May 2012

My little lad Jax (four) is having a tough time of it at the moment. He HATES the thunder storms ravaging Singapore, especially those in the wee hours of the morning, and he’s having a bit of a bad run with nightmares – bless.  The tears and gnashing of teeth are momentous, until we welcome him into our bed between us, where he feels safe and secure. But his fears have now become pre-emptive, and many a night we have to get him off to sleep, reassuring him there’s nothing to be scared about, because Mummy and Daddy are here to keep him safe for as long as we can. It’s been about a month now, and every night we hear the patter of little feet as he climbs into our bed around 1.30am or so. Last night he had a nightmare at that time, but I got him back off to sleep in his own bed, only to have him creep in again around 4am. All parents know that a small child in ‘the big bed’ looks cute in the pictures, but the reality is very different. They twist, turn, fart, and groan… it really is amazing how much space a little body can take up. A couple of times one of us has given up, sleeping in Jax’s bed, but we’re now at the point of being too tired to do anything but try to wrangle some space in our own bed to sleep. I know some of my fellow parents out there will say it’s your own stupid fault for letting him into your bed in the first place, and they are right. BUT we made a decision when the boys were born that we’d be there for them whenever they needed it, no matter the consequences, and we’ve stuck to that promise. Making sure they feel safe and secure is our number one priority for them. The problem is I’m now a weary, grumpy bitch and just hope Jax gets over it soon. Bless him, these fears are so real and so big, but for Mum and Dad, they’re just plain exhausting. Parenting, remind me why the hell we do it again? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

Our great friend Suz gave the boys a little bit of money so they could buy themselves a new toy. At four and five their understanding of money is not quite there yet, but we’re working on it. They proudly put their cash in their wallets and off we trundled to Toys ‘R’ Us for a shopping adventure. Anyone who’s been knows that Toys ‘R’ Us is an absolute dreamland for little tykes – filled floor to ceiling with dreams. It’s amazing for kids, while also overwhelming, but they get there in the end – if you’re patient. So after a relatively short period of time, the choices were in – a colour changing Finn McMissile for the Jaxster, and oars (for our yellow boat) for Lex. Happy boys. Usually when we get to the counter I pay while the boys run around. This time I said to the shop assistant we need to run these through separately and please work with the boys to help them pay. All I got was a bloody surly cow, huffing and puffing throughout, probably wanting to speak to her mate on the phone, and we definitely felt like we were an inconvenience. This is big teaching stuff we’re doing with our kids, not just about money, but about responsibility, independence and confidence, and of all the places I expect a little bit of understanding, it’s at Toys ‘R’ Us! Therefore can I recommend to Toys ‘R’ Us management that they invest in training their staff to get in synch with their customers (kids and adults alike), and perhaps buy everyone a copy of “The Leader Who Had No Title”? I appreciate that working in a low paying job, like being a check out chic at Toys R Us may not be everyone’s dream job. Some may be doing it because there’s nothing else. Some to pay their way through university. And maybe even some do it for the love of it… although I haven’t seen this in Singapore yet… BUT it’s about your attitude! Nothing lasts forever so why not enjoy it while it does? Life is certainly a lot more enjoyable when you make the most of whatever you are doing. People working in toy shops – for whatever reason – need to reconnect with their inner child, because they are selling dreams and imagination. Kids arm up on all of their fantasies when they explore a toy shop. It’s not just about getting stuff– although that’s obviously a big part of it – it’s about feeding imaginations and creativity. When kids walk into a toy shop they are overwhelmed with sites, colours, noises, sounds and smells. Everywhere they look is something that means something to them on some level. They don’t perceive the world as a whole like adults; they see bits and pieces as they wander through. It’s magical stuff for kids and people who work in these places need to understand this and make it even more magical. I don’t enjoy hanging out in toy shops. Kids get too much crap today and the majority of stuff in Toys ‘R’ Us is crap that breaks within a 24 hours of purchase. But all I ask is that people who work in toy shops embrace the total experience and make it great for kids and parents. The shops that do this will get everyone through the door. I mean it should be fun right? Alas my special learning experience with the boys was miserable, and it left me feeling disappointed. The boys didn’t give a shit of course, but will they grow up expecting this level of service? Is that what service will be for future generations? I certainly hope not. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea  

The final two – photo from www.americanidol.com Well it’s over ladies and gentlemen – two nights of fantastic TV every week, watching talented youngsters chasing their dreams – until January 2013 that is. Thankfully X Factor isn’t too far away (with Brittany Spears as a judge..) and apparently the producers of Idol have a new talent show launching in July – so some good stuff to look forward to. The new show is called ‘Opening Act’ and it looks like a pretty interesting idea…. As always, the results of American Idol have caused a lot of controversy – check out the comments on this article in E! News It’s always the same, but the criticism is amusing because it is the American public voting. In many ways, it’s a flawed part of the show, ‘cos the mini-princesses (aka the female tween voters) are ALWAYS going to dominate voter demographics, so why is anyone surprised? Ultimately Phillip winning is a wonderful thing for the show and for music, because he’ll inspire brilliant musicians to take a chance on shows like Idol – and that’s good for us viewers. The other great quality Phillip has, that is inspirational, is the message it’s OK to be yourself – more kids need to embrace this. If the girls voted for him because he’s cute – that’s great, because they also voted for someone who’s a cracking muso. I don’t want to take anything away from Jessica because she is definitely a powerhouse voice, but she made one fatal error on the finale (which I believe is a sign of her immaturity) her “hit” song was bloody appalling. I believe she lost the show on that performance alone, but she’ll be OK – with a voice like that she can’t lose.   Ultimately, as the years go on, the show is attracting higher quality performers as people realise throwing your hat in with Idol is actually a very good thing for career prospects. I mean look at Adam Lambert – a global mega-star because of Idol. It didn’t matter that he didn’t win because the stage was set for superstardom. He’s definitely still my favourite contestant and the new album is cracking. As an aside, many are criticising the judges performance, but the trio have chosen far superior talent for the top 24 than their predecessors ever did – so that’s an indication to me they know what they’re doing. I also like the fact they’re nice to the contestants –showing a sensitive, human side is apparently bad by some people’s definition? It’s a brutal world the music business, but it doesn’t mean you need to shame young talent on global TV. I always believe positive encouragement gets better results – but I’m just a softy. The big news about the judges is apparently it’s JLo’s last season, which will be a shame – I admire her. Overall for me, this season was the best yet – and even though it’s said every year, I think it’s true. A sure sign it was a great year is I didn’t care who won, and for the first time, didn’t feel deeply disappointed by the results. Many in the top 10 were amazing, with Joshua at the top of my list, closely followed by Phillip, Skylar, Elise and Colton – they’re just my style. Jessica is going to have an amazing career, as is Holly – but I just don’t crave the music they perform. They’re the sorts of girls who’ll do a movie soundtrack for a romantic mega hit, but it’s just not my cup of tea. Doesn’t mean they’re not good. So another year is done and it was awesome. I love watching the emotion around people chasing their dreams, and I find it a fascinating process because some get it and improve, while others just don’t seem to find their groove on the show – Elise was one of those for me. She thought the judges were harsh, but she just didn’t find her way and she wasn’t warm enough – that makes a HUGE difference because American Idol is a popularity contest too. Tommy Hilfiger added a fashion dimension to the show this year which was cool, and Jimmy did a really great job – although what’s with the nose twitching? The producers also must have read my blog from last year :), because they had a past Idol perform on every show J – brilliant and they brought the guests back – in a slightly different way. American Idol is a great show, full of heart and bursting with talent. I love it and find it fascinating – but next year, how about a little more support for the girls America? Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

I was working with my friend Zoe recently, putting together an article discussing her experiences studying Reiki. One of the things she pointed out as guiding inspiration for her study was this: It had a big impact on Zoe because as she said, I can do this for one day surely? And so she’s practised it ever since and it’s changed her life. When I came home, I wrote it on the mirror in our bedroom, where I can read it throughout the day. I’ve also started talking through the concepts to the boys, in particular ‘be kind to every living thing’ because killing bugs and ripping out plants is very much the stage they’re at. It’s just good life guidance – nice and simple. Hope you enjoy it too. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel a massive sense of relief when Mother’s Day is over. There is always such a HUGE build up to it, with too much mushiness in the mix for me, and the expectations feel so big on everyone involved. But then that’s probably more to do with my memories of Mother’s Day growing up. From what I can recall, all celebrations in my family ended in disaster, with expectations not met, tears guaranteed, and there always seemed to be so much pressure around anything being celebrated. MD was definitely the biggest in the annual celebration calendar as far as unhappiness was concerned, so I know I feel a lot of anxiety around the day because of that – crazy how stuff from so long ago can still impact me huh? Need to let that crap go I guess… As a result of all of this, I am not a big fan of being celebrated – and that is one of the key reasons I ran away to Thailand to get married. I just don’t like it. But now I’m a Mum and I have to say, it’s strange for me facing Mother’s Day. On the one hand I think it’s a great thing to honour the Mum’s out there, because it’s definitely the hardest job in the world, but it’s also magnificently rewarding watching your children growing into the future adults you hope they will be. On the other hand, it was my choice to have them, so why should there be anything special for me? I will never make my children feel obligated to me for giving them life because it was my choice, not theirs. But then, Motherhood is the most important and undervalued role in society (closely followed by fatherhood) so it should be honoured and celebrated, because parent’s are contributing to the future of mankind – not by reproducing, but through the role we play in guiding our kids. I definitely find it all confusing and confronting. Last year, my beautiful, thoughtful husband messed up on Mother’s Day, and the reality is, I didn’t have any expectations of the day other than please please organise a day, don’t ask me what we should do, and let me come along for the ride. That’s what I want to do on Mother’s Day, just have one day in the year where I don’t have to think! Every day as a Mother there are so many aspects where you have to think about other people, and that is the constant aspect of life I’d love to be given a break from – just for one day! Steve did an awesome job this year. He kept it simple, we went to the beach, the boys made a picnic and played in the sand, and then we had pizza by the pool with great mates in the evening. Perfect. However there are other aspects to Mother’s Day that play with my mind as well. I know too many women who missed their shot at motherhood because they ran out of time, didn’t find a suitable Dad, didn’t have any luck getting pregnant or worse, they’ve lost children. In fact, Vick is living with us and this was her first Mother’s Day, so it was a painful reminder of the tiny baby she lost last year. I really felt for her going out into Singapore yesterday, with the constant reminder that she too is a Mother, but it’s hardly a celebratory experience knowing what she’s lost. My first thought yesterday when I woke up was how is Vick going to feel today? She’s a brave lady and I hope more than anything she has her chance again. There are other friends who haven’t had a chance and I wonder how they feel watching the social media frenzy leading up to Mother’s Day, along with the actual day, with everyone sharing their photos, gifts,  and lovely experiences. How does it make them feel? It just feels a bit brutal to me – and I’m one of the lucky ones who had no problem having children. If anything, it makes me more grateful I got the chance, but that still didn’t take away the roller coaster yesterday, going from feeling like the luckiest girl in the world, to wondering why the hell I had kids, to asking why there’s a day that celebrates the unhappiest time in my life, right back to reflecting on the power of a day that celebrates the happiest time of my life, and on and on and on. That’s Mother’s Day for me – a roller coaster of emotions and memories, some great, some bad and I suppose I’ve got to make sure I make new memories about what Mother’s Day means to me and my boys – which centres around a cruisey, lovely day, where we enjoy each other as much as we can. One thing for sure – I definitely want my boys to grow up with happy memories of Mother’s Day and absolutely no feeling of expectation. I know they love me, they tell me every day and I tell them every day. That’s all that matters… although Jax did wake up this morning and tell me he didn’t like me. Kids for you… Motherhood – it has certainly confused the hell out of me. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea

The last week has been pretty interesting on the Gay marriage front don’t you think? The first sitting US president says he supports it (yay for Obama!) and if you missed it, here are his exact words, however in the same week North Carolina re-banned it, but have no issue with their standing law that cousins can marry… I find the whole discussion truly bizarre, because why does it matter so much to people? Why does anyone who is not gay care that gay people get married? There are two areas that bewilder me. The first has to be the case of the “religious” arguing the case – and I’m pretty much focusing on Christians here, because this is where the current argument resides most strongly in relation to the current news. Please understand that this is not an anti-Christian post, because most of the people I know who follow a Christian faith are loving people, accepting of all. However, for the people actively protesting against the right for gay  people to marry, well these Christians are claiming it’s because marriage is a sacred union between two people, but it’s main “job,” so to speak, is procreation. But this argument doesn’t stand up today, because married couples choosing not to have children is on the rise, and the majority of folk having kids are not married at all. According to this article, marriage with children is actually becoming an elite institution in the US and then this rather flimsy article talks about it again, claiming “about 65 percent say that the main purpose is to form a union for personal happiness and fulfilment as opposed to having and raising children,” said Cary Funk, a senior researcher at Pew Research Center. In fact, when you read this article, children are listed below sharing house hold duties as a priority in many marriages today. Moving onto divorce statistics, according to this article, atheists divorce less than Christians AND the highest divorce rates are in the bible belt, which is repeated in this other article. Additionally, another stat from Wikipedia, claims that 40% of all marriages in the US end in divorce. So um, can someone please explain to me why the sanctity of marriage is part of this argument when it comes to gay marriage when it’s very clear Christians are doing such a poor job of it? I think the sanctity of marriage, as defined by a 2,000 year old religion, has already altered so radically, this argument just doesn’t stand up for me. The other issue about Gay marriage for me is this question – does it cost “the people” anything? Are gay couples a burden on the State? If you haven’t heard of it, the “Pink Pound” is an economic term that describes the financial power of this community, as two same sex couples, without kids, have a greater chance of earning more money than most. In the US gay people are generally considered economically advantaged, and as it’s also such a strong and supportive community, they take care of their own – further reducing the chance of any burden on the State. So this is also part of my confusion. Gay people getting married makes absolutely no impact on the rest of us. They don’t cost us anything, and if we choose, we need never have gay people in our lives, so why is it such a big deal to people? Which I suppose brings it back to the religious argument. I can’t write about this without mentioning some of the disgusting “Christian” antics in regards to homosexuality in the case of the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at Military funerals (check out this video – outrageous – and the Tyra Banks one) “claiming God is killing troops in Iraq and Afghanistan to punish the United States for tolerating homosexuality.” I mean is that Christian? Seriously, I appreciate that this is only one very small sect within Christianity, but if there is a God, I can’t imagine She is sitting in heaven, looking down on those antics with a smile on Her face, saying good on you boys and girls – you are representing me well! That is not the sort of God I could ever believe in – can you? And yet everyone involved in these protests is claiming they speak in God’s name when it comes to homosexuality being an abomination. Did I miss something here? Didn’t God create us in Her own image? If so, homosexuals would be included, yes? Or is there another human master craftsmen in the mix the Church didn’t tell me about? The way I see it is this – if two people love each other and want to make a commitment to each other, why not? It doesn’t hurt another living soul, so why is it an issue for the rest of us? Why can’t we just mind out own bloody business when it comes to this issue? Let’s face it, the traditional model of marriage has been deteriorating for the last half century, and I believe it’s only going to continue to erode if society doesn’t clean up its act and get focused on the things that are important – like supporting families, of any description. I believe all of these Christian groups who are protesting against Gay marriage need to look at themselves and focus on their own shit, rather than getting involved in something that doesn’t concern or impact them at all. Maybe at the same time they could also relearn Christian values? We need to move on from this discussion, allowing all people to live as they wish – as long as they are doing no harm to others – while also remembering one of the best teachings of the Church – Thou Shalt Not Judge. And while we’re at it, perhaps another little goodie attributed to Jesus “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” And to my dear gay friends, who I feel so

Steve and I had dinner with our friends Deb and Dave recently – it was a lovely evening, as it always is with these two. Somehow the conversation got onto religion and I know I didn’t start it, because I learnt long ago that while I might be really passionate about this subject, most people couldn’t give a shit or give a VERY big shit, and thus, I only get going if someone else starts it and make sure it’s kept amicable. If you get into it with the wrong person, it can definitely get nasty very quickly, so sometimes it’s just not worth going there, but most of the time, I find these discussions fascinating. In this case, I’m pretty sure it was Dave who started the convo, because Deb had no religion in her upbringing at all and Steve had a tiny smattering that has left him very nonchalant about the whole topic… well probably until he met me. This is Dave Anyways, it turns out Dave, who’s a couple of years older than me, still says a prayer every night before he goes to sleep and has not been able to fully reject the Catholic beliefs he grew up with. That got my attention because he’s not exactly a model of Catholic virtue J – see photo. Dave’s given up on most of what he learnt, but that final reckoning, no. I asked him why and he said it’s basically insurance, because if all of the fire and damnation stuff we both grew up with is true, he wants to make sure he’s well positioned to go up rather than down. I completely understand why he has never made that final leap of faith, because I also faced that decision. I was in my 20s and I’d gotten rid of most of the (what I believe was) crap, but that final decision to throw it all away and not believe any of it anymore… well that was not an easy chasm to cross. For anyone who’s faced the decision and pulled back or faced it and thrown themselves off the proverbial cliff, you’ll understand what I mean. I threw myself off the cliff, free falling and not knowing what would happen in the long run – it was the hardest decision I ever made, and also the most liberating. But there were some key teachings and beliefs in the Catholic Church that gave me that final push – aside from all of the hatred and contradictions I’d personally witnessed. For example: how can the God we are told to believe in be both all loving and vindictive? Would he really ask us to kill another in His name? If so, he’s definitely not the sort of God I want to believe in. And the belief that a baby will go to hell if it hasn’t been baptized. Come on! Something so pure can suffer eternal damnation just because it missed out on a ritual? Then there was the whole women are inferior issue. I watched my mum every week in her role as a ‘lay priest,’ giving out communion and wondered how the hell can you support an institution that says you are inferior? Women not being allowed to be priests, the whole Mary Magdalene was a prostitute idea, Eve the evil temptress, how women are represented in religious history (virgin or whore) and all of the other bollocks all religions (not just Catholicism) throw around about female inferiority – well that pretty much counted me out. The sex scandals in the Catholic Church certainly didn’t help, neither do their rigid rules that impact – in disastrous ways – people living in poverty, e.g. the spread of AIDS in Africa, the right to abortion, the right to divorce, etc, etc, etc. The Church is screwing A LOT of people and countries up in my opinion. But it’s not just the Catholics; organised religion, as a whole, constantly brings us to the brink of disaster and I can’t see it changing anytime soon. There are many more examples of why I chose to move away from it, but that’s not what this is about. It’s about the actual programming you go through when born into a religious family/society. I went through hell (no pun intended) trying to sift through my belief systems, questioning them, accepting some, rejecting many, and with a lot of trepidation, I was finally able to make the final jump. Dave has not made this jump, which is fair enough because he’s happy with that. He’s not alone. I’ve watched countless others go through this process – tearing themselves apart because FEAR is huge when it comes down to rejecting your faith. What if? is a very large part of the process, and many times I’ve watched people really screw themselves up, often turning to another type of faith because they needed something to replace it. Stepping away completely is no easy task, suffice to say. It’s messy and powerful shit, often completely confusing to people who’ve never been in that world. Religious education is so consuming and such a massive part of your life and thoughts, that when you get to an age where you start questioning everything, well hold on tight, because it’s going to get bumpy. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to get to the bottom of it, but religious dogma is so old and confusing, I believe it’s practically impossible. So many beliefs and practises come from something or somewhere else, relevant to the time they were created in (often having nothing to do with religion at all) and have been constantly interpreted and reinterpreted to suit the time we live in today – a resulting mish-mash of stuff with the fundamental threats of horror if you don’t follow the rules… For me, I find it hard to get to the essence of what it’s all about. Some aspects of faith are good – nice moral guidelines for humans to

I’m regularly seen out and about in Singapore with my two lads, taking them to the various parks and playgrounds across the island. As I hang around – sweltering in the heat while watching my little loves have fun – I spend a lot of time pondering. A recent ponder is our kids could teach us a great lesson if only we were all open to learning it – and that is a lesson of acceptance. When I take the boys to a playground, they are more often than not, the only Caucasian (or white) kids there.  For the first few minutes, Lex and Jax hang out together, relying on each other while they scope out the new environment. However they quickly branch out, finding partners in crime that are into their “style” of play, and off they go with their new pals to enjoy themselves. As a general rule, Lex goes for the extreme sports fans, while Jax is more focused on digging and intellectualising about stuff with his new friends. When they identify suitable playmates, they don’t say you’re a boy or a girl and therefore this is how we should play, because sex doesn’t matter. Neither do they look at kids and say you’re Malay or Chinese or Indian or African or Bangladeshi or Pilipino or a combination of all of these, because they don’t see anything other than another human being. And they never say you’re Muslim or Atheist or Buddhist or Hindu or Christian or Taoist or whatever, because who cares, we’re here to play. My boy’s decision making parameters are very clear – in the affirmative it’s a case of you’re my kind of kid, let’s go. Or conversely, when they identify that someone is not their kind of kid, they don’t get all hot and bothered about it. They recognise it for what it is – a lack of synergy between two people – and promptly just ignore each other. I don’t know when awareness of differences kicks in – I’m presuming we haven’t got too much longer with our boys – but one of the main reasons I love living in Singapore is they are around people from all over the world ALL of the time – and seriously, every type of person is here. Singapore is awesome for that and also the main reason Steve and I love it. With my lads I am very hopeful this exposure will make the physical differences between people less important to them. I don’t know for certain if it will, but I am certainly very hopeful that it will help a lot. We shall see. All I know for sure is they’re definitely off to a great start with best pals and gals from all around this fine world, and I sincerely hope they can be a new kind of person in the world – a person that doesn’t see skin differences first, because for them, it’s all about heart. Us adults could learn a lot from that. One day my boys may ask me how I decide who I like and why? I will gladly tell them that MY decision making parameter has always been this – I don’t care where you’re from or how much money you do or do not have, are you a nice person or are you an arsehole? That’s all there is to it really. I just hope my boys stay true to the path they’re on now, because that would be awesome and I’d be a very proud Mumma. Then again, I don’t plan on giving them too much choice in the matter. Yours, without the bollocks Andrea