October 2013

Cousins hanging out – note Sophie’s hand on Lex Lex has decided he wants a girl baby. He appreciates where babies come from, is a little unsure of how they get in, and equally unclear on how they get out – but those are minor details at this point. Every day he is asking me: “Mum, can you put a girl baby in your tummy?” If I say no, he says “OK Mum, let’s go shopping and we can buy a girl baby.” He’s not too far from the sordid truth there…. I don’t know why girl babies are the focus of my little loves attention, but they are and he ain’t letting it go – bless him. Naturally, every time he asks me about it, some immediate replies spring to mind – the sort you stop before they come out… “I’m too bloody old, piss off and leave me alone.” Or “Your Dad has had the snip so that little avenue has been blocked off.” Or “Do you think I look mad? Do you think I’d willingly go back into baby-land?” I loved my little guys when they were babies, don’t get me wrong, but the thought of being back in that world – no, it ain’t for me. I did it twice – rapidly – and I don’t want to go back there until I’m a grandma and can piss off whenever I want. Sophie’s terror but Lex still in protective mode The truth of the matter is: I just don’t want to have a baby again – age aside. I knew that long before Jax was born, thus Steve’s snippage was booked in pronto after Jax’s birth. Equally, both boys swift appearance in the world was too close together and grueling. Sometimes, I feel like I’m still recovering from it. In fact, following my visit to the osteo this morning, I know I am. Babies are beautiful, but no more thanks. Two is enough. No desire for a girl in case you wanted to ask – and boy do people want to ask. I’m happy with my lads and completely and utterly done & dusted on the baby-front. Besides, the boys are just starting to get interesting, and more importantly, independent. I like their independence I must say. So Lex, my beautiful little love, who never misses a chance to play with any girl-baby in the vicinity – and you do play with them so beautifully and gently darling-heart, but no love, Mummy ain’t putting a girl baby in her tummy. However, one thing I know for sure, you’re going to schmooze women-folk in later years with that big heart of yours son. Jax will as well, just in a slightly different way. So Lex, will you settle for a girl-cat instead? Please? Besides, how could I get so lucky with the perfection of my first two babies a third time round? Can anyone else relate to the ‘no more thanks’ feeling? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea 

When I first arrived in Singapore in 2003, all of these Bahasa and Malay-speaking people would ask me “makan already ah?” I had absolutely no idea what they were saying but gave them my best gormless smile and said yes. They seemed happy with that, so all was good. Then one day I asked someone: what does ‘makan already ah’ actually mean? And the translation was “have you eaten?” I was already aware of “have you eaten” because English-speaking Singaporeans would ask me that very question throughout every day too. I also thought that was a weird question to ask someone, so it obviously took me a while to put two-and-two together to realize that both “have you eaten?” and “makan already ah?” were the Australian equivalent of “g’day.” Right! Doh! It’s a form of greeting, and having lived here a decade, the fact that it is linked to food is hardly surprising. I believe there is some historical context to it – i.e. ancestors starving in the past so food is highly valued – which, of course, is how any societies’ common words and phrases come about – historical context. I was thinking about this yesterday, which lead me to remember my first few weeks in London back in 1995. Starting my first job in the City, someone walked past me and said “alright?” I stopped walking to respond to the question, ready to explain I was, in fact, better than alright, only to see them wandering off up the hall. I was a bit perplexed, wondering why someone would ask me a question and then piss off, but thought nothing more of it. Of course, over time, it became very clear that “alright” was also the equivalent of “g’day,” and I was alrighting along with the best of them in no time. Thankfully the US was straight forward with hi, hello, hi-five – your standard stuff – but culture shocks in the US came in many other forms. Shit I had to re-learn how to say “water” because no one understood my version of “water.” It’s hard to re-learn a word you’ve been using all your life let me tell you! Interesting no? Some cultures greet you with a statement and some with a question. Anyhow, with this random sequence of memories going through my mind yesterday, I walked back towards the elevator and one of the old security aunties asked me “makan already ah?” I said “yes, makan already, you?” She beamed at me and said “Yes!” See I get the hang of these things eventually. Anyone else have any of those not-quite-picking-up-on-the-local-greeting when ensconcing themselves in a new country? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

When I first started working in London way back in 1995, I worked with a young graduate from a very privileged background who treated the office assistant like a piece of shit. It went against everything I stood for, so one day I took her out for lunch and explained that being nice to this lady was very important to her. I explained that this is the person who sent her faxes (yeah way back) and cleaned her desk/emptied her bin, so she’d obviously make you a priority if she liked you and might just forget to do something if you were an ass. Hey why not right? No one wants to be treated like shit. Thankfully this young lady listened to me. Of course, helping people understand that there are actual benefits to being kind is really not the point. Being kind is just good human practice, but having lived in Asia for 10 years, sometimes you’ve got to give people a what’s-in-it-for-them incentive to be kind too. Asia is definitely a massive personal contradiction for me, and where you sit in the social hierarchy is very VERY important round these parts. In Asia I don’t believe it’s a conscious decision to treat people as less than yourself, it’s just a cultural thing that people don’t question. As such, sometimes you’ve got to point it out, or at the very least, lead by example. It’s tough for me though, as I often grapple with it, but equally, I am lucky to be Caucasian. Today I was reminded, once again, that being kind has rewards. I drove to the office and when I headed for the car park, the attendant told me “no, the car park is full” – fully intending me to turn around, which meant I’d have to navigate the CBD chaos to find somewhere else to park. That would’ve been a massive pain in my arse and I had a headache, so wasn’t too happy at the prospect. When he saw it was me, he said “oh it’s you, you’re my friend. It will be about five minutes before a park comes free, so wait over there and I’ll tell you when one comes up.” Everyone else was sent on their way. This man is low on the social totem pole in Asia and most people just ignore him. I, on the other hand, adore people of all walks of life, and have enjoyed some of the most bizarre and fascinating conversations with him. He appreciates that I take the time to acknowledge his humanity and today he gave me a little bit of gratitude in return. It felt really nice. I’ll talk to anyone – I don’t care. Completely of the mindset that everyone I meet has something to teach me, sometimes I’ll walk away from a conversation a bit perplexed by an opinion, or completely delighted, but either way, these moments expand my thoughts and that makes my life richer. People have all sorts of strange ideas and beliefs, so being open to anything enriches you and I believe it helps you to understand the weirdness of life a little more too. So it was a reminder today that my approach is a good one, not just because someone did something nice for me , but because I feel my life is so much richer due to all of the fabulous and sometimes challenging people I meet. Tomorrow, if you feel inclined, say hi to someone in your world that you’ve never really acknowledged and see where the conversation takes you? More than that, see how it makes you feel opening yourself up to someone else. The one thing I know that will happen is the ignored person in your life will be so happy that someone, finally, acknowledged their existence, I bet you’ll make their day. That’d be nice no? But then perhaps you already make a practice of it? Oh something else I saw yesterday that I thought was fabulous and made the same point – Tim Minchin – terrific! Yours, without the bollocks Andrea