Fuck it Enough

I’ve been thinking about how I handle some friends who have been challenging other friends – people they’ve never met – on my social media pages. The thing is, for me, what I share on social media is pretty broad – some are ideas, some are opinions, and much of it is just the crazy shit going on in the world or in my head. I take full responsibility for what I share and I’m very happy to be challenged over any of it – always with the hope the challenger remembers to be kind. However, when people attack other people for sharing their thoughts and ideas with me, I’m not feeling so comfortable anymore. Have a go at me – no problem. Have a go at others – we could have a problem. The thing is, people feel and think things for a whole variety of reasons. I believe we can never know another’s story, or the thoughts that rattle around in their heads, and that it’s impossible to understand how another’s experiences have impacted or shaped who they are. When we think we know how another feels, we are still only interpreting this from our own experience, not theirs, because we are not them and they are not us. I believe that even those closest to us remain a mystery. This is one of the reasons I try never to judge anyone and feel uncomfortable around judgmental people, which ironically, is a judgment right? Anyhoo, social media is a channel for us all to celebrate the big and small things in our lives with our closest community or complete strangers. My Facebook community is my friends and family – people I know and care about. Ninety nine percent of my friends on Facebook are people I value having in my life. The other 1% are connected to me through other’s I know. My other social networks are different – these are colleagues (past and present), strangers or peers relevant to my life, so it’s about being connected to people interested in me and me in them – for whatever reason – work, blogging, etc…. That lack of personal connection usually sees interactions as being pretty straight. Therefore, with my Facebook page in particular, I feel that my friends and family should be able to share their celebrations with me (as I’m part of their community) without being criticized by someone they don’t know. I also believe how they live and celebrate should not be judged by strangers, because how we each live our lives is relevant within the context of our own cultures. Let’s also not forget that celebrating one’s life is important too, because what’s the point of living if we forget to have a good time while we’re at it? There’s enough misery in the world already.   My friend community is very broad, and this is something that gives me enormous pleasure. I have friends who have more money than Donald Trump – well maybe not that much – and equally I have friends who grew up in refugee camps, surviving on cockroaches. I have friends who have witnessed unbelievable brutality, and I have friends who haven’t had a bad day in their life. Almost every country, race and religion is in my community, and I cherish the diversity of experiences that are shared on Facebook. It makes social media a wonderfully vibrant medium in my life.  My Facebook feed is my own little United Nations – it’s very cool. But with that contrast of lives, there are vast differences too – which is where the challenge comes in, especially as a lot of the people I hold dear are very passionate people as well. In my travels, I have seen that the majority of the world’s population does not enjoy the privileges many enjoy and take for granted. I’ve really grappled with this, however I’ve come to the conclusion that the majority of people contribute to making the world a better place in their own way. I’ve had the privilege of living and spending time in some of the poorest communities in the world and equally, the richest. I can tell you that my heart has regularly been broken by the unfairness I see in the world. I completely understand how people struggle with disparities – comparing the haves with the have-nots – it IS really hard to reconcile the two, but those of us considered better off can’t live in guilt for living our lives, because the reality is, no matter who you are, where you are, or how rich or poor you are – there are shitty aspects in your life as well. Wealth and physical abundance is not the only measure of success or happiness. Community and loving support should also be factored into this equation, and the “poor” of the world often have that in abundance. One of my greatest epiphanies when travelling was the ability to look beyond the poverty and see the really important things these communities had – things the West lost long ago. Mother Theresa was famous for her quote of all that she had witnessed in the world, the saddest was the loneliness she saw in the West. No one has it right, all societies have room for improvement, but rather than judging each other, let’s continue working together so everyone has enough. That’s all that matters. I believe I see both sides as much as I am able to see them, and I just want to ask – please be kind to my friends and family? Everyone I am connected with I value for a whole host of reasons. Everyone I am connected with has enhanced my life in magical ways. I feel incredibly privileged by the diverse people that are in my life, but some of them are a bit crazy. Some of them have out of this world ideas. Some are conservative. Some are content with really nice and beautiful lives.

So a few weeks back, I’m sitting on the toilet (as you do) and my arms went all tingly and my hands felt weak. I thought, well that’s a bit weird, but forgot about it. Then last Friday the exact same thing happened and this time, it freaked me out. I call the doctor, make an appointment and in I go – shitting myself about what it could be. I know that women have heart attacks differently to men, but surely it couldn’t be that, ‘cos I’m too young and haven’t gone through menopause? Well it wasn’t ruled out, and a check of my heart, vital signs, and everything else was done. All clear, but we’d better get you in to see a Cardiologist to be sure. So my Saturday sleep-in was replaced with nearly two hours at a cardiologist’s office, checking my heart, doing the treadmill test, an ultrasound, etc… EVERYTHING was perfectly normal and I have a very strong heart. Phew. The arm thing happens again on Sunday, so I go into the docs on Monday, they withdraw a liter or so of blood, and all sorts of tests are carried out. They didn’t call Tuesday, they didn’t call Wednesday, so I thought OK, I’ll call you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me – nothing at all. And only $2,000 later… it’s great to know it for sure. So what the hell is going on? One potential is a pinched nerve somewhere in my body. That makes sense ‘cos I’m long overdue an osteo appointment and have one booked on Saturday. What else? Stress or over-excitement resulting in elevated CO2 levels? I am working really hard, there’s a lot going on, I am still in the completely overwhelmed stage BUT in many ways, I’ve never felt more relaxed. Over-excitement? Well of course, that’s a constant in my life and I don’t want to change. But definitely a reminder to chill baby, chill. However, as a result of all of these shenanigans, a few things raised their ugly head this last week. The first is facing one’s own mortality, which is connected to 2nd thing – the bloody aging process. The doctor has been divine, but it was due to my age that all of these other things had to happen, ‘cos I’m no longer a spring chicken in the medical professions’ eyes and they couldn’t rule anything out. I have to admit, I bloody hate being poked and prodded by doctors. I hate it to the point I could very easily ignore what is going on within, rather than facing the poking and prodding. But I didn’t this time. I went in and faced up to it (thankfully getting great news at the end), so I consider myself a VERY good girl. But it was a rather miserable five or so days to get through, although I think Steve had a much shittier time than me. It also made me even more committed to my “Fuck it Enough” crusade, because I just don’t want to spend anytime hanging around hospitals, unless absolutely necessary. Who knows what the bloody hell is going on, because my body responds to all sorts of weird stuff going on in the cosmos, so I’m just glad it’s nothing significant to contend with right now. Obviously, if anyone has any ideas – no matter how nuts – happy to hear? I remain forever open to all possibilities. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

So in my month of “it’s all good, nothing is gunna bother me” we got some really bad news for us. Jax has to go in next week and have an operation on his teeth, because all of the big molars have compacted and bacteria has built up, which means cavities. BUMMER! The reason it’s an operation is because we don’t want him terrified of the dentist for the rest of his life, so the plan is to knock him out and get it done. Also, with the kid next door screaming “Mummy make it stop” while Steve was with Jax during his recent appointment, neither of us consider it a bad investment in his future. However, I’m exceptionally bummed about this because I have been super anal about the boy’s diet since they were born, because I didn’t want them having the same dental issues I have. Soft drink and juices in a box – no bloody way. Candy/lollies/sweeties, go for your life at birthday parties, but otherwise no, and old aunties offering them sweets around town – piss off. Packaged food – not in their diet. Fast food – equally no way. Keeping them away from grandparents who want to spoil them by feeding them sweet crap – something else we’ve been able to achieve. Their teeth are brushed twice a day and all in all, Steve and I have been completely aligned in this element of strictness. We’re relaxed about much with their behaviour, but not about their diet – especially at this time in their life when we can control it. Not to mention, bad food turns them into turds – annoying, erratic, hyperactive turds – so apart from giving them the best start in life, we’re also trying to give ourselves as much peace as possible. The truth is, I don’t want them getting a taste for crap, and the longer we’ve been able to control input, it’s pretty amazing how much crap they don’t actually like. Lex, in particular, is great at self-control around food. He won’t even eat crappy chocolate – awesome. Anyway, apparently the teeth issue is a genetic thing. The way his teeth have formed has meant it’s pretty much inevitable – which probably explains my early dental experiences and subsequent terrors – and all the while I thought it was my parents’ obsession with soft drink. The dentist said his teeth have obviously had excellent care and no, there really was nothing else we could do. It’s just one of those things. So next Friday, I have to brace myself to – once again – hold my child while they put him to sleep, and then walk out watching him being laid out on the chopping block. The reality is, I have to do that bit and Steve knows it. I’m not going to enjoy it, expecting both Steve and I to be bloody messes, but that’s life huh? While really bad news for us, it’s not even on the bad news spectrum of what many parents face with their kids, so we’re really grateful for our strong, healthy boys. Also on the bright side, we’re doing something that will save Jax’s teeth in the long run. A morning to get through – nothing more, although it’s going to be bloody hard keeping him away from all food and liquids that day. Hang on a minute, there’s another benefit – he might be quiet for an hour or so… that’ll be something special, as well as taking him on his brave-boy-present shop. It’ll be well deserved. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

The night we got to be Glamberts Best intentions are great huh? But the thing about having best intentions is not letting them get you down when you just can’t manage it in the whirlwind called life, and right now, my life is definitely a big bloody whirlwind – but in a good way… most of the time. Coming into March with my “Fuck it Enough” crusade, I was determined to keep the focus of getting life on track in every way– but especially my Action goals. It didn’t happen in March… in fact, it got worse. Leaving home around 7.30am and getting home around 7.30pm every day, well, that doesn’t leave too much time for anything really. Butit’s got to be done – I must weave exercise into my life – and no, I won’t go during office hours because I just won’t. Obviously getting up earlier is a possibility, but that means goingto bed earlier, which isn’t easy. Then again, I can do that now, because I’m getting over my early morning sleep obsession right? OK maybe not a 100% achieved goal yet.  I do love my sleep. However, this isn’t just about me – I would need to shift the sleeping habits of the whole family to achieve the getting to bed earlier so I can get up earlier goal – which wouldn’t be a bad thing – however if the boys were off to bed 30 minutes earlier, I don’t think I’d see them at all. What to do. The month of March saw me wheat free about 95 percent of the time, except when I went to Australia, because how can you not have a toasted ham and cheese sandwich when in Australia? Well you just can’t. I also (obviously) didn’t integrate some sort of physical activity every day (apart from rushing to and from the office) but I did take my “Singapore Transport” photos most days – which was a nice addition to life. My Apriltheme is “Singapore’s Workers” and I’m talking about the folk who really sweat here. Sunday is the best day for this project, as it’s their off day and I love watching the boys and girls getting around town, enjoying their one day of freedom for the week. It can be very amusing. I must say, doing a photography project has been awesome, because I do really love photography and it does force me to pay attention and be in the moment. It’s also been awesome to notice the stuff I’ve stopped looking at in Singapore. I will definitely keep it up. Thoughts Gratefulness has been a focus this month and while I got to write a few blogs about what I’m grateful for, I have so much more I want to do – so that’s an on-going project. Waking up and immediately going into a happy place – or giving myself a happy pep talk as my first thought of the day – has been an interesting challenge. At the beginning of the month I found it easy to do and it completely changed my day. Towards the end of the month it got harder – firstly because I forgot to do it, then because I was absolutely exhausted with having Steve away for so much of the month. I can’t tell you how glad I am that I’m not a single Mum – hats off to those girls. It is definitely something else I’m grateful for – sharing the journey of parenthood with Steve. But April is a new month with a new thought focus. This month I am going to try and not bitch or moan about ANYTHING! Yeah a big one huh? I have absolutely no idea if I can do it, but I reckon it’s going to be great to respond to every shitty moment with an “it’s all good” because none of it really matters right? Just living, laughing and being happy is all that matters at the end of the day. That’s what we’re here for right? So hormones included (as that usually guarantees a 24 hour period of bitch), I am going to do my best to be totally cool and contented this month. What I’m talking about here is a goal of not complaining about anything that anyone else does around me, nor am I going to moan about myself or my life. I’m not going to express frustration or dissatisfaction with others, I’m not going to bitch about anyone else (except if they fuck with my boys, then the gloves are off) and essentially, I’m not going to judge life – just be in it and flowing with it every day. I was going to have a vegetarian month too, but we have a three week visit from my in-laws happening, so that’s just not going to work. Then again, with all of the massive changes I’m coping with right now, many of which are massive, I need to be realistic and just focus on all of the new patterns already established since the start of the year. Besides the thought goal I’ve got for this month is a HUGE thing to focus on, so I’ll be happy if I can just do that. I have to say it’s off to a good start already. There you go, that’s me for April, anyone else working on changing actions or thoughts this month? Willing to share? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

There’s a magnificent woman in my life, who I lovingly call Aunty Vick. She joined our family in 2007 and while the early days of having a full-time  live-in maid were extremely weird for me, she helped me to get comfortable with my new life and very quickly became an honored and beloved member of our family. Vick went back to the Philippines in 2009 when we went to Australia, but when I told her we were coming back to Singapore, she said “I’m coming.” However, days before we were due to leave Australia I got a phone call and heard the awesome news that she was finally pregnant. Of all the people I’ve ever met, Vick deserves the chance to be a Mum. She’s gently taught me more about motherhood than anyone, sharing a beautiful yet simple life wisdom with me every day. I will always be grateful that she was with me during this time, and I know that doing it without her was never as much fun! Tragically, her baby girl, Tracey, died at six weeks old due to an allergic reaction to antibiotics. Devastating. It was very bittersweet for me when she decided to return to us, knowing what she had lost. Vick was very sad when she arrived in December 2011, however in the last 15 months, I’ve watched her heal as much as a grieving mother can. Vick is an incredible person and everything that is “inside” is pure and simple goodness. She is completely devoted to our family, and the love and care she honors us with is never taken for granted. She care for us as if we were her own and I know I could not do what I am doing right now if I didn’t have Vick at home, backing me up. The boys adore her and the patience and guidance she offers is magic in action. I haven’t got a tenth of her patience, but as she always says “they’re just growing up, don’t worry about it.” And she’s always right. Every stage they go through (that usually does my head in) is over and then the next stage starts and then it’s over too. She knows about kids growing up because for more than 20 years, she’s been helping to raise other people’s children, and she’s magnificent at it. Soon she’ll be leaving us again, and that is going to be a very sad day for all of us. But Vick needs to go home and have another baby before her biological clock stops ticking. We’ll miss her but Vick’s future bubba is going to be a very loved and lucky little child. We’ll never lose touch with Vick and I can see a lot of travel to the Philippines in our future, because she’s part of this family and we never want to be without her in our life. I also can’t wait to see how she lives and where she lives. Not to mention meeting her bubbas, and her boyfriend Jerry (the Shaman), and of course the pigs she’s spent her salary on this last year. Most girls buy frocks, shoes and handbags with their hard earned cash, Vick buys pigs, a cow and who knows what seeds she’s cultivated (on our balcony) to grow on her family farm in the mountains near Barcolod? Maids in Singapore are a common part of life and one of the reasons it suits us to live here – it just makes more things possible. But we got really lucky with Vick. The funny thing is if she grew up in the West, enjoying all of the privileges that come with that, she’d be a gourmet chef or the best recruitment consultant in the country, or a terrific teacher or she’d be the best at something else. Vick has so many remarkable talents, but her best quality is her love for her work – whatever it is. She works her arse off for us, but she does it because she knows that to love her work is the trick to living a really great life. She definitely inspires me every day, in many ways. She’s a beauty our Vick, and alongside my three beautiful boys, I am so very grateful to have had the privilege of having Vick in my life for so long. She is my friend and my Pilipino Sister. I’m lucky having her in my life. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Life is crazy getting in to and used to working full-time again, as such, how I use my time has been turned on its head. My days are now full doing things I wasn’t doing a month ago, and yet many of the things I was doing before still need to be done, including blogging. That can’t change because it is part of me and, more importantly, part of my joy. Steve told me not to put too much pressure on myself at this time in my life and I think I’ve been pretty cool and accepting about what this time means. I’ll get my jive back in order soon I’m sure. However the lingo “I don’t have time” has started tickling the peripheries of my mind recently and I’ve instantly said no way – because I DO have time. “I don’t have time” is one of my old thought habits that I used to get caught up in and then, one day, I decided any time I thought it I’d just counter it with – “I do have time.” I can assure you, it works. Let’s face it, today, people are “busier” than ever. We’re not necessarily busier doing anything useful, or enhancing our own or other’s lives, because many of us are just caught up in “noise.” It is slightly concerning, because everywhere I look, people are head down, connecting with everyone they know in the world, just not the person sitting right next to them. It is bizarre but not unexpected with how the world is advancing. I believe we’ll get it right again and people will learn to reconnect with physical humans and get the balance back. Well I do remain hopeful. However, I am determined not to get caught up in the “I don’t have time” bollocks. This is especially true when it comes to spending time with the awesome people in my life, which obviously means my beautiful family first, but equally, all of the other incredible people who’ve touched my life as well. Sure, I can’t be as spontaneous as I was before, but I’ll just have to be a bit more organised. The important thing is not to entertain this thought – at all if I can help it – and to get a bit Bruce Lee about it all, with his philosophy of always say yes and never give up. Then again he died young… I don’t have time is not a positive way of thinking and it doesn’t enhance my life. In fact, when I entertain it, I don’t have time – funny that. That’s what “Fuck it Enough” is all about after all – getting rid of shit that diminishes my life, including dis-empowering thoughts. It’s not always easy to do though. Has anyone else gotten rid of thoughts that aren’t serving them? Or anyone else recognised the “I’m don’t have time” rattling around a little too much in their head? Let me know. I love it when people share their experiences. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Steve’s been away for two weeks and the toughest time is weekends – just spending so much of it alone with my mini-men. Fortunately, there’s an amazing woman in my life, Vick, and she is an absolute legend – I don’t know what we’d do without her, a reality we’ll be facing far too soon as she’s due to go home in April L. Anyways, when it comes to the weekend, we obviously take on the boys to give Vick a break, and, well, because we actually want to spend time with them.  Unfortunately, our little boys are going through intense growing up phases at the moment – especially Jax. Moaning? My god I’ve never hear anything like it. And the Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum… give me a break. It is intensely challenging for this particular mum to do 24 hours a day – and it IS 24 hours ‘cos Jax continues to sleep in our bed ‘because he’s scared of lots of stuff at the moment – bless. Then of course they’re boys too, so they also spend a large part of the day beating the shit out of each other as well. Neither of them back down though, which makes me a little bit proud. But it’s definitely exhausting. So the combination of missing Steve and being without him, along with the boys being big pains in my arse, as well as extra emotional ‘cos they’re missing their Daddy… well it left me wanting to resign my role of Mum quite a few times these last two weekends. BUT I am in my grateful month and so, I can’t resign my job as Mum, because I really am so very grateful for my wonderful little lads. They are the magic in my life, and they make me laugh like no one I’ve ever known. The way they see the world is amazing, bizarre and brilliant – I love how they observe and provide commentary for what is going on around them – even the really mundane stuff. They teach me and remind me of the important things – like living in the moment, or fully maximizing every single day ‘cos it’s awesome, or playing with someone just ‘cos you can and it feels good. These are important things to remember but easily forgotten in adulthood. I also feel really touched by their love at the moment. Lex seems to have gotten over his cold-shoulder treatment since I started working full-time, and now, whenever I’m home, you can usually see two little boys walking along behind me – shower, toilet, bed – wherever I go. It is incredibly sweet and I feel honoured and privileged to be that person in their lives, although a little more peace on the dunny would be nice. I often wonder why I was gifted with these sweet boys, because there are definitely much better Mum’s out there, but I was given them to guide into adulthood and I just want to do a decent job at it… well at least instil some great values in them that will help them on their way. I don’t know if I’ll get it “right” – because what’s “right” anyway? – but I’ll sure try hard not to screw them up, but how can I guarantee that when I’m probably screwed up already anyway? Ahhh it’s a mind fuck this parenting bollocks. One way I can be a great mum is to remember to be grateful to them for being in my life every day – because I really am. But it isn’t easy in the real world, especially when you bring into the fact it’s my boys – my two crazy, busy, hectic, frantic boys – who are definitely not the easiest chaps to raise. Not to forget we’ve had some really tough challenges along the way as well – and we’re still dealing with many of them. I can definitely say these last few years have added up to a hell of a lot of intensity, and that’s meant being grateful has not come easily. Then again, from where I’m standing, that’s saintly stuff and I ain’t got a lot of that in me… The early years have definitely not been my forte on the parenting front. I have found the madness, chaos, disorder, as well as the interference of outside influencers a little too much to deal with much of the time, but I must always remember to be grateful for my lads. They really are superb characters, and in some way, both of them are going to achieve spectacular things throughout their lives. There’s definitely no dampening of their spirits, because let’s face it, this lioness of a mother would never stand for that! Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

We’re already into the 3rd month of 2013 and my “Fuck it, Enough” Crusade continues unabated, even though I’ve gone through dramatic changes in the last two weeks getting my head around a new job and all that entails. One of the things I know about making significant changes is to do it in a way that is going to stick – which means being realistic about what I can achieve, as well as doing things I like. If you hate something, you’re never going to do it – which is why you’ll never EVER see running on my action list. Actions for March I got off track this last month and that’s OK – I can forgive myself. I’m actually already moving a lot more just going back to work, and soon I’ll measure how much I’m actually walking versus how much I was before, but it’s not enough. I need to do more and structure my day in a way that allows my exercise plan to become a reality.   Therefore, this month is about integrating some sort of physical activity into my life everyday – be it a walk in the evening, achieving my goal of swimming three times (or 3kms) a week, or even heading downstairs to the gym we have in the condo. Although after I decided I want to integrate the gym into the month, it’s closed for construction. I’m not sure how I’m going to achieve the goal of doing something every day, but I know if I am committed to it, I will do it. The important thing is I decide to do something every single day no matter what! My second action is inspired by my friend Tash who is doing a photo a day project. I LOVE photography, and while I’m not great at it, I do enjoy the process of catching life around me in all its forms. So this month I’m doing a “Singapore Transport” theme – where I’ll aim to photograph all of the things I see while getting around Singapore at any time of the day and on any form of transport. This will help me achieve three things: I’ll pay more attention to what is going on around me as I look for things to capture – so being in the moment It will get me in the habit of carrying a camera with me all the time and enjoying photography again. Although photos on my phone count too… More than anything, it will get me appreciating the life around me, because after 10 years living here, it’s easy to become desensitized. I don’t want that. There’s always something weird and whacky going on, so I want to make sure I can still “see” The photos with this blog are from today. I took the boys out for their first duck tour experience, so you’ve got an almost self-portrait with the boys in the car on the way there, the view through a plastic window out the back of the boat towards the city, and driving home through a torrential downpour, seeing one of Singapore’s many beautiful historical buildings getting a make-over. I’m already enjoying taking pics, and the best bit – it’s not something additional in my day, it’s something I do within the context of the day as it already is. Bonus. Thoughts for March Last month was a big thought-month but I didn’t focus on gratitude. I really want to do this because it’s supposed to be a very powerful thing to do for your soul. I ask your patience as I wax-lyrical about the magnificence in my life… My second thought habit experiment is I am now 100 per cent focused on thinking happy thoughts as soon as I wake up in the morning. It’s been two days now and it is definitely an interesting thing to do. I essentially make myself think great stuff, with no negativity allowed. For example, I start my day with: “something wonderful is going to happen today” – I saw that on Facebook recently and it inspired me – but you know what, wonderful things do happen when you think they can. Mostly I am reprogramming my mind with things like isn’t life great, or today is going to be a cracking day, or today I get to hang out with, and be inspired by, super people, etc… So that’s another thought goal – really getting my mornings off to a very positive start. I definitely slipped into negative mindsets first thing in the morning in recent years – you know the moaning, isn’t life hard, oh poor me thoughts that start many of our days? I absolutely know it sets the tone of the day for me and I don’t want it anymore. However, in February I focused on removing tired or “shit night sleep” thoughts, so my start of the day is already much better. I’m hoping this will be another big step forward to getting a skip in my step. There you go, I continue to try and shape my thoughts so I can commit to my actions, so I can ultimately change my life, one step at a time. Anyone else decided to join my experiment and do it on themselves? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

My FIE focus for February was off to a cracking start, and then my life was turned upside down, inside out, and back-to-front, so let’s just say, I lost focus. There are definitely aspects I have persisted with – including one huge change – but many fell by the way-side as I moved into a new life of full-time work. I obviously need to adjust a lot of things to ensure I fully integrate my personal and professional goals together – because this stuff needs to happen no matter what – however giving myself a break as I go through a time of great change is something I need to give myself permission to do. Being gentler with myself is an overarching goal of FIE after all. The first thing to get screwed up was wheat free. During the first few days in my new job, I didn’t know where I could buy food, and when lunch meetings happened with food supplied, I thought heck, just go with the flow. I also had Jax’s 5th b’day in the mix. The problem, though, is it made me a little more apathetic about my wheat free conviction overall, so I gave myself a talking to and regained the required discipline – because it is about discipline. Wheat free is pretty hard here, but if you really commit to it, you can do it. I am also going to do a cheat day every week so I can enjoy the things I miss the most, and you know one of the main things I miss? Poached eggs with ham on toast… weirdo I know! From a physical point of view, February has been a disaster. It is raining heavily EVERY night in Singapore, so the walk has gone out the window. I’m also getting home really late, and even though I need to put my runners on and go once the boys are in bed, I haven’t done it. The truth is, even if it wasn’t raining, I probably wouldn’t have gone because I’ve come home bewilderingly exhausted every night. It’s been an intense change of life. Also because it’s raining, the pool is cold, so I haven’t been swimming. And yes, pools do get cold in Singapore, although people visiting think I’m bloody nuts when I say it’s cold… So I haven’t achieved that goal. Liquid ingestion habit changes have been interesting. In the first two weeks, no problem drinking three liters of water, although I discovered being in close proximity to a toilet is really important. Also not being stuck in traffic jams is important too… I had a few VERY close calls. However, in the second two weeks of February, I’ve probably been drinking three liters of coffee instead as my body adjusts to regular working hours. Obviously, not something that can continue… Green tea is great and I’m at one cup consistently. I’m definitely enjoying it and can see it becoming a regular fixture. BUT the cup of hot water with lemon and ginger in it… or even just lemon… well I hated it! I know people love it, but it made me gag every morning, and it takes too long when I’m trying to rush scalding hot lemon water, then breakfast, then coffee down the hatch before rushing out the door. So it wasn’t working. Reconsidering my desire to line my stomach with something alkaline, before anything else, first thing in the morning, I found a solution. In our fridge is a bottle of lovely cold water and in this water is lemon grass, lemon (or lime or orange), fresh mint and cucumber. A big cold glass is the first thing that enters my body and I love it – which is very important, because loving it ensures success. If you want to do something easy for yourself, try it out. Just put whatever amount of the ingredients you want into a big water bottle, and then drink. The longer the food is in the water, the stronger the flavour, and the same bottle can be topped up over a few days before changing the ingredients. If you serve it at dinner parties, you’ll really impress your guests too. Moving onto thoughts, while feeling extremely grateful for my three loves, my life, my work, etc, etc, etc… I didn’t do what I intended – a series of gratefulness blogs over every aspect of my life throughout the month. I’ll move that one to March I think. I did, however, start to tackle one of my most dis-empowering thought habits – my obsession with sleep and tiredness. I wrote a blog on it earlier in the month, and with the whole starting a new job thing, it was my greatest achievement this month. Whenever I find myself going into tiredness thinking, I tell myself “you have energy.” Whenever I’m facing a late night to bed – I tell myself “so bloody what, it’s not going to kill you?” And whenever I have a shocking night’s sleep I say, “so bloody what, get over it.” If you are not someone obsessed by tiredness or sleep, you won’t understand this, and while you’ll almost certainly have some other thought habit that is strange to me, this habit has definitely consumed me. Steve also finds it bizarre (because he just doesn’t think about it), but then I find the fact he can stress about a flight with the boys two weeks (or even months) before we get on a plane, weird. We’re all a bit weird after all.  But I really do feel I’ve cracked this one. I know I will have to be really vigilant around thoughts on this, but I think I’m there, and that is one hell of an achievement for someone who’s spent years obsessed with it. Therefore, hooray for me!! So “Fuck it, Enough” February had a lot of slip-ups, but seriously, tackling the sleep/tiredness thoughts is one of my great achievements so far. It’s a HUGE bad habit

I was sitting down with Steve the other night, after lots of running around that included: trying to move into a new computer; a new phone; and another phone; and then another phone; working out how to pack my bag for work; arranging clothes and shoes; sorting out makeup and jewelry to ensure time efficiency; etc; etc; etc and I stopped and said: Steve, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with change right now…. Dealing with massive amounts of change is nothing new for me – it’s something I’ve done a lot in my life, but going through it on such an intense scale this last week – with a bit more life wisdom behind me – has been interesting. Many years ago, a friend showed me a list of the top 20 most stressful things you can face in your life, and apparently, if you were going through three or more at the same time, there was a high chance you’d be experiencing significant levels of stress. Back then, I remember looking at this list and thinking – I am doing all 20, no wonder I feel a tad out of control. For some reason, I’m still doing it. I regularly throw myself into change, somehow getting through it, and then I rest and recuperate before doing it all over again. Heck I’ve moved countries seven times for god’s sake! It’s definitely been a lesson for me in recent years, one where I’m finally looking at myself to understand why. Is it because I’m searching for something? Is it because I haven’t found my path? Is it because I don’t feel connected anywhere? Or is it because I’m just one of those people that needs lots of diversity because that’s what makes life exciting? I honestly don’t know the answer – although I’m asking the question now – but I may never know, and have decided instead, it’s finally time to enjoy life for a while and make a few easier decisions too. To extrapolate on the above triple phone comment – because it provides a small example of stresses and strains faced this last week – here’s my week’s experience. As many know, phones are much more important these days, because they do a lot more stuff, and I started my new job sporting a two-year old Blackberry phone. Due an upgrade, it wasn’t a problem when the subtle suggestion came through to change my phone when loaned a Nokia. However, Steve decided to surprise me with my dream phone – a Samsung Galaxy Note II – but when I turned up for work on Monday, I was told, equally subtly, that perhaps I should reconsider having an Android phone – especially as I am in a public facing role? OK, message taken, and Steve went through the pain of convincing SingTel to exchange my phone for the Nokia Lumia 920. Yep I’d moved in to and out of four phones!! The good news is, even though I’d never considered the Nokia (and I’m not being biased here) it’s absolutely brilliant. There are some terrific features, but one in particular stands out – Kids Corner. Kid’s Corner is sensational and means the boys can’t go into my phone as it’s a separate place on the phone – it’ll make sense if you look at one. I recently found Lex almost subscribing to a big titties Web service, so this has met a timely need for me. I’m still “moving” into the phone, and once I get used to it and work out all of its quirky features, I know I’ll be happy with it. But that’s just one element in my life, and while a phone change in its own right requires a real time investment, there’s lots more going on at the same time. For example: New job, 100s of new people, new names, and new responsibilities to learn, thousands of emails to absorb, administrative procedures to understand, etc, etc, etc… New computer, updated operating system, new filing system, online communities to get involved in, etc, etc, etc… A complete new daily routine, including being ripped out of dreams about Matthew MacConaughey by an aggressive alarm clock – sigh Gone are the comfy clothes and flip flops, and in is corporate wear and all of the accessories required – which requires early morning thinking The toughest change this last week has been breaking in four pairs of new shoes at the same time – everyday my feet are in agony Mix all of this in with a desire to change my diet and exercise routine, as well as eradicating bad thought habits and well… It’s intense but I’ll get there. I know a lot of people facing change right now, so thought it might be interesting to share the experience as it is happening. If I could describe the feelings it’s confusion, anxiety, overwhelmed, tiredness, fogginess, etc… but it’s not all bad, because there’s excitement, enthusiasm, and a renewed zest for life too. So what can I do about the current intensity? Take one bloody step at a time… Can anyone else relate? Or anyone else who constantly seeks change? And if so, do you know why you do it? I mean, it’s definitely not the easy path to take… Yours, without the bollocks Andrea