April 23, 2012

I’ve always had a lot of internal self belief – it’s something I know and appreciate within myself – and while I’ve never seen it as an arrogant thing, I’m sure it could come across that way sometimes. But I know it’s not, because it’s my fuel, my driving force, and I just like to give life a go and believe in my ability to achieve whatever it is I set my mind to. If things don’t work out, I pick myself up, shake myself off, learn the lesson and start again. A couple of months ago my self-belief took a hammering, when I realised I was bitterly disappointed that some promising opportunities were not happening, no matter how strongly I believed they would. Now I understand that if a door closes, another one opens and all is as it’s meant to be, but in the last few years it’s felt like a lot more doors have slammed than opened – and truth be told, I’m getting pretty exhausted by it. This disappointment that kicked me in the arse a couple of months ago quickly turned into feeling like a failure, and when I finally shook that shit off, it became a very deep soul searching time – one I’m still trying to come out of. I regularly go into deep navel gazing periods and I never mind it when it happens – even if it’s painful sometimes – because it’s how I face myself and come out the other side a little wiser, more content, and most importantly, happier. But this recent soul searching expedition has been a doozy and the longest I can remember. I’m not at the end of it yet, but I do feel like it’s close to completion. I hope so. I value these times, but Steve wants me back, and while he understands that I need to go there, it’s hard being married to someone who’s living inside their head when they are with you – present but un-present. I’m coming back my love, I promise, just be patient, I need to do this. You’ll get a better me at the end! The thing I have learnt during this introspective time is I am not a failure! Good! Best to get that shit out of one’s head – because what the hell does being a failure mean anyway? I don’t believe anyone is a failure, so why allow myself to go there? The second thing I’ve appreciated is my self-belief is an ally, and while this time has been extremely testing as far as that’s concerned, it’s helped me to realign and re-focus on what my dreams are and my commitment to making them happen. As an example, in recent months, people have suggested I consider a different direction, because what I’m trying to do obviously isn’t happening the way I planned, and I’ve seriously considered this. But in considering it, it’s brought me full circle to the realization that if I change track now, when I’m so close, I’ll be so very disappointed in myself, and it will mean putting my dreams on hold again. I don’t want to do that, I really don’t. Steve supports me in that as well, even though it’s making our life a little harder than it needs to be right now. But if I give up now, how close am I to the top of the hill where success lies? I’ll never know. I’ve faced a lot of stumbling blocks in recent years. I find the mother/wife/work/writing/me juggle hard to manage most days. I’ve found the challenges we’ve faced with Lex so distressing it’s hard to put into words sometimes, and the impact has been huge – that’s another self-belief being hammered, my belief in Lex. I’ve found our “unsettled-ness” hard to cope with because the solution is not so obvious to us – we are not as certain as most people about where they want to be, because let’s face it, the road less travelled does not have a lot of sign posts. We’re definitely trying to do life differently. There’s a lot more in the mix, BUT I have to hold onto my self-belief no matter which way the currents in life take me. It’s not bloody easy, because it feels like the walls are closing in all around us, but if I stay my path, well then, that’s where true happiness lies right? I believe so, and that’s all part of my self-belief. I am a believer. I believe the life you live is the life you dream. I believe the only limitations are the ones I allow myself to believe in. And I believe I can be seriously happy and content. I’m not at my pinnacle yet, I may never get there completely, but shit, I won’t give up half way on the journey – that’s for sure. Can anyone else relate? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea