Part of my 50 Years #50 Wisdoms journey. Come on board as I hurtle towards 50 on the 1st of January 2020.
I was chatting with a lady-pal recently and she told me someone told her she should soften her approach a little bit. Apparently, she’s too strong, too out there, and too dominating to attract a man into her life.
Nothing does my head in more than women being told to shrink themselves. Nothing does my head in more than women being told what they should do.
I’ve dealt with a lot of that on my journey. But this conversation inspired a strong and very relevant memory.
It was around the year 2000 and I was in Los Angeles with an old mate. We stayed in Venice Beach and I’ve got to tell you, there is no crazier city in the world than LA. It’s completely mind blowing.
Anyhoo all along Venice Beach there are fortune tellers selling their wares, and the friend I was with decided to give it a go. I hung around but didn’t want to do it – I’m not against it, I just wasn’t in the mood this day. The clairvoyant finishes up with my friend, turns to me and says:
You know, you need to soften the edges. Get yourself a fluffy backpack. Feminize yourself more and you might find the guy you’re hoping to find!
I did an absolute double take. What? Fluffy backpack? Me? You aren’t a very good clairvoyant, are you??
A fluffy backpack??
Now let me be clear, if you are a lady that loves a fluffy backpack, I have absolutely no issue with that. Each to their own on the fashion stakes.
But if you’re a woman that would never in a million years wear a fluffy backpack, for any reason, being told you should – to attract a man – is really quite bewildering. Fucken idiotic to be straight.
Let’s just say I took her advice and softened my style to be fluffier and more feminine. Would it make any difference in the quality of man I attracted? And if it did, surely that isn’t a match you’d be placing bets on??
Mainly because the widening of the net would be attraction linked to a newly found femininity only on the surface, because a fluffy backpack ain’t going to change the fact I’m a potty mouth, determined, and very stubborn lady, with some very strong ideas about life, the universe and everything in between!
So no, I SHOULDN’T wear a fluffy backpack and I SHOULDN’T change anything about myself that I don’t want to change.
The only goal in life is working out who you are and making sure you’re happy with yourself. All other external advice is completely irrelevant, unless you work this bit out first.
Why aren’t you married yet, tick tock, tick tock?
When you’re growing up and moving into marriageable age, it feels like everyone has an opinion on what you should do, how you should behave, dress, the job you have, hairstyles, how you should speak, your ideal weight, and so much more, to attract a desirable mate, just in time before the clock runs out. Boy did I get that
However, while men get a share of bollocks too, it is us gals that are told – from a young age – to diminish ourselves, to make ourselves smaller, softer, more feminine.
I have no issue with femininity, but I think it deserves a broader definition that factors in a whole lot more variation.
As an example, I did bodybuilding as a teenager and LOVED it! My greatest feminine role models at that age were female bodybuilders and I thought they were the most divine women on the planet.
Many didn’t agree with me back then, but I didn’t care. I loved my muscles and I loved being strong. I mean check out some of the most famous female bodybuilders of all time and tell me they’re not feminine?
Well maybe you don’t agree and think it’s hideous. The point is, it shouldn’t matter what other people think! We need space for all forms and shapes, right? Because with or without muscles, we are who we are. Not that the beauty industry would encourage that sort of diverse thinking, of course.
Girls are doing it for themselves
Thankfully we are finally in a time where women are being celebrated for being physically strong and powerful – go girls! I love seeing this change happening. It’s exciting. When I was a teenager, it was just weird. And boyfriends? They ran for the hills.
So when it comes to attracting a mate, telling a girl to change who she is to widen the net so she can attract more men to her, well, let’s just say no to that nonsense.
I tell my lady-pals all the time, don’t worry, you just haven’t found someone strong enough to take you on. He’s out there somewhere. There are awesome men everywhere, looking for a partner to shake the world up with. Believe in it. Believe it’s possible, He will come!
Oh sure, it can feel endless when you’re in the single phase. I mean it took me a long time (I was single 24-32), but I finally found a fella who thought I was the dog’s bollocks exactly as I am. So if I can find him, anyone can.
Marry well, it’s everything, if you want to get married at all
Warren Buffet is famous for saying the most important decision in your life is the person you marry. I completely agree with him. As a strong woman, even more so.
I encourage everyone woman, looking for a fella, to find one that is proud of who you are, what you’re doing, is supportive so you have the space to achieve whatever you’re capable of achieving, and helps puff you up to your greatest potential Versus encouraging you to play smaller to match some idea about what it is to be a woman. Women lose when we accept that.
If you’re waiting, waiting, waiting, please try and wait some more. Never shrink in your awesomeness, because one day, that fella will show up and you’ll be delighted you waited.
The real kick in the arse happens when you think he shows up, and then a few months or even a few years later, he bolts, because he knows he ain’t man enough for you. That happens ALL the time and boy does that test a strong woman’s mettle.
Be true. Be you. He wasn’t the right one. I know it’s hard not to beat yourself up, but the right one won’t go anywhere.
Obviously, I can’t guarantee anyone will find Mr. Right, but being passionately committed to who you are and not changing it based on nonsense societal expectations of what a woman should be, is a great place to start. You’ll attract the best to you if you accept the best in yourself, right?
Oh, I know none of this is easy, more so when the world is full of people telling us what we should do. Promise me, the only should you should be doing is to do YOU!
Here’s what we should be doing
Live enormously, with passion, with enthusiasm, and with a deep love for your whole magnificent self, ‘cos that’s the place from where you truly get to live. It’s also the best place to fall in love.
When we all start doing that, us women will have the opportunity to claim this world back and our place in it, because it’s time. There’s a whole lot of shit that needs sorting out around the world, and ladies, we need to roll our sleeves up and get that work done, alongside the awesome men in the world who don’t tell us we SHOULD do anything.
So promise me, you’ll ignore anyone telling you what you should do?
Or perhaps you have a delightful memory to share of the time someone was brave enough to say that awful word – should?
Yours, without the bollocks
Thank you for reading my ramblings. My brain and heart are a work in progress, always. I’d love a comment if it stirred any thoughts or feelings and of course, please feel free to share it with anyone you know who might be interested or entertained. I sure do appreciate it when you do. If you want to connect, I’m on Twitter here, Google+ here, Instagram here, YouTube here, and Facebook too. I share loads of stuff, not just my own xxxxx
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