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Last night I was standing outside, watching the amazing storm that has been battering Noosa for the past few days and the most amazing thing happened. Right before my eyes, directly across the canal from me, this mini twister just appeared before me – it was a huge wall of spinning water. I was mesmerized and it took a few minutes to register what I was seeing. It was probably about 10 metres wide and 15 metres tall and then it occurred to me that it was coming straight at me. I turned around and knocked on the window to get Steve, Elaine and Dylan’s attention (we were lucky to have our beautiful friends visiting), but no one was fast enough. Steve emerged just as it slammed into this boat, which was directly in front of me, about three metres away. It made a huge noise and resulted in the boat’s roof being ripped off + a fair bit of damage on its side as it was slammed into the canal wall. Then it just dissipated. Steve, Laine’s and Dyl said why didn’t you come inside? I didn’t know. It was so amazing and so spectacular, that on some level I knew it wouldn’t hurt me, and I just wanted to experience it. It was exciting and terrifying and destructive and beautiful – it was something special. But equally, natural events like this aren’t exactly common to these parts… so it was mind blowing to catch this moment and I felt very lucky because I was the only one who saw it. But it’s left me with a question. After a particularly enlightening weekend attending a metaphysical workshop, within an hour of coming home I am confronted with a freak of nature. I mean, this twister had five kilometres of canal to choose from, but it chose the small surface area we are currently residing on. So what is the message? What is the universe trying to tell me? Any thoughts? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I’m not particularly enamoured with the Australian commentary at the Games, especially the gymnast commentary duo, but you can’t love ‘em all! Anyhoo, there’s a trend amongst the male commentators that is starting to get on my tits and that is their need to comment EVERY TIME on the dudes with the big moustaches who come out for the medal ceremonies. I mean, how many times can you hear “Merv Hughs has got some competition” or “maybe they’re getting ready for Movember” and find it amusing? The point was made the first time! I definitely think it’s time to explore some new options, so commentators, here are two suggestions to consider: ‘a girl could get a hold of that mo and make some use of it’ or ‘obviously if women had handlebar moustaches they’d come in handy’? Maybe my plethora of blog followers would like to include their thoughts? As a bit of background, these moustaches have a long history and a great Indian mate of mine, Gautam, tells me it symbolises masculinity in the Delhi /Rajasthan areas. However, handlebar moustaches are closely associated with the British Armed Forces, particularly the Royal Air Force during WWII, where apparently to help retain their shape and structural integrity, they used wax on their whiskers. So another Commonwealth link, which is obviously appropriate. Just in case you’re interested, a true handlebar moustache must be particularly lengthy with graspable extremities, and is named for its resemblance to handlebars of a motorcycle or bicycle. It’s a bit of an institution this handlebar stuff and there’s even ‘The Handlebar Club of London’. Its aim, according to their Website, is “to bring together moustache wearers (beards being strictly prohibited) socially for sport and general conviviality. The aim of the Club is to assist by all means at its disposal, any worthy charity or cause, particularly those devoted to ex-servicemen.” One should definitely peruse their Website http://www.handlebarclub.co.uk Or better yet, click on the title of this story and you’ll see some terrific handlebar moustaches. Quite interesting when you look into it and commentators, we’re just looking for some variety -not too much to ask, is it? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

While watching a great night of swimming yesterday, I thought I heard Nicole Livingstone say shit. Then she thanked her co-host for not distracting her or making her laugh. A few moments later, the reason became apparent. Sheila Dikshit (pron. Dixit) was on the job for a medal presentation ceremony and obviously her name is rather amusing. Sheila is an honored woman in India, holding the post of Chief Minister of Delhi since 1998, but she also apparently pulled the games together, not to mention she’s fought hard for women’s rights in India, and is secretary of the Indira Gandhi Memorial Trust – one of the great women of history. Anyways, when I heard the name, naturally I did a bit of a Web search on Sheila and that’s when I found 0ut that Paul Henry of TVNZ had been fired on the spot for making a mockery of her name. I must concur that, if the news is correct, he was a bloody dickhead. I mean a single gag or faux pas is understandable, but no, he just kept going and going and going. So he deserved to be sacked, especially as there is a lot of racial bullshit going on round these parts in regards to Indians. However, we can’t get too serious about this stuff when it’s just a simple giggle or a titter because her name IS funny. Surely we can never forget the fundamental principles Australia was founded on and they are principles evolved from filthy convicts with filthy mouths and to this day, we have not changed. Kiwis and Aussies are dirty bastards – we love toilet humour (a British connection if ever there was one) and any name that refers to genitalia, pooh, or anything else related to sex is going to get a giggle. But Paul Henry definitely went too far – I mean, what the hell was he thinking? Idiot. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I caught a bit of the women’s gymnastics last night – it’s pretty amazing stuff to watch and I’ve got to say, the gymnast body has changed a lot. Definitely more muscular yet still petite, but there were even a few chubby ones in the mix – almost bizarre to see. Anyways, a pretty girl from Singapore was doing the beam. The beam had been a disaster all night with most falling off, and this girl was no exception. BUT the thing that got my attention was a summersault in the air resulting in a heavy landing right on her snatch. My first reaction was OUCH! That is going to leave a big bruise on her labia for sure, but then I wondered if I was mistaken. There wasn’t a single utterance from the female commentator or the crowd. It certainly deserved a universal “ouch” at a minimum. I mean if it was one of the blokes, I know the male commentator would have said “bloody hell, that’s gotta hurt,” while every man in the audience would be groaning with tears in their eyes. But nothing at all, so maybe I was mistaken and it’s a genuine beam move? But who’d want to do gymnastics if that was required on a regular basis? Then my learning’s from “The Vagina Monologues” came to mind – us chics just don’t talk about anything to do with our flanges and while I’m grateful every female I come across doesn’t need to regale me with the state of her vag, I do think we should be able to say “bloody ouch” when a girl slams hers on a beam. That’s just me – crazy!! Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

As with most Australians, I love international sporting events, like the Olympics and the Commonwealth Games. I don’t love them because Australia compete brilliantly – although I do feel proud of our sporting champions – I love them because it is such an amazing thing to watch people reach the top of their game in their chosen field. Every single person competing has already achieved something phenomenal just by winning the right to be there and I admire them tremendously for all they have given up and the single mindedness they need to get to the top of their sport. A person achieving the best in any field is something I will always admire. I also love seeing countries and cultures coming together to compete in harmony, celebrating the best of the human spirit, and only wish it could exist all the time, beyond sport. As most people acknowledge, sport should never be about politics or war – it should be about admiring people being the best they can be – where ever in the world they come from. It’s an equalizer. It’s a celebration of life. It’s fantastic. I love it. As anyone paying attention knows, the New Delhi Commonwealth Games have been a shemozzle. I think it’s awesome they won the right to hold the games, but it’s hardly any surprise they have fucked it up so badly. It is SO corrupt in India (and the region) and the little people are the ones who get hurt in the midst of such wide scale corruption, but that’s life in these parts and corruption exists practically everywhere around the world – sometimes it’s just corruption in a different guise. The standards in India are also very different to many parts of the world, so I’m not surprised that things like the toilets in the Athletes Village have been greeted with virtual “outrage” by many. Mate, if some of those folks shat where I’ve had to shit in India, I would understand the outrage. The toilets in the Village look amazing by comparison. But I sincerely hope the games are a tremendous success for India and I know that my Indian friends would love to be proud of their country. Fingers crossed there are no disease outbreaks, no terrorist attacks, and no walkways collapsing with thousands of fans on them … I just hope this is fantastic for India and that nothing happens to put India in a bad light, because it is truly a remarkable country. It is still my favourite country on the planet without question. There really is nowhere like India. So here goes. It was a great start last night and I vow not a single Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi will come out of my house. We’re far too sophisticated for that and the Pom in residence just wouldn’t stand for it. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea PS: anyone capture any Prince Charles’ gaffs last night? I’m sure there were some!

A Barbie advert popped up on TV the other day and my first reaction was Barbie has come a long way. Then, as I watched more closely – as I was quite the Barbie aficionado in my time – I realised that Barbie really has come a long way. Barbie’s new career choices include vet, pizza chef, snowboarder, rock star, ballroom dancer, dentist, kid doctor, baby sitter, ballerina and the best of them – race car driver! Go Barbie! Barbie has a new tagline “I can be” and the gist of it is I can be whatever I want to be – meaning Barbie or the little girl’s buying into the Barbie franchise, can be whatever they want to be. I think that’s a great progression for such an old brand and if I had girls, I’d be happy with that. Barbie’s new career choices still contain some of the girly stuff, but hey, girls will be girls so there’s nothing wrong with that. Let’s face it, the whole fantasy of beauty and glamour appeals to most girls and women, and I don’t think fairy princess values are bad for little girls, but I do appreciate that more options are now being offered. Well done Mattel and can I make a few more suggestions? How about astronaut, volcano researcher, deep cave explorer, mountaineer, rugby player, swimming champion, golf’s number one female, CEO and celebrity chef? Yay for Barbiel! It is great to see a positive ‘you go girl’ message coming through. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

Well it’s been a week since the operation and it doesn’t seem like Lex is getting too much better. He definitely seems in less pain as the days go on, but he’s not moving his head properly and his breath has started to smell again. We will probably have to take him back to the surgeon tomorrow. We are hoping it’s just a case of another round of antibiotics, but with his neck, who knows? There are two really challenging things, apart from him being miserable which makes us feel useless. The first is his speech – it’s even worse. It’s a little squeak often coming through his nose. Naturally this is to be expected because his whole palate has changed, but it’s even harder understanding his needs, and that makes him frustrated and we’re frustrated and no one seems happy with the end results. Secondly, he is being a TURD! Mainly to his mum, but everyone is copping it, because of course, when you feel miserable you take it out on those you love the most. But sometimes he really really hurts my feelings. Naturally I’m the adult and have to be bigger than that, but he really knows my triggers and it seems to make him less miserable when he makes me miserable. Bloody kids I tell ya. On the plus side, we have hit about a 95 percent success rate of him listening and doing as he’s told – so that’s been a huge plus. We were probably at 50/50 before, or 60/40, or sometimes not at all, so knowing he can hear is an awesome change in our little man – especially in potentially dangerous situations. We can’t wait for this chapter to be over, for him to speak and to sing, for him to be healthy and happy. That’s it, that’s all we want. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I’ve gotta tell ya, since having kids, I’ve never known emotional intensity like it. Every day they pull at my heart strings as they struggle to master something, hurt themselves or communicate a need, but seeing one of them go through surgery and then witnessing the recovery period is something else. Lex was great in hospital and the day after, but Saturday he woke up early and miserable. Today we saw a slight improvement with more smiling, but he’s still miserable. We are both struggling with feeling useless, because the only thing that can help him is time, love, rest and medicine, but it’s so bloody hard – especially as he won’t rest anymore than normal and he’s far too young to appreciate the ‘milking’ opportunity he has here to make us even more attentive. Bring into the mix Jax, who is also requiring extra attention because he definitely feels that the focus is not on him, and we’ve got two little boys who cannot comprehend what’s going on, just that they both need lots of extra love and attention from Mumma and Dadda. And then Mumma and Dadda are wrung out, exhausted, sleep deprived, anxious and completely without energy for each other’s needs, so it’s all a bit of a shit situation really. But it’s about getting through every day and knowing that Lex will only get better. Not to mention soon we will hear the magic of his voice… although at the moment it is but a squeak that’s coming through his nose. Bless! Speech therapy is next. I can’t help but think of parent’s going through really really serious illnesses with their kids. We are so lucky to have two bright, healthy, strong little lads and are thankful for that every day. It doesn’t make it any easier seeing one of our little loves in pain though. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

For the first time since Lex’s operation, Steve and I sat down, relaxed and watched a movie. Tropic Thunder was on the box, and my oh my, what a bloody funny show. It’s the second time we’ve watched it and I still can’t quite get my head around the minds’ of the people who created the idea for this movie – Ben Stiller being one of them. It is almost bizarre, very close to crossing a lot of lines and the characters! Obviously Tom Cruise’s character is something special, but Robert Downey Jr – a white man playing a black man, who’s not only a white man, but a white Australian played by an American. Who thinks of shit like that? Ben Stiller’s “Laughing Jack?” Jack Black’s heroin addicted character? I’ve never really liked Jack Black, but I’m learning to appreciate him. It truly is something special and when we get our stuff out of storage, including our enormous DVD collection, I’m going to sit down with a pen and paper to write down all of the bizarre and funny lines in this movie. Neither Steve nor I could stop smiling. We needed that. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I am going to express an unpopular opinion by Australian standards, but then I’m hardly a wall flower and have never feared being controversial, so here goes. Please note, this is a little more serious than I normally write, so be warned. BIG news in Australia last week was the CEO of the Commonwealth Bank (one of the top four banks in these parts) got a 75 percent performance related pay rise – that means he only gets it if he meets targets. The CEO, Ralph Norris, has total a package now worth $16.2 million, which apparently makes him the highest paid private executive in Australia. This rise came after he led the bank to a 20 percent net profit of $5.66 billion. Now I appreciate that $16.2 million is a lot of money for people, and that the majority of outrage is coming from people in “normal” earning brackets, but executive salaries like this are a reality in a global market economy – hey that’s what a global economy is all about! People do earn these sorts of incomes and if Australia wants to attract the best people in the business, we have to pay them the big salaries and they have to be competitive internationally. The Ralph’s of the world can get a job anywhere – and many Australian’s are overseas earning the bigger bucks because they just can’t it here! Here’s something published by Reuters http://www.reuters.com/subjects/executive-compensation, and while I’m sure it’s changed, the variations are probably still the same. In the chart in this article, you can see that the Aussie’s are doing OK in the global banking CEO pay scales, but it’s still the US banks pulling in the big bucks, plus Satander of Spain. I couldn’t find anything more recent, but with the global economy improving slightly, I’m sure these salaries have already increased. I really do appreciate that many cannot comprehend how anyone can be worth this much money, but seriously, they are. When people sign up for this kind of responsibility (and package) the company essentially “owns” them. That means 16-20 hour days, 7 days a week, gruelling travel schedules, missed family time, always on call (many are banned from ever turning their phones off – even a cinema visit has to be pre-approved by the board for 2 hours turn-off-time) and that’s just a starter. It is a shit high pressured job and anyone willing to take this responsibility needs to be compensated for it on a competitive scale globally and don’t forget – they only get the money if the company performs beyond market expectations – i.e. they manage to achieve something remarkable. I couldn’t cope with the headache of a CEO job – not anymore. Life’s too short for that shit. I sincerely believe that heading up a public company is a shit job and Ralph Norris (+ everyone else in this bracket) is welcome to it. The magnitude of their package is self-financing and paid for by extra profit the company makes. As an exercise – find a shareholder in CWB and ask them what they think of Ralph’s salary – then ask them how much they have made in dividends/share price appreciation since he took over. It’s a public company, so the public can buy in at any point. I mean let’s think about “salaries” in another field. Hollywood! Does anyone question Russel Crowe earning $30 million or so in a year or even for a movie? Or Nicole Kidman exceeding $20 million? Even ACDC are taking in $30 or so million a year, although after their global tour this year, I’m sure it’s a lot more. The Wiggles are the highest paid entertainers in Australia and even High 5 are in the top 10 earners. Entertainers seem welcome to their fortune, but not hard working, seven day a week, stress heads leading Australia’s very successful economy. They are definitely worth their weight in gold – the successful ones. It’s seems to be an Australian “thing” to get stuck into these issues. I remember it being discussed with passion when an executive at Macquarie Bank got a massive bonus a few years ago, and before that with other bank executives. Friends of mine were absolutely outraged about the “Macquarie incident” and I said, hey that’s what it’s all about in the global financial markets. I obviously elaborated a little more than that. Some people got it, most didn’t. I mean you rarely ever hear of American executives getting slammed in the press for their salaries – except in the last few years with the GFC. But that was a blip. In the US they know that the best people are worth this much and that is all there is to it. The guys (and rarely some gals) in the US also get amazing perks, such as use of a company jet, which wipes hundreds of thousands off the company’s bottom line. In fact, with salaries capped the last couple of years, some of the big execs pissed off to other countries. The money is always there for talent. I sincerely believe that we’ve got to stop slamming these folks, because if it was me, and I was at the centre of all this media bullshit, I’d be getting the hell out. I hate to think that amazing people, who could add so much to our economy and our country, leave because we can’t get our heads around this stuff. It is just a hard reality, and I 100 percent believe that high level executives are worth every cent – especially when they are running successful, profitable businesses, which in turn are making money for the shareholders, and could also be making millions for Australia’s superannuation plans. Who knows, you might actually be benefiting here? But that’s just my opinion. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea PS: I’m on the market for $9 million – a bargain!