October 2010

I definitely appreciate the science and research that goes into swimsuit designs for our international swimming stars around the world. The advancements have resulted in seconds being taken off world records and one can only wonder what they’ll come up with next. It’s pretty amazing. Anyhoo, while the science and research is impressive, how the girls look is not. The women’s suits are cut so deeply under their arms that if it was me in the suit there’d be tits hanging out all over the place! The other issue is the quality of the fabric really flattens the girls tits and make them look quite ugly. I think female swimmers have amazing physiques, but the suits do them no justice at all. Moving onto the men – and they aren’t unattractive – but my friend Dylan mentioned how low cut the men’s swim suits were. You know what, he’s right. I didn’t notice because I was too busy ogling the bodies – and male swimmers really do have LOVELY bodies – but the pants are so low, it’s amazing their bait and tackle doesn’t flop over the top every time they dive into the pool! I know some chicks would love that, but I have never found penis and co. particularly attractive to look at, however an odd stray dangler would certainly create a bit of additional entertainment in the pool. Maybe the designers could consider this in their next evolution? It’ll get the audience numbers up… maybe? So it’s thumbs up for the boys and a big thumb down for the girls… Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I asked Steve the other night what the attitude is to swimmers in the UK – I mean are swimmers famous? Did he remember growing up watching the swimming? Does he remember friends growing up dreaming of Olympic gold in the swimming? Is there an awareness of swimming like there is in Australia? He turned around to me and said ‘do you remember that ball we attended in Singapore during the Greece Olympics?’ Ummm which ball? Ahh the days we used to go to balls! Anyhoo his memory of that night is the moment when a tiny TV was wheeled out and everyone stopped eating, drinking and dancing to cluster around the TV to watch Grant Hackett swim the 1500 meters. He thought we were all nuts and could not believe it! So no, the English do not celebrate their swimming champions like we do, and if they did, they would probably be quite competitive in the pool on a much deeper level – not taking anything away from some of the great swims we’ve seen by the Poms at this Commonwealth Games – they’re definitely improving. The Scotts have been great too. But if the Poms really want to make a go of swimming and compete right across the board, then they’ve got to do what we do – make stars out of their swimmers. If you are a great swimmer in Australia, you will get a car sponsorship and probably be driving around in an MX5 as soon as you get your licence, you will find yourself the face of a famous food brand – like Uncle Tobies or a trendy new health food brand, you’ll be the face of a makeup, shoe or clothing brand, you’ll co-host shows, there’ll be magazine articles about you and your wedding + any babies will definitely be feature articles, you’ll do the speaking circuit, and so much more – yes Aussie swimmers, the good ones or the characters, are really famous people in these parts. So for any country wanting to build their swim team – or any other team – you’ve got to make your people famous, because if you do that, young people will want to be like them and they will then have something fantastic to aim for. It’s a simple strategy but it works in Australia. Oh and Poms, Steve said, to give you an idea of how our swimming stars are perceived, that it’s not unlike your football/soccer stars. However I find that hard to believe, because our swimmers don’t earn anywhere near the mega bucks and certainly couldn’t afford to put all that powder up their noses, but that’s what a fellow Pom reckons. I definitely don’t see our swimmers as flashy enough and they’re usually pretty down to earth kind of folk – so no, I don’t compare them to your football stars. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

Last night I was standing outside, watching the amazing storm that has been battering Noosa for the past few days and the most amazing thing happened. Right before my eyes, directly across the canal from me, this mini twister just appeared before me – it was a huge wall of spinning water. I was mesmerized and it took a few minutes to register what I was seeing. It was probably about 10 metres wide and 15 metres tall and then it occurred to me that it was coming straight at me. I turned around and knocked on the window to get Steve, Elaine and Dylan’s attention (we were lucky to have our beautiful friends visiting), but no one was fast enough. Steve emerged just as it slammed into this boat, which was directly in front of me, about three metres away. It made a huge noise and resulted in the boat’s roof being ripped off + a fair bit of damage on its side as it was slammed into the canal wall. Then it just dissipated. Steve, Laine’s and Dyl said why didn’t you come inside? I didn’t know. It was so amazing and so spectacular, that on some level I knew it wouldn’t hurt me, and I just wanted to experience it. It was exciting and terrifying and destructive and beautiful – it was something special. But equally, natural events like this aren’t exactly common to these parts… so it was mind blowing to catch this moment and I felt very lucky because I was the only one who saw it. But it’s left me with a question. After a particularly enlightening weekend attending a metaphysical workshop, within an hour of coming home I am confronted with a freak of nature. I mean, this twister had five kilometres of canal to choose from, but it chose the small surface area we are currently residing on. So what is the message? What is the universe trying to tell me? Any thoughts? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I’m not particularly enamoured with the Australian commentary at the Games, especially the gymnast commentary duo, but you can’t love ‘em all! Anyhoo, there’s a trend amongst the male commentators that is starting to get on my tits and that is their need to comment EVERY TIME on the dudes with the big moustaches who come out for the medal ceremonies. I mean, how many times can you hear “Merv Hughs has got some competition” or “maybe they’re getting ready for Movember” and find it amusing? The point was made the first time! I definitely think it’s time to explore some new options, so commentators, here are two suggestions to consider: ‘a girl could get a hold of that mo and make some use of it’ or ‘obviously if women had handlebar moustaches they’d come in handy’? Maybe my plethora of blog followers would like to include their thoughts? As a bit of background, these moustaches have a long history and a great Indian mate of mine, Gautam, tells me it symbolises masculinity in the Delhi /Rajasthan areas. However, handlebar moustaches are closely associated with the British Armed Forces, particularly the Royal Air Force during WWII, where apparently to help retain their shape and structural integrity, they used wax on their whiskers. So another Commonwealth link, which is obviously appropriate. Just in case you’re interested, a true handlebar moustache must be particularly lengthy with graspable extremities, and is named for its resemblance to handlebars of a motorcycle or bicycle. It’s a bit of an institution this handlebar stuff and there’s even ‘The Handlebar Club of London’. Its aim, according to their Website, is “to bring together moustache wearers (beards being strictly prohibited) socially for sport and general conviviality. The aim of the Club is to assist by all means at its disposal, any worthy charity or cause, particularly those devoted to ex-servicemen.” One should definitely peruse their Website http://www.handlebarclub.co.uk Or better yet, click on the title of this story and you’ll see some terrific handlebar moustaches. Quite interesting when you look into it and commentators, we’re just looking for some variety -not too much to ask, is it? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

While watching a great night of swimming yesterday, I thought I heard Nicole Livingstone say shit. Then she thanked her co-host for not distracting her or making her laugh. A few moments later, the reason became apparent. Sheila Dikshit (pron. Dixit) was on the job for a medal presentation ceremony and obviously her name is rather amusing. Sheila is an honored woman in India, holding the post of Chief Minister of Delhi since 1998, but she also apparently pulled the games together, not to mention she’s fought hard for women’s rights in India, and is secretary of the Indira Gandhi Memorial Trust – one of the great women of history. Anyways, when I heard the name, naturally I did a bit of a Web search on Sheila and that’s when I found 0ut that Paul Henry of TVNZ had been fired on the spot for making a mockery of her name. I must concur that, if the news is correct, he was a bloody dickhead. I mean a single gag or faux pas is understandable, but no, he just kept going and going and going. So he deserved to be sacked, especially as there is a lot of racial bullshit going on round these parts in regards to Indians. However, we can’t get too serious about this stuff when it’s just a simple giggle or a titter because her name IS funny. Surely we can never forget the fundamental principles Australia was founded on and they are principles evolved from filthy convicts with filthy mouths and to this day, we have not changed. Kiwis and Aussies are dirty bastards – we love toilet humour (a British connection if ever there was one) and any name that refers to genitalia, pooh, or anything else related to sex is going to get a giggle. But Paul Henry definitely went too far – I mean, what the hell was he thinking? Idiot. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I caught a bit of the women’s gymnastics last night – it’s pretty amazing stuff to watch and I’ve got to say, the gymnast body has changed a lot. Definitely more muscular yet still petite, but there were even a few chubby ones in the mix – almost bizarre to see. Anyways, a pretty girl from Singapore was doing the beam. The beam had been a disaster all night with most falling off, and this girl was no exception. BUT the thing that got my attention was a summersault in the air resulting in a heavy landing right on her snatch. My first reaction was OUCH! That is going to leave a big bruise on her labia for sure, but then I wondered if I was mistaken. There wasn’t a single utterance from the female commentator or the crowd. It certainly deserved a universal “ouch” at a minimum. I mean if it was one of the blokes, I know the male commentator would have said “bloody hell, that’s gotta hurt,” while every man in the audience would be groaning with tears in their eyes. But nothing at all, so maybe I was mistaken and it’s a genuine beam move? But who’d want to do gymnastics if that was required on a regular basis? Then my learning’s from “The Vagina Monologues” came to mind – us chics just don’t talk about anything to do with our flanges and while I’m grateful every female I come across doesn’t need to regale me with the state of her vag, I do think we should be able to say “bloody ouch” when a girl slams hers on a beam. That’s just me – crazy!! Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

As with most Australians, I love international sporting events, like the Olympics and the Commonwealth Games. I don’t love them because Australia compete brilliantly – although I do feel proud of our sporting champions – I love them because it is such an amazing thing to watch people reach the top of their game in their chosen field. Every single person competing has already achieved something phenomenal just by winning the right to be there and I admire them tremendously for all they have given up and the single mindedness they need to get to the top of their sport. A person achieving the best in any field is something I will always admire. I also love seeing countries and cultures coming together to compete in harmony, celebrating the best of the human spirit, and only wish it could exist all the time, beyond sport. As most people acknowledge, sport should never be about politics or war – it should be about admiring people being the best they can be – where ever in the world they come from. It’s an equalizer. It’s a celebration of life. It’s fantastic. I love it. As anyone paying attention knows, the New Delhi Commonwealth Games have been a shemozzle. I think it’s awesome they won the right to hold the games, but it’s hardly any surprise they have fucked it up so badly. It is SO corrupt in India (and the region) and the little people are the ones who get hurt in the midst of such wide scale corruption, but that’s life in these parts and corruption exists practically everywhere around the world – sometimes it’s just corruption in a different guise. The standards in India are also very different to many parts of the world, so I’m not surprised that things like the toilets in the Athletes Village have been greeted with virtual “outrage” by many. Mate, if some of those folks shat where I’ve had to shit in India, I would understand the outrage. The toilets in the Village look amazing by comparison. But I sincerely hope the games are a tremendous success for India and I know that my Indian friends would love to be proud of their country. Fingers crossed there are no disease outbreaks, no terrorist attacks, and no walkways collapsing with thousands of fans on them … I just hope this is fantastic for India and that nothing happens to put India in a bad light, because it is truly a remarkable country. It is still my favourite country on the planet without question. There really is nowhere like India. So here goes. It was a great start last night and I vow not a single Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi will come out of my house. We’re far too sophisticated for that and the Pom in residence just wouldn’t stand for it. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea PS: anyone capture any Prince Charles’ gaffs last night? I’m sure there were some!

A Barbie advert popped up on TV the other day and my first reaction was Barbie has come a long way. Then, as I watched more closely – as I was quite the Barbie aficionado in my time – I realised that Barbie really has come a long way. Barbie’s new career choices include vet, pizza chef, snowboarder, rock star, ballroom dancer, dentist, kid doctor, baby sitter, ballerina and the best of them – race car driver! Go Barbie! Barbie has a new tagline “I can be” and the gist of it is I can be whatever I want to be – meaning Barbie or the little girl’s buying into the Barbie franchise, can be whatever they want to be. I think that’s a great progression for such an old brand and if I had girls, I’d be happy with that. Barbie’s new career choices still contain some of the girly stuff, but hey, girls will be girls so there’s nothing wrong with that. Let’s face it, the whole fantasy of beauty and glamour appeals to most girls and women, and I don’t think fairy princess values are bad for little girls, but I do appreciate that more options are now being offered. Well done Mattel and can I make a few more suggestions? How about astronaut, volcano researcher, deep cave explorer, mountaineer, rugby player, swimming champion, golf’s number one female, CEO and celebrity chef? Yay for Barbiel! It is great to see a positive ‘you go girl’ message coming through. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea