Andrea Edwards

When we landed in Australia about 14 months ago, I kept hearing advertising for Pandora. I thought it was the name of a jewellery shop, but over time, came to understand it was a ‘new way to do jewellery.’ The other day I walked past a jewellery shop and had a look in the window at the Pandora selection and I finally got it. You buy the bracelet and then you spend a fortune on lots of little bits and pieces to fill said bracelet, and wallah, you have a new bracelet. But the best bit, of course, is you can spend even more money and have a different bracelet for everyday of the week. You can also use Pandora on necklaces and anything else it can be inserted onto – a nice cock ring perhaps? I know that many people think this is ace and will enjoy putting their Pandora together, but I think it’s a croc of shit. If they got the advertising campaign sorted and focused in a way that talked about the tremendous creativity it offers or the beautiful individuality you can achieve with your jewellery – then I’d probably be a bit more supportive. I’d also appreciate it if it was focused on young girls or teenagers – because that’s very much what young girls like to do – but it seems this trend is taking the world by storm and grown women are the target market. As with any new fad, I see it as a way for us all to be clones, to follow rather than to lead, to waste money on bullshit and to spend time on irrelevance rather than focusing on the important things in life. OK rant over, it’s just something that’s really gotten on my tits, and I know it’s not exclusive to Australia, it’s on its way to becoming a global phenomenon, but that just makes it worse in my eyes. Come on girls, let’s focus on ruling the world, and we’re not going to do that if we allow our headspace to be distracted by bullshit. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea PS: I know this might be an unpopular opinion, but I’m OK with that!

I took over the mantle of being the parent present for Jax’s haircut yesterday – to date I have successfully avoided this responsibility to date. I had previously been off with Lex getting his eyes tested (they’re fine, phew) and during the 30 minute wait he had already endured, Steve was a sweaty mess. Apparently Jax had rampaged through the salon, smashing products at kid height, getting into the electrical cupboard, taking on the scissors… Steve doesn’t always find it easy dealing with the chaos around our boys in a public environment – bless. So he wrung his shirt out and headed off for some nice time with Lex. In the meantime, it was Jax’s turn and from the second he was in the chair, he cried and cried and cried. The hairdresser was stuffing around a bit, but then I realised she was a little apprehensive about doing an upset little mans’ locks, so the job was handed over to a colleague. All the while I’m thinking I don’t care who fucken does it, just get it done. The crying was going up in decibels and when the clippers touched Jax’s noggin, they went up even more. Opposite the salon is a cafe, and for the next 10 minutes, no one was able to enjoy the peaceful serenity of a nice brew or a pleasant conversation. Jax was howling down the house and there were real tears too. By this point I knew there was nothing I could do, so I just laughed – it was pretty bloody funny. But then out of nowhere, this bloke walks up and gives Jax a Freddo (a chocolate frog). By the time I turned around to thank him, he was gone. How nice is the kindness of strangers sometimes? I can’t think of the last time I experienced that. The chocolate didn’t help though, the crying just intensified, and there was now chocolate and snot everywhere – including down my pants. But it was done. Unfortunately for Jax, he cannot carry long hair. His hair is too straight and his crown is slightly off centre, so he just looks really scruffy when his hair grows. I dearly hope he doesn’t have dreams of becoming a surfer dude one day, because he definitely won’t be able to carry the locks that come with it. Ahh bloody kids I tell ya. He was lucky though – he got a new truck for his trauma and he looks extra handsome with short hair – shows off his big beautiful eyes. Hope I don’t have to do the next haircut though. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

There’s quite a perplexing advert on TV in Australia at the moment. It features an oldish dude, who you eventually realise is in a wheelchair, and he’s talking about what a pain in the arse he is, but he’s got a “friend” from community services who keeps him company, expects nothing from him, and he admits that he just loves him. As the ad comes to an end, you realise this “friend” is a beautiful Labrador dog. My first reaction was ‘isn’t that just lovely.’ I mean, the guide dog program is a phenomenal success and gives vision impaired people an amazing chance at a full life. And so it seems that idea has been expanded into Assistance Dogs Australia, which is designed to give people with disabilities freedom and independence. The dogs are trained to open doors, press crossing buttons, pick up things dropped, and so on, but they also give people confidence and independence – what is more important than that? But then I realised I had an issue with this program, because it’s such a shame that we live in a world where it’s even necessary. I remember Mother Theresa visited the UK and after everything she’d seen in India and the rest of the world, she found the loneliness of the West far more heart breaking than anything she had ever seen in “poor” countries. People are so lonely and so alone, which she extrapolated on by telling the story of one old lady who used to write letters to herself just so she received mail. We can all only hope that we are not so alone in our dotage huh? I do find it sad that we need this and if there were the funds, there are thousands of people who could do with canine company just to help them cope with their loneliness, but wouldn’t it be nice if everyone had the loving non-judgemental care and company they needed huh? The non-Western cultures of our world definitely have a better idea here – they take care of their own. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I’ve got to say, one of the biggest highlights of the Games for me has been the elite athletes with a disability (EAD) and this new title has shown the amazingly high regard these folks have gained in the sporting world – well bloody deserved I say. The integration of EADs happened at Manchester in 2002 and I’ve got to say, it has made the games even more fantastic for me, because bloody hell, these folks are incredible humans and I adore watching them compete. I enjoy watching the EAD competition as much as I enjoy any of the sports, but there is added emotional intensity watching these dudes as you can really appreciate the hurdles – both physical and emotional – that they’ve had to overcome to be there. Some have been born with disabilities and some have gotten them in life, so the first thing is coming to terms with the challenges this brings. The second issue is while they have the same dedication and are also required to sacrifice a lot to be one of the best in the world; there are considerable other challenges. Financially it must be enormously challenging as I’m sure there is nowhere near as much investment and sponsorship as able bodied athletes get access to, but equally, many need access to special facilities that take into account their disabilities which I’m sure aren’t common everywhere. Add to that travel logistics, and all of the other things we and able bodied athletes take for granted, then you can start to see how much admiration these guys and gals deserve. If I was a leg amputee I’d like to think that I could pick myself up and be someone greater, but I know that turning into a miserable bastard who felt sorry for myself is probably more likely. Who could ever know the challenges you face unless you are in their shoes… or wheels in some cases. More acceptance in the world towards people with disabilities, for me, represents a real maturity, or even evolution, for the human race. We seem to be moving beyond false values of physical “perfection” into a better world that values the human spirit above all else. It really does give me a lot of hope and is one of the reasons I love international sporting competition. Nothing else seems to capture the essence of greatness in humanity as much as sport can. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I definitely appreciate the science and research that goes into swimsuit designs for our international swimming stars around the world. The advancements have resulted in seconds being taken off world records and one can only wonder what they’ll come up with next. It’s pretty amazing. Anyhoo, while the science and research is impressive, how the girls look is not. The women’s suits are cut so deeply under their arms that if it was me in the suit there’d be tits hanging out all over the place! The other issue is the quality of the fabric really flattens the girls tits and make them look quite ugly. I think female swimmers have amazing physiques, but the suits do them no justice at all. Moving onto the men – and they aren’t unattractive – but my friend Dylan mentioned how low cut the men’s swim suits were. You know what, he’s right. I didn’t notice because I was too busy ogling the bodies – and male swimmers really do have LOVELY bodies – but the pants are so low, it’s amazing their bait and tackle doesn’t flop over the top every time they dive into the pool! I know some chicks would love that, but I have never found penis and co. particularly attractive to look at, however an odd stray dangler would certainly create a bit of additional entertainment in the pool. Maybe the designers could consider this in their next evolution? It’ll get the audience numbers up… maybe? So it’s thumbs up for the boys and a big thumb down for the girls… Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I asked Steve the other night what the attitude is to swimmers in the UK – I mean are swimmers famous? Did he remember growing up watching the swimming? Does he remember friends growing up dreaming of Olympic gold in the swimming? Is there an awareness of swimming like there is in Australia? He turned around to me and said ‘do you remember that ball we attended in Singapore during the Greece Olympics?’ Ummm which ball? Ahh the days we used to go to balls! Anyhoo his memory of that night is the moment when a tiny TV was wheeled out and everyone stopped eating, drinking and dancing to cluster around the TV to watch Grant Hackett swim the 1500 meters. He thought we were all nuts and could not believe it! So no, the English do not celebrate their swimming champions like we do, and if they did, they would probably be quite competitive in the pool on a much deeper level – not taking anything away from some of the great swims we’ve seen by the Poms at this Commonwealth Games – they’re definitely improving. The Scotts have been great too. But if the Poms really want to make a go of swimming and compete right across the board, then they’ve got to do what we do – make stars out of their swimmers. If you are a great swimmer in Australia, you will get a car sponsorship and probably be driving around in an MX5 as soon as you get your licence, you will find yourself the face of a famous food brand – like Uncle Tobies or a trendy new health food brand, you’ll be the face of a makeup, shoe or clothing brand, you’ll co-host shows, there’ll be magazine articles about you and your wedding + any babies will definitely be feature articles, you’ll do the speaking circuit, and so much more – yes Aussie swimmers, the good ones or the characters, are really famous people in these parts. So for any country wanting to build their swim team – or any other team – you’ve got to make your people famous, because if you do that, young people will want to be like them and they will then have something fantastic to aim for. It’s a simple strategy but it works in Australia. Oh and Poms, Steve said, to give you an idea of how our swimming stars are perceived, that it’s not unlike your football/soccer stars. However I find that hard to believe, because our swimmers don’t earn anywhere near the mega bucks and certainly couldn’t afford to put all that powder up their noses, but that’s what a fellow Pom reckons. I definitely don’t see our swimmers as flashy enough and they’re usually pretty down to earth kind of folk – so no, I don’t compare them to your football stars. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

Last night I was standing outside, watching the amazing storm that has been battering Noosa for the past few days and the most amazing thing happened. Right before my eyes, directly across the canal from me, this mini twister just appeared before me – it was a huge wall of spinning water. I was mesmerized and it took a few minutes to register what I was seeing. It was probably about 10 metres wide and 15 metres tall and then it occurred to me that it was coming straight at me. I turned around and knocked on the window to get Steve, Elaine and Dylan’s attention (we were lucky to have our beautiful friends visiting), but no one was fast enough. Steve emerged just as it slammed into this boat, which was directly in front of me, about three metres away. It made a huge noise and resulted in the boat’s roof being ripped off + a fair bit of damage on its side as it was slammed into the canal wall. Then it just dissipated. Steve, Laine’s and Dyl said why didn’t you come inside? I didn’t know. It was so amazing and so spectacular, that on some level I knew it wouldn’t hurt me, and I just wanted to experience it. It was exciting and terrifying and destructive and beautiful – it was something special. But equally, natural events like this aren’t exactly common to these parts… so it was mind blowing to catch this moment and I felt very lucky because I was the only one who saw it. But it’s left me with a question. After a particularly enlightening weekend attending a metaphysical workshop, within an hour of coming home I am confronted with a freak of nature. I mean, this twister had five kilometres of canal to choose from, but it chose the small surface area we are currently residing on. So what is the message? What is the universe trying to tell me? Any thoughts? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I’m not particularly enamoured with the Australian commentary at the Games, especially the gymnast commentary duo, but you can’t love ‘em all! Anyhoo, there’s a trend amongst the male commentators that is starting to get on my tits and that is their need to comment EVERY TIME on the dudes with the big moustaches who come out for the medal ceremonies. I mean, how many times can you hear “Merv Hughs has got some competition” or “maybe they’re getting ready for Movember” and find it amusing? The point was made the first time! I definitely think it’s time to explore some new options, so commentators, here are two suggestions to consider: ‘a girl could get a hold of that mo and make some use of it’ or ‘obviously if women had handlebar moustaches they’d come in handy’? Maybe my plethora of blog followers would like to include their thoughts? As a bit of background, these moustaches have a long history and a great Indian mate of mine, Gautam, tells me it symbolises masculinity in the Delhi /Rajasthan areas. However, handlebar moustaches are closely associated with the British Armed Forces, particularly the Royal Air Force during WWII, where apparently to help retain their shape and structural integrity, they used wax on their whiskers. So another Commonwealth link, which is obviously appropriate. Just in case you’re interested, a true handlebar moustache must be particularly lengthy with graspable extremities, and is named for its resemblance to handlebars of a motorcycle or bicycle. It’s a bit of an institution this handlebar stuff and there’s even ‘The Handlebar Club of London’. Its aim, according to their Website, is “to bring together moustache wearers (beards being strictly prohibited) socially for sport and general conviviality. The aim of the Club is to assist by all means at its disposal, any worthy charity or cause, particularly those devoted to ex-servicemen.” One should definitely peruse their Website http://www.handlebarclub.co.uk Or better yet, click on the title of this story and you’ll see some terrific handlebar moustaches. Quite interesting when you look into it and commentators, we’re just looking for some variety -not too much to ask, is it? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

While watching a great night of swimming yesterday, I thought I heard Nicole Livingstone say shit. Then she thanked her co-host for not distracting her or making her laugh. A few moments later, the reason became apparent. Sheila Dikshit (pron. Dixit) was on the job for a medal presentation ceremony and obviously her name is rather amusing. Sheila is an honored woman in India, holding the post of Chief Minister of Delhi since 1998, but she also apparently pulled the games together, not to mention she’s fought hard for women’s rights in India, and is secretary of the Indira Gandhi Memorial Trust – one of the great women of history. Anyways, when I heard the name, naturally I did a bit of a Web search on Sheila and that’s when I found 0ut that Paul Henry of TVNZ had been fired on the spot for making a mockery of her name. I must concur that, if the news is correct, he was a bloody dickhead. I mean a single gag or faux pas is understandable, but no, he just kept going and going and going. So he deserved to be sacked, especially as there is a lot of racial bullshit going on round these parts in regards to Indians. However, we can’t get too serious about this stuff when it’s just a simple giggle or a titter because her name IS funny. Surely we can never forget the fundamental principles Australia was founded on and they are principles evolved from filthy convicts with filthy mouths and to this day, we have not changed. Kiwis and Aussies are dirty bastards – we love toilet humour (a British connection if ever there was one) and any name that refers to genitalia, pooh, or anything else related to sex is going to get a giggle. But Paul Henry definitely went too far – I mean, what the hell was he thinking? Idiot. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I caught a bit of the women’s gymnastics last night – it’s pretty amazing stuff to watch and I’ve got to say, the gymnast body has changed a lot. Definitely more muscular yet still petite, but there were even a few chubby ones in the mix – almost bizarre to see. Anyways, a pretty girl from Singapore was doing the beam. The beam had been a disaster all night with most falling off, and this girl was no exception. BUT the thing that got my attention was a summersault in the air resulting in a heavy landing right on her snatch. My first reaction was OUCH! That is going to leave a big bruise on her labia for sure, but then I wondered if I was mistaken. There wasn’t a single utterance from the female commentator or the crowd. It certainly deserved a universal “ouch” at a minimum. I mean if it was one of the blokes, I know the male commentator would have said “bloody hell, that’s gotta hurt,” while every man in the audience would be groaning with tears in their eyes. But nothing at all, so maybe I was mistaken and it’s a genuine beam move? But who’d want to do gymnastics if that was required on a regular basis? Then my learning’s from “The Vagina Monologues” came to mind – us chics just don’t talk about anything to do with our flanges and while I’m grateful every female I come across doesn’t need to regale me with the state of her vag, I do think we should be able to say “bloody ouch” when a girl slams hers on a beam. That’s just me – crazy!! Yours, without the bollocksAndrea