I’ve always had a lot of internal self belief – it’s something I know and appreciate within myself – and while I’ve never seen it as an arrogant thing, I’m sure it could come across that way sometimes. But I know it’s not, because it’s my fuel, my driving force, and I just like to give life a go and believe in my ability to achieve whatever it is I set my mind to. If things don’t work out, I pick myself up, shake myself off, learn the lesson and start again. A couple of months ago my self-belief took a hammering, when I realised I was bitterly disappointed that some promising opportunities were not happening, no matter how strongly I believed they would. Now I understand that if a door closes, another one opens and all is as it’s meant to be, but in the last few years it’s felt like a lot more doors have slammed than opened – and truth be told, I’m getting pretty exhausted by it.
This disappointment that kicked me in the arse a couple of months ago quickly turned into feeling like a failure, and when I finally shook that shit off, it became a very deep soul searching time – one I’m still trying to come out of. I regularly go into deep navel gazing periods and I never mind it when it happens – even if it’s painful sometimes – because it’s how I face myself and come out the other side a little wiser, more content, and most importantly, happier. But this recent soul searching expedition has been a doozy and the longest I can remember. I’m not at the end of it yet, but I do feel like it’s close to completion. I hope so. I value these times, but Steve wants me back, and while he understands that I need to go there, it’s hard being married to someone who’s living inside their head when they are with you – present but un-present. I’m coming back my love, I promise, just be patient, I need to do this. You’ll get a better me at the end!
The thing I have learnt during this introspective time is I am not a failure! Good! Best to get that shit out of one’s head – because what the hell does being a failure mean anyway? I don’t believe anyone is a failure, so why allow myself to go there? The second thing I’ve appreciated is my self-belief is an ally, and while this time has been extremely testing as far as that’s concerned, it’s helped me to realign and re-focus on what my dreams are and my commitment to making them happen.
As an example, in recent months, people have suggested I consider a different direction, because what I’m trying to do obviously isn’t happening the way I planned, and I’ve seriously considered this. But in considering it, it’s brought me full circle to the realization that if I change track now, when I’m so close, I’ll be so very disappointed in myself, and it will mean putting my dreams on hold again. I don’t want to do that, I really don’t. Steve supports me in that as well, even though it’s making our life a little harder than it needs to be right now. But if I give up now, how close am I to the top of the hill where success lies? I’ll never know.
I’ve faced a lot of stumbling blocks in recent years. I find the mother/wife/work/writing/me juggle hard to manage most days. I’ve found the challenges we’ve faced with Lex so distressing it’s hard to put into words sometimes, and the impact has been huge – that’s another self-belief being hammered, my belief in Lex. I’ve found our “unsettled-ness” hard to cope with because the solution is not so obvious to us – we are not as certain as most people about where they want to be, because let’s face it, the road less travelled does not have a lot of sign posts. We’re definitely trying to do life differently. There’s a lot more in the mix, BUT I have to hold onto my self-belief no matter which way the currents in life take me. It’s not bloody easy, because it feels like the walls are closing in all around us, but if I stay my path, well then, that’s where true happiness lies right? I believe so, and that’s all part of my self-belief.
I am a believer. I believe the life you live is the life you dream. I believe the only limitations are the ones I allow myself to believe in. And I believe I can be seriously happy and content. I’m not at my pinnacle yet, I may never get there completely, but shit, I won’t give up half way on the journey – that’s for sure.
Can anyone else relate?
Yours, without the bollocks
Andrea
4 thoughts on “The Battle with Self Belief”
About 10 years ago I came to visit you in your Glebe flat. It overlooked the bay and Sydney skyline and had the effect on me to gaze into the distance and ponder. I remember that both of us had major events in our lives end and we were at the point of reinventing ourselves and our lives. Your blog resembles my frame of mind I had then and it somehow resembles it today. In my case however, I don't seem to focus on self-belief and rather notice myself not getting the same amount of fulfilment from doing the things I usually pride myself of. As if my purpose in life had shifted without consulting with me first. I also notice being surrounded by women who appear to experience similar events in their lives. Have the many apocalyptic prophecies foretold by Mayan, Egyptian and other cultures started to come into effect? Is it the change of seasons? Is this midlife crisis? Now that I have pretty much achieved what I wanted to in life, what else is there? Existentialist pondering? 🙂
Although you may have your moments, you know that you will become better and wiser if you come out on the other side. My premonition is that this is a BIG one! Big ponder! Big insight! Big growth! Bigger than pigly wiggly supermarkets in Texas. The big kahuna. Well worth the hard yards and only available to those who allow themselves to go on that roller coaster ride through dips and tunnels. I loved that flat in Glebe. Let me know when your available again for a ponder together. I know that the next 10 years will hold an abundance of discoveries just like the last 10. Xoxo
Nana, I remember those days and those ponderings like they were yesterday. I'm glad my ponderings haven't stopped because the reality is, that's all there is. None of the rest of it matters, just working out who we are and where we want to go, but it's the living we do every day that matters huh? The big kahuna – it definitely feels like that and I hope you haven't lost your purpose in a bad way – maybe you're just happy and content now, where you want to be? Maybe when you get to that point you get just get on with enjoying life? I don't know, and so I continue to ponder, and one day soon I hope we can ponder life, the universe, etc.. together again. That's something worth looking forward to. I loved that flat in Glebe too and that time in my life – it was amazing, surrounded by so many wonderful people xxxxxx
Hang in there, Andrea. You have a fantastic way of expressing your inner thoughts – and they are ones that I can really relate to too, so you are certainly not alone! All will come good in the end, but it can be hard when we want so much from life; we have to keep the faith and remain true to ourselves. I'm with you all the way! xxx
PS. btw, I think you mean navel gazing – not naval gazing – no ships in sight on the horizon that your naked man is watching! 😉
Ha ha ha Sarah, that is so funny! Thanks for pointing it out. I think I need an editor, or just accept that I'll make mistakes sometimes – like life. But thanks for the lovely feedback – I know you can relate, and while it's GREAT to want so much out of life, it does make the journey a little rockier sometimes huh? Big kisses for you xxxx