June 22, 2011

“Go the Fuck to Sleep” has become a global sensation. It went viral, Samuel L. Jackson did the voiceover (although strangely I can’t access it in Singapore) AND now it’s got a publishing deal + pissed off some family advocacy groups. Well done – I love stories like this. The only problem is, getting my kids off to sleep has never been an issue (getting them to sleep long enough is,) but equally frustrating, getting them to stop touching stuff my remains a constant ball ache, so I’ve decided to write my own children’s book for your viewing pleasure. All I need now is an illustrator, then for it to go viral, get Angelina Jolie to do a voiceover and bam, world domination…. Well hardly, but in an effort to entertain my dear followers, here goes: Please, Just Leave it the Fuck Alone By Andrea Edwards (with some ideas from Steve Johnson) Dedicated to my sons, Lex and Jax Johnson. If it wasn’t for you, life would be more peaceful and we’d have a lot more money and sleep BUT it would be dull and empty of all the wondrous moments you give us everyday. My darling you’re crawling around now I’m so proud of you moving on your own No don’t touch the $20,000 Bose stereo love Please, just leave it the fuck alone It’s lovely seeing you toddling around dear I know you like my brand new Vertu diamond encrusted phone Instead of putting it in the microwave sweetheart Please, just leave it the fuck alone You’re 18 months and into everything now Even munching on the poor doggies’ bone But that Cartier necklace cost Daddy loads my love Please, just leave it the fuck alone You’re two today, happy birthday my beauty You’ve really worked out how to atone But it doesn’t stop you munching on the poo brush does it? Please, just leave it the fuck alone Mummy’s cosmetics are obviously intriguing for you Even Mummy’s rare Ivory handled comb But I draw the line at decorating with my lipsticks darls Please, just leave it the fuck alone It’s your 4th birthday today, hooray my treasure What an explorer you’ve been in the home You’ve finally found Mummy and Daddy’s “special draw,” great Please, just leave it the fuck alone PS: for anyone thinking of robbing me, I do not have a $20,000 Bose stereo, nor do I have a Vertu diamond encrusted phone, a Cartier necklace or an Ivory handled comb – because I abhor the killing of elephants or any living creature for any reason, except when it comes to a good steak. We also don’t have a dog, and mind your own business about our “special draw.” I could go on and on and on because my boys remain dedicated to getting into EVERYTHING and NOTHING is sacred! And for those who don’t think women/mothers can write this sort of shit, HELLO!! I’ve got books of this stuff – in my head at least. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea