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Dear Streets Ice-cream C/o Unliver I write to express some concerns over the packaging of your new Magnum Ice cream – Magnum Temptation Chocolate. I recently purchased this for my husband, as he is a fan of brownies in ice cream. Let’s start with a positive. I would like to report that on the taste test, it passed with flying colours. There was some initial trepidation about the reduction in size – being approximately half way between a normal magnum and a mini – however Steve reported it was just right, as it was already very rich and the normal size magnum would have been “too much” – although I’m sure he’d have managed. When presenting my husband with said ice cream, we both thought that the design of the packaging was quite beautiful – along the lines of a nice box of Swiss chocolates – and we were impressed with the design effort that must have gone into it. We also appreciated that differentiating oneself in the ice-cream market must be quite challenging, so were in total agreement that you have certainly “outdone” yourselves this time round. However, we bring you back to your corporate responsibility and ask you to reconsider using such excessive packaging for your ice-creams. While beautiful, I cannot imagine how long it would take to break down with all that foil and shiny coating on its surface. How many oxygen providing trees will be shredded to meet your box demands and how much land will be ripped apart to extract aluminium to make it all so shiny? Come on, it’s time to save the planet, not do more damage and it starts with you Unilever, the giants in the business. You people have children and grand children don’t you? Wouldn’t you like them to be able to breathe fresh air and go outside to get some Vitamin D without getting 3rd degree burns? On another point, as Magnum Temptation Chocolate clearly states in the “healthy” section on the front of its packaging, a single ice-cream provides 11% of one’s daily energy needs. This means that if you had 10 Magnum Temptation Chocolate ice-creams in one day you should have excessive energy to get through the day. However, please turn the box over, because:  One ice-cream provides 19% of your daily total fat needs – so 10 would mean 200% One ice-cream provides 43% of your daily saturated fat needs – which means in excess of 400% of your daily needs Carbohydrates – specifically sugars – account for 25% – so that’s 300% of your daily needs All in all an extra 2 kilos would be consumed if you ate 10 magnums a day, 14 KGs a week….  Not that anyone would – would they? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

Here you go (click on title for link to the story) – the number of government funded operations in Australia to reduce the size of a woman’s vag has trebled in a decade – wot bloody next? Bound feet, removing a lower rib to reduce waist size…. it’s bloody ridiculous girls!!! Get it done if you really need it sure, but young girls? What is happening out there? Shit like this makes me really really mad! Anyone agree? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I’ve got to say that I’ve never been interested in Gordon Ramsay. He comes across as a total prick on TV and if I was going to watch any celebrity chefs it would be Jamie Oliver and Curtis Stone – they just seem like decent human beings with good hearts. But bloody hell, aren’t the knives out for Gordon at the moment? Firstly two suicides have been placed at his feet. I mean if you can’t stand the heat and you’re capable of going the suicide route, certainly stay out of Ramsay’s bloody kitchen! He’s also sacked his brother-in-law as his financial manager, so he’s obviously not a very loyal man, but who knows the story? I expect the brother-in-law will pursue the traditional route with a full ‘warts and all’ account of life with Gordon in a soon to be published book, so no skin off his nose ultimately huh? I certainly won’t be buying it though. By all accounts, being a celebrity seems to have screwed him up and his priorities seem all over the place, but then, can you imagine what life in his body and head would be like? First your Dad tells you you’re a poof for becoming a chef and then you spend the rest of your life trying to prove him wrong… can’t be too nice being him I reckon. I can’t understand the man and therefore encourage the media to report on worthwhile shit, as opposed to the goings on of a celebrity chef gone bad. All I know is I’ll never watch his stuff anyway, because I just don’t like people who make people feel bad. But he’s made squillions doing it, so now we wait and see if his candle will still shine bright. The verdict is it’s being snuffed out as we speak. A final point: does it strike anyone else as moronic that we live in a world where you can become a huge success by being a prick? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

For anyone interested, Mum made it home and didn’t get lost in Europe. She’s home a couple of weeks early because she ran out of money, but she had a lovely time at Mary McKillops’ canonisation (“never felt more proud to be Australian”) and thought the holy land was truly amazing – couldn’t agree with her more there. No place on earth like Israel that’s for sure. Interpol you’re off the hook again. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

A little while ago I posted a blog on Billy Idol, where I mentioned the quality of mates my older brother had growing up, and I think this needs some elaboration. As any teenage girl with an older brother would expect, big bros mates should be the first opportunity for cherry popping right? Sadly not for me. I remember two of them, Malcolm and his brother, who used to come over and hang out all the time. A various assortment of others would come by, but these two made up the main posse and they were the ones who we think stole Mum’s engagement ring. You could always tell when they were in the house, because about 15 feet from the living room you would walk in to a wall of body odour so intense, it nearly made you puke. All the lads would sit around on the lounge, smoking, eating and watching Chuck Norris-esque movies, talking bollocks, scratching their balls, farting and where they sat would stink for hours afterwards. Apart from being unwashed with greasy hair, they were also rather unattractive by my definition. I usually just got the hell out whenever they were around. It’s important to note that my brother was never smelly, in fact he is almost obsessive with his cleanliness. If you walk towards Paul the chances are you’ll be swamped with French aftershave – Channel has been an enduring favourite. Paul has always had nose issues and thus, he can’t smell very well so he makes up for it with excessive aftershave use, but I’d always prefer that to bad body odour. I could imagine Pauls’ mates bedrooms – unwashed sheets, jocks sticking to the walls, piles of leftover food, dirty washing, tissues dabbled around the room, black curtains, dim lighting, dust on every surface… you get the picture. You can almost smell it. YUK! I never understood how young guys could live this way, but they do. I haven’t met Paul’s recent bunch of mates, but I don’t expect much improvement. The shit hit the fan a little while back when they robbed Mum’s house, called Mum and threatened to rape her (nice huh?), and hung around threatening both of them, making general pains in the arse of themselves. The cops got involved and I’m still not sure what it was all about or if anything legal ever happened to these guys. I think there was a sexual misdemeanour that finally put one in a cage. Oh the quality. I don’t know why Paul attracts such useless twats into his life, but he certainly has a gift for it. I often wonder how many of his past friends have spent time in jail – because it certainly has to be the majority. He’s an interesting fella my big brother Paul and he’s got a heart of gold. Most don’t get him, many deride him, but his heart is usually in the right place and that’s what’s important right? Hey he’s my brother and in a strange kind of way, he’s been a great and very interesting part of my life. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

There’s a lot of stuff I could comment on regarding the tedious shit a parent endures, especially in these toddler/pre-school years, because there really is just a lot of tedious shit to endure. BUT I think the thing I hate the most is the standing around… wait a minute, maybe it’s not the thing I hate most, because of course there is whining and nagging… Anyways, I’m at an indoor playroom with the boys right now, and most of the time I bring some work to keep me sane, while also playing with the boys throughout the time we’re here, although more often than not my role is to stop them doing something dangerous. Don’t get me wrong, I love playing with the boys, but seven days a week/365 days a year my imagination and enthusiasm is certainly lacking a lot of the time, probably because I HAVE to do it and almost certainly because they woke me up at 5am! The other factor that makes it challenging is a lack of focus. It’s getting better, but the only activities that keep my lads focused are swimming, climbing, running, throwing rocks and of course, TV. Trains, trucks, cars., bikes, scooters and balls are getting a longer run too – so it’s getting better, slowly, very slowly. But most of the time I am at playgrounds, or by rivers, or anywhere really, just standing around making sure the boys don’t get into trouble. Sometimes they actually want me to participate in their activities, but a lot of the time they just want to do what they want to do and would prefer it if mum just pissed off. You feel so valued let me tell you. I came to the conclusion, quite some time ago, that I’m not a children’s entertainer. I play with the boys every day, but I don’t enjoy entertaining them – I figure that’s something they should be sorting out for themselves. I know a lot of mums who feel the same. For the last 18 months or so, I’ve done a lot of standing around by myself, especially with Steve away so much. Even in Singapore I didn’t join any mothers groups (which was probably a mistake) and I don’t know many people where we’re living now, so most of the time it’s just me and the lads, doing stuff and I’m completely bored out of my brain. I see gangs of mum’s hanging out together while their kids play, and others with family around helping out. I don’t have any of that and it’s really hard sometimes, but the hardest part of all for me is the mind numbingness of it all. I know I have to be active up top l’est I go mad, but maybe it’s already too late and I have gone mad? I adore my boys and love nothing better than being inspired to play with them, but most of the time I’m just getting through. Right now I have to discipline Lex for being a turd to his grandma. Finally I have someone around for a few weeks and the boys want nothing to do with their English grandparents (yet,) constantly being horrible little shits – cool. People keep telling me that it will get better, and it already has, but bloody hell, I don’t think anyone could have forewarned me about how tedious a lot of this time could be. And I’m not even talking about meal times, cleaning up toys and mess, boggy nappies, nap times, etc, etc, etc… I know I’m a good mum but I honestly couldn’t say I enjoy it all the time. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I don’t like to get too opinionated about the rules of other nations in regards to women, because we can never truly understand the culture they live in and therefore, our standards can hardly be applied, but I thought this was a little interesting. In order that women don’t engage with “unrelated men,” the Kingdom’s Governing Body of Clerics has issued a Fatwa against women working as check out chicks. This is a country where women are at almost 30 per cent unemployment and a country with a future post-oil that is looking bleak. I like this statement “It is necessary to keep away from places where men congregate. Women should look for decent work that does not make it possible for them to attract men or be attracted by men.” Maybe they can all join a convent? I’m so glad I wasn’t born in a place like this and my heart goes out to any woman trying to have more freedom. Keep up the fight girls. Us girls in the West have kind of made it after years of heartache – although we’ve still got a lot to do. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

Steve and I had completely opposite parenting experiences. Steve’s was along the lines of you can play with one toy and one toy only, and you had to put it away in the cupboard once designated playtime was over. My childhood was more along the lines of piss off outside (with no sun block or hat) and don’t come inside until you’re called. Most evenings were spent in boiling hot showers to deal with horrendous sunburn – yeah burns and hot water, hello! In our house we could go anywhere and do anything as long as we didn’t disturb our folks. One could say Steve’s childhood was of absolute control and mine was of absolute freedom but neither were what we would call ideal. We certainly don’t intend to raise our lads on either model. Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t bad childhoods and there are aspects we both appreciate, but more that we laugh about. In truth, I loved my childhood. Anyways, one comparison that came up last night was a discussion around car sickness. Neither of us ever got it – our guts are rock solid – but Steve’s sister Sam got it real bad, and my sister Phillipa got it bad too. So did one of my brothers, but I can’t remember which one – think it was Mark. To give you an idea of the opposite childhoods we had, here’s how both families’ dealt with car sickness. Steve’s family prepared for all car journeys’ hours/days in advance and a plethora of plastic bags were pre-packed in handy to reach compartments. The moment Sam got even remotely nauseous, the car was pulled over (The M5, highways, country lanes, where ever necessary), plastic bags distributed and the puking got under way. My family, all tightly packed into a small car with me and the non-travel sick brother squished in the middle, usually heading up the mountains to ski or to check out an art gallery hundreds of kilometres away, dealt with things slightly differently. Phillipa and Mark just put their heads out the window and spewed. Every return trip was finalised with a spraying down of the car. Naturally when you discuss these sorts of things, Steve was horrified at how my family handled it and I was horrified at how Steve’s family handled it. My families’ way makes total sense to me – otherwise we would never have gotten anywhere, but Steve’s families’ way makes total sense to him – they just took hours even going down the street. It can be so bizarre comparing experiences of childhood and while I do think that even the worst parents thought they were doing their best, it is bloody funny how our parents handled situations. It definitely makes you wonder what you’ll be remembered for once you take on the mantle of parent. Who knows what our boys will talk about to their future partners regarding what we did? One thing I can definitely guarantee is if they are pukers, they’ll be putting their heads out the window. Oh and the other thing Steve and I have agreed is that Christmas from now on will be five star and we both plan to get wasted and throw the boys in the pool afterwards. Should make interesting comparisons to other kids doing the traditional Christmas…. So how was your puking handled? And who wants to join us for Christmas? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I was reading an article in Australian Women’s Health about going vego, something I’ve been wanting to do but my husband ain’t so keen. He’s not one of those “where’s the fucken meat?” kind of guys, but he doesn’t really like the idea of going without it. The boys also love their meat – especially Jax – so it’s a bit of a challenge for me right now. In the meantime, I’m eating more and more vego meals whenever I can, so slowly, slowly. Anyways, when I was in Singapore about six months ago, I noticed a campaign “go vegetarian and save the planet” – interesting but I didn’t really think about it much after that. Then I was reading this article on going vego and did you know that 40 per cent of global warming can be attributed to farmed foods? That’s amazing! And people get up in arms over air travel, but it doesn’t even come close. It is the methane (or pooh dust as we like to call it in our house thanks to my sister,) from cows and sheep, causing all this ruckus and that’s because we consume an incredible amount of meat. The ideal amount for a woman is about 50KG a year – so a little more than a super model weighs. Currently the average woman – in Australia at least – is eating about 116KG of meat – so that’s a chunky man with nice muscles or one with a large beer paunch. A frightening amount of meat whatever way you look at it. I have to apologise to the lads, as this info was from a chic’s mag, there were no details for you fellas, but I’m sure you could probably double it. One initiative that’s been kicked off, and you probably already know about it but I’m obviously out of the loop, is Meatless Monday’s. I thought right, we can do that easily, so Steve came home on Monday to veggie pasta and he liked it. My challenge now is working out vego meals that we can all eat and enjoy more often, but in the meantime, veggie pasta once a week is definitely something I can do. Although to keep things interesting, it’s probably time to buy some veggie cookbooks. You know we can recycle everything, use those fancy light bulbs, put on water saving shower heads, but if we eat meat every day, we’re not really making a difference. Methane is more damaging than CO2 emissions, because it is 62 per cent more potent, and over lengthy periods that starts to add up. I know it’s relevant to any discussion where cutting out meat is concerned, but I’m not even going to talk about farming techniques. It’s such a big topic in its own right and I only try to buy great meat anyway. But that’s still no guarantee I haven’t eaten one of those animals that can’t reach its food because it can’t walk due to its overly large breasts, or extended rump, or…. Right that’s it. I’m jumping on the bandwagon to save the planet with less meat, but also because it’s just healthier too. Anyone wanna to join me who isn’t already? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I love their style – check this out. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea