February 2012

I was chatting with one of the school mum’s at a birthday party yesterday. She’s from China and incredibly sweet. I told her I backpacked solo around China in 1995, and while one of my most rewarding trips; it was also incredibly difficult back then – especially when you got off the beaten track. A different place now right? She said I must go back and I have, but it was on business, so that’s a whole new world of travel. Hey five star luxury has its merits right? Then I asked her something – have they started to address the issue of putting walls and doors up in public toilets to give the user some privacy? She thought I was hilarious and so I told her a story. One thing is definite, my personal toilet stories from around the globe could fill a book, but there is one story in China I will never EVER forget. It was the day in 1995 I visited Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City. While wandering around the Square – trying to capture an essence of what had happened only a few years before – that feeling came over me, the feeling of you need to go to the toilet and you need to go NOW. Hey, I was travelling, and sometimes you eat the most curious things, and those curious things often need to get out fast…. need I say more? So I ran – and I have done this desperate dash many times in many countries, and I can tell you one thing, it is not a pleasant experience. Thankfully there were toilets on the edge of the Square and after scrambling in my bag to pay the small fee and probably paying more because I couldn’t be arsed looking for change, I was in. But then about 20 women followed me in and here I was desperate, with an audience, yet resigned to the fact nothing could get in the way of my need. The problem was the “toilet” was a long channel with no walls or doors. We were required to squat over said channel, in full view of each other, and the 20 women who followed me in were not there for their own personal ablutions – they were there to check out the funny white girl. I squatted, closed my eyes, resigned to the fact that even in this most intimate of acts I was a curiosity, and could hear the girls giggling as I did my business. I opened my eyes and ahead of me five girls were squatting and smiling at me, a couple bending down to get a better “look,” and behind more were doing the same – not a nice view. The rest were just standing there looking at me with big smiles on their faces. Before I travelled, the prudish me could never have imagined being in a situation like this, but since then I’ve learnt to live and let live – because in hindsight they are always hilarious situations and let’s face it, good conversation fodder for a night in the pub. In those days in China, the majority of people never left the country, and someone like me was just too different to be ignored. However, their curiosity was always gentle, and most of the time it was very welcome. I just would have preferred some privacy on the bog. Any worthy toilet stories to share? I could go on all day! Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

This is me at almost 18. Frocked up for my High School graduationI thought I was fat and hideous – a waste of energy Punch myself in the face or shake my hand? That is the question “Dr. Harry” of BBC’s “Silent Witness” asked “Dr. Nicky,” and I thought it was a terrific question. If I met my 19 year old self, I’d just want to give her a very very big hug and say everything is going to be OK and your life will be amazing. I’d say I know you’re feeling angry and confused, I know you’re finding it hard to work out where you fit in the world since your family unit self-destructed, and I know you’re really struggling with self acceptance, but I can promise you one thing – it’s all going to be AMAZING, but you’ve got a few more confusing years ahead of you before you work that out. Then I’d grab both of her shoulders, look her squarely in the eyes and say: But I’m not going to tell you anything else specific about your future, because it is the decisions you make today, the people you meet today, and the experiences you have today that are going to lead you on a wild and wonderful adventure, where you live in multiple countries, visit the world’s most amazing cities, and your feet will walk the Wonders of the World. She’ll like that. Then I’d say it’s all good, and besides, if I gave you any advice, you’d tell me to piss off anyway, because you’re a stubborn bloody bitch who takes your own counsel very seriously – and for good reason. While many in your life will tell you this is not a good quality, and some will even resent you for it, it will always serve you well. But do pay attention to the teachers along the way – they come in many forms those life teachers. The only way your strength and self belief is detrimental is that people don’t always see when you need a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes you will find this extremely challenging to deal with, because all you’ll want is for your friends to “see” you, but you don’t know how to ask for help, so be gentle on those who don’t see it. They really don’t grasp your anguish because you are very good at hiding it – your future husband will get it, don’t you worry. But if you want help, learn how to ask for it – there’s no weakness in that and your friends will appreciate it more than you know. Then I’d tell her that she has some pretty strong opinions on things right now, but life will provide her with a lot of experiences, and many of the ideas she is fixed on now will change significantly. If I told her what some of the opinions she’d change were, she would say NEVER, but I know it to be true. I’d tell her to learn how to live in the moment and get to work on quieting her mind now – something she will never find easy to do – suggesting maybe she looks into meditation at this time in her life, rather than much much later. I’d tell her to let go of any bullshit in her life quickly, and when people take too much from her, to let them go too. But at the same time to never resist accepting the diversity of people in her life, because that is where she will find the most joy. When she gets to her 40s, she will feel extremely blessed by the vast community of very different and wonderful people who have touched her life and remain in it – mostly from afar – to this day. This will be her greatest sense of achievement – the relationships she’s built with people and the deep understanding of life she has gained from this. Right now I’ll tell her it’s her openness to people and experiences that will be her greatest gift to herself. So always be open, put yourself out there (even when it’s scary to do so) and always expect the unexpected. I’d tell her she would have some very lonely times ahead, and while she is in the middle of these times – sometimes close to despair – that she shouldn’t worry. Everything comes good in the end. I’d tell her these times – especially when she is travelling alone for months at a time to far flung places in the Middle East, Europe, Asia and the Americas – are the best investment she can ever make in her own personal growth, even if it’s not particularly pleasant at the time. It is these experiences more than any other, where she will face herself, question everything she’s ever heard or known, and expose herself to deep introspection, and as a result, she will grow the most. She’ll learn that judgement of others is never welcome because none of us can ever know anyone else’s story, and she’ll shake off a lot of the bullshit that will no longer serve her or be relevant to who she is. She’ll enjoy this chat. It will give her a lot of hope. It will help her to keep her convictions even when others are trying to bring her down, and it will make her excited – because right now, all she wants to do is get out and travel this big wide world. The only specific event I’d talk about is this: just before Christmas 1994, when she visits her lifelong friend Emma, and her baby girl Ruby, I’d tell her to make sure she gives Emma a very very big hug when she says goodbye. I won’t tell her that this is the last time she’ll see Emma – as she dies in a motorcycle accident a few days later – because it will be a grief too big

I’ve just returned from taking Lex to yet another specialist appointment – this time a paediatric specialist, who I was told is “the Miracle Man” – someone who could really help us understand what we are dealing with. As far as Miracle People are concerned, I have noticed a lack of specialists who seem to have any idea about the challenges parents face when dealing with a speech delayed child – but that’s another story. After a discussion and examination, he said Lex was neurologically fine, physically strong, and that intensive speech, OT and behavioural therapy are the most important things we can do right now – which is what we are doing. He said the main need is to focus on his speech, and with OT and behavioural therapy we can help him manage his emotions – in particular his frustration when he is not understood or struggling to achieve milestones. So that’s all good and what I’ve known all along. However, I went there today hoping he could help us understand why Lex’s behaviour can change so dramatically for a day, a week or a month. This dramatic change in behaviour (while challenging to deal with and the cause of a lot of problems, especially in the school environment) seems to precede a growth spurt or language development spurt I’ve noticed. The doctor agreed, saying he’s trying to integrate new learnings and abilities, but this can cause a lot of frustration and challenges for a child. The conclusion? Lex needs time and intensive therapy, after which the doctor said he’ll probably catch up in 6-12 months. We see him making amazing progress every day, so we know he’s going to be fine – albeit a pain in our arse at times. At the end of the appointment, he said: “your son is obviously intelligent, curious and maybe a little more active than “normal,” but keep doing what you’re doing, because I expect he will be fine.” Thank you doctor. For once I met a really nice guy who didn’t seem to feel the need to put a label on my son, and who actually listened to what I had to say. However I’ve come back feeling annoyed because I knew this all along and my time is precious. But I also feel vindicated because at least a specialist has supported what I’ve always believed to be the case. Finally I feel frustrated, because I know my son – I deeply know and understand him – but schools and other institutions will only take the advice of a specialist, who may spend a total of 30 minutes with them, providing a prognosis that may or may not be correct, and that is more valid than five years of day-to-day exposure to a child? I appreciate that some parents wear rose coloured glasses where their children are concerned. I’m not one of them. I want him to be OK desperately, but I also want to know what is going on so I can help him in the best possible way, so maybe, just maybe, the parents’ point of view is valid in these scenarios too? There’s a crazy thought huh? As I’ve said before, ALL I can do is believe in Lex and do everything it takes to help him catch up and move a little bit closer to “normal” by societies standards, because then I hope his life can be a little bit smoother. However let me be clear – I definitely don’t want Lex to be “normal” because why would I? I want him to be, in fact I encourage him to be, exceptional, in whatever way his heart desires. But fitting in a little bit sure does make life easier. And so what do we do now? We continue loving, supporting and believing in our son, while also feeling grateful that we can actually afford the therapy he needs right now. My heart goes out to parents dealing with a similar situation without the means to support their children’s additional needs financially. That makes me/us some of the lucky ones. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

The last few weeks have been pretty shabby, for a lot of reasons, so when I’m feeling low I read and there are a couple of authors I like, because they help me to refocus and get back into the optimistic mindset I always prefer to have out of choice. Sometimes it’s not easy to achieve, sometimes it feels impossible, but I’m pretty determined to always try and get there.  I just think it’s a much nicer place to be. Anyways, one of the authors I enjoy reading is Neale Donald Walsch. He’s written a lot of stuff that has turned my thinking upside down, and he’s made me reconsider the God equation – but in a completely different way to what I was raised with. Don’t worry, I’m not getting back into religion – I’m just constantly pondering what the Universe is all about, never expecting to know, but interested to uncover what I can anyway. And Walsch is one of the few authors in this field who challenges my thinking and puts a spin on God I’ve never considered before. Famous for “Conversations with God,” he has also written a lot of other stuff, and to help shift my thinking this last week I read “When God Steps in, Miracles Happen” – a book I enjoyed a couple of months ago – and there was a passage that really caught my attention this time. “Do we really have all the answers about God? Do we really know who God is, and what God wants, and how God wants it? And are we really sure enough about all of this to kill people who do not agree with us? (And then to say that God has condemned them to everlasting damnation?) “Is it possible, just possible, that there is something we don’t know about all this, the knowing of which could change everything?” I just thought this was a really eloquent way of putting this question to all of us, because one thing I absolutely know for sure – and I don’t know much for sure – is that we sure don’t seem to know too much in the big BIG scheme of things. And with that, I am awaiting a miracle – hurry up and happen already! Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

My third lesson of parenthood is DEFINITELY get yourself a great community around you – because I believe children flourish when raised in a community. I have learnt this lesson the hard way, often completely isolating myself from anything even remotely resembling a community. When Lex first came along, I spent the first six months almost totally alone. At that time, I had two groups of friends. Those without kids, not even close to contemplating my new world, and those well into parenthood with teens, happily moving on from what I was going through every day. Most of my friends were also working fulltime and as life has a way of getting very very full, I was left alone for much of the time. On top of that, with Steve off travelling for business a lot, this alone time was sometimes 24 hours a day, seven days a week – not good for my sanity that’s for sure. In many ways it was my choice. I didn’t want to join mother’s groups, because the idea just didn’t jive with me. Almost certainly a mistake, but there you go. I was also in Singapore, which meant no family network to provide support. As well as this, I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to achieve stuff other than motherhood, so running around having coffees was definitely not in the game plan as it took away potential work time, and lack of achievement meant frustration for me – yeah I was doing a lot of resisting. But probably the most significant reason is I just didn’t want to breast feed in public, so it was easier to stay at home. Since then, we’ve built great communities, and then moved countries, and then moved countries or cities again, all the time having to start from scratch on the community building front. Most of the home responsibility remained with me as well, because Steve has to travel with the sort of work he does – although he has been home this last year, which has been lovely. I have definitely found that the 24 hour a day, seven day a week responsibility for children, without any sort of break – even a decent uninterrupted nights’ sleep – is not healthy for me. So that’s why we decided to come back to Singapore. Here we have an extensive community of people now in the same boat with young families, we have really great friends we can rely on, and we have home help, which frees us up to spend time with our lads, each other, but also to work – something I need. I had already learnt this community lesson though – it just didn’t pan out. You see, about 10 years ago, a great friend (Kirsti) found out she was pregnant and going to be a single Mum. At the time she was living in Melbourne and decided to move to Sydney to start her new life. I asked her why she made this decision at this time in her life, and she said the best community to support her was in Sydney. Most women would never make such a huge decision if they found out they were up the duff and doing it alone, but Kirsti was absolutely right. She does have an amazing community around her in Sydney, everyone loves and supports her and Indi, her beautiful daughter. I know that the life they have built, focused on having a great community around them, has made the single parenthood journey that much easier for my dear friend. She’s a brave woman and I admire her tremendously. As I said, I did take this lesson on board when Kirsti told me long before I had kids, but somewhere along the way, life had a way of sorting itself out and moving me/us around so that community was the last thing we could have, but now it’s time to refocus and make sure it’s what we have – because we all need it. Great community is what being human is all about right? Living in Asia, I regularly feel very envious of the family support my friends’ enjoy. I mean Mums and Dads can go on holidays together? Or they can have a night off kids whenever they want – what a dream! Steve and I have had one night off together in the last five+ years, so we are definitely green with envy when friends’ tell us about their freedom in parenthood. Lucky bastards! With that said, I know it comes with obligations and it’s not always easy having the extended family involved in your lives – so a case of grass is always greener right? I’m not feeling sorry for myself here (well maybe a little), but I have learnt this lesson the hard way – for lots and lots of different reasons – but community, if you’re going to be a parent, get yourself some, in whatever form it takes! Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

My little pudding is four today, and apparently this is the age where things start getting easier? I must admit that I have seen absolutely no evidence of this supposed transition to date, as he is a rambunctious, argumentative know-it-all, but my, oh my, how I LOVE my little man. If I was asked for one word to describe Jax, it would be charming. Jax can charm the socks off the most hardened sceptic, because he has this incredible talent for reaching people and melting their hearts. One of the things I love about him is his ability to relate to men or women. He can hold his own at a ladies tea party, not taking any crap from the bossy girls, or h can be the center of the action in a boy’s wrestling match – usually coming out on top… except with Lex, but that will change. Jax is already a beef cake, and with his mega-rugby thighs in place since birth, he is bound to be one hell of a hunky man, currently estimated to reach about six foot three-four – you know, based on that measurement you do at two and a half? He came in at 93cm. When the lads were little, they got a t-shirt saying “Lock up Your Daughters” and I can say without doubt that when Jax reaches his sexual prime, this might be sage advice for our friends’ with daughters to follow, because he is also incredibly sultry. I mean, how does a little lad already have the “look?” Seriously, he can pulse his eye-balls? I know he’s going to get laid A LOT. Jax has a terrific sense of humour, and has spent hours mastering his funny faces and practising his pick-up lines – all encouraged by his Dad. He is eloquent and determined, yet sensitive. He is Mr. Popular, but takes care of those in need. He is fiercely loyal and you better watch out if you have a go at anyone he’s thrown his towel in with, especially his brother. Jax is quick to learn and doesn’t miss a trick – especially Mummy and Daddy’s swear words… (Hey you try driving in Singapore without swearing!) I can definitely say that Jax is his own man, and that is a great thing to be when you are the second child. He never backs down in a fight, always stands his ground, and while that doesn’t make home life easy when DVD decisions are being made, it is definitely a quality I admire.  Yeah, I definitely admire Jax, I admire both of my little boys. I think they’ve both got amazing qualities that are going to help them succeed in whatever it is they want to do in life, and that’s a wonderful thing to see in your sons. While Lex is a mini-me, Jax is a mini-Steve and I just want to say Happy Happy Birthday to an amazing son. I hope I do great by you as a Mum, providing the right guidance to help you become the magnificent man I know you are destined to be. I think you’re wonderful and I enjoy sharing this life journey with you immensely. You deserve the world my love.   Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Maybe I’m late to the party on this one, because I’ve just finished “The Slap” by Christos Tsiolkas and it definitely deserves it’s long-listing for the Man Booker Prize and for winning the Commonwealth Writers Prize 2009 for best novel in South-East Asia and South Pacific. A sometimes brutal book, it tells the story of a group of people in Melbourne, through the eyes of eight characters, and the central theme is around a man who slaps a child at a suburban BBQ – except the child isn’t his. In our very-PC world, it was an interesting topic to explore, but there’s so much more to it than that. Apparently the book has created a bit of a stir – but my take-away is it’s a really brave perspective on multi-cultural life in Australia. I lived in Melbourne from 1988-95 and before this I wasn’t “exposed” to that strong “wog” (the now-affectionate Aussie colloquial term for immigrants from the Mediterranean region – think Greeks, Italians, etc..) culture you get in Melbourne. Sure we had some “wog” families around, but they weren’t so dominant or separate when I grew up in Albury Wodonga – maybe it’s changed now? But Christos didn’t just capture the “wog” part of the story beautifully, he also captures being a “foreigner” within Australian culture, the confusion of inherited cultural values within the mix of modern Australian life, the diversity and ignorance around faith, people’s views on atheism, the aboriginal perspective, teenage angst, misogyny, confusion, family loyalty – the good and the bad, being a young gay teenager, getting old, marriage and infidelity, and so much more. It’s mind blowing how broad this book is, but that’s life right? The best thing about the book is he does it through eight central characters – from a teenage boy trying to come to terms with his sexuality, a teenage girl who has had a rather interesting life already, all the way through to Manolis – a 70+ year old Greek grandfather who has seen quite a lot in his time, and is constantly challenged by how values and respect have changed, but who is also pretty pissed off with the way life has played out – in particular the miserable woman he’s married too who holds onto old Greek values which he thinks are bullshit. I was mesmerized by the Authors’ ability to get into each of the characters heads and tell their story from their perspective. I think one of my favorite bits was Richie’s “Big Day Out” on an E (and some) – told as a 1,000+ word review of his total experience, feelings and bliss, all without a full stop in sight. Not bad and as a former “Big Day Outer,” I can say I never had that much fun.    This book is crude, brutal, challenging and honest. It’s funny, mesmerizing, confusing and educational. It’s about life. It’s about people. It’s about everyone’s perspective on stuff and how different we all are, because we all come from backgrounds that no one else understands.  And for all those reasons, I think it’s a very cool book. Australian or not, I can definitely recommend this – especially for those who have, or currently are, living as an ethnic minority, anywhere. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know that my five year old son, Lex, is speech delayed. He is not autistic, he does not have aspergers and he is not ADHD – he is speech delayed. His speech is delayed because when he was born, his tonsils and adenoids grew so quickly, they compressed his ear canals, and his ability to hear was reduced – which means if you cup your hands together and speak into your hands, you’ll have an idea how Lex heard the world. Unfortunately we don’t know how long this went on for or what he missed developmentally, because a speech delayed child isn’t deaf, so when it was finally diagnosed, we rushed him to hospital to have his tonsils and adenoids removed, plus grommets inserted in his ears. That was September 2009. The reason I took him to an ear, nose and throat (ENT) specialist in the first place is because when he really started trying to speak – at around three years, nine months – his tongue was coming out of his mouth, not dissimilar to how I have seen hearing impaired people speak. Until this point, I wasn’t worried about Lex’s speech delay because I knew he was exceptionally intelligent and he was communicating with me all the time – just not with words. The ENT took one look in his ears and said he has compressed ear canals. He also asked about his behaviour – which was quite wild – and said this is typical of a child with these symptoms. He then asked if Lex snored. Yes he has snored since he was born, to which the doctor replied – no child should snore. Since the operation, we’ve moved back to Singapore and Lex has been in speech therapy. His progress is astounding. But he’s not there yet and Lex is extremely frustrated with his inability to communicate and the fact people don’t understand him, which often results in bad behaviour – especially at school. But that is another story. Lex will catch up. We are determined to do everything we can to help him do that, but right now he needs time, patience and love, but he also needs the people in his life to work just that little bit harder to understand what he is saying in whichever way he chooses to communicate. It’s not easy – in fact, it’s downright frustrating – but we know, without question, what we do now will set him up for life. The problem is TOO many people around us are constantly pushing us to have him diagnosed with something else. These people are not specialists – in fact they are often people who have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about. Some people make observations gently, and are not offending us in anyway, but many people are downright rude in their assumptions. Yes, some of Lex’s behaviour is not dissimilar to an autistic child, BUT he is not autistic. He is speech delayed. The problem is, while a LOT of information is circulating around autism, aspergers and ADHD, speech delay and associated behaviour information seems to be lacking. Do a search and let me know if you find anything of value? I didn’t. Based on my understanding (as a mother, not a specialist) a speech delayed child goes two ways – quiet or loud. Lex has gone loud and his behaviour is reflective of that. The good thing about him being loud is everyone knows there is an issue that needs to be fixed, whereas the quiet kids can get lost in the system. So that’s a bonus – we absolutely know to act. When a child is speech delayed they often react with “difficult behaviours” to a situation, and if you’re not paying attention, oftentimes the behaviour is seen as bad or attention seeking. We work very hard to identify what happened before Lex “changes.” It can be a change of circumstances he’s not happy with; being with an adult he isn’t comfortable with; too much noise and chaos; people interfering with him – such as physically guiding him in a direction he doesn’t want to go and having his protests ignored, and so on. We don’t always know, but we do know that certain changes in Lex indicate that something happened and he is not happy about it. Slowly he is telling us what these things are, but we’re not there yet and he’s still at a stage of slipping back into physical, rather than verbal communication more often than not. So a speech delayed child typically acts up because something happened before the “naughty” behaviour and the important thing is identifying what happened. Liz Elks and Henrietta McLachlan published some information somewhere (I was only given a copy of a couple of pages) and they listed out some advice. What is the child communicating? Be aware that the child is probably trying to communicate through his behaviour and look for what he is ‘saying.’ Use positive statements e.g. “Walk in the corridor’ is preferable to “don’t run.” Be aware of your own behaviour How you respond to the child’s behaviour may be aggravating the situation, are you reinforcing the behaviour? Are you part of the problem and so part of the solution? Consider the antecedents (causes) of the behaviour. Does he understand the task? Always check the child has understood what he has been asked to do and ensure that your language is appropriate to the child’s level of understanding. Use structure Reassess the structure being used. Does the child understand it? Is it being used? Stress aggravates! Remember that for most verbal people, communication is harder when they are emotional. This is also true of children with speech delay. The more upset they are, the harder they will find it to use appropriate language and communication, and so the more likely they are to resort to communicating through their behaviour. Strategies based on pleasing others may