Andrea Edwards

At some point, I will do a TED Talk about the journey we’ve been on with Lex. I believe it’s a really important message to get out there, because what I’ve witnessed has often been very disconcerting, upsetting, and to be frank – just bloody downright wrong!   While we’ve had access to incredible teachers and resources (mainly because we could afford to pay for it) I don’t think the “system” is working for all children and it’s certainly not letting kids like Lex evolve into all they can be. It has been the most brutal experience of my life, and I share this perspective broadly. It’s a global issue.    If you know me, you’ll know this is something I’m extremely passionate about sharing, because we’ve got to change things. Equally, based on the hundreds of responses my blogs receive from parents all over the world, who are going through similar challenges to what we’ve faced, I believe that sharing this story is important. It might start a broader conversation, which is all I hope for.   But to get ready for a TED Talk you’ve got to have an amazing speech. And you’ve got to practise and practise, tweak it, refine it and refine it again. Let me tell you one thing –  just thinkingabout doing a TED Talk one day makes my palms sweat!   Nevertheless, I have started preparing and practising it. Not in the way I finally plan to deliver it, but it’s giving me confidence in the message I’m sharing, as I gain feedback from the audience after I speak. At this session I saw people laughing and crying when I spoke, and then afterwards, Stephanie Dickson told me she had Goosebumps three times – I reckon that’s pretty cool.   Before I show you the speech, I absolutely must acknowledge Brenda Bence in all of this. I had the privilege of being mentored by Brenda late last year and early this year as part of the Asia Professional Speakers Singapore mentoring program. When I first presented my ideas and ramblings, Brenda quickly got me into line and focused. I will always value that time we had together. I use the tips she taught me every time I get on stage now and Brenda is an incredible person. Thank you Brenda! Such a blessing in my life.   This isn’t the first version of this speech, it’s the second. I was far too nervous first time around and the style here is more me – relaxed – as you’ll see.   Thank you Stephanie Dickson and the incredible team at www.thewedge.asia for inviting me to be part of your one-year anniversary celebrations. You are doing such amazing work. Also a great job by Craftsmenon filming and The Working Capitol is a superb venue.   If you know me, you’ll know that the sharing of this video would normally happen after I put hot pins in my eyes. I see every failing and hear every fault. I always have. But I’ve been living on the hairy edge outside of my comfort zone for a couple of years now, so why stop…. I can’t change the world if I hide.   If you take the time to watch it, I would love to know what you think? Well I think I would… This is all very close to my heart.   Yours, without the bollocks Andrea   BTW I’m on Twitter here, Google+ here, Instagram here, and Facebook too, if you’re interested in the other stuff I share. Feel free to share my blog if you think anyone you know will be interested or entertained. I sure do appreciate it when you do xxxxx

I’ve got to tell you, for the last few months, I’ve been getting really depressed about the state of the world, and while there are many aspects that concern me greatly, Donald Trump has definitely been at the very top of the greatly concerned pile. The world cannot afford to have this man in power. He is dangerous, ignorant and downright repugnant. Perhaps there is truth to the personality disorder prognosis, but whatever happens, the possibility of him being President will send the world in a direction I don’t think we can survive right now. Roll the clocks back two weeks and it didn’t look like it would stop. It was getting worse. He was creeping ahead in the polls. And the rest of us concerned citizens around the world (all deeply impacted by American policies and actions) were sitting there thinking – what the bloody fuck America??!! Oh please, no. No!   And then this last week or so, something happened, in fact, quite a lot happened. Every day a new headline.  Everyday you’re fucking kidding me? Everyday scrolling through your Facebook feed wondering what the hell has he said now? Crikey! Yes he really did say that. No one else is to blame, just The Donald, shooting his mouth off again and again – reacting, spiteful, out of control. It all started with the repulsive response to the grieving Khan family… Loving babies one minute and kicking them out of his rally for crying the next… Accepting a Purple Heart from a Veteran and saying that was easier… Exclaiming strong women don’t get sexually harassed and that they should leave their job if they do ‘cos his daughter Ivanka would… Saying Putin wasn’t in Crimea yet… The so-called top secret footage of cash being delivered in Iran to free hostages, except it wasn’t… His wife’s visa being brought into question… something one would think they’d have sorted out before throwing their hat in the Presidential ring. How did it come out? An article of Melania nude, unfortunately showing a date that uncovered her potential illegal presence at that time. However, I’d like to point out with this article on Melania – I am 100% against any slut shaming. I don’t care who the woman is, it’s never OK… And then he wouldn’t endorse senior Republicans who had endorsed him – aka Paul Ryan and John McCain… He brought up Megyn Kelly’s blood comments again… um dickhead, let that one die, because most people had forgot about it. Most, not all… Saying the election would be rigged… um how?… And let’s not forget The Donald asking about nuclear weapons three times in an hour’s security briefing… apparently unverified, but we heard his thoughts on Nuclear Weapons out of his own mouth. No cards off the table apparently…   And others have had enough  The former CIA acting directorgoing on record and saying no way he’d support Trump – something he has never ever done before, spoken publicly about presidential candidates… The military personnel coming out and shaming him as they should… Some Republicans finally having the balls to stand up and say they’re voting for Hillary – but not enough yet… Warren Buffet’s challenge…. Meg Whitman saying enough… Harvard’s Republican Club Says It Won’t Endorse Trump – first time in 128 years… Even Will Smith got in on the action, saying his grandma would’ve smacked the teeth out of his mouth if he spoke about women the way Donald does, and yet, there are women who support him, apparently attracted to his power… And some other media outlets got up his arse too, and let’s face it, this is not an easy election for the media – how can you be impartial? Except for Fox news, they’re on his side. What the hell Murdoch? Have you lost touch with reality completely? Perhaps Jerry has you distracted… On The Donald, I can recommend this delightful piece and this one The Week They Decided Donald Trump Was Crazy. Of course, how did we ever get to this place? How did a demagogue like Trump ever get this far? Well according to Scientists, Earth is Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans – that sounds about right. For the first time in my life, I have to admit, we’ve got to stop basing decisions on feelings and start looking at the facts. The facts. Interesting those things. What do you think? Has this been a good week for you? Do you feel more optimistic about the future now? Trump’s done right? Or is he deliberately fucking it up, as many are predicting? It’s only a matter of time yes? Although he has been quiet for a few days… I don’t think that’s good. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea   Images courtesy of Shutterstock. BTW I’m on Twitter here, Google+ here, Instagram here, and Facebook too, if you’re interested in the other stuff I share. Feel free to share my blog if you think anyone you know will be interested or entertained. I sure do appreciate it when you do xxxxx

The hardest piece of news to come out of Nice for me, was the story of an eyewitness describing a baby’s body with its head crushed by the truck. What sort of a monster does this? How can this baby’s parents (if they survived) endure this pain? And for all parents all over the world – regardless of country, race or religion – facing similar horrors, none should ever be put in a position to endure this agony. It’s just too awful for words. And who won in Nice? The Far Right, led by Le Pen, that’s who. And the Far Right is rising everywhere. That should concern all of us greatly. Of course ISIS (Daesh) claimed it, but this claim isn’t stacking up, even if the French President is jumping on the radicalization bandwagon now. He must. His government is at risk. Please read this great piece featured in the New Yorker this weekend – What We Know About the Attacker in Nice. No doubt we can’t seem to cope with lone wolfs or nutters. You can’t do anything about them. You can’t predict them. It’s adding a whole new dimension to our current time of crisis. There is no question in my mind that our world is in chaos and the politics of division and hatred are tearing us apart. We’re all enduring Trump, but did any of us see Brexit coming? Australia elected Pauline Hanson (a pathetic racist), and there are many other unstable political situations around the world demonstrating one thing. Fear is winning. And then the bombs go off. In Istanbul, in Iraq, or the terrible, graphic massacre in Bangladesh. We mourned the victims of the Orlando shooting by a person who appears to be a confused homophobe, and couldn’t believe it when a monster set off bombs in Saudi Arabia at its most holy place, during its most holy time! Cops kill black men in America and then cops get killed by a black man in return. Turkey is just overcoming a military coup where too many civilians died. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Horrible people are committing horrible crimes, and they are winning. Fear is winning. It’s awful. Hope feels a long way away and I have always believed in the best of people, always. The vast majority of people are essentially good – no matter where they are from, what religion they follow, or who they love – but there are monsters amongst us. A small handful of bastards who want to drive the world into chaos and drive us apart. And they are winning. We all talk about the threat of ISIS or Daesh and more often than not, they are just claiming involvement. And we lap it up. We believe the media – especially if a Muslim was involved. Only Muslim’s commit terrorism, didn’t you know? Bollocks! And yet fear is a lucrative business. Money, oil, drugs, weapons…. There are many people getting very wealthy while we all cower in fear behind what, safe walls. Really? There haven’t been safe walls since weapons capable of travelling thousands of miles were invented, let alone nuclear weapons. But it’s not just weapons for foreign wars “Since 9/11, the Department of Homeland Security alone has doled out somewhere between $30 billion and $40 billion in direct grants to state and local law enforcement, as well as other first responders.” Look at the police uniforms. Is this really necessary? Are we accepting a police state as normal? And who is benefitting here? The weapons manufacturers? You betcha they are!   I believe we’re teetering very close to war and in war, it is always the little man who dies. The voting public who listen to the media and are influenced by ignorant thinking are always the ones destined for the front line (or their children or grandchildren if they are too old). This demographic is always the cannon fodder of war. They will passionately support war and they will die. It’s how it goes. We often look back at history and wonder how the hell did it happen? How did the Nazi’s get an entire country behind it’s horrific extermination of the Jews? How did the Rwandan genocide happen, where one-day, people woke up and hacked their neighbours to death? It was a slow and insidious process that’s how. It happens step-by-step. Fear-by-fear. That’s how it succeeds. Slowly, the consciousness of the people is filled with this frightening “otherness” and then everything explodes. Can we not see that we are heading in the same direction? Could you see yourself hacking to death the lovely Muslim family living down your road right now? Don’t think you’re capable of it? We have thousands of years of history to show that we are all capable of it. We just need to be a fed a reason and there is none more powerful than the idea of ensuring the safety and survival of one’s family. Afterwards, we’ll cower in shame and guilt that it happened in our country. We’ll lick our wounds, pull our country back together, and eventually, heal as nations. A new “Anne Frank” book will be published and consumed for generations, all trying to learn the lesson. But do we ever really heal from atrocity? Do we ever really learn the lesson? Unfortunately, I don’t think so. I am definitely concerned we are teetering towards WWIII. The first two wars started somewhere far away too, and before we knew it, the whole world was engulfed – in separateness and the full ugliness of humanity turned against each other. We turned a blind eye in the build-up then, are we turning a blind eye now? Let’s look at the refugee’s crisis. Babies are drowning, freezing, being sold into slavery and these future slaves will know nothing else, because their parents are long-dead and cruel people are seizing on this opportunity to snatch innocent lives away. I believe we need to

It’s Father’s Day in Singapore and it’s so nice to be able to celebrate this day with my boys to honour the most beautiful dad I could ever hope for my kids.   Seriously, I know everyone reckons their husband is the best dad ever, but I hit the jackpot with Steve. I read Stephen Biddulph’s ‘Raising Boys’ when my lads were little. In it he writes that mum has her boys until six, dad from 6-12 and then they belong to the world.     I cannot tell you how lucky I feel that during this age, their dad is very very present.    Working from home, Steve works his arse off when the boys are at school and then he stops everything to do homework and take them to their various sporting activities. On the weekends, he’s always out and about, going on adventures, making sure they have a blast.   Naturally the boys have no bloody idea how remarkable this is. Often the only dad at school, he’s always there, always present, always making sure the boys are number one in his life. It’s pure magic to watch and one day, my little dudes are going to realize that they have a very special dad indeed.     It’s not easy being a present dad. He is always the recipient of their ingratitude. He is told he is hated on a daily basis. He is told “this is the worst day ever” regularly too. Man that shit cuts deep when you are putting everything into your kids, but he never gives up, never steps back. He’s in it and those boys are going to love him for that. Well they already do, but they also know words are powerful and can really, reallyhurt. Bloody kids.   Both Steve and I have worked hard to build a life where we can work in a way that means we can be present for our kids. The last four years have been brutal for me, having to go back to regular work, where I was required to be in an office most days. I can not tell you how miserable that made me. I needed freedom. I needed to work on my terms. I needed to work where I wanted to work and when I needed to work. I needed to be able to attend school stuff too, without feeling guilty about it.   I needed what the future promise of work is. I just needed it before the world of work was ready to offer it completely. That reality is getting closer. I love technology for that.   So in the last couple of months, it’s been nice to step back into that dream. I needed to do what I did work-wise, to give me the exposure to get where I ultimately wanted to go, but it was hard. Really hard. I wasn’t born for a normal work-life. Maybe it’s because my dad always worked at home as an artist? I saw another way along time ago.   But being back in an office was so much easier knowing that Steve was home taking up the slack. Now we are sharing the load a little more and the boys seem to like having me around more too. I’m sure they’ll be hating on me soon. Bless them.   So thank you Steve for being a magical dad. Thank you also for teaching me that true love means to serve. I know it’s not always easy, but the time you are investing in our little loves will set them up to be the great men we want them to be in the world. It’ll be all down to you. That’s the magic of a great dad.   I am always thankful for the dad I had growing up, and now I’m thankful for the dad you are for Lex and Jax. They are lucky buggers and we all love you.   So who reckons they’ve got a better dad?   Yours without the bollocks Andrea BTW I’m on Twitter here, Google+ here, Instagram here, and Facebook too, if you’re interested in the other stuff I share. Feel free to share my blog if you think anyone you know will be interested or entertained. I sure do appreciate it when you do xxxxx

A lovely new lady by the name of Vivi started working as a live-in helper with our family recently. For many of my friends around the world the idea is just weird. I understand. It was certainly weird when we hired Vick back in 2007.   But living the life we live in Singapore requires an extra set of hands. Singapore isn’t like Australia, the UK or other Western countries. Professionals regularly have to travel for extended periods of time – Steve’s on the road for weeks constantly at the moment! And while I don’t currently travel as much as Steve, the working hours here are longer and evening obligations more plentiful. When I was employed, it was rare for me to be home before 7pm every night.   There is also no after-school care at our boy’s schools in Singapore, and essentially, without a full-time live in helper, we can’t do what we do. Not to mention, living in another country there is no grandma or aunt down the road to step in when timing gets tight! It’s a necessity. While a lot of friends are not used to this lifestyle and often think we’ve got it super easy having someone doing the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc… it really just opens up our time to work longer hours.   There is definitely one benefit though. Having everything taken care of on the home front means that when you do have downtime, you spend it with your family. That’s one bit I really like.  Although all of my downtime in the last few years has been about building my personal brand so when the time was right, I was in a strong position to launch my business. That is happening right now. I’ve launched my business and it’s all cylinders firing.   But I couldn’t do it without backup. And that brings me to the main topic of this little blog. We interviewed a handful of ladies to replace our last helper, Aunty Jona. When I first interviewed for helpers back in 2007 I found the whole interview process extremely painful. I had no idea what to ask them to get a sense of who they were, so I could know if they were right for our family. I also got it wrong a lot. Really wrong. Some just aren’t a match, and it’s definitely a case of luck.   In fact, when we hired Vick in 2007, the main reason I was determined to hire her was because she was a smart arse and took the piss out of Steve! The rest of the girls wouldn’t have dreamed of doing that. They didn’t believe they ever could. The sense that they were powerless broke my heart.   Besides that, I needed someone strong. Powerful. In control. How could anyone handle the boys in my absence if they didn’t have strength of character?   Vick was with us for six years and we hit the jackpot with her. Amazing.   Since she left to go home to the Philippines, it’s been hard to replace her. Our expectations are very high, and that’s a challenge. We’ve had a few ladies come and go because they just didn’t work out. However, the main thing I struggle with is lack of care. I know it’s a job for these girls, but for me, it’s my family. It can’t be just a job.   It’s challenging, because how can I expect anything else from them? That’s where Vick spoilt us.   This time around in the interviews, the girls had more fire in their soul. There was one lady we both adored. She was beautiful and serene (but too quiet for our lads), however when we asked what her expectations were, she said one thing: “please don’t ever scold me.” Bless her. As if we ever would.   Overall, on this round of interviews, I found all of the girls more powerful. Some were interviewing because they were unhappy with their current employers. You never used to see that. Most would stay employed for years in unhappy situations because they thought they had no choice.   Many still get terrified of not being able to find a job, because they don’t want to be forced to go home. These ladies sustain entire, extended families on their salaries, so staying employed is critical.   As we interviewed more and more ladies, always from the Philippines, I wondered if it is the economic boom their country is experiencing that is making a difference. More opportunities to work are opening up at home, and that means they may not have to stay away from their families for years at a time, as they have been forced to do.   I didn’t grow up in a part of the world where I needed to leave my children to earn money to help give them the best opportunities for their future. A future based on a great education that opens up different possibilities for their kids. Real opportunities.   I have to say it destroys me that so many ladies around the world have to leave their kids behind to help raise other people’s children. It’s why we work so hard to make sure the ladies who are working for us earn good money and feel valued in their role. It’s super important to us that they feel this way, because we value the role they have in our lives.   They really are an amazing part of this economy and the success of Singapore has been built off the back of these women – as well as the men coming from developing countries to build this gorgeous city.   Check out this video on the construction of Singapore, if you haven’t seen it.   All of this helper stuff is not easy for me. I struggle with the need every single day, but then I know that we can’t live here without it.   The solace I take from this

For the last couple of days, I had the privilege to attend the Asia Professional Speakers SingaporeAnnual Convention. This is officially my third convention, and it was exactly two years ago that I showed up as a complete stranger and spent two days being completely blown own away by a whole community. Here’s the blogI wrote on it back then. A life-changer. Anyhoo this year was even more special and it made me quite reflective. A fantastic group! Photo credit: Berry Happy Photography I joined APSS immediately after Convention two years ago, and within a month of signing up as a member, I agreed to be on the APSS Executive Committee. You see, I don’t sign up for anything without really thinking it through, because I’ve got to be smart where I invest my time – it is not unlimited. So when I commit to stuff, I’m in. No sitting in the back of the room for me. Joining the Exco was definitely the smartest move I’ve ever made. It got me into the heart of this community and I started to make really really awesome friends and pick up a few mentors too. In the second year I had to step back from the Exco, because I was on two other boards by this time and just not coping with all of the commitments. But I didn’t step back. An opportunity came up to compete in The Speech, and that provided an opening to be mentored by the one and only Brenda Bence. Such a wonderful lady, and the gift of her knowledge and friendship is something I will be forever thankful for. Now at the beginning of my third year in APSS, I was invited to speak on the social media panel at Convention. It was definitely an honour to share the stage with industry veteran (and my friend) Wendy McEwan, as well as two established professional speakers, Cynthia Zhai and Tom Abbot. Great panel and amazingly, I didn’t feel nervous. It was a great discussion too. We all come at social media from different perspectives with different goals, so it was a lively chat. It was during the panel that I started being reflective. From Brenda sitting up front with a big smile on her face every time I spoke, to looking out over the room to see so many friends giving us all so much love, and then afterwards, the encouragement and support. It was also amazing to hear a lot of the speakers reference my philosophy on the Giving Economy – something I believe in so deeply. Maybe that concept can finally go global? I continued to get encouragement and support from everyone over the next two days. They all know I’ve just launched my new business and they all kept asking me – what can I do to help you? What do you need? Essentially, how can I be of service – which is what APSS is all about. I can’t tell you how much I love that. Here’s two of my new pals – Mark & Anna. Sadly Mark is going back to NZ! When you enter a new community, it takes commitment to build real meaning and connections. Over the last two years I’ve invested with my whole heart, and this weekend, I realized that investment is paying off. It’s not only the knowledge I am gaining, it’s the incredible privilege to call so many fabulous people my friend. Thank you APSS. You are the gift that keeps on giving. By the way, I always have a new favourite person I meet at these events. Lindsay Adams was a firm favourite for the title, but then I met Amelie Yan-Gouiffes…. I can’t call it. So it’s a double this year!   To anyone thinking of signing up to a community or maybe you’re already part of one but sitting back, too shy to get stuck in, take my advice. Go all in and watch it blossom into something meaningful that has the potential to change your life. Life’s too short to sit in the back of the room, yes? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea BTW I’m on Twitter here, Google+ here, Instagram here, and Facebook too, if you’re interested in the other stuff I share. Feel free to share my blog if you think anyone you know will be interested or entertained. I sure do appreciate it when you do xxxxx

Magda Szubanksi(aka Sharon, Kim’s second best friend in Kath and Kim), is probably one of Australia’s most beloved and admired people, not to mention a really funny bitch. A part of my life since I was a young teenager, for me, she is an awesomely funny and inspiring woman. To get a sense of how funny, you should watch this little gem right now.     Am I right? I LOVE her!! The scary thing is I’ve known women who are exactly like the character she portrays in these skits. Anyhoo, my sister, Phillipa, gave me her memoir for Christmas. Entitled Reckoning: A Memoir, this is one of the best autobiographies I’ve ever read, and trust me, I’ve read a LOT of biographies! It is a beautiful, heart wrenching book. It’s so honest. It’s so raw. It’s so human. Starting off as a migrant to Australia from the UK when she was a little girl, her story features a powerful Polish father who escaped his homeland after the second world war, mainly because he was an assassin in the Polish Underground during it. How she tries to come to terms with what he has done, as well as how it impacts him for the rest of his life emotionally, is incredibly powerful. Of course, sitting in the safety of suburban Melbourne, how could you possibly understand the choices he had to make back then? His history torments her. The story of her father is a powerful thread throughout the entire book. It’s also a story of extreme loneliness as a child. She had a depressed Scottish mother before depression was recognized, along with two siblings who were much older than her, leading completely separate lives. Her story is also a magnificent exploration into growing up in the Australia I remember, which means it’s packed full of memories for me too – including the smell of Australia. Can I just tell you that Australia, in the summertime in particular, has a smell all its own!   Her memoir is a journey into Magda’s complicated mind, which was prevalent from a very young age. As a heady person myself, I really felt this strongly. When you meet people who aren’t the sort to spend too much time in their own heads, you think lucky bastard! However, when you read a memoir by someone who is heady, you say thank god it’s not just me! I’m not nuts. Magda’s story is also about self-discovery and the painful story of her personal struggle with her own sexuality. Incredible. Honest. Powerful. Beautiful. I had no idea she went through so much internal hell before finally deciding it was the right time to come out. Today Magda is a champion of LGBT rights in Australia and I hope her message reaches into the bigger world too. She had a horrendous journey of shame and I hope that by sharing her journey, others won’t have to go through nearly 50 years of not accepting themselves for who they are. I watched her recently in an interview before Mardi Gras in Sydney. Watch this magnificent woman speak with heart-breaking passion – Magda Szubanski breaks down discussing the Safe Schools program on the eve of Mardi Gras.   A gift to the world and so is her book. There’s so much more to her story, but if you’re struggling with something, know someone who is, or you just enjoy a beautifully written memoir, please do yourself a favour and read Reckoning: A Memoir. You won’t regret it, even if you don’t know her. Then again, she was Mum in the movie Babe. So I bet you have seen her in action.    Thanks for buying it for me Phillipa. When I was getting to the end, I slowed down reading it because I just didn’t want it to end. That doesn’t happen very often. Magic. Anyone else read it? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea   BTW I’m on Twitter here, Google+ here, Instagram here, and Facebook too, if you’re interested in the other stuff I share. Feel free to share my blog if you think anyone you know will be interested or entertained. I sure do appreciate it when you do xxxxx    

It was only a matter of time. It was always going to happen. However when your child walks out crying hysterically, and you lay your eyes on an arm sitting at an impossible angle, the feeling that spreads throughout your body is like nothing you’ve ever known before. Arriving at the first hospital. Still smiles for a camera Of course you immediately go into “let’s sort this shit out” mode, and I got dressed and ready in a nano-second, called a cab and we were off to the hospital, and then another hospital because I went to the wrong one – FUCK! Those moments in the cab last night were very long and hard to endure, but equally, we had three cabbies who showed the true majesty of the human spirit – care and kindness. But last night there were a couple of moments which I think will haunt me for some time. Firstly, though, what happened? The boys were in bed, promising to be calm and go to sleep, so all seemed promising. Of course they weren’t going to sleep, because apparently there were some issues to sort out – a fight over who got to sleep with the cat I believe? A tussle ensued and Lex came down and landed on his wrist. So glad we bought those bunkbeds – not. When reality struck, there was nothing else to do but brace ourselves to face the situation ahead. However, the first moment that will haunt me for a while is with Jax. He was devastated and convinced it was all his fault. Oh love, it was an accident and it’s no one’s fault. Besides, he could have been the one to fall, so no one can be blamed for what happened. It was bad luck all round and its kids right? Two clean breaks The challenge, though, was I couldn’t deal with Jax’s emotional needs at that point, because Lex’s need was much more important. I left the apartment telling him it would all be OK, leaving him with Jona, our lovely helper, and she told me he was in absolute torment all night. To make matters worse, he didn’t see Lex this morning before school, because Lex was still sleeping after returning home at 3am from the hospital. Suffice to say this was a really reallybad time for Steve to be away on business. The second haunting was the screams. Because Lex landed on his hand, face and side, he had carpet burns on his face and hip. Due to possible head trauma, they couldn’t put him under and instead had to use a blocker on the arm, which they assured me would take away the pain. Once the blocker was in, they could painlessly pull the bones back into place, as he’d broken both bones in his right forearm cleanly. I stayed with Lex in the operating room while they put in the IV needles. Both hands required needles and no worries getting one into the unbroken hand – success first time finding a vein. However, it took five attempts on the broken hand and he was beside himself by this point. I work really hard to help the kids not have a fear of needles, but I think I lost a lot of ground last night. IV needles in It was now time to kick me out of the room, with the door promptly locked behind me. Then the screaming started and it went on and on and on.   I was crying, walking around in circles, banging on the door, shoving the door trying to get it loose. It wasn’t supposed to hurt, that’s what the doctor said. I called Steve and he could hear Lex’s screams over the phone. I feel bad I called him in hindsight, but what else can you do when you feel so bloody hopeless and powerless? I hung up. I couldn’t talk anymore. Then Lex screamed out “someone, please, help me!” Oh fuck, what mother wants to hear that. It was completely SHIT! They wouldn’t let me in, but eventually a doctor was at the door knocking, they let him in and there was no way I wasn’t coming in too. “You said it wouldn’t hurt? This could screw him up for life. He might change who he has the potential to be. He might become fearful. Scared of taking risks. Frightened of doctors for the rest of his life. It wasn’t supposed to hurt. I would never have agreed to this. Why couldn’t we sedate him?” Lex looked haggard. The doctor was very sweet and reassuring. She said it probably isn’t hurting, but he is convinced it is. I don’t know. This was a bad Core Memory moment for my sweetheart and we’ve got to work hard to make sure he comes out of this stronger – somehow. Am I equipped for that? I don’t know. But then the reality of the new doctor struck. They got one bone back in place, but this was an osteo doctor and the other bone needed to be put back in place too. He couldn’t leave the hospital with one bone out of alignment. Also we only had five minutes on the clock to do it. I had to leave the room again. They locked the door. 2am can we PLEASE go home mum? He didn’t scream this time. They got the bone back in place. Lex was so bloody brave. So amazing. And he was actually quite funny too, especially with his swearing attempts – “this frickin sucks” was one. How can you tell a kid off for using mummy and daddy words at that point? He was quite right. It completely sucked. I hated that Steve wasn’t there. I hated hearing my kid scream in pain. I hated leaving another son in tears believing it was all his fault. You’re right Lex, this frickin sucked a very big one. But it’s done. It’s over. They won’t tussle