April 2011

A friend, who’s a bit of a spiritual, hippy, mother-earth type (hi Erica) pushed me towards a Website that delivers emails five days a week to help you become a better parent. Anyone who has been reading my blog knows that my boys do have a tendency to drive me NUTS, so I subscribed and it’s fantastic – it really can change my whole day. I’ve cut and pasted a few of the recent ones I liked, and if you like it, you can go to Enjoy Parenting and subscribe. I rarely get things in my inbox that I look forward to and this email has quickly become a favourite of my day. It’s short, easy to digest and well, it can change my mood for an entire day. So as the love was shared with me, it behoves me to pass it on. Hope you enjoy it. Hopefully I’ve done enough attributions to have not broken any copywrite laws… Excerpts from THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle “I’d Rather Feel Good!” “We’ve been conditioned by the agents of our culture — parents, teachers, the media, etc. — to believe that our success and happiness depend on being “right.” “Today, let’s question that… “When you argue with your child, you may be “right,” but do you feel happy? “When you criticize your partner, you may be “right,” but do you feel love? “When you berate yourself for making a mistake, you get to be “right” about your wrongness! Are we having fun yet??? “If you feel stress today — even mild tension – ask yourself if you’re trying to be “right” about something, and consider the potential relief of simply letting it go. “Just breathe… and tell yourself, “I’d rather feel good than be right!” Copyright (c) 2011 by Scott Noelle A good reminder huh? “Unadulterated Fun “When parents take their jobs too seriously, they cease to appreciate their children’s childlike innocence. They start to care more about being right than having fun. They think they’re being “adult,” but really they’re being “adulterated.” 🙂 “Childlike” is not the same as “childish,” which is when a child behaves like a caricature of an adulterated adult. Childlike adults seek unadulterated fun: responsible but light-hearted and playful. “Today, let your child’s commitment to fun inspire you to relax and be more childlike. And when you’re tempted to take parenting too seriously – to “adulterate” — just tell yourself, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” ;-)” Copyright (c) 2011 by Scott Noelle I think this is a favourite. I hate being too bloody serious all the time! “Boycott That Thought! “Conscientious parents often boycott companies whose products and practices undermine children’s well-being. Today, let’s play with the idea of boycotting *thoughts* that undermine your parenting vision. “The human mind is like a marketplace of thoughts, and *attention* is the currency with which you “buy into” a thought… or not. You boycott a thought by paying no attention to it — by focusing on a better, more empowering thought instead. “A conventional boycott is only effective if large numbers of consumers participate. But there’s only ONE consumer in your thought market: YOU. So when you boycott a thought, that thought’s “market share” goes to zero percent and it goes “out of business.” “When you feel bad about your parenting or your child, it means you’re buying into some negative thought or perspective. For example, a thought like “I suck as a parent” closes your heart and undermines your creativity, so… “BOYCOTT THAT THOUGHT! “…and give your attention to encouraging thoughts like “I don’t have to be perfect… My parenting is gradually improving… I’m finding my way.” Copyright (c) 2011 by Scott Noelle Good huh? Obviously I like it. But if it resonates with you, check it out. I’ve really found it can change my whole mood for a day, which means I’m calmer, more accepting, and more loving to my wee lads. It’s definitely made a difference, and pretty quickly to boot. Right, time to log off and start enjoying “The Wedding” build up. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Please help me because I’m not feeling very “in the know” these days! I’ve been having an ongoing disagreement with Steve about the meaning of LoL and I actually think he’s right. I don’t have an issue with him being right BTW (which means “by the way”) I’m just at the point where I’d really like to know so I can use it confidently, and it’d also be good to understand if anyone else is a little bewildered by all the online “speak” doing the rounds these days? So LoL – is it “Laugh out Loud” or “Lots of Love?” The problem is, in 95 percent of cases both work, but in the other five percent of cases, I have to admit that laugh out loud wins. So now I’m wondering if my beloved husband is right… Does anyone know? And are there any other sweet little acronyms that have gotten you confused? I do worry that future generations are not only going to write in this language, but speak in it as well! In the meantime, LoL… and I mean lots of love! Yours, WTBAndrea

One day, if my boys are curious lads, they’re going to ask: “Mum, why do we have the Easter Bunny because bunnies don’t lay eggs?” And I’ll say you’re right, let’s go and do a bit of research into that, OR I’ll get the basis of an answer together today and share it with my friends online, then my boys will think I’m really clever and maybe someone out there might think so too. Let me start by asking – how many times have you wondered but just not bothered to find out why Easter is symbolised by a big fluffy bunny and eggs? I have loads of times but this Easter, I decided it was time to know the “truth.” Essentially I’ve always known it’s a Pagan ritual of some description, celebrating new life, Spring, etc.. but I can’t admit to truly “knowing” what it’s all about, so here goes… Growing up in a Catholic family, Easter was good from a chocolate perspective, bad from a Church perspective. It was always the longest mass of the year without the fun (you know, it was about the crucifixion after all,) and there were other aspects to it, like fasting! We did get to have fish and chips on a Friday though and Shrove Tuesday was always a goodie. For some, it’s the only time of year they get to gorge on pancakes – take Steve’s family as an example. Throughout my childhood, there was a lot of ritual around Easter and extra masses (ugh,) and while at the time it was exciting, it’s certainly not something I’ll subject my children to. It’s important to note that I am still undecided on what rituals to introduce into my son’s lives – because I do believe that some rituals can be good. Currently I’m considering giving them exposure to every religion (so friends of other faiths, invite us along, we will come) and then they can decide what they want to do when they’re old enough. We shall see. But I digress. According to www.who2.com “the Easter Bunny is a jaunty symbol of the annual Christian holiday of Easter. (Easter marks the day that Jesus of Nazareth is believed to have risen from the grave after his crucifixion.) According to tradition, the Easter Bunny makes his visit every year, scattering brightly-colored eggs as he goes. The origins of the Easter Bunny aren’t clear; the first recorded references to him (as “Oschter Haws”) are generally agreed to have come from Germany in the 1500s. In ancient times the rabbit was a symbol of fertility, equated with springtime and renewal of life, and the hare was also associated with the moon, whose cycles determine the precise date of Easter each year. Over time these traditions presumably merged with the annual celebration of Easter itself, and now the Easter Bunny is associated with Easter in much the same way that Santa Claus is the secular symbol of Christmas.” So we can thank the Germans for the tradition of Easter eggs, especially the ones who moved to North America, because that ensured commercialisation, globalisation and sugar rushes for Christian children around the world yesterday. Some key facts I picked up thanks to Wikipedia include: The first mention of the Easter Bunny was Georg Franck von Frankenau’s De ovis paschalibus referring to an Alsace tradition of an Easter Hare bringing Easter Eggs The first edible Easter Eggs were made in Germany during the early 19th century and were made of pastry and sugar – chocolate was a good evolution Eggs, like rabbits and hares, are fertility symbols of antiquity. Since birds lay eggs and rabbits and hares give birth to large litters in the early spring, these became symbols of the rising fertility of the earth at the Vernal Equinox Rabbits and hares are both prolific breeders as we all know – we’ve all heard the saying…. BUT check this out – females can conceive a second litter of offspring while still pregnant with the first – YIKES!! This phenomenon is known as supertfetation The precise origin of the ancient custom of colouring eggs is not known, although evidently the blooming of many flowers in spring coincides with the use of the fertility symbol of eggs—and eggs boiled with some flowers change their colour, bringing the spring into the homes Eggs were forbidden to Catholics during the fast of Lent, which was the reason for the abundance of eggs at Easter time It doesn’t take a lot of smarts to see that like Christmas, we have full moons, Equinox, fertility, new life, Spring, etc… all in the mix, so when I looked deeper another answer cropped up on http://www.chacha.com – “Easter originally was a pagan celebration worshiping the goddess of fertility and springtime Estre, her symbol was the rabbit.” Get it Estre / Easter? She was the Anglo-Saxon Goddess of Spring and she had a festival every year at Vernal Equinox. Yes, as with most things pre-Christian, the Catholic Church did such a good job of “covering up” yet utilizing existing traditions, with a major focus on “killing off” the Goddesses, we got to the point that most of us aren’t even aware of them anymore. It’s weird, we now “celebrate” the brutal crucifixion of a man, the Son of God no less, yet the history of the celebration is about new life and a female goddess. I just have to ask, how the hell did they come up with the alternative story, and how the hell did they “sell” it so successfully? I mean they didn’t even have Facebook and Twitter back then…. And let’s face it, the newer version isn’t exactly a bedtime story…. So what am I going to teach my sons? I think we might dance on the grass, celebrate the new moon and pay homage to Estre. They’ll grow up thinking their Mum is a weirdo, but I’m OK with that. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea PS: to my Christian friends –

Royal Wedding season is in full swing. The protesters are petitioning for the right to protest, the Union Jack flags are up, the street parties are being organised, we haven’t seen Kate’s dress yet (but the excitement is mounting,) and the cynicism is flying around thick and fast. Every Pom I speak with tells me it’s all bullshit and they couldn’t think of anything worse, but I know they’ll all be secretly watching and loving it. The womenfolk will be fawning over pictures of “the frock” for months to come and we’ll know every detail, including how many silk worms went into creation of said frock. The designer of the dress will be set for life. Hey it’s a spectacle. It’s about princes and princesses. It’s about fantasy. Whether you like it or not, people LOVE royal weddings and as this is William – the beloved, handsome and most similar son of the ‘Princess of Hearts’ – it’s going to be huge. Not to mention the UK could do with a bit of a morale boost right now, and royal weddings involving heirs to the throne usually achieve that. Also William’s got to get married soon, otherwise his hair will be gone and he won’t make such a handsome groom. Not that I think bald men are ugly of course, I have married one and I think he’s delicious. Many people reading this might not remember Charles and Diana’s wedding, or maybe weren’t even born yet? Yikes. But I remember it. I was 11 and for this wee lass growing up in Wodonga, a country town in Victoria, Australia, it was an incredibly exciting and romantic time. We were even allowed to stay up late to watch it and the moment Diana got out of her carriage to reveal the much anticipated gown – well it was certainly an “ahhhhh” moment. We talked about it for months… I suppose we all fell in love with the whole idea of it… I soon got over that though and rejected all things traditional when my time for wedded bliss arrived. Cosmos and sarongs were more my style. Not a “Muriel” moment was witnessed. But Australians were enamoured with Diana and that fascination didn’t really waver over the years – especially where I grew up. Diana had a sister living on a farm in our area for a time, so they always came through Albury airport to visit. It was very exciting and Albury Wodonga made global front page news when William took his first steps in our community. We all felt bonded to them just a little bit because of that. Considering all of the shit and horribleness that dogged Diana since that day, I have no idea why Kate would “choose” to become a part of the British Royal Family. I mean this girl is never going to know a moment’s peace. Everything she does, every gown she wears, the jewellery, the pensive looks, the charity projects, every minute mistake and faux pas… it will be scrutinized, scrutinized and scrutinized again. Not to mention the comparisons to Di? But then she seems to be getting along pretty well so far and the press have certainly been kinder to her, so let’s see how she goes? Maybe the press learnt their lesson? I can’t imagine anyone wanting this life, but she’s decided she does and good luck to her and William. They’re a part of our lives now, whether we buy the gossip mags or not. I wonder what path they’ll follow – boring? Exciting? Adding a bit of sauce into our lives? We shall see. So are we going to participate? Well Steve and I are thinking of buying tickets to a royal gala dinner being held at the British Club here in Singapore. We haven’t got the tickets yet, and it certainly might be too late (only one table left,) but we reckon it could be a hoot. We definitely need to get onto that because it could certainly be a memorable night AND you get a free souvenir cup, featuring the happy couple, to mark the occasion. Bargain. Anyone want to join us if tickets still available? What are you going to do? Are you a derider that will watch it secretly? Or are you open about your love of such occasions? And please, don’t be telling me you won’t watch it, because you will – everyone with a TV will. It is going to clog up the airwaves for a few days – none can escape. I’ll watch it, unless of course the current movie of choice in our house, Ice Age 3, wins the TV wars. The only thing I know for sure. Watching a royal wedding through the eyes of an 11 years old girl, versus the eyes of my unspecified current age will certainly make it less fantastical. I’ll make the most of it I’m sure. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I was down on Arab Street in Singapore the other morning, arriving before 10am when the shops were just starting to open. It’s great watching a city come to life isn’t it? I love Arab Street. It’s a curious collection of shops and people and smells and sights – definitely worth a wander whenever you visit this town. Anyhoo, I went down because I wanted to buy Steve some prayer beads for his birthday. Steve often speaks of his time in Yemen, working for an oil company out in the desert, always with some prayer beads to hand. He found them very soothing and wishes he’d kept them. Most of the shops were still setting up when I arrived, but I walked around a corner and there was this tiny stall selling a bunch of Muslim accoutrements, but most importantly, they had prayer beads. I asked the lady if they had anything finer, and she asked her Dad to give us a hand. So this lovely, smiley, gorgeous old man comes along and hands me a set of beautiful and delicate wooden “worry” beads, and that was it, I had what I’d come for. My mission was achieved with time to spare. But the magic was in the moment. The daughter was really delightful, but the old man was adorable. He asked me where I was from, expecting me to be a tourist, and then I asked him. He was originally from Indonesia. How long have you been in Singapore? Me almost seven years, him 55 years. Wow 55 years. You were here before independence? Can you imagine the changes he has seen? It was nothing, really, just two people having a chat, but the whole experience was delightful. I walked away from the experience feeling happy. It actually made me feel happier all day – funny that. Kindness is definitely a free and powerful gift. A mate of mine from my childhood (Melissa) posted up a happy experience she had the other day on Facebook – she walked past a building site in Australia and the workers said “hey, show us your tits” – as they do – so she lifted her shirt. They were ecstatic and it made her smile all day. See it’s all in the giving right? Slightly different, but it made us both smile. I truly wish all human interactions between races/cultures/religions could be like that – happy, light and free. I’ve been in parts of the world, Indonesia included, where I’ve been called an American whore, or hissed at, or jeered at – and it’s all because I’m being linked to some bigger political bullshit that I want nothing to do with. I have found it extremely disturbing on occasions and sad on others, because the people doing the hissing and the jeering are as brainwashed and ignorant as the ones leading the charge. I hate this aspect of life today. There are places you cannot go without risk to your life because you are white. Being white links you to everything bad that the “West” is involved in today. It doesn’t matter that you do not agree with any of it – your face and your hair colour is enough for you to know you’re not welcome. It’s like we’re all being punished for the ignorance of our leaders… and I just want to explore this beautiful world. It pisses me off. I hope this hatred doesn’t get any worse (even though it has been getting worse since I started my travels 20 years ago) because if we can all meet people from other cultures and races, if we can start trying to understand where we’re all coming from by talking and listening to each other, and if we can try not to judge others for their values especially as we often don’t understand them anyway – well we’ve got an opportunity to heal and move forward in a happier way right? We constantly see it in the movies – the world is faced with annihilation, so we all come together and pray. Do we have to wait for that day? Can’t we just work at doing it now? I don’t liked getting hissed at and I’m certainly not an American whore. When I was called that, I didn’t even defend myself and say hey, I’m not even American, let alone a whore! Why? Because an American woman wouldn’t have deserved it either. The person who said this didn’t know, because he’s never sat down with an American woman and asked her what her life is all about, and she hasn’t done that with him either. Communication and listening both ways… that’s what it’s all about right? Are we ever going to learn? Because it’s so great when we do. I’ve found people from different backgrounds have mind-blowing perspectives on life, the sort that shift the earth beneath you when you hear them. I love having friends from all corners of the globe with different ways of looking at life – it truly has made my life richer and more interesting. So please, never be racist to me. I hate racism, in all its forms. I hate how people bunch a whole group of people up and describe them as one negative thing collectively. I hate how people listen to other people who’ve never been exposed to other races and take on their views. I hate seeing great people being hurt by racism. I hate what racism does to people – it makes them uglier inside and closes them off to new opportunities. Racism has no place in our world. It limits everyone it touches. It hurts too many people. It serves no purpose, other than encouraging ignorance. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone looked for the beauty within a person, no matter where they were from, how much money they had or what they looked like? That’s a world I want to see and I remain ever hopeful. In the meantime,

I did my American Idol predictions a few weeks back, because it’s important to put one’s stake in the ground, but I am obviously either shit at it, or in a different world to the demographics voting on that show. Now I wasn’t upset about Pia going. There is no question this girl is phenomenal and will be joining the gang of three (Whitney, Mariah and Celine), but I was getting a bit bored with the ballads and the stilted performances every week. I also think she was too “perfect” for the American public and that’s what got her voted off. She’ll be right though – Pia is heading for mega-star land – no question. Naima, an early favourite of mine, had a rough start, but once she got her hearing sorted (thanks to Mark Anthony I reckon) she was awesome and entertaining. I think she just got too cool for school with her reggae song, and while I thought wow, I can see her music becoming the future choice for backpacker hang outs all over the world, as Bob Marley is now, the voting public obviously couldn’t see that. I really wonder how powerful the tween vote is over there? Would love to see the demographics. Thia and Ashton were understandable vote offs. Thia has a future tho – she’s 15 and what a voice! Karen Rodriguez was a shame, mainly because I don’t think she managed her music choices that well, but I hope she releases a record – a Latino superstar of the future I reckon. So now we have two girls left – Lauren and Haley. I think they’re both tops and while Lauren is still young, she has an amazing voice and I’m sure she’s picking up the votes, young and old. Haley might struggle after last night as the only one criticised, but I dig her raspy voice – that is how I love my women to sing. I hope she stays. The women certainly need to be represented, but at this point, Lauren’s got the best chance. Like JLo, I am very concerned by the lack of support for female contestants. Come on America. We’re going to start thinking you’re women haters in the rest of the world! So who’s going tonight? For me it’s Jakob or Stefano. Both sensational singers with immense talent, but I’m a bit bored with Jakob (like I was with Pia) and Stefano remains a bit wanky as a performer for my liking. But that’s just me. I’m sure the little girls voting out there love him. Scotty is sweet as they come, but not sure how much further he can go – but then who knows? Casey blew me away last night – I LOVED him but Steve thought it was crap. Will that hurt him? People who didn’t get the jazz vibe? We shall soon see. And James doing heavy metal – ROCK ON! It was awesome and fantastic to see on the Idol stage – I’ve definitely got a slight penchant for heavy metal I must admit. Finally there is Paul with that gorgeous smile, funky suits and sexy voice – my cup of tea and I’ll definitely buy his music one day. In fact, I can see myself buying Naima, Paul, Casey and Haley – all very much my style, but will any of them make it to the end? All I know is this season of American Idol is magnificent – really really. But I can’t vote, and of my top four only three remain – so I’d better go and watch the results to see if I’ve lost anyone on my list. Oh wait, has anyone else had enough of the studio mentor stuff with Jimmy and the crew? I want the guests back – Harry Connick Jr. and co. With that said, I do appreciate that this change to Idol might be the trick that’s making the show more sensational this year – contestants getting that real and consistent professional advice – but the guest superstars really did add some sizzle to the show – I miss it. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea PS: appreciate that there’s a lot of awesomes and magnificents and sensationals in this blog, but it really is a magical year on Idol, so I don’t apologise for that!

A couple of nights ago I said to Noemi, our maid, that if she wasn’t happy working with us (because the boys are extremely demanding right now,) that she needed to tell us and we’d do everything we could to help her find a new employer. This was on the back of two weeks of school holidays and during that time; the boys ran absolute rings around her. She just hasn’t been able to work out how to “control” them and while she was never alone with them, she’s really struggled finding her way. We were starting to get a little concerned, because we need someone who can really help out with the lads when we work, so the other night I decided to give Noemi the opportunity to decide if this is what she wanted. She’s decided it isn’t. Noemi is a very sweet, gentle and lovely lady, however our boys are rambunctious, adventurous and determined, so it’s not an ideal mix we’ve discovered. The boys don’t need someone strict (that’s our job,) they need someone who is firm enough to show them they won’t take any nonsense and playful enough to distract them away from dangerous situations. We know our boys – they’re full on. The amount of times complete strangers have run across parks to “rescue” Lex – he’s the climber – has been mind-boggling. Every time these strangers get involved we’ve been standing right there (in our catching position,) so it’s been a bit perplexing. We’ll say to them, ‘it’s OK, it’s just what he does.’ But you can see their hair turning grey at the sight of a three year old scaling such heights. Mates have been very anxious around Lex too, even after we’ve explained what he’s like. I suppose we’re just used to it and don’t always appreciate what a spin-out it can be. Lex’s climbing ambitions started at 10 months old and it hasn’t stopped. If there is something to climb, anything, he climbs it, but he’s also very good at it. He has incredible balance and technique, has rarely fallen, and we figure we’ve got to let him do what he needs to do to explore the world. Hey, he freaks us out too and we both have nightmares regularly, but at least we know his limitations and have always adopted a policy of being in a position to catch him if he falls. It’s happened once. But Noemi just couldn’t cope with Lex’s climbing – it’s completely freaked her out and she was terrified something terrible would happen while he was in her care – fair enough. Jax, on the other hand, has turned into the most confident, determined and strong-willed three year old on the planet, and he wants to make a very firm mark on the world. He talks to everyone, argues with everyone, has his way of doing things and screw you if you suggest another way, and he is also going through a not-listening-unless-you-yell phase. It can be pretty tedious with him right now, as he has a tendency to wander off to do as he wants, screw the consequences, but he’s growing up, and we hope things will calm down as he discovers we respect who he is and who he wants to be. PLEASE don’t take a long time for this stage to be over Jax, you’re sending us nuts! But Jax is a very cool dude. He’s the cautious one (thank the lord we got one!) but he’s also extremely charming, very funny and extremely sensual – he’s a cack, truly. We have absolutely no concerns for him when his time comes to go out into the world. He’s certainly going to get laid a lot. Our boys are amazing. They’re not easy for sure, but they are really wonderful – hey they’re my sons so of course I’m going to say that. Our goal with our kids has always been for them to be happy, confident and not frightened to take life by the balls… well I can say they are already there, and while it’s not easy now, it’s going to serve them well in life. In the meantime, we need help, but it’s got to be a special lady. Vick, our last helper, could’ve coped. She was playful, firm, took no nonsense and the boys loved being with her. I don’t know if we’ll be able to find another Vick, and we know we shouldn’t be looking for one, but the person who comes into our lives definitely has to have some pretty unique qualities and a lot of strength. Everything else is easy, but the boys, well that’s work right now, and I know because I’ve done it pretty-much alone for the last two years. Wish us luck as we start the process again and if anyone is looking for a really wonderful maid, I highly recommend Noemi – just not to people who have boys like ours! Maybe we need two maids… Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I’ve got to say my LEAST favourite thing about being a mother is the bloody kids moaning. I mean, do these kids know how bloody lucky they have it? Do kids in most “first” world countries know? My mate Jaimey recently said kids are more protected, coddled and spoilt than ever before, which makes sense right? We now have fewer kids and they live longer, so we’re more focused on them, especially as we are doing it later, but the moaning… it drives me nuts! We’re coming to the end of two weeks of school holidays. This morning they were entertained at three floors of indoor climbing and adventure fun – but were they happy? Last night it was the British Club, with a water park, playground, little kids room, big kids room, etc, etc, etc, – but were they happy? We’ve never lived in a house with a backyard, and because our boys are not indoor kids, they are taken out for adventures twice a day. During this time we are completely focused on them enjoying themselves, but I tell ya, you wouldn’t know they are the centre of our world. So when we have days like the last couple with our lads, I wonder why we bother. I mean, in my day, we were thrown in the backyard, with no hats or sun block, and screamed at to come in for lunch, or it was dispatched out to us. We weren’t supervised, we did what the hell we wanted, and somehow we survived childhood, considering how much time we spent on the roof, up trees and in the pool. Although all of us have pretty severe sunburn scars as proof of this. I’ve never worn a backless dress. Our car is also an outstanding memory. We had a Datsun wagon for sometime there, and it consisted of two seats in front and a wagon in the back, with a fabric cover. In the winter it was bloody freezing, in the summer a sweat box with no windows to open (except the rear flap and the exhaust was delightful!) and the best bit? There were no chairs – just some corrugated metal for us to sit on. A treat was driving 300kms or so down to Melbourne or Geelong, ‘cos then we had a blow up mattress put in, until one day our Great Aunt Bel felt sorry for us and gave us a cushion – but it only fit three of us. When we fought for the front seat, we had really good reasons for wanting it. Mark, the youngest of us, usually lost out. But we were beautiful. The Edwards family would turn up in our Datsun ute for Wodonga Citizen Brass Band rehearsals, with four kids piling out the back, along with two tubas, a euphonium and a couple of cornets – maybe even a triangle if mum was still participating. You could see and hear us for miles around. Volume was always the order of the day in our household. So here I am trying to give my kids something completely different – not because my childhood was bad (I actually loved it because I was free and we did lots of great stuff) but because I want them to have a more global childhood. I think that would be a cool thing to give them. My boys are freer than most kids, they rarely get “stopped” from doing something unless it’s going to kill them, the day is focused on their happiness in the world, their diet is designed to help them be all they can be, they are never without water, nice clothes, and I could go on, but sometimes it just feels like we can never do enough. I attended a Deepak Chopra course on leadership a couple of years ago and I asked him why kids in “my” world are always cracking the shits and demanding more, when poor street kids, like you see in India, rarely make a fuss. And you know why? When a kid is starving, they are focused on getting food in their belly. When they are full and never know what it’s like to go without, they are like our kids. I’d rather have my kids never knowing what it’s like to be without to the point they don’t fight for more “stuff,” but sometimes, I just wish they’d shut the hell up with all their moaning and appreciate how good they’ve got it. I just hope one day they say thanks Mum and Dad – we had a great childhood. The next chapter will be about nagging, which has commenced full force… Naturally, it goes without saying that I was an absolute angel when I was a child… Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

Well here’s something special, truly bizarre, and a little bit delicate, so be warned, it might not suit everyone’s taste to read about an activity involving the anus… You have been warned! My Kiwi mate Naomi mentioned a recent episode of the Kardashian sisters (I have no idea why they are still on TV but there you go – voyeurism I suppose) and apparently they got their anuses bleached. I immediately thought what? Sometimes I wonder if I’m really behind the times, because until this week, I’d never even heard of it. Click on the title for a link to a Marie Claire article on the topic. Naturally I had to look it up, and while it’s a tad obvious, I am more interested in the why. According to Wikipedia, “Anal bleaching is the process of lightening the color of the skin around the anus. It is done for cosmetic purposes, to make the anus more uniform with the surrounding area. “Procedure – some treatments are applied in an office by a technician and others are sold as cream that can be applied in the privacy of your own home. Many people have started to lean towards treatments that can be done at home for privacy reasons and for the fact that most at home anal lightening creams do not contain the potentially carcinogenic ingredient hydroquinone. This ingredient is banned in many European countries but is still used in the USA at a potency of up to 2%.” Hydroquinone is used in whitening products all over the world, however its use is now banned in many countries because it is considered a carcinogen. Check out the skin cancers people are getting because of skin whitening products – especially in the poorer countries where the ethics of businesses providing these creams are not as good as in richer countries – although the US doesn’t rank too highly. In case you didn’t know, hydroquinone is used in photo production. Most of us have been in the vicinity of photo production facilities – imagine putting something that smells like that on your bumhole? Hello! Apparently porn stars and exotic dancers started this trend, and obviously most of us will understand why to an extent – it does get pretty close and personal for the viewer after all. I can even understand transsexuals (male-to-female) taking this path as they feminise themselves, but for the rest of us, with the risks so high – WHY? And who actually sees it? According to Gay Life they suggest that “prolonged use of hydroquinone can thicken collagen fibres, resulting in a spotty skin appearance. Long term mercury, a known carcinogenic, strips skin of its natural pigment. Prolonged exposure to either can cause cancer, mercury poisoning, liver or kidney failure. Anal bleaching can also cause chemical burns to an already sensitive area.” The reality is, from what I uncovered, there are always risks with this stuff, no matter how “safe” it is purported to be. People are dabbing hydroquinone and mercury on a very sensitive part of their body to make it paler, and all the while, the body absorbs it upwards. Livers and kidneys are going. Can you imagine the future of organ donation – people who desperately need new organs will be competing with anal bleaches? Another reason the illegal organ trade will continue to flourish. I ain’t got a problem with people beautifying themselves. Get your boobs done if they make you unhappy, get unsightly things chopped from your body, a tummy tuck, do the botox thing if you really need to… but this? Something that can kill you or make you very very sick? Because it’s a bumhole people. After the Kardashian sisters’ did their thing on anul bleaching, I saw lots of comments on one of their sites asking the girls for recommendations on creams to use. People are really getting into it. It is shows like this with a strong following and influence, that need to start appreciating they have a responsibility by not encourage potentially lethal cosmetic activities. I mean shouldn’t they? Am I being too extreme here? Maybe a bit sanctimonious? Check out the comments beneath the article (on a different story – one of them bikini-waxed the other and she’s talking about her puffy vagina – nice!) and you’ll see what I mean. What demographic follows these women? Frightening. I am often stupefied by what people are willing to do to their bodies to be “beautiful.” If people spent as much time working on their insides as they did on their outsides, the world would be a much better place – I reckon anyway. So any anal bleaches out there willing to admit it? Anyone sitting on a hot ring piece ‘cos they had a reaction? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

My mate Tash posted a blog about a recent online dating experience she had entitled: “Close Encounters of a Turd Kind.” He was a real charmer – claiming he’d “had” 628 women – one can only presume he meant shags – what a legend!! Anyways Tash is back in the game, hoping to find her love at last but experiences like this can be a bit of a kick in the teeth. It’s a hard and lonely place in single-land most of the time and I admire Tash for being willing to share this experience with her followers. I never did the online dating thing. I just couldn’t believe that I’d ever find anyone who’d suit me. I mean how would I advertise myself? If you’re looking for a charming, sweet lady to introduce to your mum, I’m probably not it. Or if you don’t mind a gal who swears like a trooper, loves being physically strong, lives life hard, is adventurous, speaks her mind, has strong ideas… then give me a call. I’m not against online dating, I just knew it wasn’t for me. I was single from 24 to 33. During that time I had a lot of fun, travelled a lot, enjoyed my work, and met a tonne of great people, but the whole time I was forever hopeful that one day, I would meet my love. Life is a hell of a lot better when you’ve got someone to share it all with don’t you think? But I only believe it’s great when you find the RIGHT one. Nine years later I found him. I was 33 and the love of my life finally came along. His name is Steve and he continues to be everything I hoped for and a lot lot more. Steve is my perfect match – kind of a male version of me (as I am a female version of him) and when we met and fell in love, I realised the idea that opposites attract might be bullshit – at least for us. It was our similarities that really bound us tightly together and we are two very happy little bunnies. When I introduced Steve to my mates, many of them said he’s exactly what you said you always wanted. One gorgeous friend Kirsti said it’s amazing, he is exactly what you’ve talked about for all these years, and you’ve found him. She said she’d spent her time thinking about what she didn’t want and, guess what? She always attracted that type of person – dickheads. So it got me thinking, was it my focus on what I wanted that helped find him? Then the Law of Attraction, manifesting your life, and all of that stuff hit the world, and I realised it could be true – I was a living embodiment of it after all. During those years I never stopped thinking about the man I wanted in my life, and all through that lean time, those thoughts were always foremost in my mind. I really believed that one day he’d walk through my door – I believed it so deeply, it kept me going when I too had “encounters of a turd kind.” All single people can talk about turd times. They are mega kicks in the nuts or snatch when they happen because all you want is to find someone nice, and it feels so impossible when you meet idiots. So that is what I’m sharing here. It is the focus on what you want in your life that will result in getting what you want. I do believe it worked for me in regards to love (but for many other areas of my life too) so be patient with me here, because if it helps one person, that would be awesome. My recipe for finding true love is really simple. Focus on what you want – all aspects – and keep this in your mind and heart every chance you get to daydream about your future. Any time you start thinking of an arsehole or bitch you’ve encountered along the way, shut that thinking down immediately, and redirect it to your ideal partner. Remember the law of attraction is absolute – if you allow yourself to think about what you don’t want, guess what, you’ll get exactly that. Let your imagination soar and live this ideal relationship in your head and heart. Imagine how being with them will make you feel, the smile you’ll see on your face, how much you are going to laugh and all of the wonderful things you’re going to do together. Live it and believe it. Naturally your logical side will kick in and tell you what a bunch of bullshit. You’ve got to ignore that and say “fuck off logic – why can’t I fantasize about this with no rules attached?” That’s the great thing about imagination – there are no rules. Picture your ideal partner, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I say physically because hey, you’ve got to like looking at them too. Being attracted is important whether people admit it or not, but chemistry is chemistry, so while your spunk may not be my spunk, they’re still a spunk. For example, I love men with big thighs and big shoulders and that’s exactly Steve. I went weak at the knees when I saw those thighs and shoulders for the first time seven years ago. In my world, a man’s gotta be a man but we’ve all got different ideas about that. So think about how they look if that’s important to you. But you’ve got to go deep. I needed someone with the same or similar values. I needed to know that even if something wasn’t important to them, they’d respect when something was important to me. I needed someone who laughed at the same stupid shit and who thought I was the dogs bollocks. I needed someone who wasn’t intimidated or scared of the sort of woman I