Andrea Edwards

My great mate Libs mentioned a new trend doing the rounds at luxury spas these days – apparently you can smoke your vagina. My first reaction was yuck, and then about two seconds later I started to find it curiously intriguing. But where the hell does an idea like this come from? So I did a bit of research. Now when one enters the search words “vaginal smoking” or “smoking vaginas” into Google! you certainly get an interesting assortment of articles, as well as images of bald vaginas with cigarettes hanging out – lovely. Can you imagine a more perfect way to start the day than looking at a strangers’ flange? I’m obviously behind the times, because this has been going on for centuries, but finding real information on the Javanese custom of smoking your vagina (Java is in Indonesia if you don’t know) was slightly more challenging, and ultimately very repetitive, with no real background to speak of. From what I can gather, it’s a Javanese Royal custom, and the Javanese princesses throughout history have smoked their vaginas prior to wedding nights, as well as for special occasions – lucky men! Incense smoke is placed under your sarong to remove unpleasant odours and to reduce discharge. Or you can sit naked on a chair, with a hole in the appropriate place, and underneath the hole is placed a burning bowl of seeds and herbs, wafting smoke up into your vagina, which should stimulate and disinfect the region. Now what I want to know is does this custom come from pride in the vagina or shame in the vagina? As many societies attest to, the majority of cultures, no matter how primitive or advanced, have very specific “taboos” in regards to the vagina that tend to ensure it is something hidden and not discussed. It’s a long time since women sat in “red tents” sharing the woman’s time of the month, and even the aboriginals in Australia are reputed to have sent their women up a tree for the duration of their monthlies. They got a break I guess. If you actually read some of the research coming out, approximately 4 out of 10 women in Western Societies are ashamed of their vags’ and that the majority of us never look at them and don’t even know what a “normal” one looks like. The good news is there is no “normal” – they’re big, medium, small, outies, innies, some look like flowers and others look like untidy kebabs. There is no unity in the vagina and if you think yours is ugly, your dream vagina was probably significantly doctored in the photo you found and not even a possibility in the hands of the greatest plastic surgeon on the planet. So time to get happy with your snatch and it is recommended that to befriend it (and to improve your sex life) you name it…. something to think about. There is no question that vaginas are a much sort after accoutrement for most men, but there has always been a lot of shame, silence and taboo around the vag. It’s amazing really, more than half the world has them and still there is so much bollocks around it. So my question – is vaginal smoking a celebration of the vagina or is it because the Javanese princesses who started this custom are ultimately ashamed of their vaginas? I don’t have any Javanese friends to ask, otherwise I would, but if anyone can shed any light, that would be ace. In the meantime, anyone want to join me for an extended spa treatment in Bali? I wouldn’t mind a bit of a break. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

In 1991 I made the worst decision I’ve ever made and the best. I joined the Australian Army. I was recruited as a musician and it was the worst decision because the Army and I ain’t a great combo, but also the best because I learnt lessons about people that have made me more understanding of every type of human ever since. The military certainly attracts the full diaspora of any society… In the early days of my army time, I had to do three months basic training and it was a hideous time, although strangely satisfying, and that experience will stay with me forever. At that time, nearly 20 years ago (yikes!), it was still illegal to be gay in the military. My corporal and two out of the other three female corporals in charge of us recruits were lessos, but it wasn’t widely discussed or acknowledged. I just knew. Anyhoo while we were in basic training one of them got “discovered” for being a carpet muncher (how, I don’t know?) and she was immediately put under house arrest, along with her girlfriend who was also in the army. They couldn’t leave the house, certainly couldn’t be seen together and they were treated like shit – it was a disgusting way to treat any human being and definitely victimisation at its ugliest. In the end, they were kicked out of the Army, which was a shame because they both loved it. Definitely an eye opener witnessing that. Not long after that, ‘the don’t ask don’t tell’ policy came into being and it’s stayed pretty much the same ever since. Apparently 29 nations allow gay recruits, including Israel, Canada, Germany and Sweden, so the precedent has been set, but some governments remain pathetic in fighting this battle and still don’t have the guts to make it legal. Then again, a lot of the 29 countries’ have compulsory military service, so it’s already a little different for them. If they were anti-gay, everyone would claim being homosexual just to miss out on their military service. But don’t ask don’t tell is better than nothing and at least gay people who want to be in the military have been able to do it without being victimised – well victimisation still happens, but it’s a little bit of progress. So now the argument comes up again in the US – this time the fight for legalisation – and a California judge, Virginia Phillips, has ruled that the policy is illegal and has ordered a global injunction to halt it. Now homosexuals in the US can join the military and admit that they are gay, BUT as an appeal is highly likely , anyone who does admit it will probably be kicked out once this happens. So don’t ask don’t tell still stands. The thing that shits me about it is the argument against accepting gay recruits. I actually think it’s the same as the argument against women in the “proper” military, which only happened in the 70s and 80s, but in reverse. For example, the main bollocks that came up from my fellow male soldiers was along the lines of “imagine being in war and you have to share sleeping quarters with a gay? They might try and shag you!” Not only would a musician never be in that situation, but hello, what an ignorant comment to make in the first place! And the other I used to love “what if they’re senior to you, they might force themselves on you?” Well as we can see, with women in the US war machine properly for the first time in modern history, rape of female soldiers is very high, so I’m not worried about the gay recruits, the straight ones are far more dangerous. The reality is, gay people are just like anyone else, they just tend to have a preference for the same sex and generally that preference is towards gay people of that sex, not just anyone with the appropriate appendage. They are no threat to anyone, are not “sick”, and they’re as keen to fight for their country as anyone else. You know what, with the state of chaos the world is currently in; people in the military should be welcoming them with open arms. They need the numbers and they’ll fight as hard as anyone else, until the day comes when military is no longer a necessity. I hope that day comes soon. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

It’s official, Australia has its first Saint, which according to my brother “it’s about bloody time.” My mother has travelled to Rome to enjoy the festivities and while I don’t know how she’s doing, she did Facebook me to say she was having dinner on Lake Galilee as part of her Holy Land pilgrimage. But she’s in Rome now and I keep looking out for her in the crowd – because she would be quite obvious if the cameras got hold of her – but no luck so far. Ahhh imagine the fun times they’re having? Actually, they do look like they’re having a blast in a nun-like-Christian-kind-of-way, so here’s to Mary Mackillop – the first Australian Saint. It’s actually quite a big deal for a lot of people. And Mum, please don’t make me call Interpol again? Last time she was in Europe, Kathryn managed to sabotage an American born again Christian bus doing the religious rounds of Europe and just disappeared for two weeks…. From an ex-Catholic, and as always, yours, without the bollocksAndrea

Bummer, the end has come for the Commonwealth Games in Delhi and we’re going to miss it. Steve and I have loved tucking up in bed, enjoying moments of pure sporting magic – it’s been bliss. However, we’re also glad the big games are only every two years, because it’s bloody knackering watching TV late at night with the lads waking up so early. I reckon the Games have been awesome, although I have found the media coverage both quite amusing and yet highly ignorant – there’s been so much negative bullshit: the pool water is making the swimmers sick, they’re all getting Delhi belly, the toilets are dirty, there’s dust on the road for the cyclists, there’s moths in the pool, too many bugs on the track, etc, etc, etc… Its all been very uniform coverage too, demonstrating that very few journos dare to stand up and be different. The majority have probably never left their home country before. At least the athletes ignored the bullshit and got stuck into competing, I mean is there any such thing as an ideal competitive environment anyway? Everywhere has its challenges and I’ve loved the exposure the games have given India. It’s a remarkable country – the most remarkable country on the planet in my experience. Everything assaults you in India – sight, sound, smell, hearing, etc… just the sheer scale of humanity you contend with every day is something special, especially if you come from somewhere as sparse as Australia. You know, two people fucked it up – Suresh Kalmadi and his sidekick Lalit Bhanot – they’re the dudes with ultimate responsibility and they didn’t get it right. So now they’re suffering the embarrassment of failure, their faces are smothered with egg and their corrupt practises have been exposed – that’s great. However, let’s forget about them and focus on the great stuff. As with most countries hosting something on this scale, when the shit hit the fan, everyone in Delhi came together and put on some fantastic games – hiccups included. That is what we should be focusing on – not the idiots who fucked stuff up. To err is human after all and with all the chaos, I reckon it added to the ‘show’ and I absolutely loved it. Perfection is boring after all. I just hope other non western Commonwealth countries are willing to step up and host it in the future. Exposure to cultures different to our own gives us a much deeper understanding of each other, and if we can appreciate each other and the differences between people, then we have a greater chance of real peace in the world. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea PS obviously living with a Pom and the pretty strong anti-Pom sentiment on the TV round these parts – i.e. “we’re Aussies and we just love beating the Poms” to which my husband says “what the fuck?” I thought it might be worth adding a final thought. The rivalry between Australia and the UK definitely goes both ways and after the UK beat Australia at the Olympics in Beijing for the first time in many years, I think a lot of Aussies are pretty pleased with our result at these Games – we came out on top once again. However, “victory” (that is essentially victory over the Poms) is definitely not certain at the London Olympics in 2012 because host nations always do well and the “Poms” officially won more medals than the Aussies at the Commonwealth Games anyway – although Australia still won more Gold. Taking into account that the Olympics will be the combined force of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland + some small places like the Isle of Man, the medal tally actually stands as this. Just for anyone who’s interested…. Australia – Gold: 74 Silver: 55 Bronze 48 = 177United Kingdom – Gold: 51 Silver: 79 Bronze: 69 = 199

When we landed in Australia about 14 months ago, I kept hearing advertising for Pandora. I thought it was the name of a jewellery shop, but over time, came to understand it was a ‘new way to do jewellery.’ The other day I walked past a jewellery shop and had a look in the window at the Pandora selection and I finally got it. You buy the bracelet and then you spend a fortune on lots of little bits and pieces to fill said bracelet, and wallah, you have a new bracelet. But the best bit, of course, is you can spend even more money and have a different bracelet for everyday of the week. You can also use Pandora on necklaces and anything else it can be inserted onto – a nice cock ring perhaps? I know that many people think this is ace and will enjoy putting their Pandora together, but I think it’s a croc of shit. If they got the advertising campaign sorted and focused in a way that talked about the tremendous creativity it offers or the beautiful individuality you can achieve with your jewellery – then I’d probably be a bit more supportive. I’d also appreciate it if it was focused on young girls or teenagers – because that’s very much what young girls like to do – but it seems this trend is taking the world by storm and grown women are the target market. As with any new fad, I see it as a way for us all to be clones, to follow rather than to lead, to waste money on bullshit and to spend time on irrelevance rather than focusing on the important things in life. OK rant over, it’s just something that’s really gotten on my tits, and I know it’s not exclusive to Australia, it’s on its way to becoming a global phenomenon, but that just makes it worse in my eyes. Come on girls, let’s focus on ruling the world, and we’re not going to do that if we allow our headspace to be distracted by bullshit. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea PS: I know this might be an unpopular opinion, but I’m OK with that!

I took over the mantle of being the parent present for Jax’s haircut yesterday – to date I have successfully avoided this responsibility to date. I had previously been off with Lex getting his eyes tested (they’re fine, phew) and during the 30 minute wait he had already endured, Steve was a sweaty mess. Apparently Jax had rampaged through the salon, smashing products at kid height, getting into the electrical cupboard, taking on the scissors… Steve doesn’t always find it easy dealing with the chaos around our boys in a public environment – bless. So he wrung his shirt out and headed off for some nice time with Lex. In the meantime, it was Jax’s turn and from the second he was in the chair, he cried and cried and cried. The hairdresser was stuffing around a bit, but then I realised she was a little apprehensive about doing an upset little mans’ locks, so the job was handed over to a colleague. All the while I’m thinking I don’t care who fucken does it, just get it done. The crying was going up in decibels and when the clippers touched Jax’s noggin, they went up even more. Opposite the salon is a cafe, and for the next 10 minutes, no one was able to enjoy the peaceful serenity of a nice brew or a pleasant conversation. Jax was howling down the house and there were real tears too. By this point I knew there was nothing I could do, so I just laughed – it was pretty bloody funny. But then out of nowhere, this bloke walks up and gives Jax a Freddo (a chocolate frog). By the time I turned around to thank him, he was gone. How nice is the kindness of strangers sometimes? I can’t think of the last time I experienced that. The chocolate didn’t help though, the crying just intensified, and there was now chocolate and snot everywhere – including down my pants. But it was done. Unfortunately for Jax, he cannot carry long hair. His hair is too straight and his crown is slightly off centre, so he just looks really scruffy when his hair grows. I dearly hope he doesn’t have dreams of becoming a surfer dude one day, because he definitely won’t be able to carry the locks that come with it. Ahh bloody kids I tell ya. He was lucky though – he got a new truck for his trauma and he looks extra handsome with short hair – shows off his big beautiful eyes. Hope I don’t have to do the next haircut though. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

There’s quite a perplexing advert on TV in Australia at the moment. It features an oldish dude, who you eventually realise is in a wheelchair, and he’s talking about what a pain in the arse he is, but he’s got a “friend” from community services who keeps him company, expects nothing from him, and he admits that he just loves him. As the ad comes to an end, you realise this “friend” is a beautiful Labrador dog. My first reaction was ‘isn’t that just lovely.’ I mean, the guide dog program is a phenomenal success and gives vision impaired people an amazing chance at a full life. And so it seems that idea has been expanded into Assistance Dogs Australia, which is designed to give people with disabilities freedom and independence. The dogs are trained to open doors, press crossing buttons, pick up things dropped, and so on, but they also give people confidence and independence – what is more important than that? But then I realised I had an issue with this program, because it’s such a shame that we live in a world where it’s even necessary. I remember Mother Theresa visited the UK and after everything she’d seen in India and the rest of the world, she found the loneliness of the West far more heart breaking than anything she had ever seen in “poor” countries. People are so lonely and so alone, which she extrapolated on by telling the story of one old lady who used to write letters to herself just so she received mail. We can all only hope that we are not so alone in our dotage huh? I do find it sad that we need this and if there were the funds, there are thousands of people who could do with canine company just to help them cope with their loneliness, but wouldn’t it be nice if everyone had the loving non-judgemental care and company they needed huh? The non-Western cultures of our world definitely have a better idea here – they take care of their own. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I’ve got to say, one of the biggest highlights of the Games for me has been the elite athletes with a disability (EAD) and this new title has shown the amazingly high regard these folks have gained in the sporting world – well bloody deserved I say. The integration of EADs happened at Manchester in 2002 and I’ve got to say, it has made the games even more fantastic for me, because bloody hell, these folks are incredible humans and I adore watching them compete. I enjoy watching the EAD competition as much as I enjoy any of the sports, but there is added emotional intensity watching these dudes as you can really appreciate the hurdles – both physical and emotional – that they’ve had to overcome to be there. Some have been born with disabilities and some have gotten them in life, so the first thing is coming to terms with the challenges this brings. The second issue is while they have the same dedication and are also required to sacrifice a lot to be one of the best in the world; there are considerable other challenges. Financially it must be enormously challenging as I’m sure there is nowhere near as much investment and sponsorship as able bodied athletes get access to, but equally, many need access to special facilities that take into account their disabilities which I’m sure aren’t common everywhere. Add to that travel logistics, and all of the other things we and able bodied athletes take for granted, then you can start to see how much admiration these guys and gals deserve. If I was a leg amputee I’d like to think that I could pick myself up and be someone greater, but I know that turning into a miserable bastard who felt sorry for myself is probably more likely. Who could ever know the challenges you face unless you are in their shoes… or wheels in some cases. More acceptance in the world towards people with disabilities, for me, represents a real maturity, or even evolution, for the human race. We seem to be moving beyond false values of physical “perfection” into a better world that values the human spirit above all else. It really does give me a lot of hope and is one of the reasons I love international sporting competition. Nothing else seems to capture the essence of greatness in humanity as much as sport can. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I definitely appreciate the science and research that goes into swimsuit designs for our international swimming stars around the world. The advancements have resulted in seconds being taken off world records and one can only wonder what they’ll come up with next. It’s pretty amazing. Anyhoo, while the science and research is impressive, how the girls look is not. The women’s suits are cut so deeply under their arms that if it was me in the suit there’d be tits hanging out all over the place! The other issue is the quality of the fabric really flattens the girls tits and make them look quite ugly. I think female swimmers have amazing physiques, but the suits do them no justice at all. Moving onto the men – and they aren’t unattractive – but my friend Dylan mentioned how low cut the men’s swim suits were. You know what, he’s right. I didn’t notice because I was too busy ogling the bodies – and male swimmers really do have LOVELY bodies – but the pants are so low, it’s amazing their bait and tackle doesn’t flop over the top every time they dive into the pool! I know some chicks would love that, but I have never found penis and co. particularly attractive to look at, however an odd stray dangler would certainly create a bit of additional entertainment in the pool. Maybe the designers could consider this in their next evolution? It’ll get the audience numbers up… maybe? So it’s thumbs up for the boys and a big thumb down for the girls… Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I asked Steve the other night what the attitude is to swimmers in the UK – I mean are swimmers famous? Did he remember growing up watching the swimming? Does he remember friends growing up dreaming of Olympic gold in the swimming? Is there an awareness of swimming like there is in Australia? He turned around to me and said ‘do you remember that ball we attended in Singapore during the Greece Olympics?’ Ummm which ball? Ahh the days we used to go to balls! Anyhoo his memory of that night is the moment when a tiny TV was wheeled out and everyone stopped eating, drinking and dancing to cluster around the TV to watch Grant Hackett swim the 1500 meters. He thought we were all nuts and could not believe it! So no, the English do not celebrate their swimming champions like we do, and if they did, they would probably be quite competitive in the pool on a much deeper level – not taking anything away from some of the great swims we’ve seen by the Poms at this Commonwealth Games – they’re definitely improving. The Scotts have been great too. But if the Poms really want to make a go of swimming and compete right across the board, then they’ve got to do what we do – make stars out of their swimmers. If you are a great swimmer in Australia, you will get a car sponsorship and probably be driving around in an MX5 as soon as you get your licence, you will find yourself the face of a famous food brand – like Uncle Tobies or a trendy new health food brand, you’ll be the face of a makeup, shoe or clothing brand, you’ll co-host shows, there’ll be magazine articles about you and your wedding + any babies will definitely be feature articles, you’ll do the speaking circuit, and so much more – yes Aussie swimmers, the good ones or the characters, are really famous people in these parts. So for any country wanting to build their swim team – or any other team – you’ve got to make your people famous, because if you do that, young people will want to be like them and they will then have something fantastic to aim for. It’s a simple strategy but it works in Australia. Oh and Poms, Steve said, to give you an idea of how our swimming stars are perceived, that it’s not unlike your football/soccer stars. However I find that hard to believe, because our swimmers don’t earn anywhere near the mega bucks and certainly couldn’t afford to put all that powder up their noses, but that’s what a fellow Pom reckons. I definitely don’t see our swimmers as flashy enough and they’re usually pretty down to earth kind of folk – so no, I don’t compare them to your football stars. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea