Andrea Edwards

I was sitting down with Steve the other night, after lots of running around that included: trying to move into a new computer; a new phone; and another phone; and then another phone; working out how to pack my bag for work; arranging clothes and shoes; sorting out makeup and jewelry to ensure time efficiency; etc; etc; etc and I stopped and said: Steve, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with change right now…. Dealing with massive amounts of change is nothing new for me – it’s something I’ve done a lot in my life, but going through it on such an intense scale this last week – with a bit more life wisdom behind me – has been interesting. Many years ago, a friend showed me a list of the top 20 most stressful things you can face in your life, and apparently, if you were going through three or more at the same time, there was a high chance you’d be experiencing significant levels of stress. Back then, I remember looking at this list and thinking – I am doing all 20, no wonder I feel a tad out of control. For some reason, I’m still doing it. I regularly throw myself into change, somehow getting through it, and then I rest and recuperate before doing it all over again. Heck I’ve moved countries seven times for god’s sake! It’s definitely been a lesson for me in recent years, one where I’m finally looking at myself to understand why. Is it because I’m searching for something? Is it because I haven’t found my path? Is it because I don’t feel connected anywhere? Or is it because I’m just one of those people that needs lots of diversity because that’s what makes life exciting? I honestly don’t know the answer – although I’m asking the question now – but I may never know, and have decided instead, it’s finally time to enjoy life for a while and make a few easier decisions too. To extrapolate on the above triple phone comment – because it provides a small example of stresses and strains faced this last week – here’s my week’s experience. As many know, phones are much more important these days, because they do a lot more stuff, and I started my new job sporting a two-year old Blackberry phone. Due an upgrade, it wasn’t a problem when the subtle suggestion came through to change my phone when loaned a Nokia. However, Steve decided to surprise me with my dream phone – a Samsung Galaxy Note II – but when I turned up for work on Monday, I was told, equally subtly, that perhaps I should reconsider having an Android phone – especially as I am in a public facing role? OK, message taken, and Steve went through the pain of convincing SingTel to exchange my phone for the Nokia Lumia 920. Yep I’d moved in to and out of four phones!! The good news is, even though I’d never considered the Nokia (and I’m not being biased here) it’s absolutely brilliant. There are some terrific features, but one in particular stands out – Kids Corner. Kid’s Corner is sensational and means the boys can’t go into my phone as it’s a separate place on the phone – it’ll make sense if you look at one. I recently found Lex almost subscribing to a big titties Web service, so this has met a timely need for me. I’m still “moving” into the phone, and once I get used to it and work out all of its quirky features, I know I’ll be happy with it. But that’s just one element in my life, and while a phone change in its own right requires a real time investment, there’s lots more going on at the same time. For example: New job, 100s of new people, new names, and new responsibilities to learn, thousands of emails to absorb, administrative procedures to understand, etc, etc, etc… New computer, updated operating system, new filing system, online communities to get involved in, etc, etc, etc… A complete new daily routine, including being ripped out of dreams about Matthew MacConaughey by an aggressive alarm clock – sigh Gone are the comfy clothes and flip flops, and in is corporate wear and all of the accessories required – which requires early morning thinking The toughest change this last week has been breaking in four pairs of new shoes at the same time – everyday my feet are in agony Mix all of this in with a desire to change my diet and exercise routine, as well as eradicating bad thought habits and well… It’s intense but I’ll get there. I know a lot of people facing change right now, so thought it might be interesting to share the experience as it is happening. If I could describe the feelings it’s confusion, anxiety, overwhelmed, tiredness, fogginess, etc… but it’s not all bad, because there’s excitement, enthusiasm, and a renewed zest for life too. So what can I do about the current intensity? Take one bloody step at a time… Can anyone else relate? Or anyone else who constantly seeks change? And if so, do you know why you do it? I mean, it’s definitely not the easy path to take… Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

One of my most cherished friendships of the last few years is Reema and Gautam. We are now oceans apart, with them living between Australia and India, with plans to move elsewhere, and all I want to say is: please come back to Singapore? Anyway, in 2009 they came to visit us when living in Phuket – at a time when we were trying to work out what the hell to do with our lives. We weren’t in a good place back then, because we had absolutely no idea what the future held, and we’d already agreed Phuket definitely wasn’t for us at that stage in the boys’ lives. One night, while drinking copious amounts of booze and having a huge giggle, Gautam decided to tell us a story. Gataum’s one of those people that’s a natural story teller and can bring any story to life – he’d definitely be great around a campfire. However, if you read this Gautam, I apologize ‘cos I know I won’t do your story-telling justice. Hopefully I won’t screw it up too much and can at least get the essence across. So the story goes, in ancient times (India I always presumed) a great King called his wisest advisors into the throne room and asked them to come up with a piece of advice that would cover every eventuality. The advisors said (well words to that effect): “but my Lord, you are the richest, noblest and most powerful King in all the land, why do you need such a thing?” He didn’t explain his motives and again insisted they give him wise words to carry him through any situation he might face.   All of the advisors went away, discussing the King’s request, arguing over what to respond with, and it went on for many days. Eventually the oldest and wisest advisors knew the answer and wrote it down on a piece of paper (although I’m sure it wasn’t paper back then?) and gave it to the King. The King put these words in his pocket unread. Many years later, war had been raging, the Kingdom in ruins, the Army defeated and in retreat, with the enemy over the next hill ready to annihilate them all. He understood that this was the time to read the words of his wisest counselor  and when he opened the page, all it said was: “this too shall pass.” And it did. Many years after this time, the King gained his Kingdom back and entered his City upon an elephant in a triumphant victory parade, with his subjects cheering and throwing flowers to their beloved King. It was a magnificent day, his ego was enormous, and he felt invincible – but he decided to read the words again “this too shall pass.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of those words these last few years, nor can I tell you how many times I’ve both said them and had them said to me. They are so right, and while hindsight is a bitch, no matter how good or bad things might be right now, always remember: “this too shall pass.” When you keep that front of mind, there is only one conclusion to draw every day – have a bloody great time right now, and enjoy every now at every moment in your life, because now is all there is after all. Thanks Gautam – you’re a legend. We’ve carried your words with us more than you know. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Some of the activities I find uncomfortable include getting a root canal, a titanium implant, a colonoscopy and a 24 hour bus ride in a developing country while suffering from the travelers’  shits with no access to a toilet. All of these are unpleasant experiences and I can very easily add to that – starting a new job. The awkwardness, the confusion, the information overload, the fact everyone else is so much more intelligent than you, and just not knowing who anyone is, or what they’re responsible for, or who can help you, or where the toilet is, or which coffee mug you can use, or or or…. It’s always ALWAYS intense and challenging. Mix into this a complete change in lifestyle, as the mini-human alarm clocks are replaced with electric or battery operated ones, and from the moment those dulcet tones crash you out of lurid dreams, you need to leap out of bed, shower, eat breakfast, get dressed, consume as much coffee as your body can take, dry your hair, put make-up on, pack your bag, cuddle your kids, be pleasant to your husband, and then get out the door to an office on the other side of town somehow, to be there on time, only not knowing where anyone is for the meeting scheduled, and walking around aimlessly for an hour or more, wondering what the hell I do right now? Yes that has been my first few days in my new job – confused, awkward, bamboozled, overwhelmed and stupid. During these last two days I have had to ingest so much information and most of it is sitting in my brain, in a big knowledge quagmire, and it’s too soon to identify any threads of knowledge I can slowly extract and use to focus on getting something done. I know when the first thread comes loose, I will be ecstatic to sit down and actually get cracking on something useful. But until it becomes apparent what it actually is I can get started on, I remain hopelessly lost and confused. The good news is I think I’ve identified some things I can start doing next week, because once that happens, I know the flow will begin. A moment I will always remember from my very first day is finishing up a day of meetings, catching the elevator downstairs and standing in the lobby thinking – how the hell do I get home? I’d already worked out how to get to the office, but hadn’t quite gotten as far as the other important bit – getting home. I was also wearing heels – something I haven’t had to do in a very long time – so my feet were aching and I just wanted to put my fitflops on, definitely something I will be packing and taking to work with me from now on. Yes the days of comfortable shoes are upon me. But I still hadn’t worked out how to get home and I’m standing there, feet pulsing, and I look at the taxi queue, concluding (almost tearfully) there was no escape down that path as it had been raining all day and Singapore + rain = no chance in hell of a taxi. Right what else? A sign to the SMRT station – Singapore’s train system. Awesome, the only problem is I never catch the train – something that is obviously going to change. So I follow the signs, along with thousands of other people briskly heading home from work, realising that I somehow need to find love in my heart again for the human-transport-rat-race, squeezing and shoving onto the jam packed train, there are no seats available (so no foot relief in sight), and all the while I’m trying to work out which stop I need to go to, where I need to change trains en-route, getting thrown around as I can’t quite reach a hand hold through the throng of humanity, walking a long way between platforms, somehow working out how to get the next train and thankfully, falling into Steve’s loving embrace before he whisked me home, only 30 minutes before the boys went to bed, and Lex, in particular, was very unhappy with Mummy for not being around for him that day. There was anger, tears, a couple of slaps, but most importantly, lots and lots of cuddles ‘cos he just missed him Mum. Bless him.    Ironically, our little Lex always wakes up on the dot at 7am or earlier. He is the most consistent sleeper/waker-upperer I’ve ever known and for the first time EVER he slept in ‘til 8am. I had to say goodbye to him in bed, so I gave him a kiss and was out the door before he surfaced. I think waking up to a house with no Mummy in it, and then not seeing her again ‘til 30 minutes before bedtime, was just too much for my little man that day. Jax, on the other hand, was woken up at the same time as us, as he was nestled in our bed as usual. I reckon if anything is going to cure him of needing to sleep in Mum and Dad’s bed, it’s definitely going to be a daily aggressive alarm clock! So there you have it. I’m so glad it was only two days to get through in the first week, as I can now reflect and work out how to best approach each day, to ensure all of my time is maximized to meet all of my needs, as well as the families, and it’s given the boys a short taste of their new life with a lot less Mummy time. Phew, I’m definitely a bit blown away by it all. A lot of adjustments for everyone to make, but now that the initial stupid time is over, I’m looking forward to getting stuck into next week and working out where and how I can make a positive contribution and move forward quickly.

My littlest pudding, Jax, is five today and He’s the Man. He knows everything and has absolutely no problem arguing with anyone who contradicts him. He’s completely charming and nothing upsets him more than not being able to wrap people around his little finger – especially the ladies. He’s very cheeky and spends a large part of his day practising funny faces and multiple accents – however, based on his two best mates and 1st girlfriend originally coming from India, that’s his signature accent, although American is in there too.  There’s no doubt about it – he’s definitely picked up his Dad’s talent for accents. Overall Jax is annoying, argumentative, cantankerous and a big pain in my arse. But life without Jax would be very dull indeed. He makes me laugh every day, because he has a cracking sense of humour and I love it when he shares his dreams with me. I have great admiration for his strength of character, and while sometimes he’s a cranky bastard, he is such a strong little dude, who stands up for himself and for those he loves. His big brother drives him nuts and when Jaxie’s blood boils, man can he go wild. But if anyone else messes with Lex, he’s at his brother’s side 100 per cent, ‘cos no one has that right. It also appears Dad is not immune to Jax’s chivalry. During a recent pool-tussle between Mum and Dad, Jax took it on himself to beat his Dad up, because no one messes with his Mum either…. It’s pretty impressive having three lads who’ve got my back. Jax is magic and marvelous – I bloody love him. He’s got such an amazing future ahead of him – if we don’t screw him up along the way of course. He’s smart, curious, gentle, loving, charming, funny, strong and resilient. He knows who he is, what he likes (and Lightening McQueen remains top of the pops), and has a strong sense of justice. He also “knows” things, and so we’ve nicknamed him the prophet. It’s amazing how much our little man predicts and comes true – definitely one to listen to. My only wish for him is that he sleeps in his own bloody bed… I know it won’t last forever, as I’m sure he won’t be visiting us once puberty kicks in, but it’s been a long year of nightly interruptions… Jax you’re a terrific kid my love, and while I acknowledge that I’m biased, I figure that’s a Mother’s privilege. Happy 5thbirthday my love – you’re a cracker. Right, let the spoiling begin. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Today I have a question for you – would you consider yourself an optimist or a pessimist? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, because it would have been very easy for me to slip into pessimistic thinking these last few years, so I feel quite pleased with myself that I retained my optimism – although some days / weeks / months were shaky. The reality is, I was born optimistic and I hope my boys are too – although I’ll love them if they’re pessimists equally, I just hope they’re not. With that said, while I am definitely an optimist, I don’t think being a pessimist is a bad thing, it’s just not what I choose to be. Typically, a pessimist is a person who expects the worst – or the “wrong” outcome – but they are excited when proven wrong. An optimist will expect the “right” outcome and of course, are devastated when it doesn’t turn out as planned. If you look through the meaning of both words, there are various aspects that contribute to us being one or the other, and of course, many people sit somewhere in the middle, or switch during the journey we call life. So I’m an optimist. My glass is pretty much always half-full, and even when life gets hard, I still hold onto my optimistic tendency. I know I can be annoyingly optimistic, but I like living my life expecting the best of everyone and everything. It’s a good mindset for me. For example, everyone I meet gets the benefit of the doubt, and if they prove to be a dick along the way, that can be disappointing but it is what it is. I’m also rarely surprised when people are dicks. It’s important for me to always start from a place of liking people, trusting that we can make a connection, because ultimately, I believe everyone is good. I find it challenging when I meet people who demand that I earn their trust first, mainly because it’s not the way I operate, so it’s hard not to be offended when it happens. Most of the time I seem to pass the pessimists “test” and when I don’t, I move on. I know who I am and that’s life – you can’t get on with everyone. I also believe that things work out for the best, and while I don’t always appreciate the “best” that eventuates, I have a tendency to go with the flow (usually after having it’s a not fair tantrum) and focus on improving my lot from there. The idea that every aspect of my life is as it’s meant to be appeals to me. As such, even when stuff gets really shithouse, I dig deep, trying to understand what it is I’m supposed to learn so I can move forward and change my reality. That’s just the way I see things. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but we’re all so different. Reading up on optimists and pessimists while writing this blog, I found this great link with lots of insightful quotes on both. It appears that some pessimists believe optimists are stupid, and vice versa. You know, we are who we are and I choose to be an optimist when all of the evidence points otherwise. I’ve seen and experienced lots of bad stuff, but I still prefer to be an optimist, because, as a general rule, I reckon life is bloody great. I see optimism as a very clear choice and definitely not an indication of stupidity. In fact, considering some of the horrendous stuff I’ve witnessed around our world, it’s amazing I choose to remain an optimist, but it sits well “within” me. So which one are you and why? Or have you been one and then became the other because something happened? I just find it an interesting question and I’d love to know how you see yourself? But please, let’s not bag each other. We’re all such deep and complex creatures, each with our own experiences and interpretations of those experiences (that others are never able to understand), so can I ask that we be sweet to each other – pretty please? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea PS: if you’re interested, I found this test “Are you a Defensive Pessimist?” Check it out and see if you are…

Big news in the Without the Bollocks household – I’ve been offered a position within an IT companies’ APJ communications team and I’m going for it. To say I’m excited is an understatement, but I’m also terrified as well – heck I’ve been out of the traditional workforce since 2006, enjoying everything that comes with running my own business. It’s time though. I need to get my teeth into something bigger than me. I need to push my brain to its limits. I need to be part of a team that is working together to achieve some great stuff. But I’m most excited about working for this particular company. I’ve worked with it many times throughout my career, and have always been impressed by the level of passion and intelligence of its employees – not sucking up, just how I’ve always seen it. It’s also a company at such an interesting stage of its evolution, and I’m super excited to be part of that. It’s definitely a great move for me. The funny thing is, as most people in my age-group are looking to escape the corporate rat-race, I’ve decided it’s time to get back on board. But this is a different path for me. When I left the Australian Army in 1993, I joined an aerospace company and I LOVED that job. Since then, I’ve always been on the agency/consultancy side, and the bit that excites me the most about this role is it’s inside a corporation, not on the outside. The learning curve is going to be steep but I’m ready – very ready! My heart is torn over one key aspect though – my little loves. For the first time in their lives, I’m not going to be accessible to them. Working from home, if Mum is needed – even when someone else is taking care of them – I am on tap, and that is going to be a big adjustment for all of us to make. But they need less of me and to be honest, I need a little less of them too. I’ve given them my all in their important early days, and while I can’t say I’ve loved every minute of it, I’ve always willingly dropped everything when they’ve called. But Lex is now six, Jax five next week, and they’re becoming big boys, with their own lives, own friends, and own interests. It’s time for all of us to make this move. It won’t be easy though and I know I’ll need to wrap them up in love when I see them after work every day. Steve might get a cuddle too. So there you go – a significant life change for me, a great one too, and a goal for my FIE Crusade – to get back in it again. But I start NEXT WEEK – CRIKEY – I need to go shopping. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Hi, my name’s Andrea and I’m obsessed with sleep and tiredness. I’m obsessed with getting enough of it and not getting enough of it, and I spend a LOT of time thinking about being tired. I know exactly when this started – it was 1985, I was 15 years old and my parent’s decided it was a good time to start going through a very messy divorce. That resulted in my first bout of insomnia – which was hardly surprising considering I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders back then. Insomnia has kicked my arse a few times since (usually lasting 2-3 months at a time), but the worst was after Jax was born. I couldn’t believe I was being cursed with insomnia after having a baby! I’d go to bed, with Jax all nestled up in the crib next to me, and then I’d toss and turn all night, finally getting to sleep somewhere between 4-5am, only to be woken at 6am by a little man requiring a feed. It was a brutal time and as I’d been diagnosed with pre-natal depression, it made sense that it was now post-natal depression, as insomnia is an indication of this. I haven’t talked about this a lot to date, but that’s because I’ve just been trying to work my way out of it and it’s not an easy thing to do. Anyway, I have identified this as a significant and often crippling thought habit that I need to eradicate. I watch Steve, who often gets the same amount of sleep, but most of the time, he’s able to just get up and embrace his day. He doesn’t think about it. Yes he didn’t get enough sleep, yes he’s feeling a bit weary, but he gets on with it and doesn’t obsess over it like I do. He often finds my way of dealing with it quite perplexing, as he learnt at a young age it was his mind that was in control, and so he chose to think positively about sleep. I never learnt that lesson and so I wake up thinking about sleep, with the first thought usually wrapped around how bad my sleep was or how tired I’m going to be today. It sets the tone for the whole day… and obviously that’s not a good tone. The thing is, this thought habit does not diminish my ability to work or play, and I still work harder and live fuller than most people do. That’s not the issue because it doesn’t impact my productivity. What it does impact is my joy. Because I spend so much time thinking about it, those times in between living and working are typically wrapped up in thoughts about sleeping and exhaustion. It really messes with my mind! So how do I eradicate it, especially as I still have two little fellas disturbing my sleep? Well apparently I’ve got to get my thinking sorted out. I’ve asked many people about this and those I’d consider specialists have told me to just stop thinking about it and replace the thoughts with something positive. Easy, right? Not at all! When you are feeling exhausted down to your very bones, it is very very challenging to say to yourself “I feel awesome, let’s rock this day.” The reality is, when you try to do that with yourself, you just want to reply with a “fuck off you bloody idiot, it’s all bullshit because I am tired.” Since the age of 15 I’ve read many books about sleep and obviously I do everything I can to ensure a good night’s sleep – although I’m not perfect. I don’t drink coffee after mid-day, because it’s not a good idea for me. I try to avoid all additives and preservatives that can affect my ability to sleep. I try to get to bed at a reasonable time. I try to ensure the ambience in the room is right for good sleep, such as a dark room, no flashing lights, etc… I try to exercise to ensure I’m tired enough.  And there are many other things I do. With that said, across the board, I could do much better – like taking all electrical appliances out of my room, including the Wi-Fi connection, electric clock, etc… and not eating any chocolate after 8pm would be a good idea too. There is definitely improvements to be made, and I will get there, but in the meantime I have something far more important to achieve. I need to stop thinking about it. I need to replace tired thinking with energized thinking. I need to be excited by my life every day because then I won’t feel tired because I’m too busy being excited by what I’m doing that day. I need to be super busy. I need to remember that lack of sleep isn’t going to kill me, but thinking about it and stewing over it probably will. I just need to get rid of this obsession because I waste too many valuable thoughts on it when I could be applying those thoughts in a much more positive direction. I’m tired, so what. Keep going. I also don’t want to be a tired parent for my boys, influencing them to be like that in their lives. If they only ever hear “I’m tired” from their Mum – the chances are they will be too. I would be very sad if that was the legacy I left them. I want them to be excited and passionate every day of their lives, but to help them achieve that, I need to embody it. So that is my main goal this month – re-programming my mind and seeing if I really can change this life-time mind-set to change my reality. The power of the mind is amazing – and we still know so little about it – so I’ve decided it’s time to see if I can really make a big difference