Andrea Edwards

Condo living is great. There’s always something going on, people to meet, kids for the kids to play with and even the occasional argument to listen in on. Cool. Sometimes it’s not so great. For example, just now, I hear a shower outside and think it’s one of the boys playing around with the maid’s shower. Nope, both boys are accounted for being buggers in the living room. So I go outside and there is a torrent of dirty soapy water coming down all over our clean dry washing and pool towels. “Stop” I yell, it continues. “Hello can you please stop,” nothing, it continues. I go outside, look up and in the apartment above us there is a maid on her hands and knees scrubbing the outside floors. “Hello can you please stop washing the dirty soapy water over the edge of the balcony?” I ask as nicely as I can ‘cos I was a bit pissed at this point. “Mam said it’s OK.” “Well it’s not OK because you’ve got two apartments under you and we are both getting soaked.” I’d already heard Deb, the British lady below, shouting out too – welcome to Singapore Deb. Finally, it stopped. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. At our last place in Singapore we were on the ground floor (with 16 floors above us) and maids would regularly wash the balcony and spill buckets of filthy soapy water over the edge, right where an 18 month and a three month old were playing. It was infuriating. I always adopted a policy of finding out which apartment was responsible and then getting Vick, our maid, to have a word with them. I didn’t want them getting in trouble, but sometimes I had to speak to their bosses, which meant they did get in trouble. Sorry girls. You should’ve listened to Vick. It boggles my mind how people just don’t think about the impact they have on those around them – well in this case below them – but that’s communal living. Tackle it one incident at a time and stay nice. Being a bitch just makes things worse! Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

Is anyone else being pummelled with Calvin Klein’s Envy advert featuring Zoe? It turns out it’s Zoe Saldana, who apparently was in Avatar – I’m so out of the loop, because I didn’t even know who she was until I just looked it up… but I’ve got to tell you, the best day in the last month was getting a recordable set top box so I could fast forward over these painful ads. I mean she’s a sexy girl and she looks GREAT in her underwear – most women wouldn’t mind looking like that when they roll around in their jocks let’s face it, although slightly small on the boob front if you ask me. I also presume the tantalising taunt of “Calvin, or nothing at all” means she’ll look great out of them too, not to mention that you might even get to see those tattoos she’s alluded to – but puuurlease, enough already. I’ve always liked Calvin Klein ads because they feature sexy people who look great in their underpants – David Beckham was a standout, as was Freddie Ljungberg (+ package) and how could anyone forget Djimon Hounson – yummy! However, I really don’t need to hear the “models” views on life – the perspectives of the stars rarely appeals to me at all. I’m not alone in that am I? Does anyone else actually enjoy them? Do these ads make you buy more Calvin Klein gear? I think my favourite line from a corniness perspective – and it’s hard because there’s a few – is “love is a devil. That’s Shakespeare you know. Boy that man knew about love. He always makes me cry. And I’m a really good crier. You know what’s even better? When a guy cries. It makes me melt. It’s kind of like the rain. I love that too. Everything else just washes away.” I had to listen to the ad three times to get that down… I need to cleanse myself of its corniness… Put her on a poster, show her dancing around but PLEASE, no more Zoe’s perspective on life – I’m too busy working out my own! I seriously want to scream every time the ad comes on and I can’t imagine I’m alone in that? Surely that’s not the advertising executives’ goal – is it? Come on, you did the X series and that was awesome – what’s happened Calvin?? Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I went to a public toilet yesterday. It was a nice toilet. Your typical Western style bowl – which is my preference – but there were two dirty big footprints on the seat. This is not an uncommon thing in Asia as squat toilets are still very much a part of life so some girls are obviously adapting, however every time I see the footprints it gives me a bit of a chuckle to imagine someone perched up high to do their business. I have been known to perch up high myself on occasion, but not in Singapore, only in places where the toilets are so filthy you don’t want any part of your body touching a thing. I’ll never forget a train ride back in Egypt in 1992 – it was putrid. I could write a book on the toilets of the world (not that anyone would want to read it) as I have encountered every type and standard of toilet possible on my travels. From trenches in China with no walls, to filthy filthy cesspits in India, and a dirt hole in Egypt with a scorpion making a quick exit – I’ve pretty much seen it and “done it” in them all. You certainly lose your delicate nose quickly when travelling and I had an extremely delicate nose when I first started travelling. But the thing I’ve never been able to work out is exactly how do you use a squat toilet and all the accoutrements that come with it? There’s usually a hose, a bucket, a mop and a broom. Rarely is there toilet paper. The problem is I’m keen to learn, because it’s so much better for you to squat (bowel cancer rates are significantly lower in squat toilet using countries,) but it’s not like I can ask anyone. I mean, what do you say? Can you take me through the steps please and how do you do it and not come out soaked? There’s a few gals I know I could ask (but haven’t had the guts) but what if demonstrations were required? I suppose it’s something you learn from your mum or your dad and after that, you just have to work it out for yourself and try not to get too soaked in the meantime huh? All I’ve worked out so far is using a squat when wearing hiking boots versus stilettos is a very very different experience. Oh and always pack your own toilet paper. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I checked my blog stats for the first time today and it seems I’ve had nearly 4,000 hits since “Without the Bollocks” went public around October last year! Therefore I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone for reading the ramblings of my mind. I’d be thrilled if I had that many hits on our company Website www.sajeideas.com, but we’ll get there! Interestingly, “I just want to elaborate on the vagina discussion” was the number one blog with “gaining time” close behind at number two. This means I have two types of readers – people with filthy minds and those curious about our decision making processes. An interesting diaspora that! My primary readership is in Australia and the US, with Singapore, the UK, Netherlands, France, Canada, Denmark and India taking up the rear, but the curious country is Slovenia. I am very fortunate to have many friends all over the world but I can honestly say I do not think a Slovenian is amongst them (yet) – I just hope someone isn’t using it to improve their English skills ‘cos I don’t think I’m best placed to help with that…. Although they’ll improve on their swear words. So now all I need to do is convert all of my wonderful readers into members and somehow reassure those who’ve told me they’re too “shy” to comment that I’m the only one reading the responses most of the time anyway – so please comment away. It’s always awesome getting a comment or two when I post a blog. When no one comments it kind of leaves you sitting there thinking “was it that shit?” It’s akin to having a conversation with someone who doesn’t speak back and who enjoys that? I have a long term aim for “Without the Bollocks,” which I’ll share down the track, but in the meantime, thanks for all the support. I am very very grateful. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I grew up in a Catholic family. I went to Catholic Schools. Every Sunday our entire family of six would be marched off to Church, always sitting in the front row on the right hand side of a three pronged lay-out – aka the cross. But the Lord strike down ANYONE who sat in our seats – it happened a few times, but it’s alright, Mum sorted them out quick smart. Our best friends, the Pinis (all 11 of them,) were always seated in the front row opposite, and all the other good Catholic families from our town were firmly ensconced in their respective seats. It was usually a full house and the throng was often entertained by the Edwards’ family brass ensemble – something that got very uncool as the teen years progressed. I could talk a lot about those Church days (and my mother,) but I will leave it for another day as I would like to talk about one of the Ten Commandments – “Thou Shalt Not Judge.” Obviously I memorised them all, but this was always my favourite. The others just didn’t resonate. For example, coveting the neighbour’s wife and anything else your neighbours had – well you should’ve seen our neighbours, they actually had dirt floors! We certainly weren’t at risk of damnation there. There are no other Gods but me – we didn’t realise there were any other candidates – so all good on that one. Not killing or murdering – cool with that. Honouring thy father and thy mother – can that be an exception please God? Haven’t always been the best on that one… Anyways, I thought the “thou shalt not judge” rule was a goodie and I have worked pretty hard in my life not to do it. I prefer to try and understand why someone is being a dickhead or a wanker, rather than just accusing them of being a dickhead or a wanker. Most of us have underlying reasons for all of our behaviours after all – good or bad. I started to realise this rule wasn’t something many people took too seriously early on. It all came crashing down in my world, when, after exiting said Church, the women folk would light up their “Kents” and have a stitch and bitch about other women/people in the Church. I’m sure the only thing that’s changed about that church is there are no longer ashtrays available. My Dad told me that as a four year old I came up to him and said “Dad, didn’t the priest just say that we shouldn’t say bad things about people?” Why yes he said, to which I responded “Well why is Mum and her friends saying nasty things about…?” whoever it was they were talking about that week. Apparently that left him a bit stumped, because what exactly could he say to a four year old who has hit the nail on the head BUT he can’t exactly bag his wife? I’m not a fan of judgement, as anyone who knows me is aware, it just makes me feel really uncomfortable. I really do believe that there is ALWAYS another perspective. But it’s not going away anytime soon, and one of the places where judgement is getting a new lease of life is Facebook and social media generally. Take a look. There is some pretty strong stuff coming through and while communicating a painful moment is fair enough to your “friends,” bagging a complete stranger for their antics makes me squirm. Thou Shalt Not Judge is the only part of my Catholic education I still hold on to. The rest of it is pretty much out the door.. and I still have no desire to covet thy neighbour’s wife nor their ox, nor their male servant, nor their donkey…! Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I’ve talked about the communication challenges I face in Singapore in a recent blog, and recently we had a great example. We are living in a serviced apartment for a few months while we sort ourselves out. In the deal we get everything thrown in, including the apartment cleaned twice a week. The problem is they are cleaning it on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Enah, our cute little cleaner, who was donning a lovely fresh tight perm this week, is doing a great job. However I was a bit concerned about the impact on the environment caused by beds being changed two days apart, as well as fresh towels at every servicing. So I asked Enah if it would be OK to only change the beds once a week and the towels if deemed necessary? That was Tuesday. Thursday no Enah. I called housekeeping and asked when the apartment would be serviced? But mam, you told our lady you only want the apartment serviced once a week. Ummm why would I do that? It defies all logic. If she doesn’t come, it means we clean – do you really think I want that. So I said no, that is not the case, I asked Enah not to change the beds and towels. OK we will get back to you. Fine but please don’t call or knock on the door between 1-4pm as that is the time when our children will sleep. No problem lah. I’m at a meeting and at 3pm, the door bell rings. It is the head of housekeeping. Steve’s had a hell of a time getting Lex off to sleep, and now the boys are fully awake – Jax sleeps for two hours in the day typically. He loves his sleep that one. “Sir the mam told Enah only to service the apartment once a week,” the lady explained as both boys were running crazily around the apartment. Steve said “no she didn’t, she asked her not to change the bed linen twice a week and only to change the towels if needed.” “No sir, mam said only once a week.” I think that was my favourite part of the engagement, Steve being told what I said, when he had actually heard me say otherwise. So Steve tried to explain what his environmentally conscious wife was trying to get across and then said, “you know what. Let’s just keep it as is. Two servicings a week, change all beds and all towels. That would be great.” When I got home, Steve told me what went on leaving me feeling terribly guilty, and then he suggested that from now on, all discussions on any variations to the servicing agreement of the apartment, or any changes to any plans related to the household are firmly his responsibility. I happily agreed and said OK lah. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

I can’t imagine too many people on the planet who aren’t aware of the extraordinary Lady Gaga. I remember when I thought it was high time to check out this chick, as she’d obviously captured the imagination of the world. I mean, considering her inappropriate burping gets major media coverage (click title for that story) she definitely has to be of megastar status right? So two years ago, Lady Gaga entered firmly into my world and the phenomenon that is Gaga is now all around. Gaga, what do I think? On the positive side, I think she is an amazing performer, costume designer, fashionista, singer and entertainer. I love the fact that she’s out there, pushing boundaries and on some levels, I do think she is empowering for women. I love her support of the gay community, and it’s not just because she’s bisexual, it’s because they love her and she’s returning the love. Her costumes are fantastical – minimal or over the top – it’s great artistry. “Telephone” was great and while a bit saucy, it had that ‘Thelma and Louise’ edge all women love. I suppose if truth be told, I just really dig her music. However, it’s not enough for me to like the music of a person – I also need to like the impact they have on the world, or better yet, when they have no impact at all. I have to admit that I prefer performers who aren’t into the big “life” show, but then it’d be boring if they were all like that. Gaga certainly ain’t “disappearing” when the gigs are over and that is where she has me a bit stumped. When I ask myself the question – do I like her? Is she someone I admire? Do I think she’s a positive role model for women (especially young women) in a world that is very short on positive female role models?  Well you see this is where she hasn’t won me over – YET. I appreciate that EVERYTHING she does is staged – hey she’s got a very big persona to keep alive, so it’s got to be done. However Gaga sitting at the Yankees game with a bra and not much else – why? The image of her covered in blood on stage? Not so keen on that. The whole “I couldn’t give a fuck” attitude – well yes, I can appreciate it to an extent, but my concern is the impact on women, who don’t necessarily have the awareness to know how to carry this attitude off in a positive way. Gaga’s persona is aloof, out there, extreme, unreliable – you never know what you’re going to get and I think this is great. What a true entertainer should be. But is she nice and good too? I just don’t know. But even if she’s not, are her antics convincing others that it’s OK to behave like that? Gaga can, most of us can’t and except to live happily in this world. Gaga gets away with everything, but it’s the young girls walking around feeling empowered because of her that makes me concerned. And I don’t think Gaga is solely responsible for this by the way – it’s been going on for some time now – but I don’t think she’s helping the case. The world – well the Western world – is full of young teenage girls (many too chubby to get away with it) walking around with their tits out and arse cracks hanging over the tops of their jeans, and it’s not always a pretty sight! It’s also not done in an appropriate setting – like at the office. They’re also all mouth, and “fuck you,” and shagging anything with a pulse because THEY CAN! And while, to an extent, I say good on you, on the other hand, it’s not being done in a “positive” way – my concern is that the girls aren’t walking away feeling good about themselves, in fact they’re getting angry, and that makes me sad. Let’s face it; any self destructive behaviour is not good for one’s soul. Hey most of us have been there in some form or another right? In the meantime, if you want to learn more about the myth of Gaga, Wikipedia reports that her influence “on modern culture and society has provoked the University of South Carolina into offering a full-time course entitled “Lady Gaga and the Sociology of Fame” with the objective of unravelling the sociologically relevant dimensions of the fame of Lady Gaga with respect to her music, videos, fashion, and other artistic endeavors.” Now that could be a pretty interesting course I reckon? In the meantime Gaga, I know I’m not your target market, but PLEASE remember that you have incredible power to influence young girls and women in a superbly positive way and I would love to see you do it. I am not convinced yet, but as always, I remain open minded. Who knows you could be a sweet little pussycat with a big public image… I know one thing, I’ll never know. And my dear readers please do tell me what you think – good or bad? Alternatively, feel free to express any thoughts if you think I’m full of shit and should just get on with enjoying the music and forgetting about the rest of this crap… Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

So American Idol got off to a great start last night, with Steve Tyler and JLo new to the judging team. I have always been a secret admirer of JLo and Steve Tyler is a rocker from way back who definitely adds a great dimension to the panel. Randy – well who couldn’t like him? I just love his chuckle when the singing is shit, but don’t ask for his opinion first. He definitely prefers to follow. My only disappointment is Cara – where did she go? She was really hitting her stride on the show… As a general rule, I ain’t a reality TV person. It all feels a bit like feeding the Christians to the lions for me – a bit too voyeuristic as one watches other’s make a fool of themselves. It’s easy to make judgements of people on reality TV from the comfort of your own armchair, but no one ever knows what it would be like to be on TV in that situation with cameras all around, nor do many of us appreciate the power of editing, and the editing is done to create the best TV after all. But AI is different for me. It’s a singing competition and a talent show, and I love watching the people grow with the show – in confidence, talent and skill. It shows how someone with something raw can build into something great. Alternatively, it can show someone raw who just doesn’t have what it takes to become great. There’s been a host of fantastic singers in the early days who haven’t made the cut, and it’s always fascinating to observe how some can listen and learn, while others just don’t get it at all. For some reason, they are incapable of “hearing” what the judges say. We can all see it but they can’t. It’s a curious thing that. The early weeks of AI are always the funniest and the most emotional. The heart rending stories blow me away every time and, of course, you have the people who do the ridiculous. Last night wasn’t too bad, except for the Latino girl with silver stars on her tits – and it was so unnecessary because she can obviously sing. Let’s hope she takes the judges feedback and focuses on what she has to offer vocally, as opposed to her physical assets that just make her look an idiot. The Japanese “Michael Jackson” dude was a curious fellow too huh? Steve remains convinced that the truly bad performers are staged. I’m not. I think they are genuine, because there is this weird aspect to American culture where people really are convinced that they are talented. It’s a country where people believe they can be anything they want to be – which is a wonderful thing. It’s this quality in American culture that makes AI even more powerful than the other Idols around the world. There’s nothing quite like Americans self belief I’ve got to say, and I love them for that, although sometimes it’s a bit much. Every year the dorks come out to play. They have unbearably shocking voices, and all through their life, their dorky family (also featured) tell this person they are amazing. In fact, for many, everyone in their life tells them they are amazing. However when the judges tell them that singing is not their thing and that are definitely not amazing – they are truly shocked and upset. It makes for great TV and thank you America for encouraging your youth to be all they can be, even if it is misguided sometimes. It’s better than cultures telling people what they can’t be. Anyways, I just love this show and I get excited knowing tonight is an AI night. Steve does too. I’m just hoping Adam Lambert does a gig on the show as he’s an Idol competitor that rocked my world. Also Crystal Bowersox and Melinda Doolittle – three of my all time favourites, but my favourites never win… Yours, without the bollocksAndrea

Advertising outside of your home country is always intriguing, but Asia pretty much takes the cake on entertainment value for me. Forget the adverts filmed in a different language and then translated into English, resulting in the words stopping but the mouth still flapping… that’s always a giggle. It is what is being advertised and how it is being advertised that I find intriguing, because the trigger points to make me buy something are obviously very different to the trigger points within other cultures/countries. Now Asians are into skin whitening products. It was very confusing when I first landed in Singapore because I would buy some body moisturiser, for example, and my legs would come up blindingly white – not pretty. I then realised I was shopping in the body whitening products section – something I’d never come across before in my life. Confused by this, I asked my Asian mates what the hell all of the whitening products were about, and they said, in Asia, the whiter you are the richer you appear. This goes back to the days when poor people who worked the fields could be identified by their tans. So the tradition still exists and most women will do anything to avoid a tan – especially the older generation. It’s a shame though, because people who CAN tan look so much more beautiful with colour in their skin, than they do plastered with whitening products… but that’s just my opinion. Apparently I look red when I tan, according to my Indian friends, which was quite disconcerting to hear. After a holiday somewhere many moons ago, I came back to work feeling all good having colour in my skin when one of my Indian colleagues said why are you so red? What? Red? This is me with a tan. Perception is a funny old thing. Anyway, anyway, anyway, getting back to the point of this blog, I have a new favourite ad. And it’s Rexona’s new advert for a deodorant that leaves you smelling nice AND gives you white armpits within two weeks. Crikey! Rexona, one of Australia’s illustrious deodorant brands, of whom I would be a “fan” if I bothered to check if they had a Facebook page, has come to Singapore. Hooray. Unfortunately they do not stock “Classic Silk” – my preferred deodorant of choice and one I have been lugging around the planet every time I’ve lived in another country – I bought 12 cans before moving back to Singapore. Hey, when you come from a sweaty country like Australia, and you’re genetic ancestry comes from a cooler part of the world, you’ve got to agree that Australia does do deodorant better than anyone else? We have to – Caucasian Australians are sweaty bastards after all. So Rexona is here but it’s different. Bummer. However Rexona in Asia is clever because they are localising – the corner stone of success for any brand seeking global dominance – and this is what has caught my imagination. Picture this. Two women, car broken down, they’re waving for attention at the side of the ride, no one is stopping, they rip their sleeves off and get sexy, one of them does not use the Rexona brand being advertised and therefore, has no success getting attention. The other one does, and as a result, has shining white armpits, and is immediately swamped with sexy male helpers, the car is fixed and they are on their way. Personally, I have never given too much thought to the appearance of underarms. I appreciate that in the advertising world one’s armpits must look “clean,” and we all remember the steroid pumping Eastern European women at the Olympics of yesteryear for their hairy pits. However other than a “strict no hair/no smell” rule for myself, and a fervent wish that all women around me follow the same rule or kept hair hidden from view, that’s about it. But now my eyes have been opened and gleaming white pits are the vogue – at least around these parts. I have to say though, and I am sorry, but it feels a tad ridiculous to me because while I have come to understand and appreciate why Asian and darker skinned women want to look whiter, I can never agree that I think it is a great thing. Heck, in Africa, some of the women using whitening products are breaking out in skin cancers all over their body because of the toxins in this stuff. Do we really also want to be spraying this stuff into our sweat glands? And while it is certainly not going to be of the toxic grade being used in Africa, spraying any level of beach into a part of the body that absorbs everything into the bloodstream surely can’t be good? I mean the scientific evidence is already damning enough for deodorant – but I will continue using it anyway – but bleach? I long for a world where women, in particular, can feel beautiful in the skin they are in and celebrate the body shape they get. We are all constantly bombarded with images of what a perfect woman should be, and so we forget that we are perfect just the way we are, because it is the way we are. Why do we keep fighting for the impossible? Why do we accept the advertising bollocks? But more than that, I believe women are being programmed to waste precious head space on bullshit when there is so much more we can be doing with our time. Yours, without the bollocksA red Andrea PS: I do not claim to be any better about this stuff than any other woman on the planet and it shits me that I get caught up in it too

I’m obviously not writing this as a promo for Facebook (because they don’t need it) but as a promo for my needs in keeping the communication channels flowing. I’ve noticed that a lot of people are waxing and waning on Facebook now – the thrill is over huh? – and I just want to say COME BACK! In the good old days before social networking, many people didn’t stay in touch or if they did, they’d write email “letters” that I just never had time to respond to, especially since the boys have come along. Between family and wife obligations + my work, any extracurricular activities, like staying in touch with friends old and new, is part of life’s juggling act and I have been getting shoddier and shoddier at it. I do consider myself good at keeping in touch, but I have to say that it is getting much harder. And that’s where Facebook has been such a boon for me. Someone recently said you like Facebook huh? You’re pretty active on it. And the reason is I get to be a voyeur into my friend’s lives. I know what they’re doing, who they’re doing it with, how they’re feeling, and their opinions on certain events going on around them. I know who’s having babies, getting engaged or married, and even who’s getting the odd shag.It’s awesome because I can know all of this and feel connected to people who have touched my life, BUT I don’t need to spend hours and hours doing it – just a scan of my Facebook page here and there is all that’s required. I’ve found old school friends I lost touch with, old Uni buddies and even a couple of fellow Army Musicians I did my time with. It’s been very cool checking in on people from across all spectrums of my life and I’m certainly not bored with Facebook. Hey I’ve known for a long time that I’m a voyeur at heart, so it really appeals to me as a communication mechanism. So for those getting apathetic with Facebook, pick yourself up, slap yourself around the chops, appreciate it for what it is and get back online. I love knowing what’s going on in your life – good or bad – it’s a way of feeling close when we often live many many miles away from each other. Yours, without the bollocksAndrea PS: for those reading my blog and not on Facebook – e.g. Andy Noble – sort yourself out!!