of living in this multi-cultural society), they’re going to learn to dance, sing and hopefully play musical instruments, they’ll have a love of reading because we do, we’ll encourage them to be creative and imaginative, we’ll take them to far off lands so they can see this magnificent world in all its glory, they’ll have us as parents and we hope we do a good enough job for them, but most importantly, in the end, they’ll identify something within them that they want to do with their lives, and it’ll be a perfect match for who they are. And if they’re out of work for a while, they’ll always be welcome home to sort it out and get some extra love. Whatever it is they decide to do they’ll be alright I reckon, we’ve just got to arm them in every way we can – confidence, emotional maturity, skills, education, awareness, life experience, an ability to question, curiosity, sensitivity, acceptance, and so much more – to prepare them for whatever future they want. That’s how I reckon it’s going to be – what do you think? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

I just had a couple of charming moments only a parent could know, and thought I’d quickly jot them down and share. Two additions to the things I hate most about parenting are: 1.       Sitting in your child’s pooh dust. Now Lex is quite advanced in this area and recently stopped requiring assistance, but naturally, as has always been the case with my children at 15 months apart, Jax started up the “assistance needing” when Lex stopped. I sat through a good 30 minute pooh dust session tonight, gagging all the way 2.      When children have colds, snot becomes the order of the day. We all have things that make us squirm and snot is mine. I have become quite immune to it since becoming a mother, however what bliss tonight when Jax decided to wipe his nose on my leg…. Ugh! But there was a golden moment, my two-mini lads counting to 10 in Mandarin – bless ‘em! Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Meeting Nathalix off the train A little while ago I read an article suggesting that women who don’t spend enough time with great female friends, don’t live as long as those who do. Apparently men don’t “need” friendship nourishment, but women do. So it got me thinking, as the past few years have left me pretty isolated from the great friends in my life, and this has all happened at probably the worst time to be isolated – aka the early years of motherhood. I’ve always felt very fortunate to have made amazing friends all around the world, everywhere I’ve lived (except maybe Phuket?) and two of the pivotal friendships I made in London were with Saskia and Nathalie. We have been in each other’s lives since 1996, and were always there for each other when things were good or bad, we were witnesses/bridesmaids/special people at each other’s weddings, have holidayed together in gorgeous places, and so much more. It is a friendship I’ve always treasured and I absolutely want it to stand the test of time, but that’s not always easy when everyone is spread across different countries, time zones and leading busy lives. After seven years of not seeing each other face-to-face, I decided enough was enough – I was gunna surprise Saskia for her 40th b’day. And you know what, surprise her I did. I was very impressed with her husband Eylard for not letting the cat out of the bag, and it was really hilarious seeing her reaction – I don’t think she could quite believe her eyes for the first few hours. Ellen’s beautiful home Nathalix arrived from Paris the next day and apart from the birthday obligations and party (which was a FABULOUS dinner party for 13 with Sas’s favourite women!) we talked and talked and talked. Eylard’s magnificent mother Ellen said you girls never stop talking. And Saskia said yes, but we also listen too. It’s an amazing talent us women have, how we can talk and listen at the same time, don’t you think? So much has happened for all of us in the last seven years, and for me in particular, it was so nice to be listened to and given some perspective that helped me look at my life in a slightly different way. I needed that. I missed my boys while I was away, I felt terrible leaving Steve to handle our little loves all alone for seven days, but I have come home refreshed and looking at life with different eyes. I just got some perspective on my thinking that I could never get when I am living in the middle of life. And for that I am thankful to Sas and Nathalix, Eylard and Ellen, and Steve. Eylard the chef, his mum bought the apron I’m also really thankful for the love and warmth I got in Holland – I have family there you know. The Wurpels are amazing people who open their homes and hearts to you, and I know they will always be there to back and support me, no matter what. And I’ve got another family in Paris too! How lucky am I? You just don’t make those kinds of friendships everyday and that is the reason I went – I want to keep this friendship alive and still be talking (and listening) with these girls when we’re all old crones. Although Nathalix and Saskia will never be old crones! Yours, without the bollocks Andrix PS: Andrix and Nathalix comes from a shared love of Asterix – she is French afterall. Saskia got Saskium, but she never dug Asterix as much as we did, so it never stuck.

I’ve arrived in Amsterdam and after seven years, it’s been wonderful catching up on life with Saskia and Eylard. No idea where seven years went? But to get here, I had to endure 13 hours in economy class at the back of a plane. One of the challenges about flying to Europe from Singapore is a lot of people are journeying on from the Antipodes, which means a great number of passengers have already been on the road 10+ hours and the stench is palpable. But the main challenge is being surrounded by a bunch of people with plane food already in their guts, which adds another dimension – plane farts! My God I was gagging! Hideous stuff. But there was one great thing. I got to watch three movies! I haven’t been able to enjoy many movies since two mini-men came into my life, so it was absolute luxury. First was “Bad Teacher” starring Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake, and I have to say, what a bloody funny movie. Superb comedy and definitely have a look if you get a chance. Second was a quirky little British movie called “Submarine,” the story of a teenage boy who wants to lose his virginity and stop his Mum having an affair with a new age spiritual type with a mullet. An incredibly clever movie, full of fantastic characters, and Noah Taylor plays the dorky Dad to perfection. It’s awkward and witty and brilliant. Check it out. I almost finished X-Men as well – but I missed Hugh. But now, having recovered from my flight and not feeling too bad after excessive wine consumption last night, I’m off for a day of fine Dutch weather and fun with the birthday girl. It’s so lovely being back in Europe and hanging out with Sas really is soup for the soul. There’s nothing better than great friends in life. So Happy 40th my friend – thrilled to be able to share it with you. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea PS: I miss my three boys…. a week feels such a long time away

Well after much torment – because when I make a commitment to do something, I do it – I have decided not to pursue my teams of International Spunks and International Ugly Bastards (or Those with Nice Personalities,) in the way I originally set out. Taking my lead from you, my precious readers, it just hasn’t generated enough interest. When I write about the shite in my life, I get lots of support and comments, which is very much appreciated. When I explore my head from a religion/spirituality perspective, it seems to resonate with many. When I write book reviews, it gets a bit of interest from friends equally voracious about their reading materials. When I write about vaginas or anuses, well, those blogs are still being read and regularly popping up in searches!!! So I reckon I’ll throw in the towel on this project now, because it is a shitload of effort compiling this information, and if it ain’t going to get read and no one’s going to vote, I’ll just be heartbroken. Naturally, I will continue to compile my teams in my head, because it really does make rugby so much more enjoyable. It also doesn’t help that I am a mother, and the father in this equation is much more of a rugby head than I, so it is only fair that every four years I make it possible for him to watch as much rugby as possible – thus taking on child responsibilitys reduces perving opportunities significantly. The things we do for love? But I do not mind. Steve has always shared the parenting load. Here is a compilation of photos that I believe represents why I love this game. Men in all their muscular glory has always been my thing. If you’re interested, my International Team of Spunks is below, and I’ve made it possible for you to go and check them out, although I don’t think they look as great in these pictures as they do when they play. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea My absolute favourite spunk – Alesana Tuilagi – Samoa My second favourite spunk – Ma’a Nonu – NZ Victor Matfield – Sth Africa Morné Steyn – Sth Africa Mike Phillips – Wales Jamie Roberts – Wales Joe Ansbro – Scotland Ally Strokosch – Scotland Richie McCaw – NZ Dan Carter – NZ – definitely think he’s gotten better with age. Was too pretty for me before  Saia Faingaa – Aus – his brother doesn’t have the lovely locks Nathan Sharpe – Aus – I just love him, a true gentleman of the game AdamAshley-Cooper – Aus David Pocock – Aus Quade Cooper – Aus – he’s got something, although he’d pull his finger out of his arse this weekend! Alisi Tupuailai – Japan Toetuu Taufa – Japan Bryce Robins – Japan Brian O’Driscoll – Ireland Cian Healy – Ireland – huge fan of his thighs Tasesa Lavea – Samoa AnthonyPerenise – Samoa Maurie Faasavalu – Samoa Ofisa Treviranus – Samoa GeorgePisi – Samoa Manaia Salavea – Samoa Pat Danahy – USA ScottLaValla – USA Todd Clever – USA Alexander Voytov – Russia Andrey Ostrikov – Russia AlexeyMakovetskiy – Russia Nick Easter – England Shontayne Hape, England – Shontayne? Courtney Lawes – England, although who calls a son Courtney? James Haskell – England Fulgence Ouedraogo – France Romain Millo-Chluski – France Albert James Vulivuli – Fiji Sakiusa Matadigo – Fiji Felipe Contepomi – Argentina And last, but not least, because I just love him, Piri Weepu gets on my team Overall spunkiest team – Samoa. And best ears I think has to go to Danie Rossouw of Sth Africa. Here’s a selection of Danie Rossouw pictures to give you an idea. He is closely followed by Simon Shaw of England. PS: to the teams missed, my apologies. I couldn’t get you all!

In July 2010 we got some news that shook our world. For the first six months of that year, Lex was being physically and verbally abused by his teacher at his pre-school in Australia. As far as we know, the abuse included hitting, kicking, throwing shoes at him, putting tape over his mouth, making him sleep outside in the sun, kicking sand at him, and more. We’ve never gotten to the bottom of what actually happened, because everyone zipped up in an effort to protect themselves – the school was in the process of being sold, so everyone was “gagged” and threatened with losing their jobs if the sale got screwed up. There was one exception, Amanda, the lady who was brave enough to report it and went through a lot of shit because she stood up – including losing her job. As far as we know, the government department responsible has done nothing, the police thought it was no big deal, and the teacher is still teaching. It was one of the main reasons we left Australia. Two cheeky boys We obviously went through a shocking time coming to terms with it. As I was the primary school ‘dropper-off-erer,’ I beat myself up for a long time because I didn’t see any resistance from Lex going into school. Did I miss something? Then I wondered is it because he thinks that’s how things are? That’s how you get treated in the world? It was a confusing, heart-breaking, and very tough time for all of us to get through. Coming back to Singapore really gave us a chance to move on from that time. I know people deal with a lot worse, but that was pretty rock bottom for us. Our beautiful little lad had been hurt by someone and we couldn’t do anything about it. Sure we could’ve gone legal, but I drew the line at that – mainly because I really do believe it is a process that screws you up more than anything else – it’s ugly and no one wins in the end. I also couldn’t rely on witnesses, because many of them had witnessed this abuse towards other children for the past seven years without saying anything, so why would they stand up and speak now? My trust in this community was long gone. So we decided we needed to move on and focus on giving Lex the best life we could. We wanted to show him that the world is a gentle place and that he is loved beyond measure. We work hard to reassure him every day, but are we doing enough? Yesterday we got called into the school. For the past couple of weeks, Lex has been very physical with the teachers and they’ve had enough. One of the reasons right now is that his efforts to speak are creating frustration, but also embarrassment. However, we know that the deep reason is linked back to the abuse. A child psychiatrist said we can expect a recurrence of bad behaviour until he is about six or seven years old, and the main challenge will be an inability to trust outside the home. We know he hasn’t recovered from it, but in many ways, we don’t know what to do about it, other than what we are already doing. Hey we’re just parents trying to do the best for our lads, but we’re not kid experts. Yesterday his gorgeous teacher said “it’s like he’s constantly pushing us, testing us, asking us to prove to him that we do love and care about him.” Then she said something that really shook me – “it’s like he hasn’t got any self worth.” You know our biggest priority in raising our kids is to help them be confident. We think this is the most important asset a human being can have. And here we are with a little lad struggling with his own self worth. That perspective really made so much sense to me. Of course it’s about self worth. Why wouldn’t it be? During a pivotal time in his life, when he couldn’t hear properly or speak, he felt unsafe outside his family unit… I try not to get angry about what happened – I think it is pointless – but man oh man, sometimes I wish I could….! But none of it matters now, all that matters is I/we do all we can to help Lex fully love and value himself, and so the next round of finding the right specialists begins…. It’s certainly stirred up a lot of emotions this week though. Bloody kids I tell ya!! Yours, without the bollocks Andrea