I’m having a mid-life crisis, there is no doubt about it, and yes women have them too. At the grand old age of 43, I think it’s a mortality thing – it’s like you’re closer to the end than you are to the beginning, and you know this because things ache and your eye sight goes, and well, unsavoury physical things just happen. As such, you can’t help but ponder how you need to live your life to ensure you get old with a skip in yourself, rather than requiring the aid of a Zimmer frame. I don’t want a Zimmer frame that’s for sure – I saw a lady on one recently and it made me feel sad. But am I doing enough to ensure I don’t need one? I know I’m not.

The things I’m planning to tackle include (in no particular order)

1. Redefining my purpose – this is the most important thing I need in my life to be content. When I have purpose, I can conquer the world – so what does it need to be? I don’t know yet, but I’ll tell you when I do. However, defining the ‘Fuck It, Enough’ crusade this last couple of months – in my head – has given me more purpose than anything else I’ve been involved with for a long time – and that was off the back of another couple of bleak months. Fuck it, Enough! Purpose is necessary – as Margaret Thatcher says “my life has got to mean something” and that is definitely how I feel
2. Work – my work hasn’t been flowing and I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps it’s because I’ m not doing the right thing. If it’s easy, you’re doing the right thing, if it’s not, you aren’t – right? But the truth of the matter is flow or no flow, I’m not enjoying it and SAJE isn’t my dream anyway – it’s a means to an end. My main challenge with SAJE is I’m by myself all the time and that’s just not me – I get a buzz out of being around people, I get inspired by people, I get energy from people, and as such, I’ve sent my resume out and have started poking around for a job. My ideal role would be Chief Story Teller for an organisation across Asia Pacific, but as jobs like that don’t exist in Asia yet, I am hoping to find something that will excite me, and from there, create a need for that role as I go. I know being revitalised with my work will make a BIG impact and it’s the key to experiencing a massive change of mindset. Shit, just having human company every day will make me smile more
3. Contribution – I need to make a contribution to the wider world, I need to do something that will make a difference – this kind of links in with purpose, but it’s more than that. I have a few ideas and if I can finance the travel required to do it, I will share the results, because it’s going to rock my world when I start it and hopefully touch other people’s lives too. Essentially, I want to contribute towards raising awareness around sexual slavery
4. Friends, Community, Isolation – which nicely fits into the next aim, for some fucking reason, I have spent the last six years isolating myself. It started when Lex was born, because I didn’t want to breastfeed in public, but it has continued with our moves around the world, financial challenges, etc, etc, etc. It’s just not healthy for me. Everyone knows that women, in particular, need real friends to talk to. Steve and I talk to each other too much – it’s not healthy, so getting out more, being with lots of different people yes, yes, yes! I’m definitely going to be a better girlfriend
5. Shut Up! – One BIG learning curve for me these last few years is isolation turns me into an annoying chatty pants. I need to shut up and definitely not talk over people – especially my husband. He tolerates it, because he knows I don’t get out enough, but it’s not a good quality for me
6. I need to move – I’m too stationary. My current working life is focused on professional and personal writing from a home office. As such, I can get to the end of a day and not walk further than the toilet or the kitchen a few times. That needs to change
7. Exercise, Regain Strength, Reduce the Curves – I don’t exercise enough and I love exercise. However, the boys or Steve are always more important, or work is, or something else is, but the biggest challenge I’ve faced is loss of strength since first getting pregnant in 2006. When I was pregnant with Lex, I felt really vulnerable for the first time in my life, which was a weird thing to adjust to. Then I lost my physical strength, and as a female who has always been very strong, it’s been hard for me to deal with. So it’s back in the pool and back in the gym, but I’ve also got to sort out my rotator cuff injuries that I got somehow, because it limits me and if I don’t sort it, I won’t be able to get strong again. I still don’t know what I can do to fix that! In addition, I’m rarely in photos because when the cameras come out, I run for the hills. As such, I’ve missed six years of photos with my boys – not good. I’ve got to like how I look again, because it’s also a reason for my isolation – I just don’t feel proud of myself…
8. Quit the Darts – nuff said, smoking has plagued my life for too many years – stupid fucking things
9. Thoughtfulness & Random Acts of Kindness – this is a big one for me, and even though I believe I’m a pretty thoughtful kind of person, I reckon I can do much much better by being focused on it. I want to do it for my family, but also for the beautiful people who’ve touched my life
10. Sex & Sexiness, Marriage – I can do better here for my man, and feeling good about how I look is part of that
11. Mindfulness & Meditation – I’ve got my own thing going with meditation but I don’t do it enough. I also need to be more mindful or living in the present moment – like really really do it. All of the great spiritualists – especially from the Eastern traditions – claim this is the central pillar of a life happily lived, and I need to do it and do it well. I spend too much time thinking about how things should be as opposed to enjoying how it actually is – enough already
12. Do more things I enjoy – growing up in Australia I had so many hobbies and passions. As a kid, we were a busy family but we all loved it – that continued into my mid 20s. But since leaving Australia in 1995, I gave up a lot of those hobbies to pursue my real passion – travelling. That passion remains and makes me smile, smile, smile, so I need to travel more often – for many different reasons – however I need to re-instigate other passions, like photography and start doing some new things
13. No judgement – I am not a judgemental person and I work really hard not to be, however sometimes people are just arseholes! It’s not easy to be un-judgemental, but I always try to see the other side and to be forgiving. With that said, I am extremely judgemental of myself and THAT needs to stop. Unconditional love towards myself is very important. I’ve never been good at that
14. Pampering – I don’t pamper myself because, well, I just don’t enjoy it. It feels like such a waste of time, but why do I feel that way? Why can’t I relish a bit more in things for me because they feel good? Maybe I’ll come to the conclusion that pampering isn’t my thing, but for now, I need to value it more and make it more of a priority
15. Stepping back from my boys a bit –I’m too available to my boys. I need to step away a bit, encourage them to be more independent, and give them the space they need to grow into who they are. The things that have gone on in our life these last few years have pushed us all together, and Lex in particular has needed the extra love and support, but it is time to step away just a bit. I’ll never be a distant Mum, but I need more time for me and they could do with a little bit less too

There are many other things I could include, but that’s a start, and every month I’m going to define focus areas to help Steve and I move towards a much much happier place, and we going to do it step-by-step over every month to ensure we give ourselves the best chance of success. The reality is, if I did everything at once, it wouldn’t work, so I’m going to focus on a few things and give myself a month to make the habit a habit, and then move into the next focus area. That’s the plan.

My ultimate goal with FIE is to work out how I can be truly energized, inspired, content, continuing to grow and learn, satisfied with my lot, and ultimately joyful – every day of my life, or at least the majority of days. I tried the Anthony Robbins exercise of trying to be happy for 10 days and couldn’t make it stick – I know it’s possible ‘cos I’ve met people who are really happy everyday – they exist! I want a little bit of that and think FIE is a good goal to pursue and perhaps it’s the purpose I need to move in the right direction?