I wanted to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who responded to my blog yesterday, whether to give me an idea or just let me know I’m not alone. Knowing you’re not alone is half the challenge of parenting I reckon – well it is for me. Writing blogs about my moments, experiences and thoughts is extremely cathartic and often just the process of putting the words together helps me to dig deep and look at things in different ways. But so does everyone responding – in whatever way they feel appropriate. The advice I got from several people is to stop, talk quietly, take deep breaths, find my stillness, etc.. which is all spot on, because when I do this, the results are ALWAYS amazing. It’s just hard to remember when you’re in the middle of emotional fireworks.
I’m not done with it yet, but it’s a brilliant book, with lots of guidance and practical tips, written in a language anyone can understand (but especially engineers) and it’s all about emotional intelligence, being present or mindful, as well as being choc ’o’ block full of really practical ways to meditate and control the mind, plus not let your emotions control you.
- Stop
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Breathe
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Notice
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Reflect
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Respond
The first two I try to do when I can remember, but my interpretation of the five steps are:
First and foremost stop whenever you feel triggered emotionally. We all know that ain’t easy with kids, but stopping for just a moment to experience “the sacred pause” is step one.
Then you’ve got to breathe, which reinforces the scared pause, but additionally, breathing calms the body and mind.
Now you’ve got to pay attention to your body. What does the emotion feel like in the body and where is it? When I get angry with the boys, I feel it swirling around in my chest. He also suggests noticing where the tension is and if there is a temperature change – yep, I certainly get hotter. The important point here is to experience the emotion and its impact, all the while observing that it is not a case of – “I am angry.” It is a case of – “I am experiencing anger in my body.” This concept is explained in more detail in another section, because learning to recognise that we are not our emotions helps us to control them.
When we reflect we’ve got to seek to understand where the emotion is coming from and the history behind it. I think in my case it’s six years of frustration that I haven’t been able to effectively communicate with one of my children and the enormous impact this has had on all of our lives. It’s also contributed extensively to the fact I haven’t been able to do what I want to do with my life, so when you throw that in the mix, my own personal frustration doesn’t help.
“Everybody wants to be happy
We then need to bring perspective and not judge anything as right or wrong – it just is.
And then we respond, trying to do it in a way that will bring a positive outcome. He suggests you don’t actually have to do it but “just imagine the kindest, most positive response. What would that feel like?”
So for other parents out there tearing their hair out, perhaps this might help if these ideas are your cup of tea? I certainly read it at the right time in my life, and they say you get the thoughts you need at the time you need them. Thanks Meng – right on time AND I’m also ready to hear it, so a double bonus.
Yours, without the bollocks
Andrea
