My great mate Libs mentioned a new trend doing the rounds at luxury spas these days – apparently you can smoke your vagina. My first reaction was yuck, and then about two seconds later I started to find it curiously intriguing. But where the hell does an idea like this come from? So I did a bit of research.

Now when one enters the search words “vaginal smoking” or “smoking vaginas” into Google! you certainly get an interesting assortment of articles, as well as images of bald vaginas with cigarettes hanging out – lovely. Can you imagine a more perfect way to start the day than looking at a strangers’ flange?

I’m obviously behind the times, because this has been going on for centuries, but finding real information on the Javanese custom of smoking your vagina (Java is in Indonesia if you don’t know) was slightly more challenging, and ultimately very repetitive, with no real background to speak of.

From what I can gather, it’s a Javanese Royal custom, and the Javanese princesses throughout history have smoked their vaginas prior to wedding nights, as well as for special occasions – lucky men! Incense smoke is placed under your sarong to remove unpleasant odours and to reduce discharge. Or you can sit naked on a chair, with a hole in the appropriate place, and underneath the hole is placed a burning bowl of seeds and herbs, wafting smoke up into your vagina, which should stimulate and disinfect the region.

Now what I want to know is does this custom come from pride in the vagina or shame in the vagina? As many societies attest to, the majority of cultures, no matter how primitive or advanced, have very specific “taboos” in regards to the vagina that tend to ensure it is something hidden and not discussed. It’s a long time since women sat in “red tents” sharing the woman’s time of the month, and even the aboriginals in Australia are reputed to have sent their women up a tree for the duration of their monthlies. They got a break I guess.

If you actually read some of the research coming out, approximately 4 out of 10 women in Western Societies are ashamed of their vags’ and that the majority of us never look at them and don’t even know what a “normal” one looks like. The good news is there is no “normal” – they’re big, medium, small, outies, innies, some look like flowers and others look like untidy kebabs. There is no unity in the vagina and if you think yours is ugly, your dream vagina was probably significantly doctored in the photo you found and not even a possibility in the hands of the greatest plastic surgeon on the planet. So time to get happy with your snatch and it is recommended that to befriend it (and to improve your sex life) you name it…. something to think about.

There is no question that vaginas are a much sort after accoutrement for most men, but there has always been a lot of shame, silence and taboo around the vag. It’s amazing really, more than half the world has them and still there is so much bollocks around it.

So my question – is vaginal smoking a celebration of the vagina or is it because the Javanese princesses who started this custom are ultimately ashamed of their vaginas? I don’t have any Javanese friends to ask, otherwise I would, but if anyone can shed any light, that would be ace.

In the meantime, anyone want to join me for an extended spa treatment in Bali? I wouldn’t mind a bit of a break.

Yours, without the bollocks
Andrea