January 2013

The ‘Fuck it, Enough’ Crusade Commences I’m having a mid-life crisis, there is no doubt about it, and yes women have them too. At the grand old age of 43, I think it’s a mortality thing – it’s like you’re closer to the end than you are to the beginning, and you know this because things ache and your eye sight goes, and well, unsavoury physical things just happen. As such, you can’t help but ponder how you need to live your life to ensure you get old with a skip in yourself, rather than requiring the aid of a Zimmer frame. I don’t want a Zimmer frame that’s for sure – I saw a lady on one recently and it made me feel sad. But am I doing enough to ensure I don’t need one? I know I’m not. From a life point of view, since I turned 40 (well before that really) things have gone downhill in many many ways – the way I want my life to be just doesn’t seem to want to happen. I’ve worked hard to turn the tide around, but I don’t know, maybe I’m focusing on the wrong things? That’s usually the case right? Life has been hard yakka, but chasing dreams isn’t always easy, and I’ve spent a fair bit of time in recent months wondering if the dreams are right, because my main goal of freedom is not being achieved in the mix – so what’s the point? While being stubborn can be a good thing, recognising when things aren’t working out is a good thing too. It’s not working out because it’s not making me smile. My main concern is a deep level of unhappiness with my life and I’m just not laughing enough or as much as I used to. It’s got nothing to do with the three beautiful men in my life – I just can’t seem to move forward the way I want to. I’m a smiler (always have been) and a positive person as a general rule, but that’s not how things have been these last few years, and I’ve spent more time chasing the blues away than I care to remember. I don’t want to be a miserable old cow, I want to be a happy old cow, so it’s time for the blues to piss off for good. My dream remains at my core – to be free and live a life most can only dream about – but there are many aspects of my life that I can change while working towards that goal – and it’s these changes that I am convinced will help me achieve it all. As such, today, I’m making a public commitment to change my ways once and for all. I’m not doing this because I’m a believer in resolutions, I’m doing it because it is my 43rd birthday today, and yes, I always have a hangover on my birthday – except when I was pregnant with Jax. I have to say that 43 is starting to feel a little bit old, but also, because of the four years of relentless gruel that has literally worn me out, I have decided to tackle it head on and launch my very own personal crusade, elegantly entitled ‘Fuck It, Enough’ (or FIE). I’m doing it publicly on my blog to really give me a kick in the arse to make sure I stick with it – because if you know me, you’ll know that personal pride is a very strong attribute. I know I need to do this publicly, because I did something like this a couple of years ago privately, and well, it fizzled out – I just didn’t have the constant pressure to succeed and we need that right? Therefore, I’ve decided to come out! I need the motivation of declaring to the world – this is what I’m going to do and then I am going to do it. But I’m also hoping others will join me for the ride – to work with me over the coming months or years to work out how we can be the best ‘US’ we can be on every level imaginable. No more grinding through the days, or suffering through life. It would mean so much to me to know that people are on board or just supporting me, with those getting involved focused on achieving one single goal – to achieve a frame of mind where you leap out of bed, every day, screaming – “isn’t life fucking GREAT?” I don’t do that every day, in fact, I rarely do it, and while generally speaking I’d say my default personality setting swings towards the positive, I have to admit that life has become a grind, and well, I don’t like it. I’ve got one life, and I want that one to be amazing – and it HAS been amazing, I just seem to have lost my joy these last few years, and I want it back. The things I’m planning to tackle include (in no particular order) Redefining my purpose – this is the most important thing I need in my life to be content. When I have purpose, I can conquer the world – so what does it need to be? I don’t know yet, but I’ll tell you when I do. However, defining the ‘Fuck It, Enough’ crusade this last couple of months – in my head – has given me more purpose than anything else I’ve been involved with for a long time – and that was off the back of another couple of bleak months. Fuck it, Enough! Purpose is necessary – as Margaret Thatcher says “my life has got to mean something” and that is definitely how I feel Work – my work hasn’t been flowing and I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps it’s because I’ m not doing the right thing. If it’s easy, you’re doing the right thing, if