Andrea Edwards

A little while ago I posted a blog on Billy Idol, where I mentioned the quality of mates my older brother had growing up, and I think this needs some elaboration. As any teenage girl with an older brother would expect, big bros mates should be the first opportunity for cherry popping right? Sadly not for me. I remember two of them, Malcolm and his brother, who used to come over and hang out all the time. A various assortment of others would come by, but these two made up the main posse and they were the ones who we think stole Mum’s engagement ring. You could always tell when they were in the house, because about 15 feet from the living room you would walk in to a wall of body odour so intense, it nearly made you puke. All the lads would sit around on the lounge, smoking, eating and watching Chuck Norris-esque movies, talking bollocks, scratching their balls, farting and where they sat would stink for hours afterwards. Apart from being unwashed with greasy hair, they were also rather unattractive by my definition. I usually just got the hell out whenever they were around. It’s important to note that my brother was never smelly, in fact he is almost obsessive with his cleanliness. If you walk towards Paul the chances are you’ll be swamped with French aftershave – Channel has been an enduring favourite. Paul has always had nose issues and thus, he can’t smell very well so he makes up for it with excessive aftershave use, but I’d always prefer that to bad body odour. I could imagine Pauls’ mates bedrooms – unwashed sheets, jocks sticking to the walls, piles of leftover food, dirty washing, tissues dabbled around the room, black curtains, dim lighting, dust on every surface… you get the picture. You can almost smell it. YUK! I never understood how young guys could live this way, but they do. I haven’t met Paul’s recent bunch of mates, but I don’t expect much improvement. The shit hit the fan a little while back when they robbed Mum’s house, called Mum and threatened to rape her (nice huh?), and hung around threatening both of them, making general pains in the arse of themselves. The cops got involved and I’m still not sure what it was all about or if anything legal ever happened to these guys. I think there was a sexual misdemeanour that finally put one in a cage. Oh the quality. I don’t know why Paul attracts such useless twats into his life, but he certainly has a gift for it. I often wonder how many of his past friends have spent time in jail – because it certainly has to be the majority. He’s an interesting fella my big brother Paul and he’s got a heart of gold. Most don’t get him, many deride him, but his heart is usually in the right place and that’s what’s important right? Hey he’s my brother and in a strange kind of way, he’s been a great and very interesting part of my life. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

There’s a lot of stuff I could comment on regarding the tedious shit a parent endures, especially in these toddler/pre-school years, because there really is just a lot of tedious shit to endure. BUT I think the thing I hate the most is the standing around… wait a minute, maybe it’s not the thing I hate most, because of course there is whining and nagging… Anyways, I’m at an indoor playroom with the boys right now, and most of the time I bring some work to keep me sane, while also playing with the boys throughout the time we’re here, although more often than not my role is to stop them doing something dangerous. Don’t get me wrong, I love playing with the boys, but seven days a week/365 days a year my imagination and enthusiasm is certainly lacking a lot of the time, probably because I HAVE to do it and almost certainly because they woke me up at 5am! The other factor that makes it challenging is a lack of focus. It’s getting better, but the only activities that keep my lads focused are swimming, climbing, running, throwing rocks and of course, TV. Trains, trucks, cars., bikes, scooters and balls are getting a longer run too – so it’s getting better, slowly, very slowly. But most of the time I am at playgrounds, or by rivers, or anywhere really, just standing around making sure the boys don’t get into trouble. Sometimes they actually want me to participate in their activities, but a lot of the time they just want to do what they want to do and would prefer it if mum just pissed off. You feel so valued let me tell you. I came to the conclusion, quite some time ago, that I’m not a children’s entertainer. I play with the boys every day, but I don’t enjoy entertaining them – I figure that’s something they should be sorting out for themselves. I know a lot of mums who feel the same. For the last 18 months or so, I’ve done a lot of standing around by myself, especially with Steve away so much. Even in Singapore I didn’t join any mothers groups (which was probably a mistake) and I don’t know many people where we’re living now, so most of the time it’s just me and the lads, doing stuff and I’m completely bored out of my brain. I see gangs of mum’s hanging out together while their kids play, and others with family around helping out. I don’t have any of that and it’s really hard sometimes, but the hardest part of all for me is the mind numbingness of it all. I know I have to be active up top l’est I go mad, but maybe it’s already too late and I have gone mad? I adore my boys and love nothing better than being inspired to play with them, but most of the time I’m just getting through. Right now I have to discipline Lex for being a turd to his grandma. Finally I have someone around for a few weeks and the boys want nothing to do with their English grandparents (yet,) constantly being horrible little shits – cool. People keep telling me that it will get better, and it already has, but bloody hell, I don’t think anyone could have forewarned me about how tedious a lot of this time could be. And I’m not even talking about meal times, cleaning up toys and mess, boggy nappies, nap times, etc, etc, etc… I know I’m a good mum but I honestly couldn’t say I enjoy it all the time. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I don’t like to get too opinionated about the rules of other nations in regards to women, because we can never truly understand the culture they live in and therefore, our standards can hardly be applied, but I thought this was a little interesting. In order that women don’t engage with “unrelated men,” the Kingdom’s Governing Body of Clerics has issued a Fatwa against women working as check out chicks. This is a country where women are at almost 30 per cent unemployment and a country with a future post-oil that is looking bleak. I like this statement “It is necessary to keep away from places where men congregate. Women should look for decent work that does not make it possible for them to attract men or be attracted by men.” Maybe they can all join a convent? I’m so glad I wasn’t born in a place like this and my heart goes out to any woman trying to have more freedom. Keep up the fight girls. Us girls in the West have kind of made it after years of heartache – although we’ve still got a lot to do. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

Steve and I had completely opposite parenting experiences. Steve’s was along the lines of you can play with one toy and one toy only, and you had to put it away in the cupboard once designated playtime was over. My childhood was more along the lines of piss off outside (with no sun block or hat) and don’t come inside until you’re called. Most evenings were spent in boiling hot showers to deal with horrendous sunburn – yeah burns and hot water, hello! In our house we could go anywhere and do anything as long as we didn’t disturb our folks. One could say Steve’s childhood was of absolute control and mine was of absolute freedom but neither were what we would call ideal. We certainly don’t intend to raise our lads on either model. Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t bad childhoods and there are aspects we both appreciate, but more that we laugh about. In truth, I loved my childhood. Anyways, one comparison that came up last night was a discussion around car sickness. Neither of us ever got it – our guts are rock solid – but Steve’s sister Sam got it real bad, and my sister Phillipa got it bad too. So did one of my brothers, but I can’t remember which one – think it was Mark. To give you an idea of the opposite childhoods we had, here’s how both families’ dealt with car sickness. Steve’s family prepared for all car journeys’ hours/days in advance and a plethora of plastic bags were pre-packed in handy to reach compartments. The moment Sam got even remotely nauseous, the car was pulled over (The M5, highways, country lanes, where ever necessary), plastic bags distributed and the puking got under way. My family, all tightly packed into a small car with me and the non-travel sick brother squished in the middle, usually heading up the mountains to ski or to check out an art gallery hundreds of kilometres away, dealt with things slightly differently. Phillipa and Mark just put their heads out the window and spewed. Every return trip was finalised with a spraying down of the car. Naturally when you discuss these sorts of things, Steve was horrified at how my family handled it and I was horrified at how Steve’s family handled it. My families’ way makes total sense to me – otherwise we would never have gotten anywhere, but Steve’s families’ way makes total sense to him – they just took hours even going down the street. It can be so bizarre comparing experiences of childhood and while I do think that even the worst parents thought they were doing their best, it is bloody funny how our parents handled situations. It definitely makes you wonder what you’ll be remembered for once you take on the mantle of parent. Who knows what our boys will talk about to their future partners regarding what we did? One thing I can definitely guarantee is if they are pukers, they’ll be putting their heads out the window. Oh and the other thing Steve and I have agreed is that Christmas from now on will be five star and we both plan to get wasted and throw the boys in the pool afterwards. Should make interesting comparisons to other kids doing the traditional Christmas…. So how was your puking handled? And who wants to join us for Christmas? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I was reading an article in Australian Women’s Health about going vego, something I’ve been wanting to do but my husband ain’t so keen. He’s not one of those “where’s the fucken meat?” kind of guys, but he doesn’t really like the idea of going without it. The boys also love their meat – especially Jax – so it’s a bit of a challenge for me right now. In the meantime, I’m eating more and more vego meals whenever I can, so slowly, slowly. Anyways, when I was in Singapore about six months ago, I noticed a campaign “go vegetarian and save the planet” – interesting but I didn’t really think about it much after that. Then I was reading this article on going vego and did you know that 40 per cent of global warming can be attributed to farmed foods? That’s amazing! And people get up in arms over air travel, but it doesn’t even come close. It is the methane (or pooh dust as we like to call it in our house thanks to my sister,) from cows and sheep, causing all this ruckus and that’s because we consume an incredible amount of meat. The ideal amount for a woman is about 50KG a year – so a little more than a super model weighs. Currently the average woman – in Australia at least – is eating about 116KG of meat – so that’s a chunky man with nice muscles or one with a large beer paunch. A frightening amount of meat whatever way you look at it. I have to apologise to the lads, as this info was from a chic’s mag, there were no details for you fellas, but I’m sure you could probably double it. One initiative that’s been kicked off, and you probably already know about it but I’m obviously out of the loop, is Meatless Monday’s. I thought right, we can do that easily, so Steve came home on Monday to veggie pasta and he liked it. My challenge now is working out vego meals that we can all eat and enjoy more often, but in the meantime, veggie pasta once a week is definitely something I can do. Although to keep things interesting, it’s probably time to buy some veggie cookbooks. You know we can recycle everything, use those fancy light bulbs, put on water saving shower heads, but if we eat meat every day, we’re not really making a difference. Methane is more damaging than CO2 emissions, because it is 62 per cent more potent, and over lengthy periods that starts to add up. I know it’s relevant to any discussion where cutting out meat is concerned, but I’m not even going to talk about farming techniques. It’s such a big topic in its own right and I only try to buy great meat anyway. But that’s still no guarantee I haven’t eaten one of those animals that can’t reach its food because it can’t walk due to its overly large breasts, or extended rump, or…. Right that’s it. I’m jumping on the bandwagon to save the planet with less meat, but also because it’s just healthier too. Anyone wanna to join me who isn’t already? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I love their style – check this out. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

My great mate Libs mentioned a new trend doing the rounds at luxury spas these days – apparently you can smoke your vagina. My first reaction was yuck, and then about two seconds later I started to find it curiously intriguing. But where the hell does an idea like this come from? So I did a bit of research. Now when one enters the search words “vaginal smoking” or “smoking vaginas” into Google! you certainly get an interesting assortment of articles, as well as images of bald vaginas with cigarettes hanging out – lovely. Can you imagine a more perfect way to start the day than looking at a strangers’ flange? I’m obviously behind the times, because this has been going on for centuries, but finding real information on the Javanese custom of smoking your vagina (Java is in Indonesia if you don’t know) was slightly more challenging, and ultimately very repetitive, with no real background to speak of. From what I can gather, it’s a Javanese Royal custom, and the Javanese princesses throughout history have smoked their vaginas prior to wedding nights, as well as for special occasions – lucky men! Incense smoke is placed under your sarong to remove unpleasant odours and to reduce discharge. Or you can sit naked on a chair, with a hole in the appropriate place, and underneath the hole is placed a burning bowl of seeds and herbs, wafting smoke up into your vagina, which should stimulate and disinfect the region. Now what I want to know is does this custom come from pride in the vagina or shame in the vagina? As many societies attest to, the majority of cultures, no matter how primitive or advanced, have very specific “taboos” in regards to the vagina that tend to ensure it is something hidden and not discussed. It’s a long time since women sat in “red tents” sharing the woman’s time of the month, and even the aboriginals in Australia are reputed to have sent their women up a tree for the duration of their monthlies. They got a break I guess. If you actually read some of the research coming out, approximately 4 out of 10 women in Western Societies are ashamed of their vags’ and that the majority of us never look at them and don’t even know what a “normal” one looks like. The good news is there is no “normal” – they’re big, medium, small, outies, innies, some look like flowers and others look like untidy kebabs. There is no unity in the vagina and if you think yours is ugly, your dream vagina was probably significantly doctored in the photo you found and not even a possibility in the hands of the greatest plastic surgeon on the planet. So time to get happy with your snatch and it is recommended that to befriend it (and to improve your sex life) you name it…. something to think about. There is no question that vaginas are a much sort after accoutrement for most men, but there has always been a lot of shame, silence and taboo around the vag. It’s amazing really, more than half the world has them and still there is so much bollocks around it. So my question – is vaginal smoking a celebration of the vagina or is it because the Javanese princesses who started this custom are ultimately ashamed of their vaginas? I don’t have any Javanese friends to ask, otherwise I would, but if anyone can shed any light, that would be ace. In the meantime, anyone want to join me for an extended spa treatment in Bali? I wouldn’t mind a bit of a break. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

In 1991 I made the worst decision I’ve ever made and the best. I joined the Australian Army. I was recruited as a musician and it was the worst decision because the Army and I ain’t a great combo, but also the best because I learnt lessons about people that have made me more understanding of every type of human ever since. The military certainly attracts the full diaspora of any society… In the early days of my army time, I had to do three months basic training and it was a hideous time, although strangely satisfying, and that experience will stay with me forever. At that time, nearly 20 years ago (yikes!), it was still illegal to be gay in the military. My corporal and two out of the other three female corporals in charge of us recruits were lessos, but it wasn’t widely discussed or acknowledged. I just knew. Anyhoo while we were in basic training one of them got “discovered” for being a carpet muncher (how, I don’t know?) and she was immediately put under house arrest, along with her girlfriend who was also in the army. They couldn’t leave the house, certainly couldn’t be seen together and they were treated like shit – it was a disgusting way to treat any human being and definitely victimisation at its ugliest. In the end, they were kicked out of the Army, which was a shame because they both loved it. Definitely an eye opener witnessing that. Not long after that, ‘the don’t ask don’t tell’ policy came into being and it’s stayed pretty much the same ever since. Apparently 29 nations allow gay recruits, including Israel, Canada, Germany and Sweden, so the precedent has been set, but some governments remain pathetic in fighting this battle and still don’t have the guts to make it legal. Then again, a lot of the 29 countries’ have compulsory military service, so it’s already a little different for them. If they were anti-gay, everyone would claim being homosexual just to miss out on their military service. But don’t ask don’t tell is better than nothing and at least gay people who want to be in the military have been able to do it without being victimised – well victimisation still happens, but it’s a little bit of progress. So now the argument comes up again in the US – this time the fight for legalisation – and a California judge, Virginia Phillips, has ruled that the policy is illegal and has ordered a global injunction to halt it. Now homosexuals in the US can join the military and admit that they are gay, BUT as an appeal is highly likely , anyone who does admit it will probably be kicked out once this happens. So don’t ask don’t tell still stands. The thing that shits me about it is the argument against accepting gay recruits. I actually think it’s the same as the argument against women in the “proper” military, which only happened in the 70s and 80s, but in reverse. For example, the main bollocks that came up from my fellow male soldiers was along the lines of “imagine being in war and you have to share sleeping quarters with a gay? They might try and shag you!” Not only would a musician never be in that situation, but hello, what an ignorant comment to make in the first place! And the other I used to love “what if they’re senior to you, they might force themselves on you?” Well as we can see, with women in the US war machine properly for the first time in modern history, rape of female soldiers is very high, so I’m not worried about the gay recruits, the straight ones are far more dangerous. The reality is, gay people are just like anyone else, they just tend to have a preference for the same sex and generally that preference is towards gay people of that sex, not just anyone with the appropriate appendage. They are no threat to anyone, are not “sick”, and they’re as keen to fight for their country as anyone else. You know what, with the state of chaos the world is currently in; people in the military should be welcoming them with open arms. They need the numbers and they’ll fight as hard as anyone else, until the day comes when military is no longer a necessity. I hope that day comes soon. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

It’s official, Australia has its first Saint, which according to my brother “it’s about bloody time.” My mother has travelled to Rome to enjoy the festivities and while I don’t know how she’s doing, she did Facebook me to say she was having dinner on Lake Galilee as part of her Holy Land pilgrimage. But she’s in Rome now and I keep looking out for her in the crowd – because she would be quite obvious if the cameras got hold of her – but no luck so far. Ahhh imagine the fun times they’re having? Actually, they do look like they’re having a blast in a nun-like-Christian-kind-of-way, so here’s to Mary Mackillop – the first Australian Saint. It’s actually quite a big deal for a lot of people. And Mum, please don’t make me call Interpol again? Last time she was in Europe, Kathryn managed to sabotage an American born again Christian bus doing the religious rounds of Europe and just disappeared for two weeks…. From an ex-Catholic, and as always, yours, without the bollocksAndrea

Bummer, the end has come for the Commonwealth Games in Delhi and we’re going to miss it. Steve and I have loved tucking up in bed, enjoying moments of pure sporting magic – it’s been bliss. However, we’re also glad the big games are only every two years, because it’s bloody knackering watching TV late at night with the lads waking up so early. I reckon the Games have been awesome, although I have found the media coverage both quite amusing and yet highly ignorant – there’s been so much negative bullshit: the pool water is making the swimmers sick, they’re all getting Delhi belly, the toilets are dirty, there’s dust on the road for the cyclists, there’s moths in the pool, too many bugs on the track, etc, etc, etc… Its all been very uniform coverage too, demonstrating that very few journos dare to stand up and be different. The majority have probably never left their home country before. At least the athletes ignored the bullshit and got stuck into competing, I mean is there any such thing as an ideal competitive environment anyway? Everywhere has its challenges and I’ve loved the exposure the games have given India. It’s a remarkable country – the most remarkable country on the planet in my experience. Everything assaults you in India – sight, sound, smell, hearing, etc… just the sheer scale of humanity you contend with every day is something special, especially if you come from somewhere as sparse as Australia. You know, two people fucked it up – Suresh Kalmadi and his sidekick Lalit Bhanot – they’re the dudes with ultimate responsibility and they didn’t get it right. So now they’re suffering the embarrassment of failure, their faces are smothered with egg and their corrupt practises have been exposed – that’s great. However, let’s forget about them and focus on the great stuff. As with most countries hosting something on this scale, when the shit hit the fan, everyone in Delhi came together and put on some fantastic games – hiccups included. That is what we should be focusing on – not the idiots who fucked stuff up. To err is human after all and with all the chaos, I reckon it added to the ‘show’ and I absolutely loved it. Perfection is boring after all. I just hope other non western Commonwealth countries are willing to step up and host it in the future. Exposure to cultures different to our own gives us a much deeper understanding of each other, and if we can appreciate each other and the differences between people, then we have a greater chance of real peace in the world. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea PS obviously living with a Pom and the pretty strong anti-Pom sentiment on the TV round these parts – i.e. “we’re Aussies and we just love beating the Poms” to which my husband says “what the fuck?” I thought it might be worth adding a final thought. The rivalry between Australia and the UK definitely goes both ways and after the UK beat Australia at the Olympics in Beijing for the first time in many years, I think a lot of Aussies are pretty pleased with our result at these Games – we came out on top once again. However, “victory” (that is essentially victory over the Poms) is definitely not certain at the London Olympics in 2012 because host nations always do well and the “Poms” officially won more medals than the Aussies at the Commonwealth Games anyway – although Australia still won more Gold. Taking into account that the Olympics will be the combined force of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland + some small places like the Isle of Man, the medal tally actually stands as this. Just for anyone who’s interested…. Australia – Gold: 74 Silver: 55 Bronze 48 = 177United Kingdom – Gold: 51 Silver: 79 Bronze: 69 = 199