January 20, 2018

Part of my 50 Years #50 Wisdoms journey. Join me as I hurtle towards 50 on the 1stof January 2020. On the 1st of January 2018 I turned 48. I remember a time when someone told me they were 48 and I thought they were really really old. Then on New Year’s Eve, I met this gorgeous lady, maybe in her 70s or even 80s – I couldn’t tell – and when she realized it was my birthday and I told her I was 48, she said wistfully… “Oh 48, such a wonderful age….” That small comment made such an impact and it was a beautiful reminder to be here, in the moment, RIGHT NOW, loving the life you have, because why not hey? It’s not old, especially the way I choose to live life! But 48 also marks a two-year journey to half a decade and having watched a few people hit that milestone in recent years, I know it can be a biggie – especially psychologically and emotionally. Many shit themselves in the lead up! As such, I’ve decided to embark on a two-year journey to get to 50 wisdoms I’ve gained in the journey of life. Some funny, some serious, and some down right practical. Over a two-year period, I reckon I can hit 50, so here is the first wisdom….   The Voice in your head is a bitch/bastard – so get it under control   I really must start with the internal voice in your head, or what I call “my personal saboteur.” There are so many other wisdoms to share, but this was the right one, because my year saw me start with a head full of doubts. The narrative in my head, these last couple of weeks, goes something along these lines…. “Are you fucking kidding yourself?” “Why would anyone care what you have to say?” “It’s all been done, what makes you think you have anything special to add?” And on it goes, relentless, never ending, filling me with doubts and other nasty feelings. Trying to understand The Voice   To go back in time, I’ve taken an active interest in understanding why we even have The Voice, and have discovered two things: It seems to more predominantly impact ladies, although there are definitely men suffering it too AND there are many people on this planet who just don’t have it at all. These folks struggle to understand why other’s do and when you talk about it, they are often mystified. Those without The Voice are the ones who’ve given me confidence it could be rid of, or at least managed. So thank you voiceless ones When did it start?   The Voice started in my teen years. I don’t remember it any younger, because I was too free and easy to be impacted by anything – carefree days indeed. No, it was definitely those deep, dark, complex days when I was developing into an adult – the teenage years. It sunk its fangs in and has held on for dear life ever since. My oh my… Why do some of us have The Voice?   One of the things I’ve struggled with is why we even have it?   Why does it start?   What purpose does a negative voice in our head have, if it’s not helping us to be happier, greater, more magnificent?   Why is it even a thing?   What part of human evolution saw this come into being?   Or is it a modern thing?   I just don’t know the answers… When I try to think about it logically, I acknowledge that this is not some outside interference. Someone else making us feel this way. It is us in there, speaking to ourselves, ripping ourselves apart, being unkind to our dreams and ambitions. No one else, just us. Why? Is this our ego speaking, as some have suggested? Although I have to say, I’ve struggled with this idea, because it’s definitely not an egotistical thing. But it does make sense in a different way, depending on how you define ego… Is it upbringing?   Adults not paying enough attention as young people develop?   Is it society and unrealistic expectations about what it means to be successful – beauty, career, money, etc…?   Is it from being part of a broken family?   Our education system?   Religion?   Something else? Maybe it’s the core of why we have imposter syndrome? (BTW this is a great article on imposter syndrome – 21 Proven Ways To Overcome Impostor Syndrome – if it’s a challenge for you). If there is anyone out there who can provide any insight on The Voice, I would LOVE to hear about it. This is a life mystery I haven’t cracked yet, the why of it all. So what can we do about it?   Because I’ve taken an interest and shared this experience with people who do and do not have The Voice (many in the “do not have it” camp have been very perplexed when I’ve brought it up by the way), I decided to see if I could do anything about it. First up, I made a commitment to myself – if The Voice in my head wasn’t serving me, making my life better, pushing me to achieve greater goals, pushing me out of my comfort zone and helping me believe anything was possible – well then, it wasn’t serving me and must be ignored. So for a month, I decided that whatever The Voice said, I would ignore it. No, I must tell the truth   I swore at it. I told it to fuck off. But The Voice is relentless, so when it kept coming back, I told it to fuck off again. In fact, I told it to fuck off as many times as I needed to say it until it shut the fuck up. The first time you silence The Voice – and it’s