April 27, 2016

It was only a matter of time. It was always going to happen. However when your child walks out crying hysterically, and you lay your eyes on an arm sitting at an impossible angle, the feeling that spreads throughout your body is like nothing you’ve ever known before. Arriving at the first hospital. Still smiles for a camera Of course you immediately go into “let’s sort this shit out” mode, and I got dressed and ready in a nano-second, called a cab and we were off to the hospital, and then another hospital because I went to the wrong one – FUCK! Those moments in the cab last night were very long and hard to endure, but equally, we had three cabbies who showed the true majesty of the human spirit – care and kindness. But last night there were a couple of moments which I think will haunt me for some time. Firstly, though, what happened? The boys were in bed, promising to be calm and go to sleep, so all seemed promising. Of course they weren’t going to sleep, because apparently there were some issues to sort out – a fight over who got to sleep with the cat I believe? A tussle ensued and Lex came down and landed on his wrist. So glad we bought those bunkbeds – not. When reality struck, there was nothing else to do but brace ourselves to face the situation ahead. However, the first moment that will haunt me for a while is with Jax. He was devastated and convinced it was all his fault. Oh love, it was an accident and it’s no one’s fault. Besides, he could have been the one to fall, so no one can be blamed for what happened. It was bad luck all round and its kids right? Two clean breaks The challenge, though, was I couldn’t deal with Jax’s emotional needs at that point, because Lex’s need was much more important. I left the apartment telling him it would all be OK, leaving him with Jona, our lovely helper, and she told me he was in absolute torment all night. To make matters worse, he didn’t see Lex this morning before school, because Lex was still sleeping after returning home at 3am from the hospital. Suffice to say this was a really reallybad time for Steve to be away on business. The second haunting was the screams. Because Lex landed on his hand, face and side, he had carpet burns on his face and hip. Due to possible head trauma, they couldn’t put him under and instead had to use a blocker on the arm, which they assured me would take away the pain. Once the blocker was in, they could painlessly pull the bones back into place, as he’d broken both bones in his right forearm cleanly. I stayed with Lex in the operating room while they put in the IV needles. Both hands required needles and no worries getting one into the unbroken hand – success first time finding a vein. However, it took five attempts on the broken hand and he was beside himself by this point. I work really hard to help the kids not have a fear of needles, but I think I lost a lot of ground last night. IV needles in It was now time to kick me out of the room, with the door promptly locked behind me. Then the screaming started and it went on and on and on.   I was crying, walking around in circles, banging on the door, shoving the door trying to get it loose. It wasn’t supposed to hurt, that’s what the doctor said. I called Steve and he could hear Lex’s screams over the phone. I feel bad I called him in hindsight, but what else can you do when you feel so bloody hopeless and powerless? I hung up. I couldn’t talk anymore. Then Lex screamed out “someone, please, help me!” Oh fuck, what mother wants to hear that. It was completely SHIT! They wouldn’t let me in, but eventually a doctor was at the door knocking, they let him in and there was no way I wasn’t coming in too. “You said it wouldn’t hurt? This could screw him up for life. He might change who he has the potential to be. He might become fearful. Scared of taking risks. Frightened of doctors for the rest of his life. It wasn’t supposed to hurt. I would never have agreed to this. Why couldn’t we sedate him?” Lex looked haggard. The doctor was very sweet and reassuring. She said it probably isn’t hurting, but he is convinced it is. I don’t know. This was a bad Core Memory moment for my sweetheart and we’ve got to work hard to make sure he comes out of this stronger – somehow. Am I equipped for that? I don’t know. But then the reality of the new doctor struck. They got one bone back in place, but this was an osteo doctor and the other bone needed to be put back in place too. He couldn’t leave the hospital with one bone out of alignment. Also we only had five minutes on the clock to do it. I had to leave the room again. They locked the door. 2am can we PLEASE go home mum? He didn’t scream this time. They got the bone back in place. Lex was so bloody brave. So amazing. And he was actually quite funny too, especially with his swearing attempts – “this frickin sucks” was one. How can you tell a kid off for using mummy and daddy words at that point? He was quite right. It completely sucked. I hated that Steve wasn’t there. I hated hearing my kid scream in pain. I hated leaving another son in tears believing it was all his fault. You’re right Lex, this frickin sucked a very big one. But it’s done. It’s over. They won’t tussle